(no subject)
Being in Phoenix is starting to drive me a little crazy. It's too early for this to happen. I'm anxious, feel out of place, feel idle... I don't know if I'd be happier in Tacoma, though. I feel a little anxious there, too. I just need to relax, stop thinking about him, and find something to do with myself. Reading wont work... sitting still just lets my mind wander. And we know where it goes. I'm listening to "Everything Reminds Me of Her" by Elliott Smith right now. I'm a mess.
I want to be back at Interlochen. Everything is so peaceful there. There's purpose and meaning, things to do, people to love and be loved by. The air is so damp and cool, and there's soft sunlight and the breeze coming off the lake. I need to be there NOW!
Apparently I'm going to Sedona with Dustin Youso tomorrow. It will be strange. We've only just become friends. And I hate driving. Driving up there will be a pain in the ass. I want to go hiking, but I don't know how to find any trailheads. I don't know why I'm so anxious about it. Maybe just hanging out with a boy who I'm attracted to who isn't Jeff.
I don't know why I'm so hung up on Jeff. Makes me want to cut my heart out with a scalpel. Which is a little overdramatic, I know, but it's really how I feel. I can't decide whether or not I should tell him that I still have feelings for him. I'm sure he's over me and even if he's not, he's not going to want to get back together. Fuck. Why? What's so wrong with me? Am I not good enough?
I went back to North today. It made me feel like I was back in high school - self-conscious and insecure, a little out of place, a little awkward. Strange how place-associations can do that to you. I kept feeling like campus security was going to come and chase us down.
I love how writing on livejournal always makes you reveal a little bit too much about yourself. I guess these are things I don't really keep secret, though. And a little self-divulgence is always good.
And nobody is being forced to read this anyway.
I want to be back at Interlochen. Everything is so peaceful there. There's purpose and meaning, things to do, people to love and be loved by. The air is so damp and cool, and there's soft sunlight and the breeze coming off the lake. I need to be there NOW!
Apparently I'm going to Sedona with Dustin Youso tomorrow. It will be strange. We've only just become friends. And I hate driving. Driving up there will be a pain in the ass. I want to go hiking, but I don't know how to find any trailheads. I don't know why I'm so anxious about it. Maybe just hanging out with a boy who I'm attracted to who isn't Jeff.
I don't know why I'm so hung up on Jeff. Makes me want to cut my heart out with a scalpel. Which is a little overdramatic, I know, but it's really how I feel. I can't decide whether or not I should tell him that I still have feelings for him. I'm sure he's over me and even if he's not, he's not going to want to get back together. Fuck. Why? What's so wrong with me? Am I not good enough?
I went back to North today. It made me feel like I was back in high school - self-conscious and insecure, a little out of place, a little awkward. Strange how place-associations can do that to you. I kept feeling like campus security was going to come and chase us down.
I love how writing on livejournal always makes you reveal a little bit too much about yourself. I guess these are things I don't really keep secret, though. And a little self-divulgence is always good.
And nobody is being forced to read this anyway.