(no subject)
I tried to update days ago. But I was too tired to save my work ahead of time, and LJ went into a maintenance window before I hit the submit button. Won't make that mistake, this time. Though since I rarely update, I imagine it'll take a few days for some people to stumble upon this.
Life has been interesting. Has had it's ups and downs, though I suppose the ups have been the majority. I guess I'll start with the major down, to get it out of the way. But fear not, for it shall be the only down in the entry!
It seems another of my friends might be leaving, following in Brooke's footsteps. I won't name her, for her privacy. She's a sensitive person, so circumstances and other things lead her to believe I gave not a damn, about her. Having emotional issues myself, I can understand taking any possibly bad thing, and making it have a horrible meaning.
I really don't know what to do. Admittedly, I have numerous friends. But they all mean the world to me, as you know...I hope. On top of that, my issues cause me to be reluctant to talk about myself, in regular conversation. Hell, it's probably another reason I rarely update, aside from time constraints. This has now caused two people(that I know of) to believe I don't care, and leave. God, I'd talk to everyone every day, if I could. This will be sickeningly mushy(to some people), but the people in my world are a second breath of life, to me. I stopped being suicidal in my mid teens, because Hal Jordan influenced me to stay for others. The power to change things for the better is a horrible thing to waste, in my opinion. However, I did not strive for any of my own happiness. I didn't think it would happen, nor that I deserved it. Then all of you came along. You made me trust people again. You got me thinking that maybe I could *also* live somewhat for myself...and perhaps there was nothing wrong with that. A blind person would be able to see how special each of you are.
But now more than ever, I'm fearing that I may lose everyone at some point. Even just one of you is excruciating, because you all have a special meaning to me. I've wondered if maybe I truly don't deserve any of what I've experienced thus far. So it would only be natural that everyone move on to a better friend. However, I'm sure it's just a paranoia. Logically, there are many I can think of, whom I know wouldn't think as Brooke or the other person did. I've had alot of forced gaps in communication with everyone, and always been reluctant to talk about my problems in conversations, yet so many people are unaffected by it. They know I care. They know I'd be on all the time, if I could. They would tell me right away, if something were wrong.
Well, enough of the angst, eh?!
I've been online alot more lately, and it's been great(save for the previously mentioned stuff). I've had time to reply to LJ's, check up on YSRMB, etc. Though YSRMB is slow moving these days, so that's no chore.
George and Rachel called on my birthday, because they just wanted to talk to me. They didn't know it was my birthday, which meant they truly wished to speak to me. It was a good feeling, yet I had to leave right then. I tried them both back the next day, but George was unavailable. So I called Emma instead. Emma and I ended up talking politics for an hour, while Rachel fell into silence. I tried to coax her back into the convo, but she said she found listening to us to be interesting. Poor Rachel. *hugs her*
Things with Amber are going splendidly. Due to our schedules, we don't get much time to talk, during the weekdays. But that's ok. Our relationship is so mutually understanding, that it does not cause any drifting. Then we have a great time on the weekends, or any lucky weekdays where we have contact.
We have weird dreams about one another. She's dreamed I was a cat, then a heroic human who transformed into a whale. I recently dreamed about killing Resident Evil-esque creatures while visitng her.I wonder what that says about each of us.
I cooked a simple mexican dish for a work put luck, today. But it was a dish with my own added twist. Just bean and beef burritos, but I marinate the beef in teriyaki, instead of the normal latin spices. I've been doing that for a year. I love it. People at work were divided. It's such an unusual thing, that you either really like it, or really abhor it. I try to impress people with my cooking alot...how *stereotypically* effeminate of me.
Amber and my 3 month anniversary is tomorrow. Happy anniversay in advance, from your dirty part-latino, Amber!
Life has been interesting. Has had it's ups and downs, though I suppose the ups have been the majority. I guess I'll start with the major down, to get it out of the way. But fear not, for it shall be the only down in the entry!
It seems another of my friends might be leaving, following in Brooke's footsteps. I won't name her, for her privacy. She's a sensitive person, so circumstances and other things lead her to believe I gave not a damn, about her. Having emotional issues myself, I can understand taking any possibly bad thing, and making it have a horrible meaning.
I really don't know what to do. Admittedly, I have numerous friends. But they all mean the world to me, as you know...I hope. On top of that, my issues cause me to be reluctant to talk about myself, in regular conversation. Hell, it's probably another reason I rarely update, aside from time constraints. This has now caused two people(that I know of) to believe I don't care, and leave. God, I'd talk to everyone every day, if I could. This will be sickeningly mushy(to some people), but the people in my world are a second breath of life, to me. I stopped being suicidal in my mid teens, because Hal Jordan influenced me to stay for others. The power to change things for the better is a horrible thing to waste, in my opinion. However, I did not strive for any of my own happiness. I didn't think it would happen, nor that I deserved it. Then all of you came along. You made me trust people again. You got me thinking that maybe I could *also* live somewhat for myself...and perhaps there was nothing wrong with that. A blind person would be able to see how special each of you are.
But now more than ever, I'm fearing that I may lose everyone at some point. Even just one of you is excruciating, because you all have a special meaning to me. I've wondered if maybe I truly don't deserve any of what I've experienced thus far. So it would only be natural that everyone move on to a better friend. However, I'm sure it's just a paranoia. Logically, there are many I can think of, whom I know wouldn't think as Brooke or the other person did. I've had alot of forced gaps in communication with everyone, and always been reluctant to talk about my problems in conversations, yet so many people are unaffected by it. They know I care. They know I'd be on all the time, if I could. They would tell me right away, if something were wrong.
Well, enough of the angst, eh?!
I've been online alot more lately, and it's been great(save for the previously mentioned stuff). I've had time to reply to LJ's, check up on YSRMB, etc. Though YSRMB is slow moving these days, so that's no chore.
George and Rachel called on my birthday, because they just wanted to talk to me. They didn't know it was my birthday, which meant they truly wished to speak to me. It was a good feeling, yet I had to leave right then. I tried them both back the next day, but George was unavailable. So I called Emma instead. Emma and I ended up talking politics for an hour, while Rachel fell into silence. I tried to coax her back into the convo, but she said she found listening to us to be interesting. Poor Rachel. *hugs her*
Things with Amber are going splendidly. Due to our schedules, we don't get much time to talk, during the weekdays. But that's ok. Our relationship is so mutually understanding, that it does not cause any drifting. Then we have a great time on the weekends, or any lucky weekdays where we have contact.
We have weird dreams about one another. She's dreamed I was a cat, then a heroic human who transformed into a whale. I recently dreamed about killing Resident Evil-esque creatures while visitng her.I wonder what that says about each of us.
I cooked a simple mexican dish for a work put luck, today. But it was a dish with my own added twist. Just bean and beef burritos, but I marinate the beef in teriyaki, instead of the normal latin spices. I've been doing that for a year. I love it. People at work were divided. It's such an unusual thing, that you either really like it, or really abhor it. I try to impress people with my cooking alot...how *stereotypically* effeminate of me.
Amber and my 3 month anniversary is tomorrow. Happy anniversay in advance, from your dirty part-latino, Amber!