(no subject)
Alright. I've thought some more these past few days, and this is the second day in a row that I've come to the conclusion to go home--or at least back to the 'States. Let's see if I can't outline the basic reasons why / "the gameplan":
-First off, it may be possible to differ my acceptance here for a year. That gives me a full year to try and seek out extra sources of funding without totally writing off my admission to one of the top recognised universities in the world, etc. This is a BIG safety net for the back of my mind. One of the biggest headaches while applying for scholarships was the fact that most American-based sources of funding had deadlines in October, etc. So, this is a very strategic move (and also ensures that I start RIGHT AWAY with the idea of attending university in September 2009).
-The more I think about it, the more I realise that I am not staying here for the program itself but instead for the company, and I guess most specifically for Theatre Paradok. To begin with, I would be the *first ever* theatre doctoral student here at Edinburgh, at least as long as anyone can remember or the computer systems have been established. While that's cool to think, the program is quite.... un-supported. What does it say when my best theatre experiences here were with student societies and independent review companies? In terms of cost, I would be spending my tuition on a name more than an actual education. That may be a bit harsh, but it is essentially true. The culture in the city is a great addition, but the univeristy itself doesn't take advantage of it. In addition, academia is highly based on publication and building credibility for the university. As such, there isn't much student interaction until the final year of my degree, and because I really only care for the teaching aspect of things, perhaps this isn't the best place for me to study. (To clarify, I mean the idea of theatre production and working with students/professionals. Yes, that seems to include everyone... and yet, I don't have much taste for "amateur" theatre. Students are daring enough to try new things. Amateurs just want to make their families happy).
-Finance. Every student - both graduated and postgrads alike - has advised me to find funding. "There IS a university that will fund you," one friend constantly reminds me. And paying back student loans does, indeed, sound like a bitch. Given the point above, the product doesn't sound like it's worth the price tag.
-Employment. In the basic job search I've found so far, it actually appears to be more jobs in America right now than the UK - shy of maybe living in London and earning a negative overall income. Even if I don't have anything set up immediately, I feel a bit more confident that I will find something. It is that first month of unemployment which will hurt, but I think I can scrape some savings by to survive. More on that once I talk with my Mom I guess, especially as she prepares the house to sell.
So what is keeping me here? Well, there is nothing wrong with buying the name of a university - especially a foreign one which looks real good to prospective universities to hire me. And more importantly, there are my friends here. With so many of my friends back home kinda spreading out, it is really nice to have a group of about 5-8 people who I'm really close to and know will be around next Fall. Paradok has been a huge part of that. I don't get sentimental too often, but it has been something special with those folks. I came in at a time when, unknowingly, the society was either going to sink or swim (the founders had just graduated at the end of last year - it's that young of a group). But I came in and assumed that they had done this all the time. I helped put on a worthwhile show in the Fall and really contributed to making something unique this past Spring. We attracted audience based solely on word of mouth and the good name of our company. That feels really good (and my friend Robin, who is President of the group, should be the damned proudest person on campus). I'm both enthusiastic and curious to really help take the group farther next year--REALLY enthusiastic--but..... that isn't enough to keep me here and risk long term financial consquences.
I mean, that's how I feel at the moment.
Everything about some of these friends is pleasant: Having mature postgrads to discuss literature with again. Lead a D&D session again just for fun (there is something about academic schedules which makes gaming particularly fluid, and it is a sad highlight of my week/bi-week). Meeting new people from all over the world. You know, it's just the kind of atmosphere which everyone WANTS in Waterford, but just usually doesn't exist.
And, to add to the above, there is friends, family, and pets which I miss. If I was a 6 hour drive away that would be one thing, but I am quite distanced here. I'm not freaking out about it anymore, but I certainly haven't met anyone here whom I feel particularly CLOSE to. Take, for example, that none of them even know about my LJ. I'm still leading a dual-personality. Home won't necessarily fix that, but it would be one less stress that I occaisonally feel.
-and that, my friends, is a post for a whole 'nother evening. So. With all that being said. Nothing is permanent still. But it is the most logical argument I've come up with.
Heh. Logic vs. Emotion. The mantra of my studies this year. Of course.
Goodnight.
-First off, it may be possible to differ my acceptance here for a year. That gives me a full year to try and seek out extra sources of funding without totally writing off my admission to one of the top recognised universities in the world, etc. This is a BIG safety net for the back of my mind. One of the biggest headaches while applying for scholarships was the fact that most American-based sources of funding had deadlines in October, etc. So, this is a very strategic move (and also ensures that I start RIGHT AWAY with the idea of attending university in September 2009).
-The more I think about it, the more I realise that I am not staying here for the program itself but instead for the company, and I guess most specifically for Theatre Paradok. To begin with, I would be the *first ever* theatre doctoral student here at Edinburgh, at least as long as anyone can remember or the computer systems have been established. While that's cool to think, the program is quite.... un-supported. What does it say when my best theatre experiences here were with student societies and independent review companies? In terms of cost, I would be spending my tuition on a name more than an actual education. That may be a bit harsh, but it is essentially true. The culture in the city is a great addition, but the univeristy itself doesn't take advantage of it. In addition, academia is highly based on publication and building credibility for the university. As such, there isn't much student interaction until the final year of my degree, and because I really only care for the teaching aspect of things, perhaps this isn't the best place for me to study. (To clarify, I mean the idea of theatre production and working with students/professionals. Yes, that seems to include everyone... and yet, I don't have much taste for "amateur" theatre. Students are daring enough to try new things. Amateurs just want to make their families happy).
-Finance. Every student - both graduated and postgrads alike - has advised me to find funding. "There IS a university that will fund you," one friend constantly reminds me. And paying back student loans does, indeed, sound like a bitch. Given the point above, the product doesn't sound like it's worth the price tag.
-Employment. In the basic job search I've found so far, it actually appears to be more jobs in America right now than the UK - shy of maybe living in London and earning a negative overall income. Even if I don't have anything set up immediately, I feel a bit more confident that I will find something. It is that first month of unemployment which will hurt, but I think I can scrape some savings by to survive. More on that once I talk with my Mom I guess, especially as she prepares the house to sell.
So what is keeping me here? Well, there is nothing wrong with buying the name of a university - especially a foreign one which looks real good to prospective universities to hire me. And more importantly, there are my friends here. With so many of my friends back home kinda spreading out, it is really nice to have a group of about 5-8 people who I'm really close to and know will be around next Fall. Paradok has been a huge part of that. I don't get sentimental too often, but it has been something special with those folks. I came in at a time when, unknowingly, the society was either going to sink or swim (the founders had just graduated at the end of last year - it's that young of a group). But I came in and assumed that they had done this all the time. I helped put on a worthwhile show in the Fall and really contributed to making something unique this past Spring. We attracted audience based solely on word of mouth and the good name of our company. That feels really good (and my friend Robin, who is President of the group, should be the damned proudest person on campus). I'm both enthusiastic and curious to really help take the group farther next year--REALLY enthusiastic--but..... that isn't enough to keep me here and risk long term financial consquences.
I mean, that's how I feel at the moment.
Everything about some of these friends is pleasant: Having mature postgrads to discuss literature with again. Lead a D&D session again just for fun (there is something about academic schedules which makes gaming particularly fluid, and it is a sad highlight of my week/bi-week). Meeting new people from all over the world. You know, it's just the kind of atmosphere which everyone WANTS in Waterford, but just usually doesn't exist.
And, to add to the above, there is friends, family, and pets which I miss. If I was a 6 hour drive away that would be one thing, but I am quite distanced here. I'm not freaking out about it anymore, but I certainly haven't met anyone here whom I feel particularly CLOSE to. Take, for example, that none of them even know about my LJ. I'm still leading a dual-personality. Home won't necessarily fix that, but it would be one less stress that I occaisonally feel.
-and that, my friends, is a post for a whole 'nother evening. So. With all that being said. Nothing is permanent still. But it is the most logical argument I've come up with.
Heh. Logic vs. Emotion. The mantra of my studies this year. Of course.
Goodnight.