log; complete
Who: Axel and Roxas.
What: After avoiding each other like the plague for a few days, the boys try the talking thing again.
When: May 30th, afternoon.
Where: Roxas' room; 319.
Rating: PG-13, again.
Axel had been avoiding going around the castle much for the past few days, if only because he wanted to do nothing more than completely avoid seeing anyone that he had any sort of acquaintance with. He hadn't written in his journal, barely said a word to Tyki, and never bothered to do a headcount of people to make sure no one else had died after the incident with Sora and Riku. Axel had a feeling he'd find out fairly fast if something had happened and counted it as a good thing no one had come looking for him.
After another evening spent entirely on the roof by himself, he figured that it was as good of a day as any to finally go back to the room he shared with Tyki. Staying on the top floor by himself was a pain in the ass, and he didn't want the castle to move him there permanently just because he'd stayed there too long.
Heading down and into the elevator, he stared at the array of buttons for a minute or two. After a moment of deliberation, he hit the button for the third floor instead of the second. Another idiot move to add onto his week of amazingly awful choices. He left the elevator and wandered down the hallway, stopping in front of 319 and simply standing there for a second. He knew it was a bad idea; Roxas probably still didn't want to see him and yet he raised his hand and knocked. Not like it could get any worse.
Roxas didn't normally spend all his time in his room, but ever since getting that tattoo, walking had been somewhat of a chore. At least by the third day it wasn't really that painful...it just felt a little bruised and sore. Problem was, it was just barely noticeable when he walked, so he preferred to lay or sit around as much as possible, sleeping in even later than he used to. He'd slept in past noon today, and after carefully putting some lotion over the tattoo, he went about brushing his teeth.
Only for someone to actually bother knocking on his door. Who the hell was that? Naminé? He didn't remember making more plans with her, but he supposed it was possible she might want to hang out. She was pretty much the only person he'd felt like seeing lately without punching. Scratching the back of his neck, the blond wandered over to his door and pulled it open. Oh. Well that definitely wasn't Naminé.
Scowling as much as one could with a toothbrush sticking out of their mouth and still donning his white pajamas, his words were slightly hindered by the toothbrush. "What do you want?"
Well, that was a good question. Axel probably should have thought of an answer to it before going over to see Roxas in the first place because he really didn't know why he was there. Why he was even going to bother with it all over again; they'd probably just end up fighting, anyway. Not that it was anything new, but he'd rather not have to do it all over again.
Axel scratched the back of his head a little, searching for some sort of smartass remark, a stupid comeback with a dumb reason to be there.
He couldn't think of one.
"Well. You not avoiding me would be good."
He was almost hoping for a smartass remark, because then he'd have a legitimate excuse to just slam the door in Axel's face. Instead he had to talk like a grown-up, which made Roxas pause and stare. And he didn't really know what to say. He knew what he could say, if he really wanted to hurt his friend's feelings, but he knew there'd already been enough lately, and frankly he was sick of it as well.
Even though Naminé was currently the only person around that he didn't want to punch, that didn't mean she was the one he had the most fun around. Being around her was...calming. Like napping under a tree in the summer time. But he usually had to be on guard around Axel, even when they were just sitting around talking, and that was something he was more used to. Relaxing, as nice as it was, didn't feel natural to Roxas when he experienced it too much. He much preferred a fight, and that had been sorely lacking lately.
And Axel...even though he didn't want to hurt his feelings, he did still want to hurt him. He missed being around him. Aware that he was contradicting himself, Roxas just shrugged and turned to wobble back to the bathroom so that he could finish brushing his teeth, leaving the door open so that Axel could decide if he wanted in or out.
Axel had been going a little stir crazy while avoiding everyone possible in the castle and when faced with finally having a chance to be around someone again, he wanted to simply turn around and walk away. It was nothing against Roxas, more just that Axel was getting tired of all the effort that was being required of both of them ever since he decided to tell Roxas something that should have been left unsaid.
When the blond retreated back into the room and left the door open, Axel stared at it rather blankly. He'd been expecting Roxas to slam it in his face, yell at him and tell him to leave. The fact that just the opposite had happened was enough to leave him confused for the better part of a minute. Eventually, though, he stepped into the room and shut the door behind him as quietly as he could; he didn't follow Roxas further in, instead he simply stood and leaned against the wall beside the door. At least if they started fighting he was close enough to the door that he could just walk away.
He took his sweet time brushing his teeth, too, as he stared in the mirror. That was something he was having trouble doing lately, because whenever he looked too long, he'd see a face that was his but not, and even if he couldn't see the smile, he could hear it in the voice that rang in his ears. We're friends, aren't we? Whenever it happened, he'd stop whatever he was doing and look over at the keyblade, as if expecting it to be gone. This time he just kept staring though, hoping he'd see or hear something else. Sora seemed like the type to have all the answers, after all.
We're friends, aren't we?
Wiping at his mouth with his sleeve, Roxas dumped the toothbrush into the holder before stepping out of the bathroom, glancing towards the keyblade resting on his bed just to make sure it was still there. Almost disappointed it still was, he finally looked over to Axel. It was strange to see him so quiet for so long.
"I wasn't running away. I mean... I'm not. I'm not a kid." Shifting uncomfortably, his brow crinkled. "People keep talking at me like I am. But you never did."
Eyes followed where Roxas' gaze was, resting on the keyblade that sat on the top of the bed. Axel's stomach felt like it sank upon seeing it; he may not have been close to Sora or anything, but it unsettled him to not have the kid around anymore. It just felt off to see entries by their friends and not see Sora in the mix of comments that were there. It didn't faze him as much as it did when Roxas disappeared before, though. Not by far.
Axel waited while Roxas spoke, choosing to actually think through what he wanted to say instead of just letting the verbal slew of nothing pour out. That was normally what got him into trouble in the first place anyway.
He crossed his arms over his chest and stood there for a moment or two; thinking. "If you were a kid, I'd treat you like one. I know you aren't. You're smarter than that." He simply shrugged.
It was meant as a compliment, but it still made him bristle. He wasn't sure why. Maybe it had something to do with being called smart by someone who was, in his opinion, acting like an idiot. "Yeah? Maybe. But I'm not an adult, either... I guess that's the fun part of being a Nobody. Even with a heart, that's all we are." Folding his arms across his chest, Roxas looked down at the ground. He'd had a few days away from Axel, but he wasn't sure if he'd cooled off or just gotten more agitated. Just depended on the context.
He wanted to admit that it had been pretty boring without him around, but his pride wouldn't allow that. So instead he tried a different route. "What is it you and Tyki do? Or...did? Or whatever. When you're alone. Aside from the, um..." He flushed against his will. "The other stuff."
"Being a Nobody isn't that bad, Roxas." Axel glanced off to the side. "I'd rather be a Nobody than nothing at all. And hey, at least we're Nobodies with hearts, so we're one up on the rest of them." He knew Roxas was right, though. It didn't matter how physically old they were, they weren't emotionally up to speed on things like everyone else might be.
The question caught him off guard, though, and the consideration of their physical age in relation to their emotional capacity was forgotten.
"What we... did?" He ran a hand through his hair and realized it was taking more effort than it should have to not be a smartass. That would just cause problems, though, wouldn't it? "We sat around a lot, talked sometimes. We made fun of people in the journals all the time." He grinned. "Which is a load of fun if you know who to watch for." Axel thought about it for a minute or two and realized that he and Tyki really didn't do a whole lot together. "We didn't do much. We're... kind of boring, as much as that pains me to say~"
It did sound a little boring. He failed to see what was so great about that, really. He and Axel already did all those things together...and a hell lot more. So the only thing that he and Tyki had...that he and Roxas didn't... "So...the sex." It took all of his self-control not to stutter when saying that, and he struggled to keep a straight face and his voice deadpan. "That's the only thing you two do that we don't."
He could recall all the jokes Axel used to make at his expense now, the tasteless teasing and sexual jibes. He really had thought it had just been the redhead being a jerk and trying to humiliate him, but... "You want more. That's what you want? With me instead of him? I mean, that's the only difference right?" The idea not only embarrassed him, but it...baffled him. He wasn't even sure how people really went about it. He just knew it was noisy and required very little clothing and was something worth being embarrassed about.
Great, so Roxas thought that Axel just wanted to have a little side sexcapade and that was it. Fabulous. Exactly what Axel wanted him to think!
Only not.
He shook his head as soon as the words left Roxas' mouth. "It's not.... like that." He hesitated a little; he hated talking about that kind of stuff. "It's not about the sex at all." Another pause. "I mean... it's not just sex, you know. It's... him and I, we..." Axel took a deep breath; he knew he was about to look like a total idiot. "We'd sleep together, in the non-sexual sense. Just lay in bed together. It's just... it's not all about the hot-and-heavy physical, right. It's the small stuff, too. Getting to touch the person in a way you know only you can. The physical affection. And... you and I don't have the dedication to each other that Tyki and I have. Had. Whatever. We have our friendship, you and I, but it's not the same as being in a relationship with someone. It's about being together and spending time together and not fighting all the time."
Axel dropped his head back against the wall, staring at the ceiling. "You want to know what I want, right. That's what your question was, wasn't it? Well what about you, what do you want?"
Roxas wasn't sure he understood, but it felt really weird to hear about something like that. Axel, being so emotionally intimate? This was supposed to be the guy who listened without actually listening. It felt...wrong. Axel might have been happy that he was the Roxas he knew and remembered, but Roxas wasn't sure that this was the Axel he knew and remembered. He'd...grown somehow, and suddenly Roxas did feel like a kid.
"I want..." Nails dug into the cotton of his button-up shirt as he tried to talk without saying something stupid. "I want to be my own person. I don't want to be part of anyone, or need anyone. But I feel...empty when he's not around now. And I feel lonely when you're not. It's boring."
Axel couldn't help but grin a little. "Of course it's boring. You can't beat company like mine, after all. And... as for him. Well, he'll be back soon, so you won't feel so empty then." He paused. "And I'm not going anywhere, either. You knew from the start that you were stuck with me, even when you are acting like a freak." The teasing tone was back for the moment and Axel felt, albeit briefly, that things were okay again.
"Roxas," he eventually turned his gaze back to the blond and tilted his head. "You are your own person. Can always be your own person, even when... you leave here. You don't have to disappear if you don't want to. And... you don't have to need someone but its okay if you do, y'know. It won't make you weak to care."
He thought about that awhile, the silence weighing heavily on his shoulders. Just spending time with each other... He'd always liked that. But they'd never been physical or anything. The first time he could even remember was when he'd cried after nearly killing Sora, and he'd been too distraught to be weirded out. The hug Axel had given him a few days earlier had definitely weirded him out, but he wasn't sure he could say he had disliked it. He just...hadn't known what to do.
Roxas had always been so big on his personal space, after all. He was his own person, he could take care of himself, blah blah blah. What was it like just falling asleep next to someone and waking up to see their face? He had no idea, but the way Axel spoke about it made it sound really nice. He was definitely curious, but admitting that out loud was so...stupid. He didn't know how Axel could do it. Maybe because he just had more practice.
Blue eyes glanced back up to make sure the other Nobody was looking before he tipped his head back down to glance down to his hip, which was still sore. Finally, he reached down to hook his thumb in the waistband of his pants, tugging it down on the right just enough to reveal a small black tattoo in the shape of a very familiar chakram.
On a general basis, Axel hated silence. He'd come to have a greater distaste for it the last few days of not really seeing anyone. But he actually hadn't minded the quiet passing between him and Roxas for those few minutes. Sure, the awkward twinge was still there, hanging over their heads, but it wasn't as tangible as it had been in the beginning of their conversation, and Axel was more than thankful for it.
He stood a moment longer, preparing to say something before Roxas finally looked at him and followed his gaze down. When he tugged at the waist of his pants, Axel opened his mouth to ask what the hell he was doing, only to immediately shut his mouth.
It was a tattoo.
Of his chakram.
Axel stood frozen for a moment before pushing himself away from the wall and walking over to where Roxas stood. He almost hesitated as his hand reached out, two fingers resting at the edge of the tattoo but not touching it in fear of hurting him. Axel looked back up at the blond, slowly letting his hand fall away as he spoke; voice softer than he'd wanted it to be. "Why?"
He shut an eye in a light wince as the fabric brushed against it when he let go Why? There were countless answers he could have offered. Because he was bored. Because it was the only design he could think of that wasn't totally lame. Because he wanted something original.
"In case I didn't get to see you again," he admitted. "So I wouldn't be lonely." It sounded so lame, and no matter what Axel said, it made him feel weak. So he quickly tried to cover it up, offering a casual smile as he moved to brush past him. "Naminé got a flower on her shoulder. It's pretty cute, actually. Took me awhile to convince her to do it with me, though."
"Naminé." The name came out as a whisper and even then it was quiet; a subconscious mumble that Axel hadn't even really noticed. More so just repeating what Roxas had told him so it would sink in. He still couldn't really believe it, though. That Roxas had done something so permanent. Axel himself had never thought to get anything like that done for anyone in his life and yet Roxas went and--
Before Roxas could completely move away, Axel turned towards him and reached out to grab his wrist; barely enough force that Roxas could easily pull away if he wanted to. He began to say something, only to have his breath hitch in his throat. "I already... I already told you that you can't get rid of me." He tightened his fingers a little and tugged on it a little before stopping; he remembered the last time he'd tried even a remote amount of physical affection with Roxas, and he wasn't sure if he wanted a repeat of it.
He wasn't so sure about that. Either one of them could disappear at any given moment, after all, with how this bitch of a place operated. Or they could die and never come back to life, like Greed had said occasionally happened.
Roxas was quick to yank his hand free just after the light tug, holding it against his chest as if nursing a wound. It had been his gut reaction, and he immediately knew he'd made a mistake. Things weren't like they'd been before. Touch didn't have to be a bad thing. This wasn't a fight. He shouldn't need to be protecting anything, right? Barely a few seconds passed before he reached out, this time initiating the touch, needing to turn back to face him to see what he was doing.
His hand settled against Axel's chest, feeling the heart beat that was almost as rapid as his own before he reached up to touch the redhead's face, palm resting against the curve of his jaw before tracing his fingertips down. Suddenly, he grinned. "Feels different without the gloves."
Axel almost stepped back when Roxas pulled his hand away; immediate reaction to the movement. He wasn't sure how Roxas would react to things sometimes but definitely knew being in close proximity wasn't always the best of ideas. Just as he was about to take a step back, Roxas' hand moved towards him and the blond turned back towards him. The muscles in Axel's back immediately tensed in case of sudden impact but was surprised when Roxas simply stood there.
His breathing stopped for a few seconds while the hand stayed on Axel's chest before moving up. He blinked slowly, eyes staying closed a brief moment longer than what was normal. He hadn't been expecting Roxas to do anything and despite the fact it was almost strange to have Roxas touching him like that, Axel couldn't say he minded it at all.
"Exactly." A half-smile pulled at his mouth soon after and his own hand moved up, fingertips ghosting over the back of Roxas' hand and down the side of his arm before dropping back to his side.
It was definitely weird, but he found himself wishing Axel hadn't dropped his hand away. Why had he stopped? Why did Roxas care that he stopped? After pulling his hand away from the other's face, he reached to rub at his arm a bit awkwardly. It had just donned on him that maybe he did feel the same way Axel did. Or at least....a similar way. That was close enough, wasn't it?
When he turned off the panic button, Axel's touch was more comforting than it was alarming. But he wasn't sure he could actually say it yet. I like you. Not that he was a coward! Anything but. He just...wasn't a total girl. That's it. Confident in his lame defense, he struggled to think of something to say that might convey the same meaning without actually blurting out those three words.
"You can still move in...if you want." A pause. "And you don't have to sleep on the couch."
Unknown to him, Axel was feeling the same way; like Roxas had pulled his hand away too soon. It was oddly calming to be around Roxas when neither of them was completely on edge about one thing or another. There was still a lot of crap going on, but that didn't stop Axel from feeling ten times calmer than before he walked into the room.
He tilted his head a little at Roxas' statement and arched an eyebrow. "Well I would hope not. Didn't we already figure out we'd get another bed in here?" Axel didn't want it to show, but he was pretty damn happy and rather satisfied that Roxas had said it was okay to move in again.
"Yeah sure." Another shrug was offered. Pleasant, maybe, but awkward as hell. "Or not. Whatever. Another bed would just kind of take up more space, and the rest of your crap's gonna take up enough of that. I don't even wanna guess how ridiculous your closet is." Not wanting it to seem like he was focusing too much on the bed thing, he smoothly shifted the subject over, leering up at him much like a cat cornering a mouse. Now banter was something he could do without feeling awkward.
"Which, by the way, is soon going to be including a pink and frilly dress. Don't think for a sec I've forgotten."
Oh. Well then. That wasn't exactly what Axel had expected but he certainly wasn't about to complain, either. Instead, he scratched the back of his head and rolled his eyes a little. "Only girls have a ton of clothes. Oh, and you." It was, in Axel's opinion, as normal as it could get for the time being. He grinned, but it faltered a little when Roxas got that look on his face.
Shit.
Axel looked off to the side and tried not to grin. "Dress? What dress? I have no idea what you're talking about."
"I don't have a ton of clothes!" he snapped back, and for once he was telling the truth. Still, he had a feeling his closet would grow, because he was becoming more and more interested in civilian clothes, and less in the simple outfit he wore with the Organization's coat. He wasn't part of them anymore, really. Still, it was good to keep that thing around for effect. ...And if it ever got cold, which it never really seemed to there.
"Tch. Of course you don't. I'll just have to log your memory later on. Now get out, I gotta change. I'm not wearing these all day."
Axel sighed and nodded a few times. "Sure you don't, blondie. Whatever helps you sleep at night, after all." Despite trying to look as serious as possible, Axel cracked a smile a few moments later; he was too damn pleased with everything right then to even try and act serious. He wouldn't pester Roxas too much about the clothes, though; in all honesty, he definitely preferred seeing Roxas in civilian clothes compared to the Organization uniform.
"Yeah, yeah. I'm goin'." He ignored the comment about memory jogging; that could wait until later. Giving Roxas a half-assed one-arm hug, he took a few strides towards the door. "See you later?"
He tried to shoot a glare at Axel for the lame nickname as he began unbuttoning his shirt, only to pause when Axel lightly squeezed him with one arm. He'd actually started to lean into it when Axel let go, and let out a sigh. If there was a bad timing of the year award out there, the older Nobody had definitely earned. Fidgeting with his shirt, he looked like he might want to say something, but after a moment he just nodded and turned, giving his own dismissive wave.
"Yep. See you."
Knowing he could -- and wanted to -- continue the hug, Axel still let go, regardless. After all, despite how easy it was for Axel to display physical affection to people, he knew it wasn't the same for everyone. Especially Roxas. He didn't want to push him to do more; it would probably end in Roxas pulling away and that was definitely not something he would know how to deal with.
He stopped before the door and looked back at him, tilting his head again. "Hey." He turned so his back was to the door, finding himself facing Roxas yet again. He didn't want to leave after catching the look Roxas had only seconds before. "Are you alright?" If the other Nobody had something to say, Axel didn't want to leave without finding out what it was.
He forgot that there were times Axel could be more perceptive than he let on. He wanted to say no. No, he wasn't okay, and he didn't want him to go because he'd just gotten to see him again after what felt like an eternity of not. But even if he couldn't admit to himself, and didn't know what the feeling was, he was still afraid to let Axel in that close. He didn't want to know how much more it could hurt when one of them left. Even though he wanted him closer, it was easier to keep him at a distance.
"Of course." He hesitated before looking over his shoulder and sticking out his tongue. "I'm not a woman like you. Now I said scram."
Axel smirked and shook his head. He didn't quite believe Roxas but figured that he seemed okay enough that Axel could leave and not have to worry about him. At least for the time being. Although he did give a rather exasperated sigh. "You know, keep on calling me a woman and the castle might turn me into one. See how well you like it when that happens."
Without another word, he gave a bit of a wave over his shoulder as he turned and left the room, shutting the door as he went.
What: After avoiding each other like the plague for a few days, the boys try the talking thing again.
When: May 30th, afternoon.
Where: Roxas' room; 319.
Rating: PG-13, again.
Axel had been avoiding going around the castle much for the past few days, if only because he wanted to do nothing more than completely avoid seeing anyone that he had any sort of acquaintance with. He hadn't written in his journal, barely said a word to Tyki, and never bothered to do a headcount of people to make sure no one else had died after the incident with Sora and Riku. Axel had a feeling he'd find out fairly fast if something had happened and counted it as a good thing no one had come looking for him.
After another evening spent entirely on the roof by himself, he figured that it was as good of a day as any to finally go back to the room he shared with Tyki. Staying on the top floor by himself was a pain in the ass, and he didn't want the castle to move him there permanently just because he'd stayed there too long.
Heading down and into the elevator, he stared at the array of buttons for a minute or two. After a moment of deliberation, he hit the button for the third floor instead of the second. Another idiot move to add onto his week of amazingly awful choices. He left the elevator and wandered down the hallway, stopping in front of 319 and simply standing there for a second. He knew it was a bad idea; Roxas probably still didn't want to see him and yet he raised his hand and knocked. Not like it could get any worse.
Roxas didn't normally spend all his time in his room, but ever since getting that tattoo, walking had been somewhat of a chore. At least by the third day it wasn't really that painful...it just felt a little bruised and sore. Problem was, it was just barely noticeable when he walked, so he preferred to lay or sit around as much as possible, sleeping in even later than he used to. He'd slept in past noon today, and after carefully putting some lotion over the tattoo, he went about brushing his teeth.
Only for someone to actually bother knocking on his door. Who the hell was that? Naminé? He didn't remember making more plans with her, but he supposed it was possible she might want to hang out. She was pretty much the only person he'd felt like seeing lately without punching. Scratching the back of his neck, the blond wandered over to his door and pulled it open. Oh. Well that definitely wasn't Naminé.
Scowling as much as one could with a toothbrush sticking out of their mouth and still donning his white pajamas, his words were slightly hindered by the toothbrush. "What do you want?"
Well, that was a good question. Axel probably should have thought of an answer to it before going over to see Roxas in the first place because he really didn't know why he was there. Why he was even going to bother with it all over again; they'd probably just end up fighting, anyway. Not that it was anything new, but he'd rather not have to do it all over again.
Axel scratched the back of his head a little, searching for some sort of smartass remark, a stupid comeback with a dumb reason to be there.
He couldn't think of one.
"Well. You not avoiding me would be good."
He was almost hoping for a smartass remark, because then he'd have a legitimate excuse to just slam the door in Axel's face. Instead he had to talk like a grown-up, which made Roxas pause and stare. And he didn't really know what to say. He knew what he could say, if he really wanted to hurt his friend's feelings, but he knew there'd already been enough lately, and frankly he was sick of it as well.
Even though Naminé was currently the only person around that he didn't want to punch, that didn't mean she was the one he had the most fun around. Being around her was...calming. Like napping under a tree in the summer time. But he usually had to be on guard around Axel, even when they were just sitting around talking, and that was something he was more used to. Relaxing, as nice as it was, didn't feel natural to Roxas when he experienced it too much. He much preferred a fight, and that had been sorely lacking lately.
And Axel...even though he didn't want to hurt his feelings, he did still want to hurt him. He missed being around him. Aware that he was contradicting himself, Roxas just shrugged and turned to wobble back to the bathroom so that he could finish brushing his teeth, leaving the door open so that Axel could decide if he wanted in or out.
Axel had been going a little stir crazy while avoiding everyone possible in the castle and when faced with finally having a chance to be around someone again, he wanted to simply turn around and walk away. It was nothing against Roxas, more just that Axel was getting tired of all the effort that was being required of both of them ever since he decided to tell Roxas something that should have been left unsaid.
When the blond retreated back into the room and left the door open, Axel stared at it rather blankly. He'd been expecting Roxas to slam it in his face, yell at him and tell him to leave. The fact that just the opposite had happened was enough to leave him confused for the better part of a minute. Eventually, though, he stepped into the room and shut the door behind him as quietly as he could; he didn't follow Roxas further in, instead he simply stood and leaned against the wall beside the door. At least if they started fighting he was close enough to the door that he could just walk away.
He took his sweet time brushing his teeth, too, as he stared in the mirror. That was something he was having trouble doing lately, because whenever he looked too long, he'd see a face that was his but not, and even if he couldn't see the smile, he could hear it in the voice that rang in his ears. We're friends, aren't we? Whenever it happened, he'd stop whatever he was doing and look over at the keyblade, as if expecting it to be gone. This time he just kept staring though, hoping he'd see or hear something else. Sora seemed like the type to have all the answers, after all.
We're friends, aren't we?
Wiping at his mouth with his sleeve, Roxas dumped the toothbrush into the holder before stepping out of the bathroom, glancing towards the keyblade resting on his bed just to make sure it was still there. Almost disappointed it still was, he finally looked over to Axel. It was strange to see him so quiet for so long.
"I wasn't running away. I mean... I'm not. I'm not a kid." Shifting uncomfortably, his brow crinkled. "People keep talking at me like I am. But you never did."
Eyes followed where Roxas' gaze was, resting on the keyblade that sat on the top of the bed. Axel's stomach felt like it sank upon seeing it; he may not have been close to Sora or anything, but it unsettled him to not have the kid around anymore. It just felt off to see entries by their friends and not see Sora in the mix of comments that were there. It didn't faze him as much as it did when Roxas disappeared before, though. Not by far.
Axel waited while Roxas spoke, choosing to actually think through what he wanted to say instead of just letting the verbal slew of nothing pour out. That was normally what got him into trouble in the first place anyway.
He crossed his arms over his chest and stood there for a moment or two; thinking. "If you were a kid, I'd treat you like one. I know you aren't. You're smarter than that." He simply shrugged.
It was meant as a compliment, but it still made him bristle. He wasn't sure why. Maybe it had something to do with being called smart by someone who was, in his opinion, acting like an idiot. "Yeah? Maybe. But I'm not an adult, either... I guess that's the fun part of being a Nobody. Even with a heart, that's all we are." Folding his arms across his chest, Roxas looked down at the ground. He'd had a few days away from Axel, but he wasn't sure if he'd cooled off or just gotten more agitated. Just depended on the context.
He wanted to admit that it had been pretty boring without him around, but his pride wouldn't allow that. So instead he tried a different route. "What is it you and Tyki do? Or...did? Or whatever. When you're alone. Aside from the, um..." He flushed against his will. "The other stuff."
"Being a Nobody isn't that bad, Roxas." Axel glanced off to the side. "I'd rather be a Nobody than nothing at all. And hey, at least we're Nobodies with hearts, so we're one up on the rest of them." He knew Roxas was right, though. It didn't matter how physically old they were, they weren't emotionally up to speed on things like everyone else might be.
The question caught him off guard, though, and the consideration of their physical age in relation to their emotional capacity was forgotten.
"What we... did?" He ran a hand through his hair and realized it was taking more effort than it should have to not be a smartass. That would just cause problems, though, wouldn't it? "We sat around a lot, talked sometimes. We made fun of people in the journals all the time." He grinned. "Which is a load of fun if you know who to watch for." Axel thought about it for a minute or two and realized that he and Tyki really didn't do a whole lot together. "We didn't do much. We're... kind of boring, as much as that pains me to say~"
It did sound a little boring. He failed to see what was so great about that, really. He and Axel already did all those things together...and a hell lot more. So the only thing that he and Tyki had...that he and Roxas didn't... "So...the sex." It took all of his self-control not to stutter when saying that, and he struggled to keep a straight face and his voice deadpan. "That's the only thing you two do that we don't."
He could recall all the jokes Axel used to make at his expense now, the tasteless teasing and sexual jibes. He really had thought it had just been the redhead being a jerk and trying to humiliate him, but... "You want more. That's what you want? With me instead of him? I mean, that's the only difference right?" The idea not only embarrassed him, but it...baffled him. He wasn't even sure how people really went about it. He just knew it was noisy and required very little clothing and was something worth being embarrassed about.
Great, so Roxas thought that Axel just wanted to have a little side sexcapade and that was it. Fabulous. Exactly what Axel wanted him to think!
Only not.
He shook his head as soon as the words left Roxas' mouth. "It's not.... like that." He hesitated a little; he hated talking about that kind of stuff. "It's not about the sex at all." Another pause. "I mean... it's not just sex, you know. It's... him and I, we..." Axel took a deep breath; he knew he was about to look like a total idiot. "We'd sleep together, in the non-sexual sense. Just lay in bed together. It's just... it's not all about the hot-and-heavy physical, right. It's the small stuff, too. Getting to touch the person in a way you know only you can. The physical affection. And... you and I don't have the dedication to each other that Tyki and I have. Had. Whatever. We have our friendship, you and I, but it's not the same as being in a relationship with someone. It's about being together and spending time together and not fighting all the time."
Axel dropped his head back against the wall, staring at the ceiling. "You want to know what I want, right. That's what your question was, wasn't it? Well what about you, what do you want?"
Roxas wasn't sure he understood, but it felt really weird to hear about something like that. Axel, being so emotionally intimate? This was supposed to be the guy who listened without actually listening. It felt...wrong. Axel might have been happy that he was the Roxas he knew and remembered, but Roxas wasn't sure that this was the Axel he knew and remembered. He'd...grown somehow, and suddenly Roxas did feel like a kid.
"I want..." Nails dug into the cotton of his button-up shirt as he tried to talk without saying something stupid. "I want to be my own person. I don't want to be part of anyone, or need anyone. But I feel...empty when he's not around now. And I feel lonely when you're not. It's boring."
Axel couldn't help but grin a little. "Of course it's boring. You can't beat company like mine, after all. And... as for him. Well, he'll be back soon, so you won't feel so empty then." He paused. "And I'm not going anywhere, either. You knew from the start that you were stuck with me, even when you are acting like a freak." The teasing tone was back for the moment and Axel felt, albeit briefly, that things were okay again.
"Roxas," he eventually turned his gaze back to the blond and tilted his head. "You are your own person. Can always be your own person, even when... you leave here. You don't have to disappear if you don't want to. And... you don't have to need someone but its okay if you do, y'know. It won't make you weak to care."
He thought about that awhile, the silence weighing heavily on his shoulders. Just spending time with each other... He'd always liked that. But they'd never been physical or anything. The first time he could even remember was when he'd cried after nearly killing Sora, and he'd been too distraught to be weirded out. The hug Axel had given him a few days earlier had definitely weirded him out, but he wasn't sure he could say he had disliked it. He just...hadn't known what to do.
Roxas had always been so big on his personal space, after all. He was his own person, he could take care of himself, blah blah blah. What was it like just falling asleep next to someone and waking up to see their face? He had no idea, but the way Axel spoke about it made it sound really nice. He was definitely curious, but admitting that out loud was so...stupid. He didn't know how Axel could do it. Maybe because he just had more practice.
Blue eyes glanced back up to make sure the other Nobody was looking before he tipped his head back down to glance down to his hip, which was still sore. Finally, he reached down to hook his thumb in the waistband of his pants, tugging it down on the right just enough to reveal a small black tattoo in the shape of a very familiar chakram.
On a general basis, Axel hated silence. He'd come to have a greater distaste for it the last few days of not really seeing anyone. But he actually hadn't minded the quiet passing between him and Roxas for those few minutes. Sure, the awkward twinge was still there, hanging over their heads, but it wasn't as tangible as it had been in the beginning of their conversation, and Axel was more than thankful for it.
He stood a moment longer, preparing to say something before Roxas finally looked at him and followed his gaze down. When he tugged at the waist of his pants, Axel opened his mouth to ask what the hell he was doing, only to immediately shut his mouth.
It was a tattoo.
Of his chakram.
Axel stood frozen for a moment before pushing himself away from the wall and walking over to where Roxas stood. He almost hesitated as his hand reached out, two fingers resting at the edge of the tattoo but not touching it in fear of hurting him. Axel looked back up at the blond, slowly letting his hand fall away as he spoke; voice softer than he'd wanted it to be. "Why?"
He shut an eye in a light wince as the fabric brushed against it when he let go Why? There were countless answers he could have offered. Because he was bored. Because it was the only design he could think of that wasn't totally lame. Because he wanted something original.
"In case I didn't get to see you again," he admitted. "So I wouldn't be lonely." It sounded so lame, and no matter what Axel said, it made him feel weak. So he quickly tried to cover it up, offering a casual smile as he moved to brush past him. "Naminé got a flower on her shoulder. It's pretty cute, actually. Took me awhile to convince her to do it with me, though."
"Naminé." The name came out as a whisper and even then it was quiet; a subconscious mumble that Axel hadn't even really noticed. More so just repeating what Roxas had told him so it would sink in. He still couldn't really believe it, though. That Roxas had done something so permanent. Axel himself had never thought to get anything like that done for anyone in his life and yet Roxas went and--
Before Roxas could completely move away, Axel turned towards him and reached out to grab his wrist; barely enough force that Roxas could easily pull away if he wanted to. He began to say something, only to have his breath hitch in his throat. "I already... I already told you that you can't get rid of me." He tightened his fingers a little and tugged on it a little before stopping; he remembered the last time he'd tried even a remote amount of physical affection with Roxas, and he wasn't sure if he wanted a repeat of it.
He wasn't so sure about that. Either one of them could disappear at any given moment, after all, with how this bitch of a place operated. Or they could die and never come back to life, like Greed had said occasionally happened.
Roxas was quick to yank his hand free just after the light tug, holding it against his chest as if nursing a wound. It had been his gut reaction, and he immediately knew he'd made a mistake. Things weren't like they'd been before. Touch didn't have to be a bad thing. This wasn't a fight. He shouldn't need to be protecting anything, right? Barely a few seconds passed before he reached out, this time initiating the touch, needing to turn back to face him to see what he was doing.
His hand settled against Axel's chest, feeling the heart beat that was almost as rapid as his own before he reached up to touch the redhead's face, palm resting against the curve of his jaw before tracing his fingertips down. Suddenly, he grinned. "Feels different without the gloves."
Axel almost stepped back when Roxas pulled his hand away; immediate reaction to the movement. He wasn't sure how Roxas would react to things sometimes but definitely knew being in close proximity wasn't always the best of ideas. Just as he was about to take a step back, Roxas' hand moved towards him and the blond turned back towards him. The muscles in Axel's back immediately tensed in case of sudden impact but was surprised when Roxas simply stood there.
His breathing stopped for a few seconds while the hand stayed on Axel's chest before moving up. He blinked slowly, eyes staying closed a brief moment longer than what was normal. He hadn't been expecting Roxas to do anything and despite the fact it was almost strange to have Roxas touching him like that, Axel couldn't say he minded it at all.
"Exactly." A half-smile pulled at his mouth soon after and his own hand moved up, fingertips ghosting over the back of Roxas' hand and down the side of his arm before dropping back to his side.
It was definitely weird, but he found himself wishing Axel hadn't dropped his hand away. Why had he stopped? Why did Roxas care that he stopped? After pulling his hand away from the other's face, he reached to rub at his arm a bit awkwardly. It had just donned on him that maybe he did feel the same way Axel did. Or at least....a similar way. That was close enough, wasn't it?
When he turned off the panic button, Axel's touch was more comforting than it was alarming. But he wasn't sure he could actually say it yet. I like you. Not that he was a coward! Anything but. He just...wasn't a total girl. That's it. Confident in his lame defense, he struggled to think of something to say that might convey the same meaning without actually blurting out those three words.
"You can still move in...if you want." A pause. "And you don't have to sleep on the couch."
Unknown to him, Axel was feeling the same way; like Roxas had pulled his hand away too soon. It was oddly calming to be around Roxas when neither of them was completely on edge about one thing or another. There was still a lot of crap going on, but that didn't stop Axel from feeling ten times calmer than before he walked into the room.
He tilted his head a little at Roxas' statement and arched an eyebrow. "Well I would hope not. Didn't we already figure out we'd get another bed in here?" Axel didn't want it to show, but he was pretty damn happy and rather satisfied that Roxas had said it was okay to move in again.
"Yeah sure." Another shrug was offered. Pleasant, maybe, but awkward as hell. "Or not. Whatever. Another bed would just kind of take up more space, and the rest of your crap's gonna take up enough of that. I don't even wanna guess how ridiculous your closet is." Not wanting it to seem like he was focusing too much on the bed thing, he smoothly shifted the subject over, leering up at him much like a cat cornering a mouse. Now banter was something he could do without feeling awkward.
"Which, by the way, is soon going to be including a pink and frilly dress. Don't think for a sec I've forgotten."
Oh. Well then. That wasn't exactly what Axel had expected but he certainly wasn't about to complain, either. Instead, he scratched the back of his head and rolled his eyes a little. "Only girls have a ton of clothes. Oh, and you." It was, in Axel's opinion, as normal as it could get for the time being. He grinned, but it faltered a little when Roxas got that look on his face.
Shit.
Axel looked off to the side and tried not to grin. "Dress? What dress? I have no idea what you're talking about."
"I don't have a ton of clothes!" he snapped back, and for once he was telling the truth. Still, he had a feeling his closet would grow, because he was becoming more and more interested in civilian clothes, and less in the simple outfit he wore with the Organization's coat. He wasn't part of them anymore, really. Still, it was good to keep that thing around for effect. ...And if it ever got cold, which it never really seemed to there.
"Tch. Of course you don't. I'll just have to log your memory later on. Now get out, I gotta change. I'm not wearing these all day."
Axel sighed and nodded a few times. "Sure you don't, blondie. Whatever helps you sleep at night, after all." Despite trying to look as serious as possible, Axel cracked a smile a few moments later; he was too damn pleased with everything right then to even try and act serious. He wouldn't pester Roxas too much about the clothes, though; in all honesty, he definitely preferred seeing Roxas in civilian clothes compared to the Organization uniform.
"Yeah, yeah. I'm goin'." He ignored the comment about memory jogging; that could wait until later. Giving Roxas a half-assed one-arm hug, he took a few strides towards the door. "See you later?"
He tried to shoot a glare at Axel for the lame nickname as he began unbuttoning his shirt, only to pause when Axel lightly squeezed him with one arm. He'd actually started to lean into it when Axel let go, and let out a sigh. If there was a bad timing of the year award out there, the older Nobody had definitely earned. Fidgeting with his shirt, he looked like he might want to say something, but after a moment he just nodded and turned, giving his own dismissive wave.
"Yep. See you."
Knowing he could -- and wanted to -- continue the hug, Axel still let go, regardless. After all, despite how easy it was for Axel to display physical affection to people, he knew it wasn't the same for everyone. Especially Roxas. He didn't want to push him to do more; it would probably end in Roxas pulling away and that was definitely not something he would know how to deal with.
He stopped before the door and looked back at him, tilting his head again. "Hey." He turned so his back was to the door, finding himself facing Roxas yet again. He didn't want to leave after catching the look Roxas had only seconds before. "Are you alright?" If the other Nobody had something to say, Axel didn't want to leave without finding out what it was.
He forgot that there were times Axel could be more perceptive than he let on. He wanted to say no. No, he wasn't okay, and he didn't want him to go because he'd just gotten to see him again after what felt like an eternity of not. But even if he couldn't admit to himself, and didn't know what the feeling was, he was still afraid to let Axel in that close. He didn't want to know how much more it could hurt when one of them left. Even though he wanted him closer, it was easier to keep him at a distance.
"Of course." He hesitated before looking over his shoulder and sticking out his tongue. "I'm not a woman like you. Now I said scram."
Axel smirked and shook his head. He didn't quite believe Roxas but figured that he seemed okay enough that Axel could leave and not have to worry about him. At least for the time being. Although he did give a rather exasperated sigh. "You know, keep on calling me a woman and the castle might turn me into one. See how well you like it when that happens."
Without another word, he gave a bit of a wave over his shoulder as he turned and left the room, shutting the door as he went.