Fake a smile
I wonder how long I will keep pretending that I don't care. Maybe if I fake it long enough it will become reality?
I feel horribly empty, not a good empty, a kind of empty that I know if I stop watching myself for one split-second it will go from empty to burning pain.
I can't even say "I wish I didn't love him" cause that's so false. How could I wish that? He's perfect. Damn it.
I know if I didn't love him, he would probably like me more. That's stupid but that's how the human mind if. At least mine. And his. Because he's like me. A bit too much, even, and that's what scares the shit out of me. Because that way I know more about him than what I pretend.
So I'm sitting here, faking a smile and pretending I don't care that I barely talked to him for 15 minutes in 3 days, that this doesn't hurt, and that I'm not looking for his screen name every 5 seconds. Holding on myself to keep me from looking. Hitting, slapping my little fucking face every time I want to write him an email, tell him I love him, every time I want to smell my wool jacket (because it still smells of him).
I don't have anything else to give. I gave my everything. You are my everything. I can't do anything. I'm here. Empty. Closed eyes. Tears about to flow but I keep them in. I can't do anything. I'm so weak. I can just wait. Not wait to be happy. I'm just waiting for this moment where everything will end. Waiting for the pain to rush to me.
And wondering how the hell will I survive.
I feel horribly empty, not a good empty, a kind of empty that I know if I stop watching myself for one split-second it will go from empty to burning pain.
I can't even say "I wish I didn't love him" cause that's so false. How could I wish that? He's perfect. Damn it.
I know if I didn't love him, he would probably like me more. That's stupid but that's how the human mind if. At least mine. And his. Because he's like me. A bit too much, even, and that's what scares the shit out of me. Because that way I know more about him than what I pretend.
So I'm sitting here, faking a smile and pretending I don't care that I barely talked to him for 15 minutes in 3 days, that this doesn't hurt, and that I'm not looking for his screen name every 5 seconds. Holding on myself to keep me from looking. Hitting, slapping my little fucking face every time I want to write him an email, tell him I love him, every time I want to smell my wool jacket (because it still smells of him).
I don't have anything else to give. I gave my everything. You are my everything. I can't do anything. I'm here. Empty. Closed eyes. Tears about to flow but I keep them in. I can't do anything. I'm so weak. I can just wait. Not wait to be happy. I'm just waiting for this moment where everything will end. Waiting for the pain to rush to me.
And wondering how the hell will I survive.