I must live with this reality
Who: Cain Knightlord [Private]
Where: Lente's Point
When: Second Night of the Expedition
What: DEEP MEANINGFUL THOUGHTS... about Mr. Armpit Nipples
Rating: Not sure, but use discretion as there's mention of violence, blood and death
The main reason Cain had volunteered to come on this expedition, aside from the obvious usefulness of knowing the world around you, was to think. Gaining some distance from Abel had been tantamount, however much it tore at both of them; if he had remained all he would have done was bury this beneath the overwhelming urge to comfort his twin when he was at his most vulnerable. Perhaps it was selfish to not do that, but Cain knew if he didn't sort this through in his head then it would eventually eat him alive from within.
This wasn't the almost casual violence of the past he had been used to, Abel might have been a little shit but he knew when to stop before anyone was killed. And even though he had been told this was the future that awaited them, he had never truly believed it. How could you believe that your own other half was capable of cold blooded murder? No... Not just murder.
Genocide.
To witness it with his own eyes had been chilling, put a sick feeling in his stomach that had never quite faded, and he knew he'd hear the crunch of that poor townsman's skull in his dreams for a very long time. Blood on Abel's hands, blood he knew would be staining his own in the future as well, all because of a parasite's ability to prey on overwhelming grief. Perhaps that was one of the reasons he was so scared to face Abel after that, the possibility that had the roles been reversed he would have done just the same.
Preaching pacifism, only he knew about the secret resentment of the Terrans he had always harboured. A love and hatred combined, a wish to be one of them and a disgust for how they had treated his family. If Abel had been the one killed, and he had been the one who had lost part of himself, would he have been willing to listen to a monster's words and give into his anger? He didn't know... he didn't know!... and that was more terrifying than even seeing the blank loathing in Abel's eyes.
Shifting a little further away from the group in case someone else were to see him awake and come to keep him company, he looked down into the water of the lake and reached out to dip his fingers in. Cool and clean, perfectly natural, not like anything they had on the colony. It was the dream that he had guarded jealously all through his life - he and his brother, safe and free together somewhere where they could breathe in air that wasn't recycled nine times through a purifier. Now they had that, and it was all in jeopardy because of the sick whims of something they couldn't even see, throwing the past in their faces.
Could he forgive Abel?
Did he deserve to be forgiven?
More questions he didn't know the answer to. It was incredibly frustrating, he was so used to his brilliant mind coming up with the solution to even the trickiest problem with hardly any effort, and now it seemed things that shouldn't even be called into question were stumping him.
It would be so much easier if he could believe that this had all been the castle's sick idea of a joke, offer words of forgiveness and comfort as he was sure so many of Abel's friends were able to do. This hadn't been him, this wasn't how he truly was, they knew Abel could never be such a monster. He wished he were blissfully ignorant like that, able to be horrified at the way his baby brother had been perverted for something else's enjoyment. But he couldn't. He knew the truth, Abel had admitted it to him before and he had seen it in his eyes... Perhaps this had been a perversion of who he was now, but he had been that man in the past and the world had suffered for it.
What on Earth could he say to the man who had willingly made himself Contra Mundi?
It was the hardest thing he had ever had to reconcile with himself; even harder than knowing the atrocities that his own body would be used to commit, as at least then he knew that he had been a mere puppet and helpless to stand against the monster. His heart felt as though it were being torn in two, pulled between two forces he could no more stand against than he could change the tides at will. He loved his little brother, nothing could ever change that, Abel had been made for him (literally) and he knew they were two halves that made a truly dysfunctional whole. But he hated Contra Mundi with every fibre of his being, disgustingly sickened at the sheer inhuman savagery of the monster.
Was Abel brother or monster?
Cain pushed his face in his hands in frustration, unaware of the hours slipping by as his thoughts ran in vicious circles he couldn't seem to break them out of. It was as though this were a Catch 22 in the truest sense of the word, and the way forwards was blocked. But he had to find a way, he couldn't live with this churning inside him any more or he'd go insane.
Closing his eyes, he tried to physically relax his muscles and breathe deeply, attempting to force calm in the hope some answer would magically come to him. Not allowing his mind to dwell on the actual problem any more, letting it drift and perhaps... perhaps he would be able to see another solution that had been hidden before. But it was no good, his mind kept coming back to Abel over and over, like a magnet tugging towards its polar opposite. Hands on either side of the glass, identical in every way that mattered and the differences only serving to fit them closer together like two pieces of a jigsaw puzzle.
What Cain lacked, Abel made up for and visa versa. Had that changed now? If it had, then there was no hope for this being salvaged, but if it hadn't then why was he trying so hard to save it? He wanted to reconcile this, he needed to be able to look at his brother and not feel sick. So perhaps he just had to find the balance between them of what happened. Find out what part he had to play in this to bring them back together instead of push them further apart.
If Abel was anger and fear, sinner and monster.
Then Cain was...
Cain was...
He had to be...
Brave and strong, even if he didn't feel it.
He had to be the one to move past this, or they'd both be consumed by it. He had found a way to forgive himself for the sins he hadn't committed yet, knew it was because he had been trapped and gone. Wasn't Abel just as trapped now? A prisoner of mistakes he had made centuries ago that he had to live with every waking moment, and wasn't that a fitting punishment? Abel had chosen to walk among the people he had hurt and serve them, save them and love them as he hadn't before... even though he was obviously still terrified of being hurt and losing everything close to him.
Cain had his own sins to atone for. A secret hatred and anger that he had allowed to fester beneath the surface, one that if he'd maybe confided with his brother then Abel wouldn't have felt so alone and helpless. He had been solitary and walled himself in behind genial masks, and it had been his own fault when nobody had been able to see past the one mask that was most important for them to notice.
Abel had become a new man, so Cain would too. What Abel had done was unforgivable... but the path that had led him there had been partially Cain's fault, and so he should share his portion of the blame. Walk beside his brother and try to heal the world, love it and perhaps together they could gain redemption.
Finally having gained some measure of peace, and answered some of the questions he had left to sort through, Cain laid back and closed his eyes to sink into sleep with the rest of the camp.
Where: Lente's Point
When: Second Night of the Expedition
What: DEEP MEANINGFUL THOUGHTS... about Mr. Armpit Nipples
Rating: Not sure, but use discretion as there's mention of violence, blood and death
The main reason Cain had volunteered to come on this expedition, aside from the obvious usefulness of knowing the world around you, was to think. Gaining some distance from Abel had been tantamount, however much it tore at both of them; if he had remained all he would have done was bury this beneath the overwhelming urge to comfort his twin when he was at his most vulnerable. Perhaps it was selfish to not do that, but Cain knew if he didn't sort this through in his head then it would eventually eat him alive from within.
This wasn't the almost casual violence of the past he had been used to, Abel might have been a little shit but he knew when to stop before anyone was killed. And even though he had been told this was the future that awaited them, he had never truly believed it. How could you believe that your own other half was capable of cold blooded murder? No... Not just murder.
Genocide.
To witness it with his own eyes had been chilling, put a sick feeling in his stomach that had never quite faded, and he knew he'd hear the crunch of that poor townsman's skull in his dreams for a very long time. Blood on Abel's hands, blood he knew would be staining his own in the future as well, all because of a parasite's ability to prey on overwhelming grief. Perhaps that was one of the reasons he was so scared to face Abel after that, the possibility that had the roles been reversed he would have done just the same.
Preaching pacifism, only he knew about the secret resentment of the Terrans he had always harboured. A love and hatred combined, a wish to be one of them and a disgust for how they had treated his family. If Abel had been the one killed, and he had been the one who had lost part of himself, would he have been willing to listen to a monster's words and give into his anger? He didn't know... he didn't know!... and that was more terrifying than even seeing the blank loathing in Abel's eyes.
Shifting a little further away from the group in case someone else were to see him awake and come to keep him company, he looked down into the water of the lake and reached out to dip his fingers in. Cool and clean, perfectly natural, not like anything they had on the colony. It was the dream that he had guarded jealously all through his life - he and his brother, safe and free together somewhere where they could breathe in air that wasn't recycled nine times through a purifier. Now they had that, and it was all in jeopardy because of the sick whims of something they couldn't even see, throwing the past in their faces.
Could he forgive Abel?
Did he deserve to be forgiven?
More questions he didn't know the answer to. It was incredibly frustrating, he was so used to his brilliant mind coming up with the solution to even the trickiest problem with hardly any effort, and now it seemed things that shouldn't even be called into question were stumping him.
It would be so much easier if he could believe that this had all been the castle's sick idea of a joke, offer words of forgiveness and comfort as he was sure so many of Abel's friends were able to do. This hadn't been him, this wasn't how he truly was, they knew Abel could never be such a monster. He wished he were blissfully ignorant like that, able to be horrified at the way his baby brother had been perverted for something else's enjoyment. But he couldn't. He knew the truth, Abel had admitted it to him before and he had seen it in his eyes... Perhaps this had been a perversion of who he was now, but he had been that man in the past and the world had suffered for it.
What on Earth could he say to the man who had willingly made himself Contra Mundi?
It was the hardest thing he had ever had to reconcile with himself; even harder than knowing the atrocities that his own body would be used to commit, as at least then he knew that he had been a mere puppet and helpless to stand against the monster. His heart felt as though it were being torn in two, pulled between two forces he could no more stand against than he could change the tides at will. He loved his little brother, nothing could ever change that, Abel had been made for him (literally) and he knew they were two halves that made a truly dysfunctional whole. But he hated Contra Mundi with every fibre of his being, disgustingly sickened at the sheer inhuman savagery of the monster.
Was Abel brother or monster?
Cain pushed his face in his hands in frustration, unaware of the hours slipping by as his thoughts ran in vicious circles he couldn't seem to break them out of. It was as though this were a Catch 22 in the truest sense of the word, and the way forwards was blocked. But he had to find a way, he couldn't live with this churning inside him any more or he'd go insane.
Closing his eyes, he tried to physically relax his muscles and breathe deeply, attempting to force calm in the hope some answer would magically come to him. Not allowing his mind to dwell on the actual problem any more, letting it drift and perhaps... perhaps he would be able to see another solution that had been hidden before. But it was no good, his mind kept coming back to Abel over and over, like a magnet tugging towards its polar opposite. Hands on either side of the glass, identical in every way that mattered and the differences only serving to fit them closer together like two pieces of a jigsaw puzzle.
What Cain lacked, Abel made up for and visa versa. Had that changed now? If it had, then there was no hope for this being salvaged, but if it hadn't then why was he trying so hard to save it? He wanted to reconcile this, he needed to be able to look at his brother and not feel sick. So perhaps he just had to find the balance between them of what happened. Find out what part he had to play in this to bring them back together instead of push them further apart.
If Abel was anger and fear, sinner and monster.
Then Cain was...
Cain was...
He had to be...
Brave and strong, even if he didn't feel it.
He had to be the one to move past this, or they'd both be consumed by it. He had found a way to forgive himself for the sins he hadn't committed yet, knew it was because he had been trapped and gone. Wasn't Abel just as trapped now? A prisoner of mistakes he had made centuries ago that he had to live with every waking moment, and wasn't that a fitting punishment? Abel had chosen to walk among the people he had hurt and serve them, save them and love them as he hadn't before... even though he was obviously still terrified of being hurt and losing everything close to him.
Cain had his own sins to atone for. A secret hatred and anger that he had allowed to fester beneath the surface, one that if he'd maybe confided with his brother then Abel wouldn't have felt so alone and helpless. He had been solitary and walled himself in behind genial masks, and it had been his own fault when nobody had been able to see past the one mask that was most important for them to notice.
Abel had become a new man, so Cain would too. What Abel had done was unforgivable... but the path that had led him there had been partially Cain's fault, and so he should share his portion of the blame. Walk beside his brother and try to heal the world, love it and perhaps together they could gain redemption.
Finally having gained some measure of peace, and answered some of the questions he had left to sort through, Cain laid back and closed his eyes to sink into sleep with the rest of the camp.