stuck to a double take
stuck in the back of my throat, choking me. sleeping in the larnyx in me, and screaming through all the sahdes of glass it bleeds from the inflamation. the choke seems to be teh only friend i can feel inside me. but its so deep, that with all this, i still even feel empty. i cant reassure myself or others anymore that i will be alright. i swear, that i quench my thirst for breathing then aphyxiate to get a little rush...and im still going to be the same distance in the end. so far from who i really am. but this is all that ive got. the graphic images that rott inside my head, drive me madd...and at the same time i cant let them fade away. i need to be this rotten piece of walking flesh, and always having every significant other tell me that they never loved me, or that i ruined them to the bones. i dont have to be told, i know. i knocked you out, cold, hard, and fucked your heart so good...its art on its own. you can act parylized all you want, but you have the same shit on your knees. so ill let myself tear me apart on the inside, and rearrange the placement of the important organs. and within all this, the show must go on. everyone will rott...everyone will end in the same ground. everyone isnt special...everyone is a human to soon be set on fire, by their emotions...and there is nothing that anyone will do to comfort you..especially when your lower than a victim of raped children. cant you smell all the intoxication, and infection in the air. everything is now ruined. everything is shit. everythings clock on the inside have clogged themselves with the spore of this earth. clocks are need no attention anymore...there is no time change, there is no difference. all of it is the same moment. it is all the same minute, same second., same hurt.
so i continue to be antisocial, and stay completely locked away in my own little world..
locked into my dreams that wont happen.
the influential spoken inside that leak into my ears.
locked in the misery of being myself.
be the kid that pukes and cuts his feelings out of this body,
and listens to the same song for hours obsessing how the songs are so you.
there is nothing to grip for me to put my foot down.
im just another robot. more mechanical than any.
let the stereotypes class me or click me, i dont care anymore. that is nto important.
i dont care what people think, feel, or breathe about me anymore, i shouldnt have to.
your all dead in the end anyway...now one seems that they will survive to be in a power of cmplete happines.
were all a mess, and we could all usesome help.
but i figured out lately, that if you want things done right, i guess you have to do it yourself.
if that means i have to do everything myself, ill fucking turn away and will leave everything alone.
im not going to attempt and fuck up again, ill taint and curse everything,
so il have to perform the surgery myself, and will have to carry my own lantern.
ill have to learn to read a fucking compass to get myself outta of this hell.
life is up and down, and my life has been what from the past?
just some dumb things that jumble together and accent the bitterness, hurt, greed, and self absorbtion.
shit never will seem to fucking just turn around and get a little easier. i need a fucking break.
im fucken sick of drowning for any of you, or for me; because i have major issues.
i dont seem to feel like i can depend on priests, therapists, and caseworkers. im not giving anymore reasonings, im sick of hiding and lying from the truth..its eating hole after hole in me and it wants me dead, or intensely infected. and i have never been this infected before, but i feel it now. i feel the fucking kerosine that is running in my veins and can look into a mirror and walk away saying fuck it...no reason to care. yea i am pathetic, and thats what i fucking live with. im just a fucking little scensitive, gay boy that is now a local loner...but im more than that..why can only few see what i mean and understand that i try so fucking hard...im trying me best. just the element inside of me makes and leads me to something else. i dont want to hurt you all.. i want to love you all. thats all i want. i dont want to play no more head games, and lie to your face. im not giving up, but i need to. i need to fucking be myself again. this isnt me..im not me...im not this. this isnt me, its the work of something fucking with everything and turning my life to a black hole that sucks everyone in and doesnt carehow much my reputation and emotion can be affected. i lead myself into these holes, but i dont want to walk into these anymore. fuck. fuck. fuck the mind. fuck all this. i fucking cant stand to have these things get worse and worse.
how could you do this to smeone like me. how can you breed and feed the need to hurt others, and to make it so im no longer living. why do i continue to be unable to control any of this. i want to just end it all now, and i dont think...i cant. it just happens. im ruinng my life, and its to the point where im just.
fuck dat shit