F~@K, My Mom Said.
My mother said "fuck" today. She did. I've know her, well, since the day I was born, and she's never said fuck before... I think it was that meeting she went to. Somewhere between the to and from of the whole fudging thing, she's been body swapped by some alien person. But, if this one cooks better, we're keeping her.
Maa, wherever you are, I hope they get your tea right and your favorite news paper and channels. Try not to randomly clean their closets and lecture them on how to have a good marriage... Also, don't lose your specs as much and snoop around in their computers. No one, not even aliens or secret government facilities that want to slowly turn people into humanoid spies by using the all seeing eyes of the home-maker, appreciate that. Remember to take your medicine, and your ironic, borderline racist cliche jokes are not funny or easily misinterpreted. I know you'll be tempted to make them around aliens, but don't.
Hope they let you back soon. Dad can't find anything, and no one can finish his sentences for him... it is like watching a very intelligent man-chils cope with the perils of simple rituals of daily existence... The alien clone person hogs the remote and keeps whining about her weight...
Alright, now the truth of it all. My mother, bless her heart is going through menopause. And a lot about her is changing. More so, the fact that it's ignorant and blase to attribute all of the changes to menopause. The fact of it is that in my 20s and living with my parents, like most Indian women, I get to witness something so peculiar, yet common that I can't do but talk about it.
It's not nearly as harrowing for me, as it is for my father I guess, who genuinely loves my mother (and is still quite attracted to her and vocal about it - *barf* + *embarrassed yet appreciative half smile*) to see my mother struggle with the changes menopause is subjecting her body to. She's doing things like eating like an anorexic bird and working out twice a day. But, obviously, there are somethings that'll happen to us, which are as sure as the sun rising in the east. So, he's started telling her how beautiful she is, which can I just say, my mother is gorgeous... she is hot and she is beautiful and kind, and playful and generous and she has a sense of humor that is to die for. You wish you were my mother! (Then you meet my brother, and you wish you weren't!) Anyway, they have been having date nights, three nights a week for, well forever, but now my dad surprises her. I take her out more, make her see that not only does she deserve fun and time off from what for a lot of women is the daily grind, a thankless job mired in relationality - the housewife (unpaid labor's more like it), but that the world deserves to see her.
That shops are still making ridiculously over priced cosmetics and clothes for women 'her age' (I hate that, since when did getting old become an issue in anyway other than it affecting your health?! Why pander to this inane, extremely stupid way of looking at people? ) And just show her how we enjoy the same things, that she can still wear skirts (she was weird about that for whatever reason...)
But, yes, that weird thing that I witness by virtue of getting to live with my parents, and being an Indian.... Let's dive back into that. You see, it's a lot more complicated than just being Indian. I come from an upper mid. class Bengali family. Now, Bengal, more than two centuries ago was the British Colonial Capitol of India... So, when the 'Renaissance' came to India, it landed at our doorstep first. In fact whilst it is said of the European Renaissance, that it was peculiar in that it happened just for the one sex - not the fairer one; in Bengal there was a renaissance for women. So, often there is a difference between how women are treated in most North Indian homes and Bengali homes. But, you have to remember and make broad allowances for the fact that I neither have the time nor the energy to elaborate on this very much, save for the fact that in my family for varied reasons, women are treated a whole hell of a lot better than some other places in India. Oppression in the moneyed classes is more sophisticated and subtle and it does not limit itself to a sex or gender. "Mind forged manacles," anyone?!
But, I am still Indian, and add to the fact the older dynamic between my parents where my mother used to be shy and reserved and my father the boisterous, loud one... Maa has always followed Baba's lead and he's been the shot caller. They've never had a clash about it, and it's not a dynamic that I'd want for myself, but it has worked for them. Baba's always treated her like a delicate object of this soft, tender sort of affection. Which why seeing them now is somewhat bizarre and I wonder if this is something other people notice too?
You see, whilst my father is just too full of machismo to be hen pecked, somewhere around year 20 of their marriage, something started shifting between them. Mom became, well more vocal, and dad fought it for a while. But, then he realised that fighting it made mom just re-work her skills and become a masterful artiste of passive aggressively effected manipulation, and my mom has been 'inception-ing' my dad for years. Poor guy doesn't have a clue, he thinks it's all been his idea! How deviously awesome is that?! Anyway, dad aw that her passive aggressiveness meant he wouldn't get to talk to her, which he hates. I think the best part of my father's day is when he comes in, bathes and then sits in front of the home theatre and plays cards with my mother over drinks. They both cheat like crazy... Anyway, so he's basically given in. But, maa get's more angry easily, has more say etc. But, I've seen that this 'power', I guess we could call it that, within the house comes at the cost of 25 yrs of having lived a certain way, learning the system in your in-law's home till it's time you become the (often, but not always) scary in-law.
It's just a thing that happens to Indian women. It's odd ans if you live in my house, it's funny-ish, but for a lot of women it isn't. But, this is all different now, somewhat at least... considering the fact that women's lib and education etc has only worked to set up greater freedom for women (and unfortunately and unavoidably - new problematics), it will probably be different for me. Now it's the working woman who also must keep the house; men aren't as yet quite as enlightened here to pitch in at home equally (which is not to say that these men do not exist... I'm sure the government is working on a prototype to replace the ones we have...) But, I just thought it interesting... My maa will never get to retire and she's climbed the domestic ladder (a ladder rarely acknowledged to be in existence, it's existence really depends on the culturally dominant family structure - which in moving in India towards the nuclear family, but trust us we meet our family way more than just on national holidays).
She get's to be this person because of age and wisdom and conformity to status-quo, but surprisingly, it is this conformity which also paves the way towards a new, more powerful role. I'm meant to be her student in training, constantly told to bend and compromise - culturally coded words that teach me to somewhat fear and give in when I shift into my new environment... my marital home... A lesson Indian men are never taught and will perhaps, never be taught. And, it just makes me wonder if the Aliens could please beam me up too?
Maa, wherever you are, I hope they get your tea right and your favorite news paper and channels. Try not to randomly clean their closets and lecture them on how to have a good marriage... Also, don't lose your specs as much and snoop around in their computers. No one, not even aliens or secret government facilities that want to slowly turn people into humanoid spies by using the all seeing eyes of the home-maker, appreciate that. Remember to take your medicine, and your ironic, borderline racist cliche jokes are not funny or easily misinterpreted. I know you'll be tempted to make them around aliens, but don't.
Hope they let you back soon. Dad can't find anything, and no one can finish his sentences for him... it is like watching a very intelligent man-chils cope with the perils of simple rituals of daily existence... The alien clone person hogs the remote and keeps whining about her weight...
Alright, now the truth of it all. My mother, bless her heart is going through menopause. And a lot about her is changing. More so, the fact that it's ignorant and blase to attribute all of the changes to menopause. The fact of it is that in my 20s and living with my parents, like most Indian women, I get to witness something so peculiar, yet common that I can't do but talk about it.
It's not nearly as harrowing for me, as it is for my father I guess, who genuinely loves my mother (and is still quite attracted to her and vocal about it - *barf* + *embarrassed yet appreciative half smile*) to see my mother struggle with the changes menopause is subjecting her body to. She's doing things like eating like an anorexic bird and working out twice a day. But, obviously, there are somethings that'll happen to us, which are as sure as the sun rising in the east. So, he's started telling her how beautiful she is, which can I just say, my mother is gorgeous... she is hot and she is beautiful and kind, and playful and generous and she has a sense of humor that is to die for. You wish you were my mother! (Then you meet my brother, and you wish you weren't!) Anyway, they have been having date nights, three nights a week for, well forever, but now my dad surprises her. I take her out more, make her see that not only does she deserve fun and time off from what for a lot of women is the daily grind, a thankless job mired in relationality - the housewife (unpaid labor's more like it), but that the world deserves to see her.
That shops are still making ridiculously over priced cosmetics and clothes for women 'her age' (I hate that, since when did getting old become an issue in anyway other than it affecting your health?! Why pander to this inane, extremely stupid way of looking at people? ) And just show her how we enjoy the same things, that she can still wear skirts (she was weird about that for whatever reason...)
But, yes, that weird thing that I witness by virtue of getting to live with my parents, and being an Indian.... Let's dive back into that. You see, it's a lot more complicated than just being Indian. I come from an upper mid. class Bengali family. Now, Bengal, more than two centuries ago was the British Colonial Capitol of India... So, when the 'Renaissance' came to India, it landed at our doorstep first. In fact whilst it is said of the European Renaissance, that it was peculiar in that it happened just for the one sex - not the fairer one; in Bengal there was a renaissance for women. So, often there is a difference between how women are treated in most North Indian homes and Bengali homes. But, you have to remember and make broad allowances for the fact that I neither have the time nor the energy to elaborate on this very much, save for the fact that in my family for varied reasons, women are treated a whole hell of a lot better than some other places in India. Oppression in the moneyed classes is more sophisticated and subtle and it does not limit itself to a sex or gender. "Mind forged manacles," anyone?!
But, I am still Indian, and add to the fact the older dynamic between my parents where my mother used to be shy and reserved and my father the boisterous, loud one... Maa has always followed Baba's lead and he's been the shot caller. They've never had a clash about it, and it's not a dynamic that I'd want for myself, but it has worked for them. Baba's always treated her like a delicate object of this soft, tender sort of affection. Which why seeing them now is somewhat bizarre and I wonder if this is something other people notice too?
You see, whilst my father is just too full of machismo to be hen pecked, somewhere around year 20 of their marriage, something started shifting between them. Mom became, well more vocal, and dad fought it for a while. But, then he realised that fighting it made mom just re-work her skills and become a masterful artiste of passive aggressively effected manipulation, and my mom has been 'inception-ing' my dad for years. Poor guy doesn't have a clue, he thinks it's all been his idea! How deviously awesome is that?! Anyway, dad aw that her passive aggressiveness meant he wouldn't get to talk to her, which he hates. I think the best part of my father's day is when he comes in, bathes and then sits in front of the home theatre and plays cards with my mother over drinks. They both cheat like crazy... Anyway, so he's basically given in. But, maa get's more angry easily, has more say etc. But, I've seen that this 'power', I guess we could call it that, within the house comes at the cost of 25 yrs of having lived a certain way, learning the system in your in-law's home till it's time you become the (often, but not always) scary in-law.
It's just a thing that happens to Indian women. It's odd ans if you live in my house, it's funny-ish, but for a lot of women it isn't. But, this is all different now, somewhat at least... considering the fact that women's lib and education etc has only worked to set up greater freedom for women (and unfortunately and unavoidably - new problematics), it will probably be different for me. Now it's the working woman who also must keep the house; men aren't as yet quite as enlightened here to pitch in at home equally (which is not to say that these men do not exist... I'm sure the government is working on a prototype to replace the ones we have...) But, I just thought it interesting... My maa will never get to retire and she's climbed the domestic ladder (a ladder rarely acknowledged to be in existence, it's existence really depends on the culturally dominant family structure - which in moving in India towards the nuclear family, but trust us we meet our family way more than just on national holidays).
She get's to be this person because of age and wisdom and conformity to status-quo, but surprisingly, it is this conformity which also paves the way towards a new, more powerful role. I'm meant to be her student in training, constantly told to bend and compromise - culturally coded words that teach me to somewhat fear and give in when I shift into my new environment... my marital home... A lesson Indian men are never taught and will perhaps, never be taught. And, it just makes me wonder if the Aliens could please beam me up too?