(no subject)
A level results come out tomorrow and I am absolutely terrified.
And because I'm so anxious about that, instead of me just focusing on it and blocking more trivial worries(/problems that only exist inside my own head, basically) out, as sometimes happens, my anxiety about everything else is heightened and I just feel really on edge and incapable of functioning like a normal human being.
I'm actually at work right now but - in case you didn't guess - barely getting anything done because, even though my job is super simple and I'm good at it, I just don't feel up to it at all (which makes me feel really guilty, but not enough to stop me from wasting time writing this entry, clearly). I've generally been full of anxiety lately; I'm not sure if that's just because of the stress of being away from home/having very little ~me time (though I generally speaking had a really lovely holiday, and no major breakdowns - thank god -, just a constant undercurrent of anxiety that made some days pretty difficult) and now the stress of exam results, but I do think I need to do something about this because I'm falling more and more into the trap of self medicating with alcohol, and while that's not a huge issue right now it could easily become one.
I am so so scared about these results, though. There's so much pressure and I so want to go to St Andrew's, and the more I think about the summer exams the less likely it seems that I will have done even relatively well. I went in with As so I know whatever happens I'll almost definitely have done well enough to get in SOMEWHERE, even if I have to go through clearing; I've just got overly invested in the idea of St Andrew's, really, and I feel like if I don't get into there I'll be letting myself and everyone else down. People - friends, family, even colleagues - are all so dismissive when I say I'm not confident about how I've done and just treating me getting in for granted...they see results as a formality, basically. It's going to be especially annoying if I've not done as well as I should because I worked SO FREAKIN' HARD for these exams, and I knew more than enough for most of the papers but time management always let me down because as always I planned to set aside time for that but never got around to it (because of...uh...poor time management. Ha.).
I think I should be okay if I could just spend the day doing mindless internet/tv things and comfort eating, but I'm super busy...I'm at work til 2 (only an hour and a half left, really need to end this entry soon), then meeting Anna to do GISHWHES things all day. I was thinking being busy would be the best thing for me, but thus far that's not proving to be the case. Hopefully it'll be better once I'm not so isolated/focused on something more interesting. Scared a pessimistic as I am, I'm past the point of wanting to bury my head in the sand about this; I just want to KNOW already. Today cannot go fast enough.
And because I'm so anxious about that, instead of me just focusing on it and blocking more trivial worries(/problems that only exist inside my own head, basically) out, as sometimes happens, my anxiety about everything else is heightened and I just feel really on edge and incapable of functioning like a normal human being.
I'm actually at work right now but - in case you didn't guess - barely getting anything done because, even though my job is super simple and I'm good at it, I just don't feel up to it at all (which makes me feel really guilty, but not enough to stop me from wasting time writing this entry, clearly). I've generally been full of anxiety lately; I'm not sure if that's just because of the stress of being away from home/having very little ~me time (though I generally speaking had a really lovely holiday, and no major breakdowns - thank god -, just a constant undercurrent of anxiety that made some days pretty difficult) and now the stress of exam results, but I do think I need to do something about this because I'm falling more and more into the trap of self medicating with alcohol, and while that's not a huge issue right now it could easily become one.
I am so so scared about these results, though. There's so much pressure and I so want to go to St Andrew's, and the more I think about the summer exams the less likely it seems that I will have done even relatively well. I went in with As so I know whatever happens I'll almost definitely have done well enough to get in SOMEWHERE, even if I have to go through clearing; I've just got overly invested in the idea of St Andrew's, really, and I feel like if I don't get into there I'll be letting myself and everyone else down. People - friends, family, even colleagues - are all so dismissive when I say I'm not confident about how I've done and just treating me getting in for granted...they see results as a formality, basically. It's going to be especially annoying if I've not done as well as I should because I worked SO FREAKIN' HARD for these exams, and I knew more than enough for most of the papers but time management always let me down because as always I planned to set aside time for that but never got around to it (because of...uh...poor time management. Ha.).
I think I should be okay if I could just spend the day doing mindless internet/tv things and comfort eating, but I'm super busy...I'm at work til 2 (only an hour and a half left, really need to end this entry soon), then meeting Anna to do GISHWHES things all day. I was thinking being busy would be the best thing for me, but thus far that's not proving to be the case. Hopefully it'll be better once I'm not so isolated/focused on something more interesting. Scared a pessimistic as I am, I'm past the point of wanting to bury my head in the sand about this; I just want to KNOW already. Today cannot go fast enough.