(no subject)
I am so tired. things are all coming to a head right now.
Nanna peg now has to have chemotherapy for the tumour in her abdomen, and they are waiting for the biopsy results for the tumours in her lungs, and waiting to see how effective just radiotherapy will be for the bone cancer. THey reckon we'll be lucky if she's here at christmas.
And only now am i letting myself grieve for phil. SO much shit happened when he died that I haven't done it yet - THANK YOU FIONA YOU FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT THIS IS YOUR FUCKING FAULT - so now it is even harder cos although Denham have been really good support-wise, they've gone through it already, so I don't really have anyone on the same wavelength. I hate fiona so much.
and work is really hard. finding it really really difficult keeping up the pace. Nanna peg's situation keeps interfering - someone needs me to pick her up and drive her back to berwick, someone needs me to get stuff for her from her house and bring it to berwick, someone needs me to babysit alia or christopher/stephanie or laura/mark/sesi cos nanna peg needs something.
Am i really selfish? I am just so fricken tired of thinking with my heart instead of my head. way to pick your moments sarah. But keeping on doing stuff for everyone else and not doing anyting for myuself gets really fucking hard. Who looks after me when I go home from babysitting or working or nanna peg-ing? I don't get looked after. I don't get anything. I go home to a messy house and larisa's wanting to play house and thinks it's all fun and fucking games. She does nothing for me. I am too willing to cut myself open and donate all my organs and blood. Doesn't matter that maybe i need an organ or two, maybe a bit of blood to keep myself going. Don't worry about giving me some notice to babysit your little shits, i'll come round in 20 minutes. You live an hour away? no worries, i'll just nip back in time a bit so I can be there when you want me. NO no no no trouble at all, i'm not put out. GOt nothing else to do anyway. NOthing else to do but to give myself to everyone else.
AND THEN I'M THE BAD GUY WHEN I SAY NO!!!!!!!! suddenly i'm miss selfish bitch 2007 when I can't babysit at the last minute, when i can't come to see someone, when i have to say no to someone wanting something because i'm just too damn tired.
oh well excuse me. i didn't realise that's all people expect of me. too bad when i need someone to be here for me, when i need help or whatever. Guess i'll just have to do it myself.
Sometimes i think phil was onto something. as debra said in 'empire records' - "i guess i was just tired of being invisible." Phil and i, we were a team. Even though we didn't speak about it much, we understod each other. We could tell when each of us needed space or company or anything without words. i miss him so much. how do i do this alone? i don't think i can.
Nanna peg now has to have chemotherapy for the tumour in her abdomen, and they are waiting for the biopsy results for the tumours in her lungs, and waiting to see how effective just radiotherapy will be for the bone cancer. THey reckon we'll be lucky if she's here at christmas.
And only now am i letting myself grieve for phil. SO much shit happened when he died that I haven't done it yet - THANK YOU FIONA YOU FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT THIS IS YOUR FUCKING FAULT - so now it is even harder cos although Denham have been really good support-wise, they've gone through it already, so I don't really have anyone on the same wavelength. I hate fiona so much.
and work is really hard. finding it really really difficult keeping up the pace. Nanna peg's situation keeps interfering - someone needs me to pick her up and drive her back to berwick, someone needs me to get stuff for her from her house and bring it to berwick, someone needs me to babysit alia or christopher/stephanie or laura/mark/sesi cos nanna peg needs something.
Am i really selfish? I am just so fricken tired of thinking with my heart instead of my head. way to pick your moments sarah. But keeping on doing stuff for everyone else and not doing anyting for myuself gets really fucking hard. Who looks after me when I go home from babysitting or working or nanna peg-ing? I don't get looked after. I don't get anything. I go home to a messy house and larisa's wanting to play house and thinks it's all fun and fucking games. She does nothing for me. I am too willing to cut myself open and donate all my organs and blood. Doesn't matter that maybe i need an organ or two, maybe a bit of blood to keep myself going. Don't worry about giving me some notice to babysit your little shits, i'll come round in 20 minutes. You live an hour away? no worries, i'll just nip back in time a bit so I can be there when you want me. NO no no no trouble at all, i'm not put out. GOt nothing else to do anyway. NOthing else to do but to give myself to everyone else.
AND THEN I'M THE BAD GUY WHEN I SAY NO!!!!!!!! suddenly i'm miss selfish bitch 2007 when I can't babysit at the last minute, when i can't come to see someone, when i have to say no to someone wanting something because i'm just too damn tired.
oh well excuse me. i didn't realise that's all people expect of me. too bad when i need someone to be here for me, when i need help or whatever. Guess i'll just have to do it myself.
Sometimes i think phil was onto something. as debra said in 'empire records' - "i guess i was just tired of being invisible." Phil and i, we were a team. Even though we didn't speak about it much, we understod each other. We could tell when each of us needed space or company or anything without words. i miss him so much. how do i do this alone? i don't think i can.