this is me writing something
I'm going to try not to complain.
Brandon got his moog voyager today, it is pretty the empty box is in my room making strange noises. For my anniversary valentine's day I ordered a dress form and metalocalypse and season 2 of rescue me. last week over all was like a major sugar overdose this week so far seems to be the crash out. just kind of an over all melancholy feel to everything. I will be at de/vision tonight, I'm going to try to be in a great mood. I need another nap. so here is the breakdown of things that have been going on
last tuesday karaoke was great, I went to Wal-Mart after and was going to buy brandon something small for our anniversary, I decided against it because I knew I wouldn't be getting anything. I saw a unicorn that reminded me of someone so I got that for her instead. I like walking around wal-mart late at night, I'm really not sure why. Wednesday the big 10 years i worked, then we went to dinner at the cheese cake factory, it is over priced and I make better cheesecake, the storm was dumb, renee was sweet enough to brave it anyway and come sleep over at my house to watch my kids. We went to the club brandon got to Dj a set after the club was closed, it made him happy. Brandon invited Ashe over to have a nerf shootout in the basement. Renee woke up and played too, it was great. I miss spending time with renee. Brandon had all week off and it has seriously screwed up my sleep schedule.
I've been having occasional moments of soul searching but then I stop. I need to remind myself that I am not the same person I was 10 years ago or even 5 years ago, that my history is my history and even though I tell myself I am not afraid and I know I can get over anything, I am afraid. very very afraid, mostly of hurting other people, but at the same time reminding myself that I am not the same that I can make things work or not work as I go along is kind of exciting, but the fear keeps holding me back. maybe that is good, I know I am rambling, don't read if you don't want. Every moment that passes when I am happy fills me with joy but I am always afraid that when it is over it will never happen again, of course it can never happen again not like that moment and it makes me sad and afraid to let go, that is why I don't ever want to come home. Why I always want to sleep. It reminds me of the movie Nadja "Life is full of pain. But I am not afraid. The pain I feel is the pain of fleeting joy." I am not the way i was the people I have in my life are not the way they were and are not the people who where here before maybe I'll really really stop holding back, open myself up and take the chance but which chance should I take?
Brandon got his moog voyager today, it is pretty the empty box is in my room making strange noises. For my anniversary valentine's day I ordered a dress form and metalocalypse and season 2 of rescue me. last week over all was like a major sugar overdose this week so far seems to be the crash out. just kind of an over all melancholy feel to everything. I will be at de/vision tonight, I'm going to try to be in a great mood. I need another nap. so here is the breakdown of things that have been going on
last tuesday karaoke was great, I went to Wal-Mart after and was going to buy brandon something small for our anniversary, I decided against it because I knew I wouldn't be getting anything. I saw a unicorn that reminded me of someone so I got that for her instead. I like walking around wal-mart late at night, I'm really not sure why. Wednesday the big 10 years i worked, then we went to dinner at the cheese cake factory, it is over priced and I make better cheesecake, the storm was dumb, renee was sweet enough to brave it anyway and come sleep over at my house to watch my kids. We went to the club brandon got to Dj a set after the club was closed, it made him happy. Brandon invited Ashe over to have a nerf shootout in the basement. Renee woke up and played too, it was great. I miss spending time with renee. Brandon had all week off and it has seriously screwed up my sleep schedule.
I've been having occasional moments of soul searching but then I stop. I need to remind myself that I am not the same person I was 10 years ago or even 5 years ago, that my history is my history and even though I tell myself I am not afraid and I know I can get over anything, I am afraid. very very afraid, mostly of hurting other people, but at the same time reminding myself that I am not the same that I can make things work or not work as I go along is kind of exciting, but the fear keeps holding me back. maybe that is good, I know I am rambling, don't read if you don't want. Every moment that passes when I am happy fills me with joy but I am always afraid that when it is over it will never happen again, of course it can never happen again not like that moment and it makes me sad and afraid to let go, that is why I don't ever want to come home. Why I always want to sleep. It reminds me of the movie Nadja "Life is full of pain. But I am not afraid. The pain I feel is the pain of fleeting joy." I am not the way i was the people I have in my life are not the way they were and are not the people who where here before maybe I'll really really stop holding back, open myself up and take the chance but which chance should I take?