(no subject)
I know you're sick of hearing about this... Hell, I'm sick of talking about it... But as the time ticks on and I need to commit myself to one or the other--staying or going--I need to take... well, as long as this takes... to pour all my thoughts out. As much as I can stomach in one sitting.
First thought:
The whole idea in my mind: Staying vs. Leaving. I can't help but think back to the talking point of 'cut and run.' Which really, I wouldn't be doing. I would have a full degree. A good degree. And returning with it. But since I had that brief moment of really happy days, and I convinced myself that staying here would be best for me, well... Going home has just felt too much like running away. Or at least giving up.
Second thought:
It was bound to happen. I have officially begun to juxtapose my own life to my literary subject. I have been writing so much about Faust and Faustian bargains... I finally see my plight in those terms. To stay requires a student loan, one which will set me back a good bit and possibly more each year. But it would make me happy. Physically happy. Socially happy. Perhaps even mentally happy. Happy for a short time. Then, upon graduation, reality might hit and I would get dragged down to hell to serve my penance. Now, do I accept the devil's bargain? Even still, I feel like I could somehow 'beat' it. "Oh," I think to myself, "everyone is having such problems with student loans, the government is bound to step in and help out." Or, "Yes, I may be in debt, but I can go straight into the work force."
I am getting distracted now... itchy to go look up web sites and job hunt a little. Hope to find that one wonderful position back home which will make it all "okay."
The correct answer to my bargain, of course, is to go home. Be a 'good' man and take the 'reasonable' route. Suppress my passion.
And I admit, when I think about it late at night and it all overwhelms me........ all I can think about is being home in my own bed and knowing that things are safe again. Safe at least for the future--even if the present seems to suck in comparison.
I can always come back, I know. But I don't feel that way. I somehow feel that once I leave, I won't have the motivation to do this again. Not here, at least. I can leave my friends in Edinburgh... "Sure, I'll be back in a year," I would say. But I would be lying. I would be lying. I somehow know this.
I see myself going home... settling on a temporary job somewhere... Not at the bank... not unless I went jobless for three months... then I might crawl back. Then, I would look into applying at UConn (actually, I would do that much earlier... the 2nd day I get back), I would continue to job hunt... I would wait to see where life took me.
Of course, I understand that it could take me nowhere. Or take me to the toilet (proverbially). I've seen this vaguely happen. Waterford has a way of defeating people with comfort and just making us too passive to go elsewhere.
(On a side note, I've told Kathleen how stupidly proud and jealous I am that she is doing what she wants for a living. If I had any part in the success of her life and making her happy, I guess something must have been right) (And I still miss her a lot)
Transitioning to girls... Things are... odd with Helen and I. Did I mention Helen at all here yet? Ah, yes.. the 3rd Worst Thing Which Could Happen To Me--but in a good way. Helen and I were really happy at first. Very close. Stayed together for most of Spain and had some real fun together. She sat me down recently (her first night back in town since then, actually. I hadn't seen her for 10 days) and told me that things got too serious too fast between us. And by serious, I mean 'mature.'
I warned her. I'm an old fart. At least compared to many undergraduate friends. I understood what she said, agreed, and just asked her to forgive me. I'm still not used to the idea of 'young' relationships and it's pretty natural for me to leap right in at how I felt the last time I felt this good about someone. But that level of seriousness isn't right. She never believed me when I said she was so much younger than me (20 vs. 24... she will be 21 in July), but... yeah.
I know already that she is not the reason I want to stay. After this last conversation, I'm not even sure if she is a reason at all. Considering how scary things got between us, I should have been more panicked.. more worried... but I felt somehow... numb. I care for her a lot, but in a way I've always prepared myself to leave friends behind from here. It was almost comforting that she wanted to ease up on 'us' a bit. I still remember what it feels like to drive away to undergrad with tears streaming down my face. I don't know if I could sit still on an airplane for something like that...
Thought 3:
I'm taking a moment to breathe here and rethink what to say next. I keep coming back to a strange strain of logic. Let me see if I can demonstrate it here...
Given:
If I had received a scholarship, there would be no question that I would be staying here.
Thus:
1. The only reason that I am thinking of going home now is because I did not receive any money.
2. Money is the only thing which is important to me in making this choice.
3. If I can get money through a loan, shouldn't that be an adequate replacement? No. Because then I have to repay it. And that will seriously affect my quality of life after graduation.
Laid out like that, it seems too simple... why else am I hesitating?
-Easy. Because I am not sure if this is something I definitely want to do.
Why?
-Because Univ. of Edinburgh is a research-based university. The professors here are more focused on publications than on student interaction. That is not the kind of academic I wish to become.
Couldn't you just take the degree and become what you want somewhere else?
-Yes. And that is why I would like to stay. The Edinburgh 'name' means a lot, especially back home overseas.
Why else don't you want to do it?
-The life of an academic is not very profitable, typically. The idea of working in/around theatre some other way seems tempting. There is nothing wrong with being an office junky during the day and a surfer on weekends... at least, that's how my brother does it. I would have to be in an office of a place I care about (i.e. a theatre or some artistic centre), but I could be fine in theatre management if it meant still surrounding myself with that 'sort' of environment. However, all my 'experience' is in literature. At the moment, I am not designed for something such as that... and in all likelihood, my MSc would be a waste in such a place.
To be fair.. given my experience this year, my MSc will NEVER be a waste. It has been one of the awesomer experiences of my life. Another reason I don't want it to end. It has not been easy though... No. Easy was to go work at the bank and imput data in a computer all day. I wish my family was closer. Sort of. Waterford was closer? I don't know. I wish I wasn't cut off over here.
Again, this is the time I want to curl up and go home. I do not need 'a rest,' per se, but to go back home would give me a chance to reevaluate and reset some things.
Like what?
-(pause) ...like I don't exactly know. Reevaluate the idea of going to get a PhD in America... a 'program' that teaches me and doesn't just throw me off to research on my own (Seriously, what does Edinburgh need ten grand in tuition for if I only use ONE advisor?)
I can't help it.. I have to go look at something online...
Thought 4:
Clicking with the mouse a bit helped my fingers. I had to go check out the UConn webpage. I... wanted an idea of what my chances might be... if I would be any happier there than I am here. What did I learn in about 10 minutes? Their Drama Studies dept. doesn't do PhDs, so I would have to go through English... which is much more competative. That being said, all PhDs receive a full tuition and stipend it said...
Someone pointed out to me recently that funding is not guaranteed anyplace. The idea I have that if I went back to the US things would be all peachy is just wrong. Job market and gas prices aside, I cannot be certain that any given US doctoral program will accept me AND give me a full ride. I may be stuck with loans no matter where I go. And with that in mind, I am afraid to pass up the chance to just stay here now...
I have a relatively smooth life going. If I found a decent flat...a place that was at least a bit more like 'home,' I could be very happy here for a while. And the idea of packing up my life now, unpacking it in CT, then packing it up again to go someplace else (Edinburgh, Boston, UConn, or Chuckamucka Nowhere Theatre, Ltd.) is... dissettling. My Mom doesn't really feel that. She was an air force brat, though. She is used to bouncing around. Personally, I never felt great at making friends. To have so many people here who I can depend on for fun is nice (to be fair, I don't exactly consider any of them 'close' in the sense of 'deep' or 'trusting,' but part of that is my own distancing maybe) (a lot of it, maybe)
I'll say this much about my year in Edinburgh: I haven't been this happy and comfortable in any place for a while. Likewise, I haven't felt like vomiting and crying so often ever since I went through that trouble in middle school. Call it loneliness, I suppose, but I am missing something immportant here. And I cannot shake the cultural feeling of being an outsider at all.
This being said, when Helen sent me a text much earlier tonight, my heart did make a small leap of happiness...
Thought 5:
It is late, and I just thought about going to brush my teeth. Many of these thoughts come in teeth brushing. Or dish washing. But that made me think of something else. I thought of all the people whom I've talked to about this lately and how I can't get any of the answers I want. In general, responses fall into three categories:
1. You have a tough decision there. They are both 'good.' You're the only one who can decide.
2. Based on what you say, you sound like you really want to stay. You should find some way to do that.
3. Trust me: You absolutely do NOT want to pay for student loans/work while doing a PhD/depend on the academic job market for a career. You should go home and make sure you're doing the right thing first.
I just really want someone to say, "THIS is the right choice." But more than that, I want EVERYONE to say "this is the right choice." I want the decision to be obvious and simple. I want it to be something which we can all agree on and then I will just do it.
But this is the first decision for me which has been genuinely so difficult... Coming here to begin with was easy... I wanted to continue education and this was the best place for it. But this next step brings a lot of risks... I could do one or the other and be equally successful. As for misery, I know that if I stay in Edinburgh I will not be any more miserable than I am now (which typically isn't much, except for homesickness.. it has been 6 months now...). If I go home, I could easily lapse into the coma of Waterford... and the shock of losing Symphony Orchestra, Chamber Orchestra, and Theatre Paradok would be hard. If I stay, I'm definitely going to try and do Jazz Orch as well. I can only get MORE involved with Paradok... no matter how shit our current show is...
But is it worth $30,000 each year? With a part-time job?
Shouldn't I push myself to go someplace which will pay me?? Even if UConn is too competative, there are a ton of schools in the CT/MA/NY area which would pick me up if I only tried.
The more I procrastinate, the more I feel like I will return home. No matter how much I enjoy it here, if I can't fully convince myself yet that staying is the best thing for me, then the most obvious answer is that I need to take time off before committing.
I run scenarios through in my mind... If I go home and nothing turns out well, I will regret the decison for ever. If I go through all this and end up in massive debt, I will have set myself on a path for life which is not how I would like it to be (and that will surely bring some regret), but I cannot imagine myself ever saying, "You know, that Edinburgh was a bad choice." I will have to work harder for the rest of my life, or else I will have to do without a lot more, but I can always blame that on jobs not paying me enough, economies being shit, and... other things. I will need a spouse who works and makes better money than me... Okay, 'need' is a strong word there.
By the by:
I learned the other day that the chances for reapplying to scholarships after my first year here would be much more difficult. Most scholarships are designed for first-year entries. At best, I might scrape by with just working part time and only taking out a minimal loan one year.
::sigh::
What is so bad about going home for a year and sorting things out?
-I am comfortable now. I am happy now. I have a girlfriend. A theatre troupe. An orchestra (or two). A flatmate. A frying pan. A D&D group. A *good* D&D group! Culture all around me! The interest of a foreign land! The excitement of learning new things all the time. Of laughing at myself and my country. Of laughing at THEM and their countries. Of being Odd Uncle Patrick. Of having people my own age to work with. Of... of....
---i am too tired for any more of this.
What is home?
Other stuff. Family. Other friends. Safety. Responsibility. A jacuzzi. My pets. Nintendo?
--too tired. 1:38 AM. Bed.
nothing to be done.
First thought:
The whole idea in my mind: Staying vs. Leaving. I can't help but think back to the talking point of 'cut and run.' Which really, I wouldn't be doing. I would have a full degree. A good degree. And returning with it. But since I had that brief moment of really happy days, and I convinced myself that staying here would be best for me, well... Going home has just felt too much like running away. Or at least giving up.
Second thought:
It was bound to happen. I have officially begun to juxtapose my own life to my literary subject. I have been writing so much about Faust and Faustian bargains... I finally see my plight in those terms. To stay requires a student loan, one which will set me back a good bit and possibly more each year. But it would make me happy. Physically happy. Socially happy. Perhaps even mentally happy. Happy for a short time. Then, upon graduation, reality might hit and I would get dragged down to hell to serve my penance. Now, do I accept the devil's bargain? Even still, I feel like I could somehow 'beat' it. "Oh," I think to myself, "everyone is having such problems with student loans, the government is bound to step in and help out." Or, "Yes, I may be in debt, but I can go straight into the work force."
I am getting distracted now... itchy to go look up web sites and job hunt a little. Hope to find that one wonderful position back home which will make it all "okay."
The correct answer to my bargain, of course, is to go home. Be a 'good' man and take the 'reasonable' route. Suppress my passion.
And I admit, when I think about it late at night and it all overwhelms me........ all I can think about is being home in my own bed and knowing that things are safe again. Safe at least for the future--even if the present seems to suck in comparison.
I can always come back, I know. But I don't feel that way. I somehow feel that once I leave, I won't have the motivation to do this again. Not here, at least. I can leave my friends in Edinburgh... "Sure, I'll be back in a year," I would say. But I would be lying. I would be lying. I somehow know this.
I see myself going home... settling on a temporary job somewhere... Not at the bank... not unless I went jobless for three months... then I might crawl back. Then, I would look into applying at UConn (actually, I would do that much earlier... the 2nd day I get back), I would continue to job hunt... I would wait to see where life took me.
Of course, I understand that it could take me nowhere. Or take me to the toilet (proverbially). I've seen this vaguely happen. Waterford has a way of defeating people with comfort and just making us too passive to go elsewhere.
(On a side note, I've told Kathleen how stupidly proud and jealous I am that she is doing what she wants for a living. If I had any part in the success of her life and making her happy, I guess something must have been right) (And I still miss her a lot)
Transitioning to girls... Things are... odd with Helen and I. Did I mention Helen at all here yet? Ah, yes.. the 3rd Worst Thing Which Could Happen To Me--but in a good way. Helen and I were really happy at first. Very close. Stayed together for most of Spain and had some real fun together. She sat me down recently (her first night back in town since then, actually. I hadn't seen her for 10 days) and told me that things got too serious too fast between us. And by serious, I mean 'mature.'
I warned her. I'm an old fart. At least compared to many undergraduate friends. I understood what she said, agreed, and just asked her to forgive me. I'm still not used to the idea of 'young' relationships and it's pretty natural for me to leap right in at how I felt the last time I felt this good about someone. But that level of seriousness isn't right. She never believed me when I said she was so much younger than me (20 vs. 24... she will be 21 in July), but... yeah.
I know already that she is not the reason I want to stay. After this last conversation, I'm not even sure if she is a reason at all. Considering how scary things got between us, I should have been more panicked.. more worried... but I felt somehow... numb. I care for her a lot, but in a way I've always prepared myself to leave friends behind from here. It was almost comforting that she wanted to ease up on 'us' a bit. I still remember what it feels like to drive away to undergrad with tears streaming down my face. I don't know if I could sit still on an airplane for something like that...
Thought 3:
I'm taking a moment to breathe here and rethink what to say next. I keep coming back to a strange strain of logic. Let me see if I can demonstrate it here...
Given:
If I had received a scholarship, there would be no question that I would be staying here.
Thus:
1. The only reason that I am thinking of going home now is because I did not receive any money.
2. Money is the only thing which is important to me in making this choice.
3. If I can get money through a loan, shouldn't that be an adequate replacement? No. Because then I have to repay it. And that will seriously affect my quality of life after graduation.
Laid out like that, it seems too simple... why else am I hesitating?
-Easy. Because I am not sure if this is something I definitely want to do.
Why?
-Because Univ. of Edinburgh is a research-based university. The professors here are more focused on publications than on student interaction. That is not the kind of academic I wish to become.
Couldn't you just take the degree and become what you want somewhere else?
-Yes. And that is why I would like to stay. The Edinburgh 'name' means a lot, especially back home overseas.
Why else don't you want to do it?
-The life of an academic is not very profitable, typically. The idea of working in/around theatre some other way seems tempting. There is nothing wrong with being an office junky during the day and a surfer on weekends... at least, that's how my brother does it. I would have to be in an office of a place I care about (i.e. a theatre or some artistic centre), but I could be fine in theatre management if it meant still surrounding myself with that 'sort' of environment. However, all my 'experience' is in literature. At the moment, I am not designed for something such as that... and in all likelihood, my MSc would be a waste in such a place.
To be fair.. given my experience this year, my MSc will NEVER be a waste. It has been one of the awesomer experiences of my life. Another reason I don't want it to end. It has not been easy though... No. Easy was to go work at the bank and imput data in a computer all day. I wish my family was closer. Sort of. Waterford was closer? I don't know. I wish I wasn't cut off over here.
Again, this is the time I want to curl up and go home. I do not need 'a rest,' per se, but to go back home would give me a chance to reevaluate and reset some things.
Like what?
-(pause) ...like I don't exactly know. Reevaluate the idea of going to get a PhD in America... a 'program' that teaches me and doesn't just throw me off to research on my own (Seriously, what does Edinburgh need ten grand in tuition for if I only use ONE advisor?)
I can't help it.. I have to go look at something online...
Thought 4:
Clicking with the mouse a bit helped my fingers. I had to go check out the UConn webpage. I... wanted an idea of what my chances might be... if I would be any happier there than I am here. What did I learn in about 10 minutes? Their Drama Studies dept. doesn't do PhDs, so I would have to go through English... which is much more competative. That being said, all PhDs receive a full tuition and stipend it said...
Someone pointed out to me recently that funding is not guaranteed anyplace. The idea I have that if I went back to the US things would be all peachy is just wrong. Job market and gas prices aside, I cannot be certain that any given US doctoral program will accept me AND give me a full ride. I may be stuck with loans no matter where I go. And with that in mind, I am afraid to pass up the chance to just stay here now...
I have a relatively smooth life going. If I found a decent flat...a place that was at least a bit more like 'home,' I could be very happy here for a while. And the idea of packing up my life now, unpacking it in CT, then packing it up again to go someplace else (Edinburgh, Boston, UConn, or Chuckamucka Nowhere Theatre, Ltd.) is... dissettling. My Mom doesn't really feel that. She was an air force brat, though. She is used to bouncing around. Personally, I never felt great at making friends. To have so many people here who I can depend on for fun is nice (to be fair, I don't exactly consider any of them 'close' in the sense of 'deep' or 'trusting,' but part of that is my own distancing maybe) (a lot of it, maybe)
I'll say this much about my year in Edinburgh: I haven't been this happy and comfortable in any place for a while. Likewise, I haven't felt like vomiting and crying so often ever since I went through that trouble in middle school. Call it loneliness, I suppose, but I am missing something immportant here. And I cannot shake the cultural feeling of being an outsider at all.
This being said, when Helen sent me a text much earlier tonight, my heart did make a small leap of happiness...
Thought 5:
It is late, and I just thought about going to brush my teeth. Many of these thoughts come in teeth brushing. Or dish washing. But that made me think of something else. I thought of all the people whom I've talked to about this lately and how I can't get any of the answers I want. In general, responses fall into three categories:
1. You have a tough decision there. They are both 'good.' You're the only one who can decide.
2. Based on what you say, you sound like you really want to stay. You should find some way to do that.
3. Trust me: You absolutely do NOT want to pay for student loans/work while doing a PhD/depend on the academic job market for a career. You should go home and make sure you're doing the right thing first.
I just really want someone to say, "THIS is the right choice." But more than that, I want EVERYONE to say "this is the right choice." I want the decision to be obvious and simple. I want it to be something which we can all agree on and then I will just do it.
But this is the first decision for me which has been genuinely so difficult... Coming here to begin with was easy... I wanted to continue education and this was the best place for it. But this next step brings a lot of risks... I could do one or the other and be equally successful. As for misery, I know that if I stay in Edinburgh I will not be any more miserable than I am now (which typically isn't much, except for homesickness.. it has been 6 months now...). If I go home, I could easily lapse into the coma of Waterford... and the shock of losing Symphony Orchestra, Chamber Orchestra, and Theatre Paradok would be hard. If I stay, I'm definitely going to try and do Jazz Orch as well. I can only get MORE involved with Paradok... no matter how shit our current show is...
But is it worth $30,000 each year? With a part-time job?
Shouldn't I push myself to go someplace which will pay me?? Even if UConn is too competative, there are a ton of schools in the CT/MA/NY area which would pick me up if I only tried.
The more I procrastinate, the more I feel like I will return home. No matter how much I enjoy it here, if I can't fully convince myself yet that staying is the best thing for me, then the most obvious answer is that I need to take time off before committing.
I run scenarios through in my mind... If I go home and nothing turns out well, I will regret the decison for ever. If I go through all this and end up in massive debt, I will have set myself on a path for life which is not how I would like it to be (and that will surely bring some regret), but I cannot imagine myself ever saying, "You know, that Edinburgh was a bad choice." I will have to work harder for the rest of my life, or else I will have to do without a lot more, but I can always blame that on jobs not paying me enough, economies being shit, and... other things. I will need a spouse who works and makes better money than me... Okay, 'need' is a strong word there.
By the by:
I learned the other day that the chances for reapplying to scholarships after my first year here would be much more difficult. Most scholarships are designed for first-year entries. At best, I might scrape by with just working part time and only taking out a minimal loan one year.
::sigh::
What is so bad about going home for a year and sorting things out?
-I am comfortable now. I am happy now. I have a girlfriend. A theatre troupe. An orchestra (or two). A flatmate. A frying pan. A D&D group. A *good* D&D group! Culture all around me! The interest of a foreign land! The excitement of learning new things all the time. Of laughing at myself and my country. Of laughing at THEM and their countries. Of being Odd Uncle Patrick. Of having people my own age to work with. Of... of....
---i am too tired for any more of this.
What is home?
Other stuff. Family. Other friends. Safety. Responsibility. A jacuzzi. My pets. Nintendo?
--too tired. 1:38 AM. Bed.
nothing to be done.