May 13, 2010 16:11
I have been thinking about the possible ideas behind why I want to connect with someone romantically so badly and think that I've been going in circles because I've missed the bigger picture. I was right in thinking that the idea of my being alone would ultimately terrify me in that no matter how self-sufficient I become (and in fact my trying to be so self-sufficient could very well be a reaction to the idea that I don't know what I'd do with myself if I were truly alone) I am still human and crave to be connected with other people. I might also wonder if because of things I've seen in my life if I relate my perpetual bachelorhood with some sort of preoccupation with the death of relationships or death of people in general. I have seen relationships over and over that start off well and for reasons that are beyond me come to a close. While I don't mean to say that my experience is somehow more unique than someone else (I believe everyone has experienced or seen the death of meaningful relationships in their life and the only difference is in level of awarenes and how they cope), I can see how trying to prevent what may be an inevitable part of forming relationships could have lead me to try and create this perfect pseudo-reality where I no longer have to confront my fears because I've found a way to get around them.
To give this a little context, I started thinking about this when I had a dream in which a meaningful relationship turned sour out of nowhere. In the dream I had gotten to a point where I was really close with said person but was criticized for having developed such a connection and told to educate myself on my flawed thinking. I felt pain and anger in the fact that I was betrayed by a person I trusted but on another level the anger may have come from the fact that I was made away that my pseudo-reality where I don't have to think about the short-comings of humanity and existence is rather fragile and all it really takes is another person being another person to challenge this borderline delusion I've created to comfort myself. I'm not necessarily despaired from this experience or my thoughts about it but am rather relieved that I'm gaining some sort of understanding from this experience and gaining more knowledge as to how I approach my life so that I can navigate it more effectively.