Stunted Growth
I won't tiptoe around this issue. I can't grow up. In two years, when I get out of college, there is no way I will be able to survive. I lay awake at night because I've been letting my mind get away from me. My chosen profession since sophomore year of high school is not being realized. A lot of it has to do with the fact that I was not able to test out of any intro classes. Fuck me, I had to take intro to computer graphics in my freshman year after 3+ years of creating websites and doing freelance through my vocational school.
I'm in my second year, first semester and I have not been able to pin down my major anymore -Mostly because I'm at that point where I'm convinced I can't possibly keep my sanity being retaught everything. But now I'm at the point where I need to choose. If I have any shot at getting my mom off my back, I need to choose. Even though I'll never be good enough to her no matter what I do. I can't even begin to list how many times shes made me want to kill myself.
And god damn the emo scene. I've discovered I can't even write about reoccurring feelings of depression and suicide without someone pegging me an emo. There are plenty of things I keep to myself. I've gotten pretty good at bottling things up and storing them away. So when I get up the nerve to actually post an entry that is particularly vulnerable, and get attacked for it, it doesn't help.
I wish I could quit school and just be free. Ive been told time and time again if I want to be able to scrape by I'll need a college degree. What constitutes as scraping by? Getting a 3-bedroom house and a hummer? I dont live by high standards. I don't need much to be content with this life. I've learnt we cannot attach ourselves and rely on material possessions. I wish my mom could see me as I really am -In a constant worry that I will disappoint. And really I try to please her to avoid as much hassle as possible (because I live with her).I want her to understand that Lindsey will be the success of the family. I want her to concentrate on Lindsey because I will never be able to meet her expectations. I wont be a housewife to a well-off man with kids for her to grandmother, nor will I be a roaring success in the world. I can't change what I am for the sake of her happiness anymore. Its driving me to self destruct because I feel like I have no other way out.
I'm in my second year, first semester and I have not been able to pin down my major anymore -Mostly because I'm at that point where I'm convinced I can't possibly keep my sanity being retaught everything. But now I'm at the point where I need to choose. If I have any shot at getting my mom off my back, I need to choose. Even though I'll never be good enough to her no matter what I do. I can't even begin to list how many times shes made me want to kill myself.
And god damn the emo scene. I've discovered I can't even write about reoccurring feelings of depression and suicide without someone pegging me an emo. There are plenty of things I keep to myself. I've gotten pretty good at bottling things up and storing them away. So when I get up the nerve to actually post an entry that is particularly vulnerable, and get attacked for it, it doesn't help.
I wish I could quit school and just be free. Ive been told time and time again if I want to be able to scrape by I'll need a college degree. What constitutes as scraping by? Getting a 3-bedroom house and a hummer? I dont live by high standards. I don't need much to be content with this life. I've learnt we cannot attach ourselves and rely on material possessions. I wish my mom could see me as I really am -In a constant worry that I will disappoint. And really I try to please her to avoid as much hassle as possible (because I live with her).I want her to understand that Lindsey will be the success of the family. I want her to concentrate on Lindsey because I will never be able to meet her expectations. I wont be a housewife to a well-off man with kids for her to grandmother, nor will I be a roaring success in the world. I can't change what I am for the sake of her happiness anymore. Its driving me to self destruct because I feel like I have no other way out.