(no subject)
There is so much that is so wrong with me, and with the world....
It's overpeowering. It's not even worth saving, is it? If it's so determined to be so fucked. What difference does it make?
Why bother trying to turn myself into good person either> sometimes you make a mess and you have to throw it out.
My instinct is to break things, to hurt people.
My instinct is to break things and to hurt people.
My instinct is to shatter glass and break people.
As long as I hurt something that isn't anyone or anything else, it's okay. but the only thing that isn't everything else is me.
And that's nobody's business. Nobody's but mine.
Mattye. Mattye would know what to do. I miss her. Imiss her so much it hurts. Sometimes even the text message noise on my cell phone makes me think of those messages in the hospital room, of her trying to fit her fury and pain into those pixels. I don't know what to do without her. I feel so homeless.
Homeless would be okay with Mattye too.
"The only person you ever really have is you." But now, now no matter who I have, I don't have anyone and it's all me. She always felt like that too.
She also thought that the only one you needed was yourself. I'm afraid that if this keeps going that will be true. And if you don't need it, you have to make an effort to get it. And I won't, I know I won't. I will never regrow these roots, these tendernesses I have lost.
Oh, and I don't want to leave the shining star of my life here. It's a weight I can't shake, ever, how much I want her with me.
There is nothing I want from this world. I do not want more llove that will end in more heartbreak and I do not want a college life that can only be shaky and frightening and likely as not, more dissappointing than anything yet. I don't want a job and a house and the guilt and fear that comes with it following that. I don't want to eat delicious foods and have it spoiled by weight gain, I don't want to eat ice and know it is ruining my teeth, I don't want to leave people behind and spend my whole life in rememberance. There are no good options and I am tired of this.
How will she ever come back for me if I'm not here?
It's overpeowering. It's not even worth saving, is it? If it's so determined to be so fucked. What difference does it make?
Why bother trying to turn myself into good person either> sometimes you make a mess and you have to throw it out.
My instinct is to break things, to hurt people.
My instinct is to break things and to hurt people.
My instinct is to shatter glass and break people.
As long as I hurt something that isn't anyone or anything else, it's okay. but the only thing that isn't everything else is me.
And that's nobody's business. Nobody's but mine.
Mattye. Mattye would know what to do. I miss her. Imiss her so much it hurts. Sometimes even the text message noise on my cell phone makes me think of those messages in the hospital room, of her trying to fit her fury and pain into those pixels. I don't know what to do without her. I feel so homeless.
Homeless would be okay with Mattye too.
"The only person you ever really have is you." But now, now no matter who I have, I don't have anyone and it's all me. She always felt like that too.
She also thought that the only one you needed was yourself. I'm afraid that if this keeps going that will be true. And if you don't need it, you have to make an effort to get it. And I won't, I know I won't. I will never regrow these roots, these tendernesses I have lost.
Oh, and I don't want to leave the shining star of my life here. It's a weight I can't shake, ever, how much I want her with me.
There is nothing I want from this world. I do not want more llove that will end in more heartbreak and I do not want a college life that can only be shaky and frightening and likely as not, more dissappointing than anything yet. I don't want a job and a house and the guilt and fear that comes with it following that. I don't want to eat delicious foods and have it spoiled by weight gain, I don't want to eat ice and know it is ruining my teeth, I don't want to leave people behind and spend my whole life in rememberance. There are no good options and I am tired of this.
How will she ever come back for me if I'm not here?