(no subject)
I'm free.
Apparently I'm not the only person here who is healing. The mathematician who studies the algebraic geometry of causal inference came here from a much worse state.
I have coursework but it is easy. I sit in class and scribble in a notebook about the details of fantasies.
When I tell professors that I want to work more, they are surprised. I am not expected to accomplish anything. I am supposed to move very slowly.
My expenses are settled.
I'm not alone here any more, the way one is alone when one comes to a new place. There are a handful of people here with whom I am comfortable.
I have, by accident, a colleague who I work with whom I have lots of respect for.
This is a fine base.
What I need to do is find a way to synthesize the past few years with this new base, which feels based on nothing. This life here feels childish and bloodless. But when I think about history, I am full of energy (energy with nowhere to go).
It is surprising what shifts in being are possible purely emotionally, what can be changed internally just by opening and closing internal doors.
I figured out what to do with that energy. I put on some New Villager and danced in my room for a few minutes.
I have a mirror in my room. I just saw for the first timee why everyone always comments on how crazily I dance. It's pretty intense.
Rad.
The pieces are coming together quickly. Any day now I'll have it figured out.