La fe con que vivo, la potencia de mi voz, los pies con que vivo.
My mother has been ranting all day about me getting drawing classes and in the future, working as an artist.
Maybe I'm wrong, but aren't mother supposed to be telling you to study law, or medicine? Well mine is a special case, she's a hippie and wants me to be the same. I can't. I'm sorry, but I just think that mothers see their children as the best thing that's ever stepped on earth, so I can't take my mother's praises as true.
She really thinks I have talent for this sort of thing, wants me to prepare a portfolio and go to Hollywood. How stupid is filling your 19 yr-old daughter's mind with empty impossible dreams that are obviously, never gonna come true? Where will that leave me?
I've told her, I just want a nobody job, a stupid life, like everyone. A house I can pay in a boring neighborhood, kids with learning problems, a cheating husband, an evil mother-in-law, to clog my arteries for the rest of my days until I get some sort of sickness everyone gets and die. That's how I see my life. I'm not gonna fight for some big artist life, I don't want to be hungry every day of my life, kill myself when I'm 30.
So many people better than me have never made it, so many musicians that never were recognized. So many great actors that never get a damn part. And mom wants me to get classes, so I can waste my already wasted life on nothing. On having fun around and 'live'. Ugh, how I hate this.
Well I had to scream to her crying. I well know I've taken classes since I was a little girl, that people think I have an amazing ability, but I don't feel like it. I mess up every single drawing, I see error in ever line, I see then done so damn wrong, and every time I look at a finished project I think...this thing is never finished, because I can't finish it. And one more time I say to myself what a waste of space I am.
Does someone feel like that? I feel like I can go to my own world when I draw, I feel like they move alone, and I can be at last in peace, I never listen to anything outside the paper. It sounds like a soap opera, but that's what I feel. And when I'm done, I disappoint myself in what I see. Always. Never fails. And if I ever feel slightly good on something, I get someone that says some comment about it being wrong or looking weird or needing something. Everyone is a fucking critic.
But well, everyone's always better than me in something. I've seen better photos than mine. I've seen better paintings, better writings. I do my hair and there's someone next to me with better hair. I stitch up a shirt and there's Karl Lagerferd on the tv. I sing a song and my voice sounds like crap next to Shakira's. I smile in the mirror and I remember I will never be as gorgeous as Bettie Page. I'm used to it, everyone is. Life's like that, why can't she leave me alone?
This is exactly why I always stop doing 'art' for fun. Now that I was thinking about getting more materials, to enjoy my watercolors, comes this. I'm gonna stop again. It hurts stopping. Now I won't have a space to myself in this house. Now I can't get away.
Maybe I'm wrong, but aren't mother supposed to be telling you to study law, or medicine? Well mine is a special case, she's a hippie and wants me to be the same. I can't. I'm sorry, but I just think that mothers see their children as the best thing that's ever stepped on earth, so I can't take my mother's praises as true.
She really thinks I have talent for this sort of thing, wants me to prepare a portfolio and go to Hollywood. How stupid is filling your 19 yr-old daughter's mind with empty impossible dreams that are obviously, never gonna come true? Where will that leave me?
I've told her, I just want a nobody job, a stupid life, like everyone. A house I can pay in a boring neighborhood, kids with learning problems, a cheating husband, an evil mother-in-law, to clog my arteries for the rest of my days until I get some sort of sickness everyone gets and die. That's how I see my life. I'm not gonna fight for some big artist life, I don't want to be hungry every day of my life, kill myself when I'm 30.
So many people better than me have never made it, so many musicians that never were recognized. So many great actors that never get a damn part. And mom wants me to get classes, so I can waste my already wasted life on nothing. On having fun around and 'live'. Ugh, how I hate this.
Well I had to scream to her crying. I well know I've taken classes since I was a little girl, that people think I have an amazing ability, but I don't feel like it. I mess up every single drawing, I see error in ever line, I see then done so damn wrong, and every time I look at a finished project I think...this thing is never finished, because I can't finish it. And one more time I say to myself what a waste of space I am.
Does someone feel like that? I feel like I can go to my own world when I draw, I feel like they move alone, and I can be at last in peace, I never listen to anything outside the paper. It sounds like a soap opera, but that's what I feel. And when I'm done, I disappoint myself in what I see. Always. Never fails. And if I ever feel slightly good on something, I get someone that says some comment about it being wrong or looking weird or needing something. Everyone is a fucking critic.
But well, everyone's always better than me in something. I've seen better photos than mine. I've seen better paintings, better writings. I do my hair and there's someone next to me with better hair. I stitch up a shirt and there's Karl Lagerferd on the tv. I sing a song and my voice sounds like crap next to Shakira's. I smile in the mirror and I remember I will never be as gorgeous as Bettie Page. I'm used to it, everyone is. Life's like that, why can't she leave me alone?
This is exactly why I always stop doing 'art' for fun. Now that I was thinking about getting more materials, to enjoy my watercolors, comes this. I'm gonna stop again. It hurts stopping. Now I won't have a space to myself in this house. Now I can't get away.