Fresh start chapter 1
Series: Fresh start
Chapter: 1
Written by: Parishs
Rating: pg
Summary: Reid is a neuro surgeon in Dallas with a burn out who tries to figure out what life is really about (Reid's POV).
Disclaimer: I own nothing
Warning: English is not my native language, no beta so all mistakes are mine.
A/N: I have no idea if there are people left in this universe but I still like to write about them and read Lure stories. Thanks so much for taking the time to read mine! This story gives an insight in Reid's life and that of a few Snyders. It's a story about the need to start over and getting your priorities straight. Totally AU.
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While I drove my car carefully through the small village I looked in the rear-view mirror to see how the trailer was doing. The road here was bumpy which would make my horse Charlotte agitated. She didnt like to stay in the trailer, I hardly could get her in there but she had to this time, I wanted her close to me now I had finally found a new home where I hoped to stay for a long time.
My house....it was everything I had ever dreamed about when I was young, and everything I craved for when I was busy making a career in Dallas. The penthouse where I had been living in had been comfortable but it was a flat, with neighbours and noises and smells I didnt want to smell, I wanted to be free to live the life I wanted, far away from nosy colleagues.
And slowly I found myself snooping around on the internet when I had a night shift, looking for a farm with land, not too much but enough to give my horse and myself a good life. I started the search around Dallas but dreaming about something new I got off-track soon. Did I want to stay in Dallas? What kept me there? What did I need in this part in my life?
The house-searching was the start of a very confusing time. When I tried to look back at what I had achieved I only saw opportunities I had missed and patients that had died unexpectedly. What did I do with my talent? Because one thing was evident: I had a rare talent that lead to a the fact that I was a world class neuro surgeon at the age of 30. It was not something I was proud of, it felt like a burden, I had to help all these desperate people because I was the one who could help them.
And I had worked my ass off, I was at the hospital 24/7 for years, comforting people and their families, operating on tumors as good as I could to give the patients months or years they wouldnt have had otherwise. And in the meantime I teached my interns the ropes, trying to make them a clone of me. Looking back I did that to make myself invisible and replaceable, hoping to start a life for myself sometime, hoping to be able to withdraw myself from the endless stream of patients without feeling guilty.
It took me months to get my act together again, and I dont know if I would have gotten this far if I hadn't gone to a therapist a colleague recommended me.
"Come on Reid, don't be such a drama queen, a therapist is not the end of the world, it doesn't mean you are nuts, it just means that you are man enough to admit that you need help".
"You think I am not man enough because I am gay?", I snapped.
"Jesus Reid, what the hell? My own brother is gay and married, you know I don't care who you fuck, I just feel that you are not yourself lately. You are bitchy and that frown man, youĺl need some botox soon if you keep wearing that. You used to be such a nice warm fussy guy".
I smirked. I knew he was teasing me because I wasn't that, never had been, but I knew he was right, I was snappy and agitated. I was not myself, I couldn 't even remember who I had been before. Was this a very early midlife crisis? A burn out? Libido screaming?
"Maybe it's just that Rob, I didn't have sex in years, I only work and sleep. Give me the address of the therapist and I will think about it. Maybe I need to have a talk with him first and then decide if that is what I need. But to open up to someone I don't know...I dont know if that's going to work".
"You dont have to go though your whole childhood Reid if that's what you are thinking, he just helps you to thinks straight, to re-order your priorities, he asks simple questions abotu what you like to do and why you don't do what you like. It's hard work Reid, don't underestimate how it turns your life upside down, but it makes that you get a clue of what you want. You have worked so hard that it's time to find out what you need, not your patients".
"But I am not able to let them down", I said and sighed.
"There will always be more patients than time Reid", Rob said. "You need to start a life with things that important to you. You can't maintain a lifestyle like this, you need a place where you can be yourself and do what you like. Start a hobby. Make friends. Do whatever you makes you happy".
"It's so sad that I have no idea what I want", I said.
"That's where the therapist comes in handy", he said.
That was the best advice someone had ever given me. The therapist was exactly the man I needed, he talked to me as if I was a grown up man instead of a patient and he challenged me to think outside the box about what I really needed. We had a click so strong that at one point he asked me to grab a cup of coffee with him outside his office.
We walked to his favorite cafe and ordered a double espresso. It was a bit weird to see him as a friend instead of my therapist but it was nice, I could ask him about his life for once and he told me things that confused me. Like that he wanted to end our sessions because he thought I knew what I wanted.
I wanted to object but before I started to speak I thought about his words. Maybe he was right, the last few weeks I had painted a picture on a blank piece of paper, adding details to it every week until I liked it, until it was mine. But I had started to like our conversations, and Peter my therapist. He could see right through me, he felt it when I cheated and didnt tell him what I really wanted, when I gave him social desirable answers. He kept on pushing me until I said what I needed.
"Maybe you are right Peter", I said. "But I am going to miss you, you make my lfe so easy and ready to eat. You have an answer to every problem that I come up with.
He nodded. "That's exactly why I want to terminate our sessions Reid", he said. "I am falling for you and I don't want that, I have a boyfriend who I love deeply, but you awake feelings in me I can't ignore anymore, so I have to ask you to stop seeing me. We both know you are going to move so I can't start something with you even if I wanted to. I don't want to jeopardize my relationship because I dream about you at night. I need to focus on my boyfriend and realize that what we have is enough. Do you understand? I don't want to pressure you at all to change your vision, you need to start your life Reid and I am not going to be part of that".
I caressed his hand and looked at him. "Thank you for being honest Peter", I said. "I have felt it too, the way we are sucked to each other. You made that my libido has awakened and I realize what I miss, I want a man next to me who thinks that I am worth coming home for, a man who's eyes light up when I enter the room. In a way I am glad that it's not going to be you and you know why don't you? I need to spread my wings and accept the parttime job in Chicago that we have talked about, I am going to start a new life. It's exciting and scary at the same time. The first step is buying a horse right now".
He caressed my hand with his thump. "I am going to miss you too Reid", he sai softly. "You have no idea how much I was looking forward to our meeting every week. It was hard for me to keep a professional attitude while all I wanted was to take you in my arms and kiss you".
"We are good right? No regrets from your side? I felt the attraction as well Peter but ...us....it's the wrong time and place for us, you have to stay here and do your wonderful job, and love your boyfriend. I have to concor the world as if I have a clue about what I want. I am going to start this adventure and see where it ends, it's so not my style but I have to break free from my routine".
So here I was, starting my new life, with my horse on my way to my new home. If only I was as confident as I was when I drank my coffeee with Peter. It was scary to do this, in a place where I didnt know anyone. I wanted to turn the car and go back to the life I knew but I didn't. I drove to the farm where my horse would stay until my house was renovated.
NEXT CHAPTER
Chapter: 1
Written by: Parishs
Rating: pg
Summary: Reid is a neuro surgeon in Dallas with a burn out who tries to figure out what life is really about (Reid's POV).
Disclaimer: I own nothing
Warning: English is not my native language, no beta so all mistakes are mine.
A/N: I have no idea if there are people left in this universe but I still like to write about them and read Lure stories. Thanks so much for taking the time to read mine! This story gives an insight in Reid's life and that of a few Snyders. It's a story about the need to start over and getting your priorities straight. Totally AU.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
While I drove my car carefully through the small village I looked in the rear-view mirror to see how the trailer was doing. The road here was bumpy which would make my horse Charlotte agitated. She didnt like to stay in the trailer, I hardly could get her in there but she had to this time, I wanted her close to me now I had finally found a new home where I hoped to stay for a long time.
My house....it was everything I had ever dreamed about when I was young, and everything I craved for when I was busy making a career in Dallas. The penthouse where I had been living in had been comfortable but it was a flat, with neighbours and noises and smells I didnt want to smell, I wanted to be free to live the life I wanted, far away from nosy colleagues.
And slowly I found myself snooping around on the internet when I had a night shift, looking for a farm with land, not too much but enough to give my horse and myself a good life. I started the search around Dallas but dreaming about something new I got off-track soon. Did I want to stay in Dallas? What kept me there? What did I need in this part in my life?
The house-searching was the start of a very confusing time. When I tried to look back at what I had achieved I only saw opportunities I had missed and patients that had died unexpectedly. What did I do with my talent? Because one thing was evident: I had a rare talent that lead to a the fact that I was a world class neuro surgeon at the age of 30. It was not something I was proud of, it felt like a burden, I had to help all these desperate people because I was the one who could help them.
And I had worked my ass off, I was at the hospital 24/7 for years, comforting people and their families, operating on tumors as good as I could to give the patients months or years they wouldnt have had otherwise. And in the meantime I teached my interns the ropes, trying to make them a clone of me. Looking back I did that to make myself invisible and replaceable, hoping to start a life for myself sometime, hoping to be able to withdraw myself from the endless stream of patients without feeling guilty.
It took me months to get my act together again, and I dont know if I would have gotten this far if I hadn't gone to a therapist a colleague recommended me.
"Come on Reid, don't be such a drama queen, a therapist is not the end of the world, it doesn't mean you are nuts, it just means that you are man enough to admit that you need help".
"You think I am not man enough because I am gay?", I snapped.
"Jesus Reid, what the hell? My own brother is gay and married, you know I don't care who you fuck, I just feel that you are not yourself lately. You are bitchy and that frown man, youĺl need some botox soon if you keep wearing that. You used to be such a nice warm fussy guy".
I smirked. I knew he was teasing me because I wasn't that, never had been, but I knew he was right, I was snappy and agitated. I was not myself, I couldn 't even remember who I had been before. Was this a very early midlife crisis? A burn out? Libido screaming?
"Maybe it's just that Rob, I didn't have sex in years, I only work and sleep. Give me the address of the therapist and I will think about it. Maybe I need to have a talk with him first and then decide if that is what I need. But to open up to someone I don't know...I dont know if that's going to work".
"You dont have to go though your whole childhood Reid if that's what you are thinking, he just helps you to thinks straight, to re-order your priorities, he asks simple questions abotu what you like to do and why you don't do what you like. It's hard work Reid, don't underestimate how it turns your life upside down, but it makes that you get a clue of what you want. You have worked so hard that it's time to find out what you need, not your patients".
"But I am not able to let them down", I said and sighed.
"There will always be more patients than time Reid", Rob said. "You need to start a life with things that important to you. You can't maintain a lifestyle like this, you need a place where you can be yourself and do what you like. Start a hobby. Make friends. Do whatever you makes you happy".
"It's so sad that I have no idea what I want", I said.
"That's where the therapist comes in handy", he said.
That was the best advice someone had ever given me. The therapist was exactly the man I needed, he talked to me as if I was a grown up man instead of a patient and he challenged me to think outside the box about what I really needed. We had a click so strong that at one point he asked me to grab a cup of coffee with him outside his office.
We walked to his favorite cafe and ordered a double espresso. It was a bit weird to see him as a friend instead of my therapist but it was nice, I could ask him about his life for once and he told me things that confused me. Like that he wanted to end our sessions because he thought I knew what I wanted.
I wanted to object but before I started to speak I thought about his words. Maybe he was right, the last few weeks I had painted a picture on a blank piece of paper, adding details to it every week until I liked it, until it was mine. But I had started to like our conversations, and Peter my therapist. He could see right through me, he felt it when I cheated and didnt tell him what I really wanted, when I gave him social desirable answers. He kept on pushing me until I said what I needed.
"Maybe you are right Peter", I said. "But I am going to miss you, you make my lfe so easy and ready to eat. You have an answer to every problem that I come up with.
He nodded. "That's exactly why I want to terminate our sessions Reid", he said. "I am falling for you and I don't want that, I have a boyfriend who I love deeply, but you awake feelings in me I can't ignore anymore, so I have to ask you to stop seeing me. We both know you are going to move so I can't start something with you even if I wanted to. I don't want to jeopardize my relationship because I dream about you at night. I need to focus on my boyfriend and realize that what we have is enough. Do you understand? I don't want to pressure you at all to change your vision, you need to start your life Reid and I am not going to be part of that".
I caressed his hand and looked at him. "Thank you for being honest Peter", I said. "I have felt it too, the way we are sucked to each other. You made that my libido has awakened and I realize what I miss, I want a man next to me who thinks that I am worth coming home for, a man who's eyes light up when I enter the room. In a way I am glad that it's not going to be you and you know why don't you? I need to spread my wings and accept the parttime job in Chicago that we have talked about, I am going to start a new life. It's exciting and scary at the same time. The first step is buying a horse right now".
He caressed my hand with his thump. "I am going to miss you too Reid", he sai softly. "You have no idea how much I was looking forward to our meeting every week. It was hard for me to keep a professional attitude while all I wanted was to take you in my arms and kiss you".
"We are good right? No regrets from your side? I felt the attraction as well Peter but ...us....it's the wrong time and place for us, you have to stay here and do your wonderful job, and love your boyfriend. I have to concor the world as if I have a clue about what I want. I am going to start this adventure and see where it ends, it's so not my style but I have to break free from my routine".
So here I was, starting my new life, with my horse on my way to my new home. If only I was as confident as I was when I drank my coffeee with Peter. It was scary to do this, in a place where I didnt know anyone. I wanted to turn the car and go back to the life I knew but I didn't. I drove to the farm where my horse would stay until my house was renovated.
NEXT CHAPTER