The anatomy of an alcoholic - Part I
I think that most of you out there cannot relate to this at all - but I remember my Mom going thru this and I think her experience was similar, but I was not as supportive as I should have been - so listen up. She was a strong person, as am I. And I would like to share in memory of her. I promised I would write about this and hope you younger ones will listen especially - as alcoholism is a progressive *disease* and will get you eventually if you have the predisposition for it. It may be heredity - who knows. I can certainly attest to the heredity thing, but was not prepared for the *disease* aspect of it - no control whatsoever. Not even the most intelligent can fight it.
When I got to Pathways, there was just one other person - his name was Billy and he was only 22 years old. For 2 weeks it was just the two of us but we became friends - we cooked together, and ate together, and cleaned together, and after July 1st this facility got their yearly county funding and suddenly there were many more people - all guys - most meth addicts - one alcoholic, one vicodin addict, a pot addict. It changed the whole chemistry of things, but it wasn't a bad thing - it was just different. I was peer counsel, which meant I was in charge of getting these guys out of bed in the mornings and to breakfast, lunch and dinner, and getting them to classes/groups and the like. Some of them hated me I think at first as I was a female - and older (like a Mom) and they just didn't want to be ordered around by the likes of me. But you know, we were all the same actually and we all became really close eventually, and had our own gatherings late at night that we didn't have to do. We shared everything - mostly our feelings - we prayed together which I had never done with anyone before. At my coin out, we were allowed 30 minutes but we went for over an hour and we all shed alot of tears - every one of us. While in treatment, I felt better about myself than I had for a very long time, and it was so very hard for me to leave them behind and come home. Pathways was a safe place for me.
I was so very unsteady on my feet for the longest time, (yes I was major fucked up) but these guys were there for me when we walked to AA/NA meetings - insisting always that I hold onto one of them, as I had fallen twice. I felt so very special, and awful at the same time. We all held each other up, literally, and were like a family. In the first two weeks I could not write legibly - the first week, I could not even shower on my own, and a staff member *Molly* who was viewed as so very evil, helped me, and we became friends - I needed help as I could fall. What a humbling experience this was.
But the day before I came home, there were two women (finally) who were brought in from the Yuba County jail. One was meth, the other was heroin and I have to say I was frightened by both of them. Neither was allowed detox - county funded - not like me, because apparently only alcoholics can die during detox. But we sat up my last night there, and talked until the wee hours of the morning and I was told I have a wonderful aura. What? I certainly don't feel that aura now.
I remember my Mom going thru the same thing. She felt so very good about herself because she was also a peer counsel during her treatment and she felt good about it - good about herself, and how others benefited from her wisdom.
But we both had to come home to what we left.
I talk on the phone to some of my treatment peers - and we're going to get together soon - in Marysville which is on the way to the Sac airport where I'm going to pick up my Sister on the 29th. The others - well they were homeless before they came to treatment - and were court-ordered and who knows where they are now. I know that one is in clean and sober living housing, but I don't have a phone #. It's so very sad. I miss them all though - more than I can say. I truly should feel luckier than I do at this point, and I'm working on it. It's hard - I'm struggling. One day at a time ... and for me sometimes it's one hour, or minute at a time.
Thank you all for being there for me - especially you Cathy - I know this has not been easy for you. You want to fix me, and you can't - but you've hung in there with me, and I know it's been painful for you. Please don't give up on me. For the rest of you - don't worry about having alcohol around me (the wedding). My real disease is depression and isolation - the alcohol was a temporary solution. Being around others who are drinking doesn't bother me.
Marilyn and family - thank you for the reading glasses that were desperately needed, and the lotion, and the awesome socks that I will always treasure, and in my favorite colors! You took the trouble to call! My husband never did to even inquire about my well-being. What a guy. Butch - you're probably not listening on my journal, but you got me there with your 5:30 am phone call. I had decided to bail and because of you I did not. Heidi - you drove me there and sent cards almost daily. Thank you - husband declared the night before that he just didn't have time for THIS SHIT. Again, what a guy, and let's just not talk about his own addictions, which I think are worse than mine. I am stronger than him, but I am hopeful that we can perhaps work this mess out. I am not sure why, but I love him, and maybe it's because he's the only person that has been able to make me really laugh. How weird is that? But it's something, and we've been together for over 10 years. Yesterday I was ready to give it all up, but today am feeling better, and perhaps we may have a chance. He hasn't drank or smoked pot around me since I got home. I think he's doing it, but just not around me. That's something. Obviously he cares - hopefully - and not just abstaining around me so he doesn't look bad. I just don't know at this point what to believe, but I'm trying my best to be positive.
Thank you Sara and Emily for your letters :) You have no idea how special they were to me.
When I got to Pathways, there was just one other person - his name was Billy and he was only 22 years old. For 2 weeks it was just the two of us but we became friends - we cooked together, and ate together, and cleaned together, and after July 1st this facility got their yearly county funding and suddenly there were many more people - all guys - most meth addicts - one alcoholic, one vicodin addict, a pot addict. It changed the whole chemistry of things, but it wasn't a bad thing - it was just different. I was peer counsel, which meant I was in charge of getting these guys out of bed in the mornings and to breakfast, lunch and dinner, and getting them to classes/groups and the like. Some of them hated me I think at first as I was a female - and older (like a Mom) and they just didn't want to be ordered around by the likes of me. But you know, we were all the same actually and we all became really close eventually, and had our own gatherings late at night that we didn't have to do. We shared everything - mostly our feelings - we prayed together which I had never done with anyone before. At my coin out, we were allowed 30 minutes but we went for over an hour and we all shed alot of tears - every one of us. While in treatment, I felt better about myself than I had for a very long time, and it was so very hard for me to leave them behind and come home. Pathways was a safe place for me.
I was so very unsteady on my feet for the longest time, (yes I was major fucked up) but these guys were there for me when we walked to AA/NA meetings - insisting always that I hold onto one of them, as I had fallen twice. I felt so very special, and awful at the same time. We all held each other up, literally, and were like a family. In the first two weeks I could not write legibly - the first week, I could not even shower on my own, and a staff member *Molly* who was viewed as so very evil, helped me, and we became friends - I needed help as I could fall. What a humbling experience this was.
But the day before I came home, there were two women (finally) who were brought in from the Yuba County jail. One was meth, the other was heroin and I have to say I was frightened by both of them. Neither was allowed detox - county funded - not like me, because apparently only alcoholics can die during detox. But we sat up my last night there, and talked until the wee hours of the morning and I was told I have a wonderful aura. What? I certainly don't feel that aura now.
I remember my Mom going thru the same thing. She felt so very good about herself because she was also a peer counsel during her treatment and she felt good about it - good about herself, and how others benefited from her wisdom.
But we both had to come home to what we left.
I talk on the phone to some of my treatment peers - and we're going to get together soon - in Marysville which is on the way to the Sac airport where I'm going to pick up my Sister on the 29th. The others - well they were homeless before they came to treatment - and were court-ordered and who knows where they are now. I know that one is in clean and sober living housing, but I don't have a phone #. It's so very sad. I miss them all though - more than I can say. I truly should feel luckier than I do at this point, and I'm working on it. It's hard - I'm struggling. One day at a time ... and for me sometimes it's one hour, or minute at a time.
Thank you all for being there for me - especially you Cathy - I know this has not been easy for you. You want to fix me, and you can't - but you've hung in there with me, and I know it's been painful for you. Please don't give up on me. For the rest of you - don't worry about having alcohol around me (the wedding). My real disease is depression and isolation - the alcohol was a temporary solution. Being around others who are drinking doesn't bother me.
Marilyn and family - thank you for the reading glasses that were desperately needed, and the lotion, and the awesome socks that I will always treasure, and in my favorite colors! You took the trouble to call! My husband never did to even inquire about my well-being. What a guy. Butch - you're probably not listening on my journal, but you got me there with your 5:30 am phone call. I had decided to bail and because of you I did not. Heidi - you drove me there and sent cards almost daily. Thank you - husband declared the night before that he just didn't have time for THIS SHIT. Again, what a guy, and let's just not talk about his own addictions, which I think are worse than mine. I am stronger than him, but I am hopeful that we can perhaps work this mess out. I am not sure why, but I love him, and maybe it's because he's the only person that has been able to make me really laugh. How weird is that? But it's something, and we've been together for over 10 years. Yesterday I was ready to give it all up, but today am feeling better, and perhaps we may have a chance. He hasn't drank or smoked pot around me since I got home. I think he's doing it, but just not around me. That's something. Obviously he cares - hopefully - and not just abstaining around me so he doesn't look bad. I just don't know at this point what to believe, but I'm trying my best to be positive.
Thank you Sara and Emily for your letters :) You have no idea how special they were to me.