Hectic
I am terribly sorry for the lack of updates these days. My life has just been a mix of freakin' everything, depression, hectic, I don't know, everything really.
Where to start? Dec' 31st party... Over at Hugo's place. Hugo is Louis' best friend, Louis being my.. gay friend who I'm having weird.. close moments with. What can I say? Have I ever felt more lonely? I doubt it. From Hugo dragging me in a room while his gf was on the upper floor sleeping, to me learning that Louis has a girlfriend (like what the hell).. Or maybe Hugo's brother turning me down and prefering to me a girl that I don't really consider pretty..
Damn do I hate life sometimes. Well I guess most of it is "fixed" by now.
And then there was Mako's party, who was just about the same, with nobody caring, Fabio doing everything to not-talk to me, and seeing my sister struggling with the fact she had to face Menard once again, more than one year after what happened. I wanted to kill someone, most likely myself.
And then to top it off I saw him once again and now I'm so mixed up I can't even think straight for two seconds at a time. I miss him so deeply it aches down to my bones, and then one minute I wanna give up on him, and the next I realize I can never do that and I just want to wait, and then right after I want to give up on the rest of my life to be able to see him just for a split second again..
But I'll survive, ne? I always pull it off. Sometimes, I wish I wouldn't. How many hard times have I gone through, now? My parents hitting me. My whole childhood. Cougar's and Eloise's out of my life way to early. Losing my first online friends because of my own stupid actions. Being bullied through out junior high and high school. My first depressive cycle, after Hugo and me had broken up the first time. My strange relationship with Inaki. Hating the whole world I had to live in. Running away. Surviving the whole Minh-Nhat situation: before, during, and after. Being rejected by people I respected and admired. Being treated as a whore (which I kind of am, I guess). The depression that followed me and Samir's breakup. Sylvie's sickness and death and the whole Carole/Propulsion story. Facing the fact Vermeil was gay (and this meant more to me that people might think, really). Gab leaving me for no freaking reason. Louis refusing to me because he wanted a guy (and then he goes out with a girl). The whole Ian situation. Facing the fact Charles never trusted me. Being treated as a fool throughout summer. Being disrespected.
And now this.
Haha I guess I just figured out why some people say I'm strong.
But it's not strenght, oh my friend. Hell no. It's just the fact that I have no choice but to go through all that freakin' shit. I don't have a choice, what else can I do? Kill myself?
Haha.
So I guess once again I'll go through this, crying until I'm out of breathe everynight, shaking on my freezing bedroom floor, and faking a smile everytime I go out.
Does anyone care?
Where to start? Dec' 31st party... Over at Hugo's place. Hugo is Louis' best friend, Louis being my.. gay friend who I'm having weird.. close moments with. What can I say? Have I ever felt more lonely? I doubt it. From Hugo dragging me in a room while his gf was on the upper floor sleeping, to me learning that Louis has a girlfriend (like what the hell).. Or maybe Hugo's brother turning me down and prefering to me a girl that I don't really consider pretty..
Damn do I hate life sometimes. Well I guess most of it is "fixed" by now.
And then there was Mako's party, who was just about the same, with nobody caring, Fabio doing everything to not-talk to me, and seeing my sister struggling with the fact she had to face Menard once again, more than one year after what happened. I wanted to kill someone, most likely myself.
And then to top it off I saw him once again and now I'm so mixed up I can't even think straight for two seconds at a time. I miss him so deeply it aches down to my bones, and then one minute I wanna give up on him, and the next I realize I can never do that and I just want to wait, and then right after I want to give up on the rest of my life to be able to see him just for a split second again..
But I'll survive, ne? I always pull it off. Sometimes, I wish I wouldn't. How many hard times have I gone through, now? My parents hitting me. My whole childhood. Cougar's and Eloise's out of my life way to early. Losing my first online friends because of my own stupid actions. Being bullied through out junior high and high school. My first depressive cycle, after Hugo and me had broken up the first time. My strange relationship with Inaki. Hating the whole world I had to live in. Running away. Surviving the whole Minh-Nhat situation: before, during, and after. Being rejected by people I respected and admired. Being treated as a whore (which I kind of am, I guess). The depression that followed me and Samir's breakup. Sylvie's sickness and death and the whole Carole/Propulsion story. Facing the fact Vermeil was gay (and this meant more to me that people might think, really). Gab leaving me for no freaking reason. Louis refusing to me because he wanted a guy (and then he goes out with a girl). The whole Ian situation. Facing the fact Charles never trusted me. Being treated as a fool throughout summer. Being disrespected.
And now this.
Haha I guess I just figured out why some people say I'm strong.
But it's not strenght, oh my friend. Hell no. It's just the fact that I have no choice but to go through all that freakin' shit. I don't have a choice, what else can I do? Kill myself?
Haha.
So I guess once again I'll go through this, crying until I'm out of breathe everynight, shaking on my freezing bedroom floor, and faking a smile everytime I go out.
Does anyone care?