And I Must Spork: Maradonia, Part XIV
You can feel it. The shiver up your spine. The chill on your arms. The hair sticking up on the back of your neck.
But before you can escape, you hear the whisper, and it contains all that is evil and foul in this world.
Maradonia...
Yep. I'm back. Deal with it.
CHAPTER FOURTY FOUR - THE VISION IN MID-AIR
Look who's FABULOUS~! \~/ Seriously, that;s what I think when I see that picture. Moving on...
So after King Astro 'blessed the assembly' (please, hit me a bit harder with the Jesus references), they all looked to the sky and saw a messenger. In mid air.
Wow, I totally didn't see that coming. At all.
Said messenger spreads his swords over everyone, and everyone bows to him... and then he vanishes. A messenger that doesn't deliver a message? WTF? Oh wait, apparently King Astro got something psychically or something.
"We have found favor in the eyes of King Ruach and he has sent us a messenger, to let us know that war has started between the powers of light and the powers of darkness and that he will be on out side!"
Sigh. \~/ Your abuse of italics brings me to tears, GTesch. TEARS. Besides, if I remember right, King Ruach is from the kingdom of light, verdad? I'd be raising some eyebrows if he WASN'T on the side of good.
Well, what counts for good in this story.
So the story they made earlier spreads throughout the land. How it happens so fast, I have no idea. And apparently, a Mary Sue and a Gary Stu are just what the country of Maradonia needed. Go figure!
A 'hysteria' broke out, especially under the young children and women who ran out of their houses to the streets and to the market places and screamed for hour, "Long live Maya and Joey, 'The Encouragers'!"
The boys yelled "Maya!" The girls screamed "Joey!"
\~/\~/\~/ Why am I not surprised? Of course our intrepid duo must be fawned over by members of the opposite sex, because since they apparently live in an Amish family, they can't experience the love of a boyfriend or girlfriend or daddy gets mad.
And of course, all the menfolk want to join the army now that they know Maya and Joey have arrived, and the registration numbers get over whelming, blah blah blah. For a 'WAR IS BEGINNING' chapter, it's boring as fuck.
Drinks this chapter: 5
CHAPTER FOURTY FIVE - ROUGANDA COMPLETELY DESTROYED
Yaaaaay. O wait that's supposed to be bad. Drink anyway! \~/
So, General Generic leads out heroes and their riders down the the river. Loooots of description about the rivers. It's all boring though. Nothing worth picking out so far. STOP BORING ME, MARADONIA.
But soon, they come across a destroyed village!
Maya and Joey asked General Genarius, "What happened here? Why is this place deserted and why are the houses burned down?"
Okay, I know these two are supposed to be 14 and 13, but even *I* could figure out what was going on. Evil Empire, came to take the village, they probably resisted, blah blah blah. \~/
Yep, I was right! When Maya expresses dismay for the children (you're a child yourself, for fuck's sake), the General replies that most of the kids were at the river getting fish and were therefore saved. Yay, I guess, but still. WE GET IT. THE EMPIRE IS EVIL. Stop embellishing and do something about it, sheesh.
General continues to describe just how diabolical their enemy is, what with their organization and attacking in groups and such. But why do they always act in groups, asks Joey?
"Joey, you should know better! You crossed with your sister Maya the seven bridges of temptations successfully. You should know that 'The powers of evil believe in teamwork'!"
... What. \~/\~/\~/ WHAT THE HELL THAT LINE? Seriously Gtesch, WHERE DO YOU PULL THESE FROM? I don't even know anymorrrrre!
So then we get the name of the valley and village and Maya says it's a wasteland. NO SHIT. \~/
Siiiigh. End chapter.
Drinks this chapter: 6
CHAPTER FOURTY SIX - THE POOL OF BLOOD
Wait... didn't we already visit the pool of blood? I HAVE A CONFUSE.
So, blindfolds go on everyone except Maya and Joey, because they are the Sues of our story. Naturally. \~/ After more boring, un-inventive descriptions of the mountain path, we get this gem.
The surface of that lake looked like frozen red glass.
So the pool of blood is frozen? Dude, that's not even how blood works. FAIL. \~/\~/
So then Maya asks if their unicorns, horses, and dog can take a dip and the general says yes, and that it's a brilliant idea. I say only because everyone in this book is a complete idiot. Which gets me thinking: if this all turns out to be a 'just a dream'/imagination ending, that means the hidden intelligence in Maya and/or Joey is trying to escape somehow.
IDK. I am drunk on tea. \~/
Maya, thoughts on the blood pool?
"This liquid is definitely different than the water we're used to. When you jump into the fluid of this pool, you sink weightless down. Weightlessness is such a wonderful feeling! To sink down, touch the bottom of the lake and then push yourself again with the feet up from the bottom is an absolutely wonderful experience. You bounce and come slowly back to the surface. It feels great."
... No. I can't NO big enough for this. That is not blood. That is a lake of Jello. It has to be; it's the only way my brain can handle and process the stupidity of this. \~/\~/\~/
So, the next couple pages are about sudden unease the general feels as thunderclouds approach. Everyone is standing and trying to dry, but it doesn't dry fast, oh noes! Again, not how blood works. Well, I guess if there's copious amounts of it, then yeah, maybe that's not too far off. I am imagining they all look like something out of Suicide Club or Battle Royale.
Soooo we get another page or two of nervousness till everyone dries off. Okay, so does the blood like, not protect you until it's dry or something? But even then, if it does dry, and you're still there, what would it matter? You're INVINCIBLE. I'd just be like "COME AT ME BRO." \~/ Fact.
So, after they all leave the pool/lake/Jello bowl, the thunder dies down and all is well. Sigh. Chapter ends there, as does this spork.
Drinks this chapter: 8
Drinks this installment: 19
Total drinks this spork: 294
So there you have it. It's been a few months, but the fail is the same. I'll see you guys again soon, and mind the fail!
But before you can escape, you hear the whisper, and it contains all that is evil and foul in this world.
Maradonia...
Yep. I'm back. Deal with it.
CHAPTER FOURTY FOUR - THE VISION IN MID-AIR
Look who's FABULOUS~! \~/ Seriously, that;s what I think when I see that picture. Moving on...
So after King Astro 'blessed the assembly' (please, hit me a bit harder with the Jesus references), they all looked to the sky and saw a messenger. In mid air.
Wow, I totally didn't see that coming. At all.
Said messenger spreads his swords over everyone, and everyone bows to him... and then he vanishes. A messenger that doesn't deliver a message? WTF? Oh wait, apparently King Astro got something psychically or something.
"We have found favor in the eyes of King Ruach and he has sent us a messenger, to let us know that war has started between the powers of light and the powers of darkness and that he will be on out side!"
Sigh. \~/ Your abuse of italics brings me to tears, GTesch. TEARS. Besides, if I remember right, King Ruach is from the kingdom of light, verdad? I'd be raising some eyebrows if he WASN'T on the side of good.
Well, what counts for good in this story.
So the story they made earlier spreads throughout the land. How it happens so fast, I have no idea. And apparently, a Mary Sue and a Gary Stu are just what the country of Maradonia needed. Go figure!
A 'hysteria' broke out, especially under the young children and women who ran out of their houses to the streets and to the market places and screamed for hour, "Long live Maya and Joey, 'The Encouragers'!"
The boys yelled "Maya!" The girls screamed "Joey!"
\~/\~/\~/ Why am I not surprised? Of course our intrepid duo must be fawned over by members of the opposite sex, because since they apparently live in an Amish family, they can't experience the love of a boyfriend or girlfriend or daddy gets mad.
And of course, all the menfolk want to join the army now that they know Maya and Joey have arrived, and the registration numbers get over whelming, blah blah blah. For a 'WAR IS BEGINNING' chapter, it's boring as fuck.
Drinks this chapter: 5
CHAPTER FOURTY FIVE - ROUGANDA COMPLETELY DESTROYED
Yaaaaay. O wait that's supposed to be bad. Drink anyway! \~/
So, General Generic leads out heroes and their riders down the the river. Loooots of description about the rivers. It's all boring though. Nothing worth picking out so far. STOP BORING ME, MARADONIA.
But soon, they come across a destroyed village!
Maya and Joey asked General Genarius, "What happened here? Why is this place deserted and why are the houses burned down?"
Okay, I know these two are supposed to be 14 and 13, but even *I* could figure out what was going on. Evil Empire, came to take the village, they probably resisted, blah blah blah. \~/
Yep, I was right! When Maya expresses dismay for the children (you're a child yourself, for fuck's sake), the General replies that most of the kids were at the river getting fish and were therefore saved. Yay, I guess, but still. WE GET IT. THE EMPIRE IS EVIL. Stop embellishing and do something about it, sheesh.
General continues to describe just how diabolical their enemy is, what with their organization and attacking in groups and such. But why do they always act in groups, asks Joey?
"Joey, you should know better! You crossed with your sister Maya the seven bridges of temptations successfully. You should know that 'The powers of evil believe in teamwork'!"
... What. \~/\~/\~/ WHAT THE HELL THAT LINE? Seriously Gtesch, WHERE DO YOU PULL THESE FROM? I don't even know anymorrrrre!
So then we get the name of the valley and village and Maya says it's a wasteland. NO SHIT. \~/
Siiiigh. End chapter.
Drinks this chapter: 6
CHAPTER FOURTY SIX - THE POOL OF BLOOD
Wait... didn't we already visit the pool of blood? I HAVE A CONFUSE.
So, blindfolds go on everyone except Maya and Joey, because they are the Sues of our story. Naturally. \~/ After more boring, un-inventive descriptions of the mountain path, we get this gem.
The surface of that lake looked like frozen red glass.
So the pool of blood is frozen? Dude, that's not even how blood works. FAIL. \~/\~/
So then Maya asks if their unicorns, horses, and dog can take a dip and the general says yes, and that it's a brilliant idea. I say only because everyone in this book is a complete idiot. Which gets me thinking: if this all turns out to be a 'just a dream'/imagination ending, that means the hidden intelligence in Maya and/or Joey is trying to escape somehow.
IDK. I am drunk on tea. \~/
Maya, thoughts on the blood pool?
"This liquid is definitely different than the water we're used to. When you jump into the fluid of this pool, you sink weightless down. Weightlessness is such a wonderful feeling! To sink down, touch the bottom of the lake and then push yourself again with the feet up from the bottom is an absolutely wonderful experience. You bounce and come slowly back to the surface. It feels great."
... No. I can't NO big enough for this. That is not blood. That is a lake of Jello. It has to be; it's the only way my brain can handle and process the stupidity of this. \~/\~/\~/
So, the next couple pages are about sudden unease the general feels as thunderclouds approach. Everyone is standing and trying to dry, but it doesn't dry fast, oh noes! Again, not how blood works. Well, I guess if there's copious amounts of it, then yeah, maybe that's not too far off. I am imagining they all look like something out of Suicide Club or Battle Royale.
Soooo we get another page or two of nervousness till everyone dries off. Okay, so does the blood like, not protect you until it's dry or something? But even then, if it does dry, and you're still there, what would it matter? You're INVINCIBLE. I'd just be like "COME AT ME BRO." \~/ Fact.
So, after they all leave the pool/lake/Jello bowl, the thunder dies down and all is well. Sigh. Chapter ends there, as does this spork.
Drinks this chapter: 8
Drinks this installment: 19
Total drinks this spork: 294
So there you have it. It's been a few months, but the fail is the same. I'll see you guys again soon, and mind the fail!