I hate when a bar of soap looks like a rock, it's confusing.
I want to start dancing again.
Modern dance.
I woke up yesturday on Maggies couch.
I felt like we were all fourteen again, with her parents gone and us exploring her forest under the influence.
Though I had fallen asleep in my clothes, I felt clean, the sort of clean that comes from your soul.
For a second I actually beleived that we still had years to go till 20.
I was laying in her sisters room, calling love at 3am and saying hello.
Nothing ran through my head that wasn't full of happy.
We hadn't taken destructive turns in our lives yet, the kind that we now say led us to living more and growing thicker skin.
you have to tell yourself that, now atleast.
Everyone woke up and I sat there across from her giant window, squinting my left eye, I caught all the rain drops into my coffe cup. The rain soon turned to snow and it made my coffee cold. Or maybe I had been too busy catching it to actually drink my coffee while it was still warm.
Charles and I played catch with a hacky sack and I could not stop laughing every time he threw it over.
There was a possibilty that it was going to smash me in the face and it made me nervous to the point of giggles.
The night prior, Maggies house was filled with people.
Ken even came out and had a great time, we went down to Poachers for the remainder of the evening.
After playing hacky sack with Charles, Ken came to pick me up and I lazed around his house.
We drank coffee, went to masonville, I spent too much money.
Later on I went back to Maggie's, her brother was having a party and I decided to have a shower.
It felt like the party was having a shower with me. Strange experience. Her bathroom was glowing with earth tones
and all I could hear was screaming and hollering all aroud me through the door.
Lastnight I had a dream I was being chased by past and we fell into a pool with the clearest water I have ever seen.
"I want you, I've always wanted you but I will fuck it up, I always have and always will"
past kissed the back of my head said I love you and swam away.
I didn't chase after this time.
I was happy.
I'm spinning around in Irland, somewhere in some street I've never even seen and It's pouring rain.
The stone is smooth and silky beneath my feet. The grays play with the off-whites.
Swirling around like earl grey tea when it's running away from the spoon.
Anne runs over to me, I'm not sure where she came from.
But she grabs my head and we laugh like we used to back then, at the green sitting under trees drinking forties.
"This is what we have now." I know she knows. She knows I know.
Even though I'm not sure right now, it will all wash it self clean.