Chapter 18: Work, The Real Story
The real story. I don't like my job. Fact: I hate my job. Being at work for a whole week now gives me a significant amount of evidence to say FUCK THIS! I'm starting to take the sketchier path home, with the ultimate hope that I'll get stabbed and need to spend the next 2 months recovering.
It doesn't help that the entire time I am at work I can't get my mind off one thing. ONE FUCKING THING that keeps haunting me.
"Do it" the voice says.
So here's how my brain works. I'm the biggest wuss I've ever met! I want things out of life, but these things ask a certain amount of what I don't have! COURAGE! I can't seem to convince myself to take the risks that I need to in order to be happy. So there's reason number one I'm fucking miserable.
Back to work. My boss, Bijal, and is wife, Poonita (sp?), are clueless. I get orders from Delores, and then they tell me to do something completely different. I closed without Jodi tonight and it took an extra half hour. I am constantly watched to make sure I am doing a good job (which shows very little trust on their part).
Bijal has pulled me aside several time to tell me that when I do something, I should "do it perfect the first time". And so far everything he's yelled at me about has been the stuff I have done right. He yelled at me because our pop numbers didn't match. Why didn't they match? Because he counted them wrong!
I hate my job, and besides work I don't do much. So we can safely state that work is approximately equal to my life. So we can the state that I hate my life.
My mom mentioned to me that I seem distant and she wants to just hang out. I'm going to enforce our bond with some hangout time, and then I'm going to open up... But you can pretty much scratch that because being OPEN requires some COURAGE.
In the end I feel like shit, and really every day that I wake up is a day I don't want to go through. My will to fight on is fading, and fading quickly. If this is the real world, I don't want anything to do with it.
"Time wears away
All the pleasures of the day
All the treasures you could hold
Days turn to sand
Losing strength in every hand
They can't hold you anymore
Already dead to me now
Already dead to me now
'Cause it feels like I'm watching something die
Love looks away
In the harsh light of the day
On the edge of nothing more
Days fade to black in the light of what they lack
Nothing's measured by what it needs
Already dead to me now
Already dead to me now
'Cause it feels like I'm watching something dyin'"
It doesn't help that the entire time I am at work I can't get my mind off one thing. ONE FUCKING THING that keeps haunting me.
"Do it" the voice says.
So here's how my brain works. I'm the biggest wuss I've ever met! I want things out of life, but these things ask a certain amount of what I don't have! COURAGE! I can't seem to convince myself to take the risks that I need to in order to be happy. So there's reason number one I'm fucking miserable.
Back to work. My boss, Bijal, and is wife, Poonita (sp?), are clueless. I get orders from Delores, and then they tell me to do something completely different. I closed without Jodi tonight and it took an extra half hour. I am constantly watched to make sure I am doing a good job (which shows very little trust on their part).
Bijal has pulled me aside several time to tell me that when I do something, I should "do it perfect the first time". And so far everything he's yelled at me about has been the stuff I have done right. He yelled at me because our pop numbers didn't match. Why didn't they match? Because he counted them wrong!
I hate my job, and besides work I don't do much. So we can safely state that work is approximately equal to my life. So we can the state that I hate my life.
My mom mentioned to me that I seem distant and she wants to just hang out. I'm going to enforce our bond with some hangout time, and then I'm going to open up... But you can pretty much scratch that because being OPEN requires some COURAGE.
In the end I feel like shit, and really every day that I wake up is a day I don't want to go through. My will to fight on is fading, and fading quickly. If this is the real world, I don't want anything to do with it.
"Time wears away
All the pleasures of the day
All the treasures you could hold
Days turn to sand
Losing strength in every hand
They can't hold you anymore
Already dead to me now
Already dead to me now
'Cause it feels like I'm watching something die
Love looks away
In the harsh light of the day
On the edge of nothing more
Days fade to black in the light of what they lack
Nothing's measured by what it needs
Already dead to me now
Already dead to me now
'Cause it feels like I'm watching something dyin'"