Waking even slower than usual
So. First day trying Selexa. Very sleepy and generally disinterested in the most part. I'm just now dragging my ass out of bed with any real intent on it lasting more than a few moments.
My puter isn't working and I'm not quite cool enough to figure out what's up with it. Maybe just let Rae buy me a new one like wants just cause I'm lazy and sort of out of it. Mostly though, filled with apathy around the whole subject just now. I did price out how much a new Dell would cost that is as good as what I've actually got and its about $1200 without any monitor. If I let Rae go, it'll be likely closer to 2k, but that's his thing.
Veggie soup is warming up, so maybe that will get me a little more energized to be productive, but I'm not holding my breath by any stretch of the imagination. I'm having a very much Buffy Musical sort of day like that. Going through the motions.
There was some good news for Rae yesterday and it may actually work out that we're real and for true out of this stupid complex sooner vice later. Again, I'm sort of meh about the whole deal. I don't like looking for places and I'm not entirely certain its a stellar idea for us to move together, but for a few more months at least, my options are rather limited...especially high on prescription drugs.
As they say, one day at a time.
He's trying to get me all excited to go on a vacation somewhere, but I actually think that's a bad idea since everything will be just as retarded when we return. I also think that its a little irresponsible to barely be together and go on vacation together. But then again, takes two to tango and I'm utterly exhausted from taking care of my own emotional/spiritual/mental needs, let alone his. I know he's trying hard to help me through this all and goodness love him, but...I dunno. I just want to quit running into walls and doors and crap before I worry about other crap. I just can't help but think that slow and steady and focusing on myself is the best thing I can do right now.
It isn't helping that I saw my psychiatrist yesterday. By the end of it I felt pretty well emotionally raped and utterly judged by a chimp. But, I'm on the Selexa, so to hell with him. It's also a lot more draining since I've been trying to be more honest through the process instead of saying the right words to get the drugs I think I need and all that. Sadly, they say Drs can't help if you aren't honest, but I think we've decided that we aren't even going to discuss therapy and all that jazz for at least another couple months. I'm also pretty sure that a lot is being added to my diagnosis. I was watching and I know personality disorders and crap are in my notes and all of a sudden the staff is afraid of being within arms reach of me.
*shrug* Much different than usual.
They tried to give me a case worker for mental health, but she's afraid of me and I think I made it clear that I think she's utterly worthless for my care and we won't be speaking again I hope. I don't do well with women in mental health as it is and after an office space moment of "What do you do exactly" and some stammering on her part....well....lets just say I was less than pleasant.
No more Drs at all until next month, so that helps some. Just some social work stuff to get the money coming in all said. That sort of helps and I'm not going all manic and fucking everything all away at once, so nothing ends up happening as usual. I'm also, as much as it seems pointless, letting the dancing monkeys with PhD's try and do their jobs. All said though, they really just mean more disability to me. Shitty way to look at it, but I don't have a lot else to give right now.
I thought I had a lot more to say and I do, but I think I'm just going to be done for a while. I can solve the world's crisis after a nap. If I decide to bother at all. I can't help but feel that they get what they deserve most days recently, so screw them.
Sleep will help.
Food will help.
Jondy gone on the 1st will help.
My kitty will try and help. He's clingy because he knows I'm hurting inside. Been like that for a time now.
Mostly though, from that still somewhat lucid part of my brain, I just know that some time without talking will help. Quiet. Peace.
My puter isn't working and I'm not quite cool enough to figure out what's up with it. Maybe just let Rae buy me a new one like wants just cause I'm lazy and sort of out of it. Mostly though, filled with apathy around the whole subject just now. I did price out how much a new Dell would cost that is as good as what I've actually got and its about $1200 without any monitor. If I let Rae go, it'll be likely closer to 2k, but that's his thing.
Veggie soup is warming up, so maybe that will get me a little more energized to be productive, but I'm not holding my breath by any stretch of the imagination. I'm having a very much Buffy Musical sort of day like that. Going through the motions.
There was some good news for Rae yesterday and it may actually work out that we're real and for true out of this stupid complex sooner vice later. Again, I'm sort of meh about the whole deal. I don't like looking for places and I'm not entirely certain its a stellar idea for us to move together, but for a few more months at least, my options are rather limited...especially high on prescription drugs.
As they say, one day at a time.
He's trying to get me all excited to go on a vacation somewhere, but I actually think that's a bad idea since everything will be just as retarded when we return. I also think that its a little irresponsible to barely be together and go on vacation together. But then again, takes two to tango and I'm utterly exhausted from taking care of my own emotional/spiritual/mental needs, let alone his. I know he's trying hard to help me through this all and goodness love him, but...I dunno. I just want to quit running into walls and doors and crap before I worry about other crap. I just can't help but think that slow and steady and focusing on myself is the best thing I can do right now.
It isn't helping that I saw my psychiatrist yesterday. By the end of it I felt pretty well emotionally raped and utterly judged by a chimp. But, I'm on the Selexa, so to hell with him. It's also a lot more draining since I've been trying to be more honest through the process instead of saying the right words to get the drugs I think I need and all that. Sadly, they say Drs can't help if you aren't honest, but I think we've decided that we aren't even going to discuss therapy and all that jazz for at least another couple months. I'm also pretty sure that a lot is being added to my diagnosis. I was watching and I know personality disorders and crap are in my notes and all of a sudden the staff is afraid of being within arms reach of me.
*shrug* Much different than usual.
They tried to give me a case worker for mental health, but she's afraid of me and I think I made it clear that I think she's utterly worthless for my care and we won't be speaking again I hope. I don't do well with women in mental health as it is and after an office space moment of "What do you do exactly" and some stammering on her part....well....lets just say I was less than pleasant.
No more Drs at all until next month, so that helps some. Just some social work stuff to get the money coming in all said. That sort of helps and I'm not going all manic and fucking everything all away at once, so nothing ends up happening as usual. I'm also, as much as it seems pointless, letting the dancing monkeys with PhD's try and do their jobs. All said though, they really just mean more disability to me. Shitty way to look at it, but I don't have a lot else to give right now.
I thought I had a lot more to say and I do, but I think I'm just going to be done for a while. I can solve the world's crisis after a nap. If I decide to bother at all. I can't help but feel that they get what they deserve most days recently, so screw them.
Sleep will help.
Food will help.
Jondy gone on the 1st will help.
My kitty will try and help. He's clingy because he knows I'm hurting inside. Been like that for a time now.
Mostly though, from that still somewhat lucid part of my brain, I just know that some time without talking will help. Quiet. Peace.