Paradise is so far away
Well hello hello to everyone who reads this and who even cares. I havent wrote in this latly but I have been busy job searching and what not, but yall understand.. Anyways, the job searching hasnt been going as good as I hoped it would but nothing ever does obviously! I have put in applications at the TDC (Tecumseh Dining Center), Rallys, Walgreens, Whites Kitchen and a couple other odd places here in Vinny and no one has replied back except for TCD. The problem with them is that they only need help on and off and I dont want to schedule my life around when they need me and when they dont, so fuck that.. I would say things are good with me and Kendra but as usual they arent. My roommate and I moved our room around and now I have lost the computer connection so I cant talk to her (like she wanted to anyways) or do anything that relies on a computer from my room. The computer lab in the dorm is always busy with people seeing they have papers to write, people to talk to, and stuff to look up, so yeah! Anyways, seems everything is going down hill as usual. We had a discussion bout getting married/eloped or what not but as soon as that happened everything pretty much went bad. She said in a journal that she was worried what others would think and she never use to worry what they would say till then. Remember baby it isnt other peoples relationship, its ours. Its not there its us!! But yeah I told her when did other people thoughts get into our relationship to her but she never really answered but then again she never does. Another problem is something she wrote in her journal was that if we got married it meant FOREVER!! Yes that is a deadly word all of the sudden. Fuck we say always and forever when we say I love you but I guess the actual thought of her being with me and not someone she wants to be with scares her. So I decided to say fuck it to the wedding thing cause now all she is worried bout is not being with other guys and what everyone will think. Another problem is that she doesnt trust me (sorda like I DIDNT trust her) but I guess since she cant talk to me everynite or call she assumes im up to wrong. Well I know I did the same thing but its not like I have girl falling for me. There is a major difference between Kendra and I and she just doesnt want to admit to it! Kendra knows im the ugliest guy she has ever seen or dated but like the dumb little girl she is she got attached to me (poor her)! Then there is the fact that Kendra can have any guy she wants. Yeah she might not say it or anything but with all the guys over the past 3 years (not all of them were while we were broken up) she can easily replace me. Fuck like I said in my last journal entry all the guys she is throwing back behind her are the ones that are Mr. Rights! Im nowhere near Mr. Right. Maybe at one time but that has all changed. I know that if Kendra got another guy that I would probably just kill myself cause then I would know that she has found someone else who makes her happy, comfortable, and whatever else I dont give her! But like I said Kendra has everything she wants looks, intellegence, a good family, and a life planned out. I dont have anything, I have school and work. Im not good looking, a family that cares, or a plan for my so called life that is left on this wonderful land! So why pick me. Kendra always tells me that its the little thing. I hold her, whipe the tears (shouldnt ever be any), kiss her, call her to make sure she is alright and to tell her I love her and what not but fuck she had this when her and tate were talking. What have I gave her that Josh, Jason, Aaron, Target guy, Bryan, Tate, and the other guys havent given her? She also replied that she wanted to know what I was thinking bout everything but see we tried that and you know what I got? I got an argument from her cause she doesnt want to listen or try to look at things from my point of view. To me the only thing im good for is being their when no one else is. Maybe I shouldnt be there anymore then maybe just maybe she will give up on something she doesnt seem to want anymore. Yeah she constantly tells me that if she didnt want us then she would be go and be with someone else. Well fuck miss numbers go and be with them. Fuck if you want to use that line on me go and see how fucking happy they will make you. I know im not doing a good job at anything so go and prove me wrong. Kendra go and show me that Tate, Josh, Jason, Bryan, and whoever isnt going to use you for a piece of ass and looks. Prove me that they will care for you even when you choose to go out with your brother or friends over them (after you promised). Prove to me that they will love you over and over again, more and more each passing day after all the shit they go through. Prove to me that they wont get angry and hurt you more than I have. Just fucking prove me wrong please, im beggin of you!!! When I look at this all I then notice that I love Kendra more and more each passing minute cause she has fullfilled what no one else could. She has given me a reason to succeed, showed me that I can be loved, and proven to me that even after everything we can still make it work. But just like the journal entry what if? Kendra tell me what do you see if we never went out? Im betting you would of had sex with A LOT more then 2 guys already, you would have most likely been abused by a guy, probably just like your friends. You know who im talking bout, the ones you dont like to see cause they are into drugs and partying! I do see you being happy and finally finding Mr. Right but like I said those mistakes finding him would have killed you the most. I know im not the only guy who has made you feel special and like there priced possession cause fuck if I did you wouldnt still debate what if you and tate were together or you and whoever else. I know you say stop it with the tate thing, but fuck you fucked him or did something sexual with him and you were pretty much ready to go out, if I didnt call you would have kissed him more and let him hold you the rest of the night. Im not a fucking retard Kendra I know you werent just sitting there, no guys just all of the sudden tries to kiss or hold someone. He was already holding you and you probably were kissing him before I called. But yet that is the past, I guess ill just have to share my kisses and my girl with everyone else. You say you want to know what im thinking but Kendra if I told you, you would probably just laugh and argue with me cause your not going to see it eye to eye or the reasons behind it. You not gonna defend my point or say maybe im right. Fuck Kendra you are never going to do this. A couple is suppose to help each other out, your not helping by lying still (not as much) or arguing over what I say or believe! Like I told you Kendra I still believe there is another person, I still believe you had sexual relationships with someone else (3 Fingers, not me), that you want to be with someone else, and so much more. Kendra if I told you what I was thinking you would probably just deny everything and never admit. You wont admit to tate and if not tate whoever you did it with cause you think im gonna blow up, well if I have known then why blow up. Yeah I admit I will be mad since you have held it back for so long but you know what atleast you finally told me. Kendra we cant go out till everything is out, so when you decided to tell me EVERYTHING and you believe everything I tell you we cant marry and move on. So either start telling or move on cause im not gonna marry you until everything and I mean everything is out. I want to know who you still like, who you have done stuff with (besides me), why you lie to me, why you are scarred of telling me the truth, why you do everything you do. So baby please decide the right choice or forever hold your piece cause were not gonna move forward and forget the pass till we both fill like everything has been told. I dont feel like everything has been told and when I do then I will marry you and make you as happy as I can but till then baby I love you forever and always and I will wait for you even if I cant have you. So till next time baby and everyone else have fun and be safe, buhbye.