don't pretend to care...it would be wasted on me
god, i'm feeling horrible. Horribly unmotivated. I can't finish anything. Do you think it is better to not know what you want, or to know what you want but are either too scared to attempt it or do not know the means of which to achieve it? I am feeling like a sorry asshole right now. Things lay at my fingertips and I don't use them. It's always 'tomorrow' and 'later,' and soon there will be no time for that.
I am reading a new book right now. It's a reminder that I can still actually read, because I have barely skimmed through the necessary school reading. And then the hole gets deeper and deeper and here I am...indulging in a childhood rant. I am was beginning to think I had become illiterate.
I feel like my heart is ready to beat itself out of my chest, and I'll be lucky if I can salvage what's left. I am not yet tempted to relieve myself of all responsibility and jump off the golden gate bridge, but I guess you can say I am already somewhat drowning nonetheless.
And no it is not just school, cause if it was I would give you permission to slap me across the face this minute. I am not silly enough to give in to the notion that something as insignificant as being behind in some reading (to put it mildly) is a big catastrophe to both my world, and for that matter, yours. But, my world is exactly what I am having issues with. And to make that much more complicated, it has everything to do with my internal world rather than my outer (although it manifests in everything I do...best go straight to the source, ya know?). And who the fuck knows what goes on in there???
Right now, tucking myself firmly into my blankets, with hope of not seeing the light of day until maybe sometime next year, feels divine. But then, I have always been quite good at running away.
I am reading a new book right now. It's a reminder that I can still actually read, because I have barely skimmed through the necessary school reading. And then the hole gets deeper and deeper and here I am...indulging in a childhood rant. I am was beginning to think I had become illiterate.
I feel like my heart is ready to beat itself out of my chest, and I'll be lucky if I can salvage what's left. I am not yet tempted to relieve myself of all responsibility and jump off the golden gate bridge, but I guess you can say I am already somewhat drowning nonetheless.
And no it is not just school, cause if it was I would give you permission to slap me across the face this minute. I am not silly enough to give in to the notion that something as insignificant as being behind in some reading (to put it mildly) is a big catastrophe to both my world, and for that matter, yours. But, my world is exactly what I am having issues with. And to make that much more complicated, it has everything to do with my internal world rather than my outer (although it manifests in everything I do...best go straight to the source, ya know?). And who the fuck knows what goes on in there???
Right now, tucking myself firmly into my blankets, with hope of not seeing the light of day until maybe sometime next year, feels divine. But then, I have always been quite good at running away.