insecurities suck
i'm starting to feel like i'm not giving things my all ... i feel like i don't deserve max again ... and i feel like i haven't been the best friend to people. i mean it's great having old friends back like bea and nikki, but it's just ... i don't know how to describe it. i feel like i let people down with the littlest things. i let my emotions get the best of me and do irrational things. for instance, today max and i got into a stupid thing and i walked off. i'm a few miles from my house might i add. i got down the street and me being me realized i'm being stupid. i'm walking off, i know he's not going to come after me (why do girls always think the guy will come after them? they're not! girls are the ones that play games and do the whole walk off thing or let the guy walk off and run after them when they realize that the guy is really gonna leave thing. guys just don't wanna deal). it took me a while to go back though. i walked away twice ... haha. i'm an idiot. no, i'm a female. aahaha! him, being max, always knows how to be perfect and always knows what to do, gave me a hug and told me to get in the car. he went the mini mart and got me a soda without me asking. i told him everything was fine, but little does he know that i feel this way. actually, i take that back, max sees through me like a window. he probably knows in the back of his head that i still feel bad and that i'm being insecure about it. why am i testing a good thing? no matter how hard i try, i'm not gonna get rid of him and i don't want to either. i'm just scared is all ... of the whole situation. i put my wall up and he lets me and still loves me. he told me i could put my wall up and he knows i'm doing it because i don't fully know that he loves me/ trust this relationship, but he lets me. i know i love him. i litterally get weak in the knees about him. he always points out that my knees shake when i'm with (those moments ...) him and now i just notice on my own. i hate thinking about this, makes me sad. i promised i won't think about the past or the future in a previous entry. i really just need to go through with it ... the whole friends thing. i don't know. i just feel like i'm not doing my part like i used to. i know i am physically because i'm in more than one place a day chillin with people, but i feel like i'm not emotionally strong enough to help my friends anymore. i hope i'm not being a drag guys. i hope that you would tell me if something is wrong with either me or you and that you'll know that i'll be here if there is something wrong with you. so yeah, this is my entry for the day ...