(no subject)
I am writing this here first because I am still not certain about its contents. Most people I know do not read my LJ. And although the things I am about to say sound very definite, I will come back tomorrow (and the day after) (and the day after) to check on them and see if I still agree before posting them more publically. At the moment, I have just stepped out of a nice hot shower, had a good long think, and I am pretty confident that I am making the right choice. So let's see how this sounds...
- - - - -
Dear Everyone I Know In The World,
Hello. I have come to the decision that I will return home on August 28th as scheduled. There. I said it. It is official. No elipses. No uncertainty. After weighing a lot of thoughts (A LOT!), I feel that this is the best option for my immediate future. Here is why...
I will start at the end, the final straw if you will, and work my way back to the more obvious reasons. A few days ago, I had a good chat with Kate Marshall, the director in charge of graduate studies with the School of Literature, Languages, and Culture. As I summarised to many of you, she gave me the whole 'fire and brimstone' perspective on things...The worst-case scenarios. The majority of scholarships, she explained, are for first-year entries only. Any other scholarships, grants and etc., as a foreigner, are a longshot at best. Thus, if I chose to stay, I would be commiting myself to a part-time job all three years of study, or else massive student loans to compensate. However, if I leave and come back, I can reapply for these scholarships. By then, I will have a (hopefully) honours-level MSc to brag about, plus I hope to use an acceptance into other universities as a bargaining chip.
And that is point two. If I choose to stay, I am staying here for three years. Period/End-stop. Massive debt included. However, going home for one year presents me with many more options. Applying to other universities, mostly... Ones which might pay me, perhaps. I realize that these funds are not guaranteed, but if not--Edinburgh will still be here waiting for me. And you know what? So will most of my friends. If I come back, I know that I will have friends waiting (if they do not begrudge me this action). Just think of this as a year abroad if you like. Hell, I even know friends who are taking a year abroad! I know many people who are only in 2nd-year. And some of you are just going to start a PhD programme now. So you will be here too. For the benefit of knowing that I gave everything else a shot first, this is a sacrifice I must make.
Sadly, other friends, many of whom I cherish dearly, will be in other places by the time I return. But you will be in those other places with me in town or not. And I shall mourn our loss of an extra year of friendship, but please take comfort knowing that this has not been an easy decision. Hell, if not for the fact that I am finally making one now, I would say that this has been as close to an impossible decision as can actually exist.
In my heart, I admit that this feels like a 'forever' goodbye. It might be. I certainly know that I've done those before and I've been right. Ha. I've also been wrong. It's impossible to tell.
...
Going home feels like the safer choice, I admit. But one thought finally dawned on me today... so simple I am amazed that I never realised it: I am the one who has to live with my decision. Forever. I love Theatre Paradok. I love the Symphony Orchestra. I love seeing the shows at the Lyceum and the culture of the city and the friends who you meet and and the craziness of staying out late and the absolute amazingness of everything. - - - But if I go into massive debt, I alone am dealing with it. All of the great things which I want to stay for... they will only be there for three years. The number I am faced with will probably be there for thirty.
And..... yes, I can put a price tag on the experience of living in Edinburgh. At least I can right now. Knowing that, as I said above, I can always return, I think the decison to wait one year is worth the risk. If I don't get any funding and I am home and I am miserable, then I will reevaluate that price tag. I only hope my memories of this journal, of my posted videos, of Facebook, and of the many, many items I am bringing back which could be scrapbook'd (but probably not, because that was a lot of work the first time).... Well, I only hope those will keep the memory of how awesome this place is alive for me.
...
Sigh. That is the thing, isn't it? This place is pretty awesome. Actually, wait. No. The people in this place are pretty awesome. I am not saying that to kiss up to you. This is important. Because from that perspective, going back home is the more dangerous of the two options. And thinking about this more, I want to just take the money and stay here and pretend everything is glorious and it will be alright.
But it is only a year. And that is what I have to tell myself. Just like the gap year I took before I arrived last September, it will not be so long that I will not make it. Working at the bank sucked, but it was only a year. And the experiences that you have left me with will echo throughout that year until something new and exciting occurs. This I know.
And if I land someplace else? If I land at an American university studying for twice as long? Well... I will be better trained, of that I am almost certain. I love academia, I really do. But I do not enjoy the atmosphere of a research-based university. And from that perspective, maybe Edinburgh was never the right choice for me anyway. Not for anything more than this. The idea of being a student for as long as possible thrills me. I will never have enough knowledge. I will never have enough experience. This is fun and it is what I want to do for the rest of my life. But I want to do it on my terms and I want to do the best job of it that I can.
And sadly, the best job I can do is the one that favours me alone. I would love to stay. I am starting to cry now thinking about this. I... really wish with all my soul that things happened differently. But they didn't. And I don't blame myself, my advisors, or anything else. I simply have to go along with whatever happens and keep pointing myself in the best direction at any given moment.
I refuse to end this letter with goodbye. So for now, I just want to say it's been a thrill. A thrill and a half, easily.
Non scholae sed vitae discimus.
(We learn, not for school, but for life.)
`til later...
-Pat Brad
- - - - -
It is amazing, reading back through that, how many of those reasons are the ones I knew from the very beginning: Finance. Programme quality. The infinite choice to return. The only thing that changed, the catalyst if you will, is the realisation that I must do this for me--and not for the friends, organisations, and good times which I am leaving behind. Temporarily or not. Three years versus thirty. It makes a hell of a difference in life.
Fuck, maybe tomorrow I'll write the opposite letter just to see how that one feels, too.
...but I hope not. I have to get some work done soon. I want to get this settled and focus on my degree at hand. In the meantime, goodnight everyone. Thanks for listening.
- - - - -
Dear Everyone I Know In The World,
Hello. I have come to the decision that I will return home on August 28th as scheduled. There. I said it. It is official. No elipses. No uncertainty. After weighing a lot of thoughts (A LOT!), I feel that this is the best option for my immediate future. Here is why...
I will start at the end, the final straw if you will, and work my way back to the more obvious reasons. A few days ago, I had a good chat with Kate Marshall, the director in charge of graduate studies with the School of Literature, Languages, and Culture. As I summarised to many of you, she gave me the whole 'fire and brimstone' perspective on things...The worst-case scenarios. The majority of scholarships, she explained, are for first-year entries only. Any other scholarships, grants and etc., as a foreigner, are a longshot at best. Thus, if I chose to stay, I would be commiting myself to a part-time job all three years of study, or else massive student loans to compensate. However, if I leave and come back, I can reapply for these scholarships. By then, I will have a (hopefully) honours-level MSc to brag about, plus I hope to use an acceptance into other universities as a bargaining chip.
And that is point two. If I choose to stay, I am staying here for three years. Period/End-stop. Massive debt included. However, going home for one year presents me with many more options. Applying to other universities, mostly... Ones which might pay me, perhaps. I realize that these funds are not guaranteed, but if not--Edinburgh will still be here waiting for me. And you know what? So will most of my friends. If I come back, I know that I will have friends waiting (if they do not begrudge me this action). Just think of this as a year abroad if you like. Hell, I even know friends who are taking a year abroad! I know many people who are only in 2nd-year. And some of you are just going to start a PhD programme now. So you will be here too. For the benefit of knowing that I gave everything else a shot first, this is a sacrifice I must make.
Sadly, other friends, many of whom I cherish dearly, will be in other places by the time I return. But you will be in those other places with me in town or not. And I shall mourn our loss of an extra year of friendship, but please take comfort knowing that this has not been an easy decision. Hell, if not for the fact that I am finally making one now, I would say that this has been as close to an impossible decision as can actually exist.
In my heart, I admit that this feels like a 'forever' goodbye. It might be. I certainly know that I've done those before and I've been right. Ha. I've also been wrong. It's impossible to tell.
...
Going home feels like the safer choice, I admit. But one thought finally dawned on me today... so simple I am amazed that I never realised it: I am the one who has to live with my decision. Forever. I love Theatre Paradok. I love the Symphony Orchestra. I love seeing the shows at the Lyceum and the culture of the city and the friends who you meet and and the craziness of staying out late and the absolute amazingness of everything. - - - But if I go into massive debt, I alone am dealing with it. All of the great things which I want to stay for... they will only be there for three years. The number I am faced with will probably be there for thirty.
And..... yes, I can put a price tag on the experience of living in Edinburgh. At least I can right now. Knowing that, as I said above, I can always return, I think the decison to wait one year is worth the risk. If I don't get any funding and I am home and I am miserable, then I will reevaluate that price tag. I only hope my memories of this journal, of my posted videos, of Facebook, and of the many, many items I am bringing back which could be scrapbook'd (but probably not, because that was a lot of work the first time).... Well, I only hope those will keep the memory of how awesome this place is alive for me.
...
Sigh. That is the thing, isn't it? This place is pretty awesome. Actually, wait. No. The people in this place are pretty awesome. I am not saying that to kiss up to you. This is important. Because from that perspective, going back home is the more dangerous of the two options. And thinking about this more, I want to just take the money and stay here and pretend everything is glorious and it will be alright.
But it is only a year. And that is what I have to tell myself. Just like the gap year I took before I arrived last September, it will not be so long that I will not make it. Working at the bank sucked, but it was only a year. And the experiences that you have left me with will echo throughout that year until something new and exciting occurs. This I know.
And if I land someplace else? If I land at an American university studying for twice as long? Well... I will be better trained, of that I am almost certain. I love academia, I really do. But I do not enjoy the atmosphere of a research-based university. And from that perspective, maybe Edinburgh was never the right choice for me anyway. Not for anything more than this. The idea of being a student for as long as possible thrills me. I will never have enough knowledge. I will never have enough experience. This is fun and it is what I want to do for the rest of my life. But I want to do it on my terms and I want to do the best job of it that I can.
And sadly, the best job I can do is the one that favours me alone. I would love to stay. I am starting to cry now thinking about this. I... really wish with all my soul that things happened differently. But they didn't. And I don't blame myself, my advisors, or anything else. I simply have to go along with whatever happens and keep pointing myself in the best direction at any given moment.
I refuse to end this letter with goodbye. So for now, I just want to say it's been a thrill. A thrill and a half, easily.
Non scholae sed vitae discimus.
(We learn, not for school, but for life.)
`til later...
-Pat Brad
- - - - -
It is amazing, reading back through that, how many of those reasons are the ones I knew from the very beginning: Finance. Programme quality. The infinite choice to return. The only thing that changed, the catalyst if you will, is the realisation that I must do this for me--and not for the friends, organisations, and good times which I am leaving behind. Temporarily or not. Three years versus thirty. It makes a hell of a difference in life.
Fuck, maybe tomorrow I'll write the opposite letter just to see how that one feels, too.
...but I hope not. I have to get some work done soon. I want to get this settled and focus on my degree at hand. In the meantime, goodnight everyone. Thanks for listening.