(no subject)
well, the day started off shitty. i was completely exhausted from another nights worth of bullshit constant texting and calling of everyone. Brian called me but I was half asleep so I didn't answer the phone. Went to work from 830 to 5, half way throug my mom called me at work crying saying the van broke down on her. It's going to cost us a lot of money to have it fixed. whatever, my mom said when i et a car and we can sell the pos she will give me my money back, so thats cool. I treated everybody to friendly's tonight even though i didn't have the extra money but everyone was down today so i figured why not. kiely was hilarious. she wouldn't eat anything other than my potatoes. we then got our ice creams after and the idiot waitress had the nerve to bring out my moms and sisters sundaes first.. so kiely cried and wouldn't eat anybody elses cus she wanted her own. who would do that? she had to wait ten mins to get hers. she was crying and crying. so yeah i didn't tip cus she didn't give me all my change back and i left "word of advice... ALWAYS give a child their ice cream FIRST" on the reciept. eh, whatever. then we went to the playground in exeter. fun, we came home and I gave kiely a bath and now she is asleep up in my room. tomorrow i have off and am going to spend the whole day with her. friday is a party at my aunts... i was hoping that i was going to be hanging out with someone but they informed me they would be too tired to come pick me up that night and we should make it saturday when he is having a bunch of people over to drink. no thank you!!! Why would I want to hang out with a bunch of people rinking when I am trying to stay away from it so that I don't use it as a fall back. I thought he would know that and have listened when i have said that before. why give me easy access to it? do you like to see me hang on your every move when you don't care? you do just enough to keep me hanging there but not enough that you would want to be with me. guess i am just a burden on your back. not to mention i would probably just get pissy like i always seem to do. Why would I want to hang out with a guy and a friend of his that all i have heard is he he might have done this with her, he could have done this.. one touch of eachother i would be done and ready to leave, thats not fair to anyone and i am tired of putting myself into positions loike that with a smile on my face and ending up the only one hurt. fucking do whatever you want.. if you wanted me here badly enough you would have told me but you didn't. you put up no argument and said fine. so whats it bother you right? but make sure everyone else can come and don't forget Her. whatever, who cares. I'm just the fall back friend. if anybody gets bored and has no plans hey give me a call, but only if you have ABSOLUTELY nothing to do, cus all other plans take priority. the more time goes on and the more i try and fail the more i realize that it's not what i want. although that is easier said then done right? I know what I want I just have to find it. I feel like smoking a full pack of cigarettes right now. Crying is for fucking little bitches. I refuse to be one. besides ia m the one who always gets my hopes up. i am constantly told i am just a friend and yet i am the one who is like eh keep trying he doesn't mean it. if he did why wouldn't he just let you go... thats the thing, we are just friends and as much as i would like it to change it won't. and i have to forget about the past and stop living in it. today is yesterdays truth but tomorrows lie. nothing is ever the same two days in a row. i have one guy trying way too hard and one guy not trying at all. go figure i go for the one not trying. why does it always come back to this. i know the truth but i am too fucking stupid stubborn and blind to believe it. I sit there and think well if i meant something to him at one time then it doesn't just go away, but it does when that person apparently forced himself into being more than friends when thats all he wanted.. it never was MORE. only or me. i am tired of being the emotional one. the one who opens up, the one who gets shut out, the one who never holds back. fuck that, the only thing that comes out of that is yet another slap in the face... this time i am done. i don't feel, i don't open up i don't talk... fuck all of you who have screwed me over. i am tired of hurting i am tired of you and its done over with and out the door. TIME TO MOVE THE FUCK ON STARTING NOW... YOU ARE ALL OUT OF MY LIFE. BRING ON THE NEW AND THE FUN!!!