Dear Angel: All these years later....
Dear Angel,
I found you, in human form. You took my hand and you showed me the world in a way I have never seen before, just as you promised. I still couldn’t fly, but I became alive again.
You brought me to feel in the way that I thought I could never feel again, and I felt it with everything that I was, to all the depths that I could love. And I saw that happiness was possible, and for the first time in my life, I wanted to wait for you for me to do all the things I dreamt to do, and I was willing to sacrifice my desires for yours. It was never necessary to put into action, but I was willing.
I remember the first day we met by ourselves, and you enchanted me by challenging me to a race to get to town hall first, and I remember the way I felt like my heart could fly, and I saw all the different Lego buildings and figurines and marvelled at them. I hadn’t enjoyed myself so much in a very long time, and the way you are, the way you dressed excited me. Then, when I broke off a part of the Lego ship by accident, you were not stressed, you laughed at me and my clumsiness and joked about running away.
I remember walking the streets afterwards, wandering and stumbling upon a Pie Face and you wanted to get a coffee and I said I never had cheese sticks before. The lady heard me and thought I wanted one and put it into a bag with my other pastry and you were too embarrassed to ask her to take it out of the order and that was the first time I ever had one and it was acutally quite tasty even though I don’t like cheese.
We sat on that bench where we ate for hours and just talked. I don’t remember what we talked about anymore. Somehow, I wish I could’ve written all of this down when it happened, not now, two years later. I can’t believe I still remember it so vividly, and so intimately. Perhaps I did write it down before, but I’m afraid to search for it. I don’t want to read all the words I had for you because it just makes me miss you more.
I do however, remember suddenly noticing how the sunlight had faded into dusk, and I remember the way you tried to casually put your arm around the back of the bench, but then when I didn’t lean into you, you subtly withdrew your arm. I remember laughing with you and I remember being enchanted by where we were because I was with you, there.
I’ve tried to find that place again, that bench, but everything in the city looks so different since they’ve tried to re-vamp everything. Now, whenever I see a place that resembles it, it makes me smile and my heart swells with fondness. That’s how I miss you.
When we eventually got up from that bench, we stumbled upon a small art exhibition that was still open, and it was attached to a fancy hotel. I was so excited that there was still an art gallery opened at 8pm and I was thrilled to go through it, but we didn’t just stop there. We walked around the hotel too, for a bit and then I saw the lift doors open and walked in like I knew where I was going. We couldn’t press all the buttons, but I felt like this was magical, the way the luxurious lift felt, and we were alone, just the two of us, doing something we were not supposed to.
We took photos and from that day onwards, I loved taking photos with you because they were so much art. I saw so many mundane places that were made magnificent because we were in it and every shot was a success.
I think we went back to your place after that, and you laid down on your bed, and I laid my head on your tummy. Later, you told me that you were struggling to find something to show me how you felt because you “really liked this girl”, and then I made a move, and you no longer had to. You just stroked my hair and before long, we had talked for hours again, until you realised how late it was, and you offered to take me home. I told you I didn’t want you to drive when you were so tired, but the bigger reason was that I also didn’t want to leave. That night, when I put my arms around you, and you kissed my hand, it was one of the most exhilarating moments of my life, because for the first time, someone appreciated me without requiring me to love them back.
And then, you became you, my Stephen, with your long hair and the way you saw the world, and the way you made sense of my dark, and the way you taught me about the world and music and the way you loved and although I couldn’t admit it to myself, I fell in love with you, everything about you.
I remember another time when we were walking down the street and there was a restaurant or a bar that had fairy lights strewn all over, and I wandered in, curious as to what secrets such a place could hold. I remember the hesitancy you had to enter too, but you followed me nevertheless and I could feel the anxiety fall off you as we walked deeper in. Later, you told me that you really liked how I make you step out of your comfort zone, how I bring you to explore places you never would’ve gone to but would’ve loved. You appreciated my adventurous spirit, but what I never told you was that with I was with you, I felt like I COULD just go to places and sneak in and you wouldn’t feel opposed to it. I finally felt like exploring places is an adventure, and not a crime.
I also remember that night, when we were in Parramatta and I got excited about the bridge because it was lit up in rainbow lights and the water pouring form it made it look like a waterfall of rainbows and you pulled over to admire with along with me, not just because I wanted to, but because you wanted to appreciate it too. And in that moment, I felt like maybe I wasn’t destined to feel alone forever, maybe there is someone who could be so in tune with me, that they’d see me and the world I exist in. I felt like I could appreciate the world and its darkness in a way so that I don’t have to fight the darkness anymore.
For the first time in my life, you made my darkness feel beautiful. For the first time in my life, you made ME feel that I am thoroughly beautiful.
And then, you left me. You left me just as you never came back when you were Stephen, as your other self. You left and disappeared and it’s as if you don’t exist anymore. Somehow, it’s as if you’ve died without having actually died and sometimes, I still struggle to come to terms with that.
But I just want you to know, I’m doing ok and I’m doing fine. You were my Stephen and so was he, and I wasn’t enough to keep you around. Now I have Alex, and his human counterpart, and he’s saved me better than anyone else before. I finally know what continuous happiness feels like, and I’ve found that I am capable of waking up without wanting to die. I’ve found that I am able to be ok with being alive, that happiness DOES exist and it DOES exist for ME. I’ve found that even though my darkness may come and go, it doesn’t have to be my only resource for my muse. I’ve found that I can love and be safe to put someone else first. I’ve found that it is possible for me to be at a place where I don’t have to be sad at all for a whole day. I’ve found that I am capable of wanting to be alive, even if I’m not quite there yet. I’ve found that I CAN have continuous happy days. And although I really miss you, there is nothing that I would change about how I live my life right now.
I don’t want to say goodbye, but I know I must. Maybe one day soon, I’ll find out how.
I found you, in human form. You took my hand and you showed me the world in a way I have never seen before, just as you promised. I still couldn’t fly, but I became alive again.
You brought me to feel in the way that I thought I could never feel again, and I felt it with everything that I was, to all the depths that I could love. And I saw that happiness was possible, and for the first time in my life, I wanted to wait for you for me to do all the things I dreamt to do, and I was willing to sacrifice my desires for yours. It was never necessary to put into action, but I was willing.
I remember the first day we met by ourselves, and you enchanted me by challenging me to a race to get to town hall first, and I remember the way I felt like my heart could fly, and I saw all the different Lego buildings and figurines and marvelled at them. I hadn’t enjoyed myself so much in a very long time, and the way you are, the way you dressed excited me. Then, when I broke off a part of the Lego ship by accident, you were not stressed, you laughed at me and my clumsiness and joked about running away.
I remember walking the streets afterwards, wandering and stumbling upon a Pie Face and you wanted to get a coffee and I said I never had cheese sticks before. The lady heard me and thought I wanted one and put it into a bag with my other pastry and you were too embarrassed to ask her to take it out of the order and that was the first time I ever had one and it was acutally quite tasty even though I don’t like cheese.
We sat on that bench where we ate for hours and just talked. I don’t remember what we talked about anymore. Somehow, I wish I could’ve written all of this down when it happened, not now, two years later. I can’t believe I still remember it so vividly, and so intimately. Perhaps I did write it down before, but I’m afraid to search for it. I don’t want to read all the words I had for you because it just makes me miss you more.
I do however, remember suddenly noticing how the sunlight had faded into dusk, and I remember the way you tried to casually put your arm around the back of the bench, but then when I didn’t lean into you, you subtly withdrew your arm. I remember laughing with you and I remember being enchanted by where we were because I was with you, there.
I’ve tried to find that place again, that bench, but everything in the city looks so different since they’ve tried to re-vamp everything. Now, whenever I see a place that resembles it, it makes me smile and my heart swells with fondness. That’s how I miss you.
When we eventually got up from that bench, we stumbled upon a small art exhibition that was still open, and it was attached to a fancy hotel. I was so excited that there was still an art gallery opened at 8pm and I was thrilled to go through it, but we didn’t just stop there. We walked around the hotel too, for a bit and then I saw the lift doors open and walked in like I knew where I was going. We couldn’t press all the buttons, but I felt like this was magical, the way the luxurious lift felt, and we were alone, just the two of us, doing something we were not supposed to.
We took photos and from that day onwards, I loved taking photos with you because they were so much art. I saw so many mundane places that were made magnificent because we were in it and every shot was a success.
I think we went back to your place after that, and you laid down on your bed, and I laid my head on your tummy. Later, you told me that you were struggling to find something to show me how you felt because you “really liked this girl”, and then I made a move, and you no longer had to. You just stroked my hair and before long, we had talked for hours again, until you realised how late it was, and you offered to take me home. I told you I didn’t want you to drive when you were so tired, but the bigger reason was that I also didn’t want to leave. That night, when I put my arms around you, and you kissed my hand, it was one of the most exhilarating moments of my life, because for the first time, someone appreciated me without requiring me to love them back.
And then, you became you, my Stephen, with your long hair and the way you saw the world, and the way you made sense of my dark, and the way you taught me about the world and music and the way you loved and although I couldn’t admit it to myself, I fell in love with you, everything about you.
I remember another time when we were walking down the street and there was a restaurant or a bar that had fairy lights strewn all over, and I wandered in, curious as to what secrets such a place could hold. I remember the hesitancy you had to enter too, but you followed me nevertheless and I could feel the anxiety fall off you as we walked deeper in. Later, you told me that you really liked how I make you step out of your comfort zone, how I bring you to explore places you never would’ve gone to but would’ve loved. You appreciated my adventurous spirit, but what I never told you was that with I was with you, I felt like I COULD just go to places and sneak in and you wouldn’t feel opposed to it. I finally felt like exploring places is an adventure, and not a crime.
I also remember that night, when we were in Parramatta and I got excited about the bridge because it was lit up in rainbow lights and the water pouring form it made it look like a waterfall of rainbows and you pulled over to admire with along with me, not just because I wanted to, but because you wanted to appreciate it too. And in that moment, I felt like maybe I wasn’t destined to feel alone forever, maybe there is someone who could be so in tune with me, that they’d see me and the world I exist in. I felt like I could appreciate the world and its darkness in a way so that I don’t have to fight the darkness anymore.
For the first time in my life, you made my darkness feel beautiful. For the first time in my life, you made ME feel that I am thoroughly beautiful.
And then, you left me. You left me just as you never came back when you were Stephen, as your other self. You left and disappeared and it’s as if you don’t exist anymore. Somehow, it’s as if you’ve died without having actually died and sometimes, I still struggle to come to terms with that.
But I just want you to know, I’m doing ok and I’m doing fine. You were my Stephen and so was he, and I wasn’t enough to keep you around. Now I have Alex, and his human counterpart, and he’s saved me better than anyone else before. I finally know what continuous happiness feels like, and I’ve found that I am capable of waking up without wanting to die. I’ve found that I am able to be ok with being alive, that happiness DOES exist and it DOES exist for ME. I’ve found that even though my darkness may come and go, it doesn’t have to be my only resource for my muse. I’ve found that I can love and be safe to put someone else first. I’ve found that it is possible for me to be at a place where I don’t have to be sad at all for a whole day. I’ve found that I am capable of wanting to be alive, even if I’m not quite there yet. I’ve found that I CAN have continuous happy days. And although I really miss you, there is nothing that I would change about how I live my life right now.
I don’t want to say goodbye, but I know I must. Maybe one day soon, I’ll find out how.