(no subject)
Hey all,
It's been a while, as I don't know if anyone is actually reading this in LiveJournal anymore, seeing as i post in her thrice a year at most (hence the Facebook and MySpace x-post), but here goes....
I'm in the throes of my usual winter depression. This go-round (my second year being medicated for it, albeit medicated year-round), I'm on 40 mg of Celexa. My relationship with Tanya is suffering at the moment, as she feels she has to "mother" me, and I'm at odds with myself as to what I should be doing to help myself. (my LJ userpic, red teebagging blue, seems to be a constant theme to me...)
I tried to get myself onto *A* schedule, and no one else seemed to like it. I was on vacation for the past week, and found myself naturally gravitating to a sleep @ 7AM, wake @ 3PM sched. This worked for me, as I established rhythms that worked out, with the exception of falling completely against the social norms, and everyone else's sleep sched (Tanya expressed that one of her feelings was that I was, maybe subconsciously, doing that in order to spend less time with her. Today, I actually slept from 7AM to 10 PM. Not acceptable, I know, but i just kept on going. Tanya got pseudo-locked out of the house during that time (frozen storm door latch), as well as folded laundry on top of me, and spent a whole day awake while I was oblivious to everything and slept through it all. She's saying I seem to be affected by Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, but I doubt it, based on my own read on the symptoms (en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chronic_fatigue_syndrome). I actually slept through most of Tanya cooking our Xmas dinner Saturday (Ukrainian Xmas, where my family was in town and we were hosting), and even my parents leaving town Sunday morning.
My physical health is not 100% either. I gained nearly 30 pounds in the 3 months from when the house negotiation stuff started happening. Those who knew me back in high school should be able to picture me with 130 pounds on my 6-foot frame, those from college, 170 pounds. I was 210 in September, and am now right near 240. I get winded from walking up the 2 flights of stairs in my house from my office to the bedroom, and I'm exhausted from doing things like dishes. I'm not suffering from any direct ailments per blood tests, and the doc said I'm fine save for being out of shape. Of course, excluding my Acid-Reflux, where I've been bumped up to the strongest med out there, Nexium, and I still don't think I'm getting through it well...
I also can't get myself going, or recover when somethign gets in the way of what I have planned. Case in point: Sunday of last week, I had listed a bunch of stuff out in a to-do list on my crackberry. When I actually get to that point, i usually mean business, but something small, like having to go out to get supper from the Donair shop 2 blocks away threw it all to crap. I finally finished most of my first day's worth f stuff on that list at about 730 AM on Thursday, after my parents had arrived in town...
My move went well; Dad, my brother, and Father-in-Law all helped with that back in October, but nothing seems to be falling into place since then. I had to take out a payday loan to cover some of the extra costs of thge move, and I've been in a cycle since then, despite even having gotten a $2200 paycheque for having worked both Xmas, Boxing day, and a shit load of OT. I can afford my expenses in the new place, with some bills having been reduced due to less energy expenditure, for example, but I haven't been above the $0 mark on a month to month basis since October 1st, when I had to delay my last month's rent for Boardwalk, so that I could pay lawyers' fees etc.
At work, my advancement woes are continuing; my bid for Full Time status was denied twice since September, and even a grievance couldn't get me that, as I have had more absences than the 6-month department average continuously. Whether I'm sick, having a depressed day, or taking care of Tanya after one of her panic attack, I'm still at 6-point something percent absenteeism as of mid-December. This lack of Full-Time status is scaring the fuck out of me, as the economic downturn makes me think that unemployment is just over the horizon, even in a company that cannot manage to meet government-mandated service levels on a monthly basis. The only way I can get them to "ignore" my absences is to have my doc (who really is just a Medicenter doc) fill out a "Practicioner's Assesment Form" for possibly $100 a page, which is reviewed by the Corporate Health department, who has the power to say "Sorry, you're just malingering", even if I'm not.
I also seem to be losing the battle of getting my name out there at work, and ensuring that I'm a vital presence that they cannot afford to get rid of. While I attempt to fix things and take ownership of issues where clients just seem to be getting the run-around, I keep getting told that my efforts are in vain, and what really matters is my call statistics. The fact that I'm not "taking my fair share of calls, and fast enough", while trying to fix said problems (even ones that are created by my own co-workers), seems to be more important. I also have lost my ability to work on off-queue projects, such as entering my co-workers' sales into the system, or maintaining the channel guide that I created, as my stats are not good enough. I have even tried to spearhead initiatives such as getting our systems and product improved, but have only met opposition, either cause I stick my foot in my mouth, or cause people deem what I'm doing to not be enough import to focus on.
At this point, this is a summary of where I stand- I feel lost, as my efforts in anything, work or personal, keep getting defeated. I don't dare ask for help, because I have that pride thing getting in the way, I feel like a burden to others, and I fear rejection by those that I would ask, for fear that I might make them feel like they're "parenting me". I'm also at a loss as to things I can do to help myself, because with no extra funds, I can't get a new work wardrobe (to portray a more "business-oriended" look), I can't get to the gym, as I can't even afford the $15 monthly for the scuzzy gym in the basement at work, massage therapy or psychotherapy may be covered, but only via reimbursement, and going to the bar with friends - out of the question.
Any ideas anyone?
It's been a while, as I don't know if anyone is actually reading this in LiveJournal anymore, seeing as i post in her thrice a year at most (hence the Facebook and MySpace x-post), but here goes....
I'm in the throes of my usual winter depression. This go-round (my second year being medicated for it, albeit medicated year-round), I'm on 40 mg of Celexa. My relationship with Tanya is suffering at the moment, as she feels she has to "mother" me, and I'm at odds with myself as to what I should be doing to help myself. (my LJ userpic, red teebagging blue, seems to be a constant theme to me...)
I tried to get myself onto *A* schedule, and no one else seemed to like it. I was on vacation for the past week, and found myself naturally gravitating to a sleep @ 7AM, wake @ 3PM sched. This worked for me, as I established rhythms that worked out, with the exception of falling completely against the social norms, and everyone else's sleep sched (Tanya expressed that one of her feelings was that I was, maybe subconsciously, doing that in order to spend less time with her. Today, I actually slept from 7AM to 10 PM. Not acceptable, I know, but i just kept on going. Tanya got pseudo-locked out of the house during that time (frozen storm door latch), as well as folded laundry on top of me, and spent a whole day awake while I was oblivious to everything and slept through it all. She's saying I seem to be affected by Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, but I doubt it, based on my own read on the symptoms (en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chronic_fatigue_syndrome). I actually slept through most of Tanya cooking our Xmas dinner Saturday (Ukrainian Xmas, where my family was in town and we were hosting), and even my parents leaving town Sunday morning.
My physical health is not 100% either. I gained nearly 30 pounds in the 3 months from when the house negotiation stuff started happening. Those who knew me back in high school should be able to picture me with 130 pounds on my 6-foot frame, those from college, 170 pounds. I was 210 in September, and am now right near 240. I get winded from walking up the 2 flights of stairs in my house from my office to the bedroom, and I'm exhausted from doing things like dishes. I'm not suffering from any direct ailments per blood tests, and the doc said I'm fine save for being out of shape. Of course, excluding my Acid-Reflux, where I've been bumped up to the strongest med out there, Nexium, and I still don't think I'm getting through it well...
I also can't get myself going, or recover when somethign gets in the way of what I have planned. Case in point: Sunday of last week, I had listed a bunch of stuff out in a to-do list on my crackberry. When I actually get to that point, i usually mean business, but something small, like having to go out to get supper from the Donair shop 2 blocks away threw it all to crap. I finally finished most of my first day's worth f stuff on that list at about 730 AM on Thursday, after my parents had arrived in town...
My move went well; Dad, my brother, and Father-in-Law all helped with that back in October, but nothing seems to be falling into place since then. I had to take out a payday loan to cover some of the extra costs of thge move, and I've been in a cycle since then, despite even having gotten a $2200 paycheque for having worked both Xmas, Boxing day, and a shit load of OT. I can afford my expenses in the new place, with some bills having been reduced due to less energy expenditure, for example, but I haven't been above the $0 mark on a month to month basis since October 1st, when I had to delay my last month's rent for Boardwalk, so that I could pay lawyers' fees etc.
At work, my advancement woes are continuing; my bid for Full Time status was denied twice since September, and even a grievance couldn't get me that, as I have had more absences than the 6-month department average continuously. Whether I'm sick, having a depressed day, or taking care of Tanya after one of her panic attack, I'm still at 6-point something percent absenteeism as of mid-December. This lack of Full-Time status is scaring the fuck out of me, as the economic downturn makes me think that unemployment is just over the horizon, even in a company that cannot manage to meet government-mandated service levels on a monthly basis. The only way I can get them to "ignore" my absences is to have my doc (who really is just a Medicenter doc) fill out a "Practicioner's Assesment Form" for possibly $100 a page, which is reviewed by the Corporate Health department, who has the power to say "Sorry, you're just malingering", even if I'm not.
I also seem to be losing the battle of getting my name out there at work, and ensuring that I'm a vital presence that they cannot afford to get rid of. While I attempt to fix things and take ownership of issues where clients just seem to be getting the run-around, I keep getting told that my efforts are in vain, and what really matters is my call statistics. The fact that I'm not "taking my fair share of calls, and fast enough", while trying to fix said problems (even ones that are created by my own co-workers), seems to be more important. I also have lost my ability to work on off-queue projects, such as entering my co-workers' sales into the system, or maintaining the channel guide that I created, as my stats are not good enough. I have even tried to spearhead initiatives such as getting our systems and product improved, but have only met opposition, either cause I stick my foot in my mouth, or cause people deem what I'm doing to not be enough import to focus on.
At this point, this is a summary of where I stand- I feel lost, as my efforts in anything, work or personal, keep getting defeated. I don't dare ask for help, because I have that pride thing getting in the way, I feel like a burden to others, and I fear rejection by those that I would ask, for fear that I might make them feel like they're "parenting me". I'm also at a loss as to things I can do to help myself, because with no extra funds, I can't get a new work wardrobe (to portray a more "business-oriended" look), I can't get to the gym, as I can't even afford the $15 monthly for the scuzzy gym in the basement at work, massage therapy or psychotherapy may be covered, but only via reimbursement, and going to the bar with friends - out of the question.
Any ideas anyone?