And I Must Spork: Maradonia, Part XIII
Here we are, lucky 13. Let's kick this pig.
CHAPTER THIRTY NINE - KING ASTRODOULOS
Okay, absorb this picture a moment. King Astroturf, the good King of Maradonia, he who is said to be freaking amazing... Sitting on a stone bench. :T \~/
The Iron Throne is far more impressive.
Also, as my friend Dagger and I would say... Spaaaaaace Jesus~ Space Mary.
Sorry, tangent. Moving on!
So, our Dynamic Duo are en route to the House of Kra, which still sounds like a house full of... kra. Not a King's crib. They think it'll be full of gold and silver and be super duper magnificent. Yeah, no.
Instead they're led over the river through the woods.
They all walked through a miniature forest of all kinds of trees until they saw a wooden block house made from hundred's of tree logs. It was a very huge complex but strangely simple as well.
Hmm... is a house for a Jesus!King better or worse a fate for trees than those slaughtered to print Maradonia? Something to ponder. \~/
They were led into the house, to a room with bright lights everywhere, but no windows to let the sunlight in, nor chandeliers. I can see where this is going.
They nearly fell over two wooden stools in front of them. Maya and Joey stopped.
Then they saw Him.
They saw King Astrodoulos sitting on a bench, hewn out of one piece of granite.
STILL A STONE BENCH. \~/ Also, capitalization there? You're not hiding the Bible references anymore, are you? You gave up, Gtesch. I am disappoint.
Anyway, the next little infodump basically describes King Astroturf/Jesus. Long, white robe, check. Sandals, check. Shining eyes and pale skin, check. Oh, and he was holding Libertine, too. Fucking doves.
When Maya and Joey looked at King Astrodoulos they felt like their hearts were melting and their bones were burning.
... You know, if this happened when I met someone, I would get the fuck out. I though King Astro was the GOOD guy; wouldn't those symptoms be better when in the presence of King Pollo?
And then we get this:
King Astrodoulos got up from his granite seat, laid his hands on Maya and on Joey's shoulder and said to them, "Do not be afraid! I am King Astrodoulos. I carry the keys... to the secrete chambers of magic, wisdom and knowledge and I can reveal the mysteries which are hidden since generations."
... OW. \~/\~/ Okay Gloria, I get it. You're trying to pull some fancy pants 'Ye Olde English' on that word secret, but guess what? Doesn't work. You get the word secrete. Look it up.
Also, that whole thing was just... I can't.
He then goes on a spiel of how the doves (which are the seven good spirits of Maradonia, le gasp!) told him about everything they've done.
"You are still so young and yet you have already reached such a high level of understanding and knowledge which the majority of your world will never ever reach."
Pff- \~/ Understanding and knowledge? Really? Really? God this is just. Rrrrrgh.
King Astro goes on to tell them that they have come at the right time because just as they entered his quarters, Abbadon and his seven buddies of evil were released. How does he know this? No idea. A Wizard Did It rule applies, apparently. Basically, not many people listen to him, those afraid of the darkness have given in, army has many deserters, blah blah blah...
So, what's Astro's plan? To spread Joey and Maya's Incredible Tale {TM) all over the land! Because that's a great idea and encouraging. OH HEY LOOK. THEY ARE THE ENCOURAGERS HURR DURR.
... Just call them Maradonia's Cheer Squad. Seriously. \~/
"I will contact 'Judge Kingston; who is in the civil service of the state."
Sean Kingston? :D
King Astrodoulos made a very long pause, looked at Maya and Joey with a joyful expression on his shining face and said "Let me tell you...
... That is how this chapter ends. Seriously. No ending quotation mark. Just. THAT.
asdljfsadkffsd /tableflip
Chapter drinks: 7
Pop quiz, kids. How do you spell the word '40'?
'Forty', you say?
CHAPTER FOURTY - THE SECRET OF LIVIUS
Not In Gtesch land, apparently. Seriously. FOURTY. I cannot make this shit up. \~/
And we have a chapter starting with an ellipse and no beginning quotation mark? GAH. \~/
King Astro breaks it down, basicallly saying that Maya and Joey now need protecting because if they die, all hope is lost, etc. Joey brings up they fact they laid on a grill and they neither of them fear facing death. King Astro reminds them that was because holy beasts saved their ass.
"No... my children...
You need a protection which is not from this world! You need a protection, a shield which cannot be overcome by the evil powers of darkness!"
"And what is this for a protection?" Maya wanted to know.
Geez. \~/ Okay, okay, lemme guess. Some magic super duper shield. Or perhaps seven gems of power, two of which are already in the hands of the enemy. You've got plenty of sevens in the damn book already, so...
"BLOOD!" said King Astrodoulos, "It is only the blood that can protect you!"
...
What. No, seriously. WHAT. Yeah, the pool of blood was mentioned before, but having King Astro bring it up in THAT way? Not sinister. No. Not at all. Completely normal. \~/
King Astro explains how he took a dip in the pool of blood, then tells everyone but Maya and Joey to leave the room, only to tell them that he has a weak spot. Le gasp! I totally didn't see this coming. Achilles, anyone?
Basically, a leaf had landed on his shoulder before he took the dip.
"I could not go once again to that pool because it is a supernatural law that when you are covered once with the blood then you cannot be covered a second time.
I live with this knowledge all my life that there is a part on my body that is vulnerable and unprotected."
It was at this point I prayed Joey pulled another stupid move, pulled out his knife, and tried to stab King Astro in the shoulder. Sadly, this did not come to pass. \~/
Joey and Maya ask permission for their army to go with them to magical blood pool; frankly, King Astroturf would have to be epically retarded to say no, so... he doesn't, amazingly enough. Then Maya lays down the tough question: is he CERTAIN they're the leaders Maradonia needs? I'm curious about this, myself.
"One test of leadership is the following: 'Turn around and see if anybody is following you!'"
/facepalm \~/ Sigh.
So, with that little nugget of wisdom, King Astroturf sends them off to get their story written - in three paragraphs. Well, with writing of this caliber, that shouldn't be too difficult.
So Maya and Joey leave to prepare for yet another adventure, going back to their men and horses.
They had eaten and were refreshed. They were fully satisfied, as well as the horses and unicorns.
IN A LAND WHERE YOU DON'T NEED TO EAT. Gah! /flips table
Chapter end~
Chapter drinks: 6
CHAPTER FOURTY ONE - VIBRATIONS
And there was no effort for this.
So as our heroes rejoin the unicorns. Said unicorns are skurred. Why? Vibrations in the air. Unless it's a skyquake, I think there's nothing to fear. And then, suddenly, dog. AKA Phoenix wants to come along.
"We cannot leave our Phoenix here. Together we will follow the 'Thordis River' all the way to the canyon and General Genarius will bring us to the pool of protection."
Phoenix looked at Maya and it seemed to her that her dog understood every word and the whole strategy.
You sure he wasn't just trying to herp a derp? \~/\~/ Seriously. As much as I love dogs, they aren't THAT smart. Just speaking from experience.
Just then, gasp! Some of the soldiers don't believe in the blood pool! Thirteen of them basically say 'fuck that noise' and stay behind in Selinka. Parting words for them, Maya?
"Okay than, it's your funeral."
These men followed you through a bunch of bullshit. At least give them a better farewell than that, you HAG. \~/ Also, apparently, General Genarius is King Astro's successor. Hm... I guess that would be next in line since he has no kids or wife.
And so, it's off to get their great story written down and sent to EVERYBODY. Sigh.
Chapter drinks: 3
CHAPTER FOURTY TWO - JUDGE KINGSTON
Another semi-decent pic. Hmmm...
Anyways, nice short chapter. The duo meets Judge Kingston, who claims he knows they're being truthful because of the seven doves that are with them.
"Maya and Joey entered the 'Land of Maradonia' because they had to deliver and to bring on a 'vision of encouragement' to our people and they were tested very hard before they reached our capital city of Selinka."
Deliver... what? A pizza? \~/\~/\~/ Look. these two fell into Maradonia by absolute accident. Well, more like thanks to Joey being a dick. Heyyy... this whole story IS Joey's fault! KILL THE BASTARD!
After everything gets written down, Maya and Joey are asked to leave a quote. FOR THE CHILDREN. Lay some wisdom on 'em.
'A great man is always willing to serve and to be little.'
... WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?! /sobs, drinks \~/
Chapter drinks: 4
CHAPTER FOURTY THREE - BLOOD WARRIOR BOND
And then the art rapidly decreases in quality yet again! \~/
Back on topic, Maya and Joey continue on to meet King Astroturf and General Genarius. Why the alliteration? Is this a thing, now?
Anyway, once again, King Astro is shiny and bright. First words out of his mouth?
"Do not be afraid!"
Okay, I can see him doing this the first time, but why a second time? \~/ Someone usually says this because they either look threatening or appear in a way that surprises the other person. What kind of message are you sending, King Astro?
Basically, General is leading the party to the pool of blood since he knows where it is and is like a son to King Astro. Basic rules of dipping in blood apply.
"You have to take your shoes off and all of your clothes, all of your weapons, all of your jewelry, rings, nose rings, earrings, and all your chains."
... \~/ One of the items in the list feels REALLY out of place. Can you spot it?
He also issues a warning about not getting anything on them that'll leave a weak spot. At least that seems smart.
"Follow General Genarius! I love him and I trust him."
Ohhh, it's like that, eh? \~/ Explains so much.
So, speech continues, with more blah blah boring stuff, and more useless proverb shit.
"I believe that 'the highest purpose for faith is not change my circumstances but to change me."
Note that there was no ending apostrophe on that quote. You're slipping, Gtesch. \~/
He then tells everyone that they will be blindfolded as they get closer to the pool, so they can't find it again, and more importantly, can't tell anyone else about it. Okay, I can accept that. Makes sense, actually. HOLY SHIT SOMETHING IN THIS BOOK MAKES SENSE. Can't handle it. \~/\~/\~/
So, he goes on about the whole blood-dipping procedure, complete with letting the 'air' seal it. Once that is done, the person can be declared a 'BBM'. What is a BBM?
"If you are once sealed with the liquid of that pond you are a real 'BBM', a sealed "BLOOD BOND MEMBER' under the direct protection of the Kingdom of Light."
So basically, baptism by blood? In my head, the phrase 'baptism by blood' has a whole different meaning. Just saying. \~/
So, after that, King Astro reminds them about the blindfold thing, and the chapter ends. Rrgh, kind of boring, but I am okay with this lull in the fail. Also, done for now. I can't.
Chapter drinks: 9
Drinks this installment: 29
Total drinks this spork: 275
So, there you have it. Hope you enjoyed this dose of Maradonia fail. Hopefully my updates will be faster, but there's only so much of this shitty book I can take. Trufax.
CHAPTER THIRTY NINE - KING ASTRODOULOS
Okay, absorb this picture a moment. King Astroturf, the good King of Maradonia, he who is said to be freaking amazing... Sitting on a stone bench. :T \~/
The Iron Throne is far more impressive.
Also, as my friend Dagger and I would say... Spaaaaaace Jesus~ Space Mary.
Sorry, tangent. Moving on!
So, our Dynamic Duo are en route to the House of Kra, which still sounds like a house full of... kra. Not a King's crib. They think it'll be full of gold and silver and be super duper magnificent. Yeah, no.
Instead they're led over the river through the woods.
They all walked through a miniature forest of all kinds of trees until they saw a wooden block house made from hundred's of tree logs. It was a very huge complex but strangely simple as well.
Hmm... is a house for a Jesus!King better or worse a fate for trees than those slaughtered to print Maradonia? Something to ponder. \~/
They were led into the house, to a room with bright lights everywhere, but no windows to let the sunlight in, nor chandeliers. I can see where this is going.
They nearly fell over two wooden stools in front of them. Maya and Joey stopped.
Then they saw Him.
They saw King Astrodoulos sitting on a bench, hewn out of one piece of granite.
STILL A STONE BENCH. \~/ Also, capitalization there? You're not hiding the Bible references anymore, are you? You gave up, Gtesch. I am disappoint.
Anyway, the next little infodump basically describes King Astroturf/Jesus. Long, white robe, check. Sandals, check. Shining eyes and pale skin, check. Oh, and he was holding Libertine, too. Fucking doves.
When Maya and Joey looked at King Astrodoulos they felt like their hearts were melting and their bones were burning.
... You know, if this happened when I met someone, I would get the fuck out. I though King Astro was the GOOD guy; wouldn't those symptoms be better when in the presence of King Pollo?
And then we get this:
King Astrodoulos got up from his granite seat, laid his hands on Maya and on Joey's shoulder and said to them, "Do not be afraid! I am King Astrodoulos. I carry the keys... to the secrete chambers of magic, wisdom and knowledge and I can reveal the mysteries which are hidden since generations."
... OW. \~/\~/ Okay Gloria, I get it. You're trying to pull some fancy pants 'Ye Olde English' on that word secret, but guess what? Doesn't work. You get the word secrete. Look it up.
Also, that whole thing was just... I can't.
He then goes on a spiel of how the doves (which are the seven good spirits of Maradonia, le gasp!) told him about everything they've done.
"You are still so young and yet you have already reached such a high level of understanding and knowledge which the majority of your world will never ever reach."
Pff- \~/ Understanding and knowledge? Really? Really? God this is just. Rrrrrgh.
King Astro goes on to tell them that they have come at the right time because just as they entered his quarters, Abbadon and his seven buddies of evil were released. How does he know this? No idea. A Wizard Did It rule applies, apparently. Basically, not many people listen to him, those afraid of the darkness have given in, army has many deserters, blah blah blah...
So, what's Astro's plan? To spread Joey and Maya's Incredible Tale {TM) all over the land! Because that's a great idea and encouraging. OH HEY LOOK. THEY ARE THE ENCOURAGERS HURR DURR.
... Just call them Maradonia's Cheer Squad. Seriously. \~/
"I will contact 'Judge Kingston; who is in the civil service of the state."
Sean Kingston? :D
King Astrodoulos made a very long pause, looked at Maya and Joey with a joyful expression on his shining face and said "Let me tell you...
... That is how this chapter ends. Seriously. No ending quotation mark. Just. THAT.
asdljfsadkffsd /tableflip
Chapter drinks: 7
Pop quiz, kids. How do you spell the word '40'?
'Forty', you say?
CHAPTER FOURTY - THE SECRET OF LIVIUS
Not In Gtesch land, apparently. Seriously. FOURTY. I cannot make this shit up. \~/
And we have a chapter starting with an ellipse and no beginning quotation mark? GAH. \~/
King Astro breaks it down, basicallly saying that Maya and Joey now need protecting because if they die, all hope is lost, etc. Joey brings up they fact they laid on a grill and they neither of them fear facing death. King Astro reminds them that was because holy beasts saved their ass.
"No... my children...
You need a protection which is not from this world! You need a protection, a shield which cannot be overcome by the evil powers of darkness!"
"And what is this for a protection?" Maya wanted to know.
Geez. \~/ Okay, okay, lemme guess. Some magic super duper shield. Or perhaps seven gems of power, two of which are already in the hands of the enemy. You've got plenty of sevens in the damn book already, so...
"BLOOD!" said King Astrodoulos, "It is only the blood that can protect you!"
...
What. No, seriously. WHAT. Yeah, the pool of blood was mentioned before, but having King Astro bring it up in THAT way? Not sinister. No. Not at all. Completely normal. \~/
King Astro explains how he took a dip in the pool of blood, then tells everyone but Maya and Joey to leave the room, only to tell them that he has a weak spot. Le gasp! I totally didn't see this coming. Achilles, anyone?
Basically, a leaf had landed on his shoulder before he took the dip.
"I could not go once again to that pool because it is a supernatural law that when you are covered once with the blood then you cannot be covered a second time.
I live with this knowledge all my life that there is a part on my body that is vulnerable and unprotected."
It was at this point I prayed Joey pulled another stupid move, pulled out his knife, and tried to stab King Astro in the shoulder. Sadly, this did not come to pass. \~/
Joey and Maya ask permission for their army to go with them to magical blood pool; frankly, King Astroturf would have to be epically retarded to say no, so... he doesn't, amazingly enough. Then Maya lays down the tough question: is he CERTAIN they're the leaders Maradonia needs? I'm curious about this, myself.
"One test of leadership is the following: 'Turn around and see if anybody is following you!'"
/facepalm \~/ Sigh.
So, with that little nugget of wisdom, King Astroturf sends them off to get their story written - in three paragraphs. Well, with writing of this caliber, that shouldn't be too difficult.
So Maya and Joey leave to prepare for yet another adventure, going back to their men and horses.
They had eaten and were refreshed. They were fully satisfied, as well as the horses and unicorns.
IN A LAND WHERE YOU DON'T NEED TO EAT. Gah! /flips table
Chapter end~
Chapter drinks: 6
CHAPTER FOURTY ONE - VIBRATIONS
And there was no effort for this.
So as our heroes rejoin the unicorns. Said unicorns are skurred. Why? Vibrations in the air. Unless it's a skyquake, I think there's nothing to fear. And then, suddenly, dog. AKA Phoenix wants to come along.
"We cannot leave our Phoenix here. Together we will follow the 'Thordis River' all the way to the canyon and General Genarius will bring us to the pool of protection."
Phoenix looked at Maya and it seemed to her that her dog understood every word and the whole strategy.
You sure he wasn't just trying to herp a derp? \~/\~/ Seriously. As much as I love dogs, they aren't THAT smart. Just speaking from experience.
Just then, gasp! Some of the soldiers don't believe in the blood pool! Thirteen of them basically say 'fuck that noise' and stay behind in Selinka. Parting words for them, Maya?
"Okay than, it's your funeral."
These men followed you through a bunch of bullshit. At least give them a better farewell than that, you HAG. \~/ Also, apparently, General Genarius is King Astro's successor. Hm... I guess that would be next in line since he has no kids or wife.
And so, it's off to get their great story written down and sent to EVERYBODY. Sigh.
Chapter drinks: 3
CHAPTER FOURTY TWO - JUDGE KINGSTON
Another semi-decent pic. Hmmm...
Anyways, nice short chapter. The duo meets Judge Kingston, who claims he knows they're being truthful because of the seven doves that are with them.
"Maya and Joey entered the 'Land of Maradonia' because they had to deliver and to bring on a 'vision of encouragement' to our people and they were tested very hard before they reached our capital city of Selinka."
Deliver... what? A pizza? \~/\~/\~/ Look. these two fell into Maradonia by absolute accident. Well, more like thanks to Joey being a dick. Heyyy... this whole story IS Joey's fault! KILL THE BASTARD!
After everything gets written down, Maya and Joey are asked to leave a quote. FOR THE CHILDREN. Lay some wisdom on 'em.
'A great man is always willing to serve and to be little.'
... WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?! /sobs, drinks \~/
Chapter drinks: 4
CHAPTER FOURTY THREE - BLOOD WARRIOR BOND
And then the art rapidly decreases in quality yet again! \~/
Back on topic, Maya and Joey continue on to meet King Astroturf and General Genarius. Why the alliteration? Is this a thing, now?
Anyway, once again, King Astro is shiny and bright. First words out of his mouth?
"Do not be afraid!"
Okay, I can see him doing this the first time, but why a second time? \~/ Someone usually says this because they either look threatening or appear in a way that surprises the other person. What kind of message are you sending, King Astro?
Basically, General is leading the party to the pool of blood since he knows where it is and is like a son to King Astro. Basic rules of dipping in blood apply.
"You have to take your shoes off and all of your clothes, all of your weapons, all of your jewelry, rings, nose rings, earrings, and all your chains."
... \~/ One of the items in the list feels REALLY out of place. Can you spot it?
He also issues a warning about not getting anything on them that'll leave a weak spot. At least that seems smart.
"Follow General Genarius! I love him and I trust him."
Ohhh, it's like that, eh? \~/ Explains so much.
So, speech continues, with more blah blah boring stuff, and more useless proverb shit.
"I believe that 'the highest purpose for faith is not change my circumstances but to change me."
Note that there was no ending apostrophe on that quote. You're slipping, Gtesch. \~/
He then tells everyone that they will be blindfolded as they get closer to the pool, so they can't find it again, and more importantly, can't tell anyone else about it. Okay, I can accept that. Makes sense, actually. HOLY SHIT SOMETHING IN THIS BOOK MAKES SENSE. Can't handle it. \~/\~/\~/
So, he goes on about the whole blood-dipping procedure, complete with letting the 'air' seal it. Once that is done, the person can be declared a 'BBM'. What is a BBM?
"If you are once sealed with the liquid of that pond you are a real 'BBM', a sealed "BLOOD BOND MEMBER' under the direct protection of the Kingdom of Light."
So basically, baptism by blood? In my head, the phrase 'baptism by blood' has a whole different meaning. Just saying. \~/
So, after that, King Astro reminds them about the blindfold thing, and the chapter ends. Rrgh, kind of boring, but I am okay with this lull in the fail. Also, done for now. I can't.
Chapter drinks: 9
Drinks this installment: 29
Total drinks this spork: 275
So, there you have it. Hope you enjoyed this dose of Maradonia fail. Hopefully my updates will be faster, but there's only so much of this shitty book I can take. Trufax.