Aug 29, 2004 01:58
This truly sucks.
Basically, I've probably permanently lost Brooke(known to some as MeowMixForVampires) as a friend. I've known her for over a year.
When everything happened with Lisa and Amber, she seemingly wrote me off for that alone. Lisa and I *both* said and did some things out of anger, but Brooke decided I was the only one whose mistakes were unforgiveable. She's known Lisa for 7 years, so I guess that helps. Didn't seem fair in a way, but I guess it's also understandable, from her perspective.
So we spoke on AIM, and this was after Lisa explained some things to Brooke. Brooke was allegedly ready to make peace, but my bitterness at having been judged unfairly got the best of me. This was the latest in a line of my close friends doing this to me, but I still shouldn't have let that come out on Brooke. I didn't curse her out or anything, but I let my bitterness show in my comments to her. So she sends an e-mail to Lisa, telling her she wants nothing to do with me. Not only for our conversation, but she said that she felt I'd stopped caring about her, months ago. I wrote her an apology e-mail, and also asked her what made her think I stopped caring. The next night, I see her on AIM. She's very apologetic about the e-mail(since she knew Lisa showed it to me), and says she doesn't know what she was thinking, to have said such nasty things. She said she didn't even believe I stopped caring. So we made up, it seemed.
I see Brooke and Lisa at a movie, then Brooke has to go back to her home state. Two days ago, I get an untitled e-mail from Brooke. It says she lied before, that she had no feelings for me what so ever, and wanted nothing to do with me. She states that any e-mails I send her will be deleted without being read. Lisa also informed me that Brooke was keeping up appearances for her sake, temporarily. She thought I'd blame Brooke's feelings on Lisa, apparently. Btw, Brooke's e-mail still didn't give specifics on why she thought I stopped caring. Even Lisa is slightly in the dark on details, with that one.
It was all devastating to me, but I came to a conclusion. Even if Brooke never changes her mind about me, I still want to ask her about her life, and let her know I care. You see, Brooke has had few close friends in her life. Stupid as some people can be, certain stupid people wrote Brooke off, in school. Because of this, she feels that will always be the case, even though the teens at her school were mostly immature. She feels she has an unattractive personality, and that no one else will ever give her the time of day. Due to this, she almost never gives others a chance. Maybe a self defense mechanism, I don't know. Brooke actually used to be fond of me. She went to alot of trouble to meet me in her hometown, when I traveled here. She actually trusted me, and trusted that I cared about her. And at some point...she thought I stopped caring. Lisa and I have seen signs of depression from her, so it really upsets me to know that she feels her second loyal friend has written her off. This of course, is not true of me. I want her to know that I never stopped being loyal to her. I want her to realize that it's possible for others to like her, as well. As apathetic as she claims to be, it's obvious to Lisa and I that she's sensitive(she's cried over things), and hurts easily. She just doesn't show it. The idea of her going through the rest of her life, thinking she's unattractive to others, really pains me for her sake.
So I wrote her an e-mail, to start off with. Yes, even though I risked her deleting it without reading. I told her all of what I said in the above paragraph, and that I will always consider her a friend, whether she reciprocates this or not. I told her I'm still interested in knowing about her life, and her feelings. Then I sent her a second one after reading a journal entry of hers, asking her questions and commenting. Since this was by AOL mail, I was able to see that she opened the e-mail, before deleting it. Then I sent her one about her next entry. However, I saw that she did delete that one, without reading it, being true to her word once again.
Her shutting me out depresses me. I know you would say I know alot of good people, and this is true. But it's not about numbers to me. I'm not upset because Brooke is one less friend. I'm upset because of the lack of *Brooke*. Whether I have alot of friends, or few, each one matters to me because of *them*. I appreciate and value each of your personalities. You all are dear to my heart, in your own unique ways. Even Darcy, despite recent happenings.
Brooke is a good person. She may be quick tempered and somewhat unforgiving at times, but we all have our flaws. I do, everyone does. Brooke is very dear to me, and has been for a long time. When we met, she posted in a topic about a deceased relative of mine. I knew of her existence(Lisa told me of her long time best friend), but I never really thought she'd noticed me. I hadn't tried contacting her initially, because Lisa had implied that Brooke was against new friendships. But out of the blue, she responds to my topic with extremely kind words, and very undeserved compliments...well, her opinions of my personality. We slowly became very close. I enjoyed her company immensely. I tried then to convince her of how wonderful she was, same as I'm attempting these days. Despite her proclaimed apathy, she has a heart of gold. I tried getting her to talk to other people, because I knew they'd like her, and hoped she might feel she was worthy company. I did manage to get her in a chat with Paige and myself, once or twice. She even spoke to Paige by herself once, I think.
Even though her actions hurt, I could never hold a grudge against Brooke. Her, Lisa and Autumn were my first true friends, ever. Before them, I'd always been alone, and felt unwelcome in the human race. But because of their open, accepting nature, their kindness...I became able to trust people. They first made me feel welcome to the human race, which is the only reason I was ever able to make friends with all of you. They changed my life. I can never permanently hold something against any of them, not that I hold anything against Brooke currently. Brooke thinks she's not good at helping others, and yet she did all of what was previously mentioned in this paragraph. My heart will always have a warm place for her, a large one. I will always love her for who she is.
So yeah. I hope this doesn't seem spoiled, because some people think I'm popular with alot of others, or whatever. But seeing as I value each person individually, each individual loss is equally hard. My friends are not numbers, to me. I really love Brooke to pieces, so losing her is extremely painful.
More than that, I don't want her to think her second loyal friend has brushed her off, and doesn't value her. We've both been busy for a while, and thus had few times where we were both available to talk. But I never took her for granted. I spent alot of time worrying about her, and missing her. I hope she believes this at some point, for I fear thinking that the first person outside of Lisa wrote her off, will make her think that it isn't possible for her to have friends outside of Lisa. Or at least make her less warm to the idea.
Or perhaps I'm wrong. Maybe I began meaning nothing to her, longer ago than I think. She might be fine, and will have no problem making friends now. After all, she seemed to be a bit more open to sociability, before. If she's truly open more, and makes new friends...then I'll give her what she wants, and just fade out. If she makes multiple friends, then I don't think she'd have anything else beneficial to gain from knowing me. I mean, I feel most would be better off not knowing me. And if I'm of no more use to Brooke, then getting rid of me is definitely better for her. I just...I guess I selfishly hope that she'll eventually warm up to me again, whether she needs me or not. Even though I logically feel most people would be great without me, I am selfish in that I want to retain their friendship. But if Brooke befriends more people, and doesn't need me, I won't put up a fight if she shuts me out then. She'll be happy, so I will no longer have any use to her.
God, what a long, whiny fucking entry. Sorry.