swallow than spit
i can honestly say that is been to long. its been awhile since i have felt myself..and i dont feel im in touch with myself anymore. its been to long, that i have looked in a mirror and felt okay, with who i was. and its now just another thing to sob about. its been so long, since i have been happy and felt like i actually was living. i dont want to remember the things ive done to date. its been forever, since i liked the ways each day was born...and there seems to be nothing to hold my head up high for. its been so long, to have the power to dettach myself from my emotions, and its killing me.
its been too long, since i felt something that wasnt some form of artificial life sweetner. past the cream and cake on the surface is the boy thats been lost for so long...trying to find his way home. its been so long, since ive been him, and now im just a streched out soul of what isnt underneath. its been such a long time, since i have had motivation to wake up smiling at the sun. i cant feel the consequences anymore, or anything else but numb. i havent been in a drug high, for a real long time. this is another part of the list in my life, that i want back. but i cant handle my life when im so distorted and out of touch with reality. id like to be able to stand, and feel the wind blow...but i cant remember the last time i felt it on me. it has been so long, since i was hitting the crack rocks in her appartment. and i for some reason miss all the other shitty days. i was so artificial, and it was okay...i didnt care what the day was, who i slept with, who i missed, who i was... it just seemed like better days. its pretty depressing, to think killing your body, not knowing what is going on, and being a scum bag, is even better than today. as weeks pass since ive had anyone touch my face, or love me...i feel like i cant stand. its completely co-dependence on any boy to make me feel better...thats something that now i cant even render. its not an option today. and i will always fuck things up again. it just doesnt seem to get away. i ache in all the wrong ways. its just another part that has grown into me. everything is still fucked up as when i fucked that little kid, doped up with all them. i just want to be able to love myself...love my life, love everyday. love the food that i dont eat anymore, love the world. but i have eaten...ive eaten a new wound inside of my emotions...and it wont stop bleeding. ive bled myself a new clue everyday...a clue to a closer reason to live this way. a new reason, every fucking day. ive broken my back with all the past, and its cracking even more today. with everything thats happened, its so fucked up that im still living...i dont understand how i lived through half of my life. it confuses me. i dotn understand life, and your not supposed to. but thats not a good enough reason for me.
its just another depressing living day. and that should go away too. just make this all go away. im sick of everything still haunting me, and kissing me goodnight. i dont need any of it anymore. i dont need a reason to have others shocked at my so far fate, and i dont need to remember any of it anymore. i know ive been bad, i know my life has been shit, i know that everything is just fucked with me. but im really sorry. its been a long time since ive said that honestly. im sorry for everything that i have done. see i said it. and nothing has happened. nothings changing. no way its worth to say it again. its all dead. im all dead. i hate to be so depressing, emo, or pessimistic but nothing has gone right so far in my life. everything has completely fallen apart. and nothing im doing that is suppose to help, is making me more upset. the therapy, the counsling, the caseworkers, the schools, the kids, the drugs, the happy its not ever coming back to stay for a little while. im now so fucked without a better reason, than that things have been shit, growing up. im still so little inside. and so broken. and its not been to long since i have fucked with my life. it also hasnt been a long time since the same and another soul have fucked me over. all i wanted is to have something that was better than what i am. i know im not horrible, but im not cake. i just have issues, like everyone.
ive heard this so much, and i dont beleive any of it, unfortunately. yea we all do. but if you knew everything you'd be shocked and wouldnt know what to say. its that pathetic...im that pathetic. im a little fucking emo 12 year old little boy that has been through a ringer of days...and still he has to fake a way to act like a real human outside. and sadly thats what ive been for so long...and its never been completely put out why im that way. i need to kick myself in the face, and feel a little more pain today. i need to pat myself on the back for not killing myself today. i need to be more open to telling people my ways, but its more than difficult. its a moutain i wish to not climb for awhile. im now just looking myself in the face, and realizing none of this is ever going to go away. i did what i have done, and theres no turning back. things have happened that i couldnt control, im not worthless for that im just hopeless now. im sick of being myself since i feel like this isnt who i am...im just so fucked from the life that i brewed and didnt let it phase me in the time, but now i feel and realize how fucked ive been, doing half the shit that i did that really hurt other people.
(POST SECRET : this section was deleted, and saved elsewear.)
its been too long, since i felt something that wasnt some form of artificial life sweetner. past the cream and cake on the surface is the boy thats been lost for so long...trying to find his way home. its been so long, since ive been him, and now im just a streched out soul of what isnt underneath. its been such a long time, since i have had motivation to wake up smiling at the sun. i cant feel the consequences anymore, or anything else but numb. i havent been in a drug high, for a real long time. this is another part of the list in my life, that i want back. but i cant handle my life when im so distorted and out of touch with reality. id like to be able to stand, and feel the wind blow...but i cant remember the last time i felt it on me. it has been so long, since i was hitting the crack rocks in her appartment. and i for some reason miss all the other shitty days. i was so artificial, and it was okay...i didnt care what the day was, who i slept with, who i missed, who i was... it just seemed like better days. its pretty depressing, to think killing your body, not knowing what is going on, and being a scum bag, is even better than today. as weeks pass since ive had anyone touch my face, or love me...i feel like i cant stand. its completely co-dependence on any boy to make me feel better...thats something that now i cant even render. its not an option today. and i will always fuck things up again. it just doesnt seem to get away. i ache in all the wrong ways. its just another part that has grown into me. everything is still fucked up as when i fucked that little kid, doped up with all them. i just want to be able to love myself...love my life, love everyday. love the food that i dont eat anymore, love the world. but i have eaten...ive eaten a new wound inside of my emotions...and it wont stop bleeding. ive bled myself a new clue everyday...a clue to a closer reason to live this way. a new reason, every fucking day. ive broken my back with all the past, and its cracking even more today. with everything thats happened, its so fucked up that im still living...i dont understand how i lived through half of my life. it confuses me. i dotn understand life, and your not supposed to. but thats not a good enough reason for me.
its just another depressing living day. and that should go away too. just make this all go away. im sick of everything still haunting me, and kissing me goodnight. i dont need any of it anymore. i dont need a reason to have others shocked at my so far fate, and i dont need to remember any of it anymore. i know ive been bad, i know my life has been shit, i know that everything is just fucked with me. but im really sorry. its been a long time since ive said that honestly. im sorry for everything that i have done. see i said it. and nothing has happened. nothings changing. no way its worth to say it again. its all dead. im all dead. i hate to be so depressing, emo, or pessimistic but nothing has gone right so far in my life. everything has completely fallen apart. and nothing im doing that is suppose to help, is making me more upset. the therapy, the counsling, the caseworkers, the schools, the kids, the drugs, the happy its not ever coming back to stay for a little while. im now so fucked without a better reason, than that things have been shit, growing up. im still so little inside. and so broken. and its not been to long since i have fucked with my life. it also hasnt been a long time since the same and another soul have fucked me over. all i wanted is to have something that was better than what i am. i know im not horrible, but im not cake. i just have issues, like everyone.
ive heard this so much, and i dont beleive any of it, unfortunately. yea we all do. but if you knew everything you'd be shocked and wouldnt know what to say. its that pathetic...im that pathetic. im a little fucking emo 12 year old little boy that has been through a ringer of days...and still he has to fake a way to act like a real human outside. and sadly thats what ive been for so long...and its never been completely put out why im that way. i need to kick myself in the face, and feel a little more pain today. i need to pat myself on the back for not killing myself today. i need to be more open to telling people my ways, but its more than difficult. its a moutain i wish to not climb for awhile. im now just looking myself in the face, and realizing none of this is ever going to go away. i did what i have done, and theres no turning back. things have happened that i couldnt control, im not worthless for that im just hopeless now. im sick of being myself since i feel like this isnt who i am...im just so fucked from the life that i brewed and didnt let it phase me in the time, but now i feel and realize how fucked ive been, doing half the shit that i did that really hurt other people.
(POST SECRET : this section was deleted, and saved elsewear.)