Just Maybe I'll Learn to Help Myself (Kanda and Misa Log)
Who: Kanda (to_dark) and Misa (misa_approves)
What: "Cheering up" and looking after Misa
When: Todayish
Where: Misa's room (411)
Rating: PG-13 for angst?
It had been a while, since she felt this way. After her parents died, that's when it had it gone wrong, right? Misa stared down at her bandaged hand. It hurt. Guess she shouldn't have broken her mirror, but she hadn't thought about doing it. Reno had left, so she'd sat in front of her vanity, brushing her hair. Misa really was pretty. Her hair was healthy, she had bright brown eyes, flawless skin; she looked like a model. If that didn't bring her boyfriend back to her, it really was pointless being so beautiful. After all, her beauty was what had her paralyzed and staring at herself for days with Rhode. That's when she found her brush and hand in the mirror. Oops.
Maybe nothing had ever been right to begin with. She'd been thinking that lately, when she was assaulted by dreams of her father reminding her that girls shouldn't be so sad when they're so pretty. Oh well, without her boyfriend, it was pointless. It was stupid to think Light would fix her, wasn't it?
With a soft whoosh, she fell back against her pillows. No one would leave her alone right now. It felt like she was back at Ryuzaki's between Reno and Kanda in her room, Ravi and Sora in the journal.
Nn, Kanda. She pulled a blanket up to her chin. Most important, that's what he said. Where was he anyway?
This was a strange sort of... thing. Kanda knew Misa had secrets, he'd never asked about them because he didn't know how to go about them and he also felt he had no right to ask certain things. However when Misa had begun... when she had done that to the mirror... then Kanda felt the duty? Well, he felt obliged to do something. Even if this was generally not... his area of expertise. He didn't know how to deal with it. Or what to do.
It had taken a while, he had stared at the only possession he had for the longest time ever before lifting it from it's precious place by his bedside.
That One Person.
...Wasn't here.
They might never come and that for Kanda was unthinkable. He lived for that. Without that there was no reason to live. Nothing. All he had were a bunch of odd stalkers- well, he knew they were not stalkers, but a bunch of people who he'd forgotten and was hurting. Hurting them bothered him more than what he'd like to admit. Ravi, Allen, Rinali. Somehow he couldn't find his way out of that and while he had come to try and talk to Ravi... it drew too many complicated, unexplained emotions and Kanda didn't deal well with those.
So, instead, he focused on the task at hand, heading back upstairs with something carefully tucked under his arm. Misa... what she needed was more than words. She needed proof. Something real.
Kanda knocked on the door and waited.
She'd been staring into space when she heard the knock at the door. Blah, go away, she thought, sticking her tongue out at the door. But it was probably Kanda or Reno, maybe even Ravi, and if she didn't answer, they'd probably just knock down the door. Misa sighed, and felt under her pillow to ensure EMR was still there. Reno should've known better than to leave it here. Boys. She wanted to be alone; everything felt like a distraction.
Swinging her feet to the floor, Misa carefully stood. Whoa, dizzy. She blinked her vision clear, swaying until the room stopped spinning. Maybe Reno was right. When was the last time she ate? Making her way to the door, she pulled it open a sliver. Oh. Kanda. Misa opened the door wide, hiding behind it. She probably looked a mess.
Wait, was that? Why'd he bring that? She stared up at him with curious eyes before shutting the door and leaning against it. Really, she didn't feel like talking today.
Kanda stepped in without looking too much at Misa. Yeah, she looked like she could use more than rest, maybe food and... well other things. Relaxation came to mind. Kanda cradled the delicate glass against his chest, looking down at the pink flower which floated within it. This was the right thing to do, yes? It had to be.
"Hn." he tilted his head looking down at her. "I'm staying."
Here. His words were dry and abrupt, but that was Kanda.
For once in her life, she was glad no one was looking at her. Talking with Ravi, she was starting to realize it. What she really wanted. Misa swallowed hard at Kanda's words. Of course he was staying.
You couldn't stay dead in this place; it'd only bring you back. So really, Misa could never get what she wanted. Hopefully they'd go home before she grew old. Pushing away from the door, Misa walked to her bed and sat there. She felt too weak to stand anymore. Everyone would be disappointed if they knew how ugly she really was. Carefully, Misa cleared off the dolls and candles and trinkets from her nightstand, placing them on the floor.
"You brought your flower. It's pretty."
Kanda didn't care about people, people died all the time but if you were one of those... one of those few people. Kanda would go out of his way for them, not in an obvious manner but. He was familiar with Misa's room and made his way over to her nightstand, replacing the empty space with the sealed flower. "Hn."
And now came the hard part. Kanda knelt by the bed, one hand resting on the flower, the other on the side of the bed as he looked up at his princess.
"Misa..."
She tucked her legs beneath her as she watched him place the flower on her nightstand. It really was pretty, like it glowed somehow. Only two petals had fallen, and those petals annoyed her. She wanted to put them back, make the flower take them back. That lotus was Kanda's life, right? Misa watched his name floating there, and glanced to the flower. So, this was a lifespan she could see. He understood. Kanda would die young, too. She just wanted to die first.
When she noticed him looking up at her, she shifted her attention to his face. Nn, fierce eyes.
"Why did you bring it?"
Paradisa had given him back his flower and taken something else, something which had become more precious for him. Memories. The flower curled and extended floating calmly inside the glass. Kanda glanced back at the flower briefly. She needed it more than him.
"Because. It's safer here"
Not really but, Kanda had never been good with saying things, he hoped... she would understand.
What? She was taken aback. Her mouth parted in an 'o' as she stared at the flower. A small thing. Like the Death Note. Oh, he was giving it to her. She thought of Rem and shook her head.
"I'm most important," Misa said quietly. That was his life, so ...his life was in her hands. He was her's.
Kanda gave a nod. "Yes. That person." She would be that person as long as they both remained here, he would live for her, because if her. She had his life in her hands. Somehow the notion didn't bother him.
He rose a little placing one hand on her shoulder lightly.
"Can I have Mugen, too?"
It was out before she thought about it, and Misa covered her mouth with her hand. For a moment, when he said that, she was happy. She loved to be wanted, that was the point of everything. His hand felt heavy on her shoulder and Misa reminded herself that Kanda wasn't him. He wouldn't ever be him. Just like Light couldn't be him.
"Why?" she asked, tears gathering in her eyes. Misa never seemed to ask for anything, but someone was always-- "Why me?"
Kanda considered, "I need Mugen to protect you." he replied and straightened looking down at her. He felt horribly awkward in this moment, never knowing how to deal with crying people. Crying women. Although Misa wasn't crying. Yet.
Kanda did have a good ability to make people cry.
"You're the most important." the exorcist whispered.
Her hands reached out and she grabbed his arm, her head bowed. No one would ever tell her why. Really, she didn't need to be protected. It was a nice thought, but Misa wanted to protect him, help him. That's why she had been so happy when Rem gave her the Death Note. She could help her savior.
Out of the corner of her eye, she caught sight of the flower. But she was, wasn't she?
"You're mine now, right? I have your life." The words were quiet, but certain.
Kanda looked down at her, relaxing as she grabbed his arm. "Yes" he whispered in return. She had his life in her hands, in that flower. He glanced at the flower. It was better like this. It was what needed to be done, maybe it was what he wanted to do too. He wanted to trust her with something. Just so she knew she was important.
More than he could put into words.
It wasn't fair, she didn't ask. Misa didn't want to let him down, because he was important, too. It wouldn't be the same. He wasn't her boyfriend. He wasn't Light. But in the last five months, he'd come to be favorite someone. So she'd watch his flower for him, keep him safe, hide his secrets like she did the Death Note. Misa was good at keeping secrets. If her boyfriend came, if her feelings returned, whatever the castle had done, none of this would matter. But for now, she liked this.
Misa tugged on his arm, wincing at the cut on her hand. Maybe she didn't want to be alone right now. She didn't trust herself with the dreams she'd been having.
Kanda wasn't worried about being let down, he trusted Misa. She wasn't like other girls, hell, she wasn't like other people. He couldn't understand why it was, but she owned his life now, maybe even before now. He'd gone after her without Mugen. Just because, he knew he had to be there.
Noticing her wince, Kanda dropped one arm around her, pulling her closer.
"Sorry," she murmured, leaning against him. "I broke the mirror."
Suddenly Misa felt tired, worn, and hungry. She didn't understand it. There were people in the castle that made her feel special and wanted and loved. She wasn't acting like herself. Mm, couldn't tell Light about this. That was bad. She was supposed to follow Kira only, but ...nothing was there. Still, he was her savior.
She shook her head. Misa was doing it again, thinking too much. That could get her into trouble. Pretty girls didn't have use for that, right? Wasn't that what has been said since before she could remember? Be simple. Be cute. But right now, even that seemed too much to think about. She closed her eyes and clung to Kanda.
Kanda shifted to wrap his arms around her properly. "Doesn't matter." he replied resting his chin on top of her hair and looking ahead thoughtfully. "Come on," he released her briefly to tuck her into bed and sit himself beside her, using one arm and drawing her close taking mind of her injury. He sucked at this.
Whatever it was, Kanda would save her. There was so much death in his world, around him, by his hand. He was only good at destroying, so if that was needed to protect her, he would.
"You're nice," she whispered. He did take care of her, even if he thought he was bad at this kind of thing, he tried. Misa supposed a lot of people tried for her. It was different here.
...She guessed she'd give Reno EMR back just this once. In a few days.
Tiredness pulled at her from every direction, and she relaxed against him. She felt like a little girl. "I'm not pretty right now. Is that okay?"
Kanda did a soft 'hn' in reply, no he wasn't. He wasn't a nice person at all, but that was alright, it really was. He felt her relax and he let out a little sigh. There was some progress being made, little as it was, but he was glad. Or something. It was not always easy to know his feelings.
Not pretty right now?
"Hn." Of course, Kanda was not worried about those things. "Doesn't matter." he muttered
It did matter. She thought so. Maybe. It used to. It was risky to live for someone else, Ravi was right, but that's why she did it. Live for herself...
Misa held tight to him, suddenly afraid. Bad thoughts. That night. What was done to her.
There was no 'self' to live for. She died that night with her parents. Misa hid her face, her breath quick. She was scared. Terrified. Of living.
She tensed and his grip on her became firmer, pressing her against him. There were no words that could help now really.
Kanda wasn't living, he was simply doing his mission. Not living.
They both needed to live for someone else.
Misa was shaking and she realized she was crying, because images she couldn't help were coming back. Blood and screams. It was such a different way to kill than the Notebook. So she held to him as tightly as possible as she shook, remembering Rem's words. Misfortune. Well, misfortune had come to her long before she knew what a Death Note was. Don't think about it. Don't think about it even a little.
Just think about the now. There isn't anything else. Worry about everything later, because in this moment, she really was safe from the things she saw at night.
One hand rose to awkwardly to pat her hair slowly when she began to cry. Oh hell. Now he felt he had really done nothing and had no way of fixing it. Just sit here and watch this.
Kanda closed his eyes, she had to live. She just... she had to.
"Sorry," she said again, and she'd been saying that a lot lately. Misa didn't want him to worry, because she wanted to be strong. She wanted...nn, the girl didn't really know anymore.
Slowly, she admitted, "I don't know what's wrong with me. But I'll be fine. I'll be ...Misa again."
What: "Cheering up" and looking after Misa
When: Todayish
Where: Misa's room (411)
Rating: PG-13 for angst?
It had been a while, since she felt this way. After her parents died, that's when it had it gone wrong, right? Misa stared down at her bandaged hand. It hurt. Guess she shouldn't have broken her mirror, but she hadn't thought about doing it. Reno had left, so she'd sat in front of her vanity, brushing her hair. Misa really was pretty. Her hair was healthy, she had bright brown eyes, flawless skin; she looked like a model. If that didn't bring her boyfriend back to her, it really was pointless being so beautiful. After all, her beauty was what had her paralyzed and staring at herself for days with Rhode. That's when she found her brush and hand in the mirror. Oops.
Maybe nothing had ever been right to begin with. She'd been thinking that lately, when she was assaulted by dreams of her father reminding her that girls shouldn't be so sad when they're so pretty. Oh well, without her boyfriend, it was pointless. It was stupid to think Light would fix her, wasn't it?
With a soft whoosh, she fell back against her pillows. No one would leave her alone right now. It felt like she was back at Ryuzaki's between Reno and Kanda in her room, Ravi and Sora in the journal.
Nn, Kanda. She pulled a blanket up to her chin. Most important, that's what he said. Where was he anyway?
This was a strange sort of... thing. Kanda knew Misa had secrets, he'd never asked about them because he didn't know how to go about them and he also felt he had no right to ask certain things. However when Misa had begun... when she had done that to the mirror... then Kanda felt the duty? Well, he felt obliged to do something. Even if this was generally not... his area of expertise. He didn't know how to deal with it. Or what to do.
It had taken a while, he had stared at the only possession he had for the longest time ever before lifting it from it's precious place by his bedside.
That One Person.
...Wasn't here.
They might never come and that for Kanda was unthinkable. He lived for that. Without that there was no reason to live. Nothing. All he had were a bunch of odd stalkers- well, he knew they were not stalkers, but a bunch of people who he'd forgotten and was hurting. Hurting them bothered him more than what he'd like to admit. Ravi, Allen, Rinali. Somehow he couldn't find his way out of that and while he had come to try and talk to Ravi... it drew too many complicated, unexplained emotions and Kanda didn't deal well with those.
So, instead, he focused on the task at hand, heading back upstairs with something carefully tucked under his arm. Misa... what she needed was more than words. She needed proof. Something real.
Kanda knocked on the door and waited.
She'd been staring into space when she heard the knock at the door. Blah, go away, she thought, sticking her tongue out at the door. But it was probably Kanda or Reno, maybe even Ravi, and if she didn't answer, they'd probably just knock down the door. Misa sighed, and felt under her pillow to ensure EMR was still there. Reno should've known better than to leave it here. Boys. She wanted to be alone; everything felt like a distraction.
Swinging her feet to the floor, Misa carefully stood. Whoa, dizzy. She blinked her vision clear, swaying until the room stopped spinning. Maybe Reno was right. When was the last time she ate? Making her way to the door, she pulled it open a sliver. Oh. Kanda. Misa opened the door wide, hiding behind it. She probably looked a mess.
Wait, was that? Why'd he bring that? She stared up at him with curious eyes before shutting the door and leaning against it. Really, she didn't feel like talking today.
Kanda stepped in without looking too much at Misa. Yeah, she looked like she could use more than rest, maybe food and... well other things. Relaxation came to mind. Kanda cradled the delicate glass against his chest, looking down at the pink flower which floated within it. This was the right thing to do, yes? It had to be.
"Hn." he tilted his head looking down at her. "I'm staying."
Here. His words were dry and abrupt, but that was Kanda.
For once in her life, she was glad no one was looking at her. Talking with Ravi, she was starting to realize it. What she really wanted. Misa swallowed hard at Kanda's words. Of course he was staying.
You couldn't stay dead in this place; it'd only bring you back. So really, Misa could never get what she wanted. Hopefully they'd go home before she grew old. Pushing away from the door, Misa walked to her bed and sat there. She felt too weak to stand anymore. Everyone would be disappointed if they knew how ugly she really was. Carefully, Misa cleared off the dolls and candles and trinkets from her nightstand, placing them on the floor.
"You brought your flower. It's pretty."
Kanda didn't care about people, people died all the time but if you were one of those... one of those few people. Kanda would go out of his way for them, not in an obvious manner but. He was familiar with Misa's room and made his way over to her nightstand, replacing the empty space with the sealed flower. "Hn."
And now came the hard part. Kanda knelt by the bed, one hand resting on the flower, the other on the side of the bed as he looked up at his princess.
"Misa..."
She tucked her legs beneath her as she watched him place the flower on her nightstand. It really was pretty, like it glowed somehow. Only two petals had fallen, and those petals annoyed her. She wanted to put them back, make the flower take them back. That lotus was Kanda's life, right? Misa watched his name floating there, and glanced to the flower. So, this was a lifespan she could see. He understood. Kanda would die young, too. She just wanted to die first.
When she noticed him looking up at her, she shifted her attention to his face. Nn, fierce eyes.
"Why did you bring it?"
Paradisa had given him back his flower and taken something else, something which had become more precious for him. Memories. The flower curled and extended floating calmly inside the glass. Kanda glanced back at the flower briefly. She needed it more than him.
"Because. It's safer here"
Not really but, Kanda had never been good with saying things, he hoped... she would understand.
What? She was taken aback. Her mouth parted in an 'o' as she stared at the flower. A small thing. Like the Death Note. Oh, he was giving it to her. She thought of Rem and shook her head.
"I'm most important," Misa said quietly. That was his life, so ...his life was in her hands. He was her's.
Kanda gave a nod. "Yes. That person." She would be that person as long as they both remained here, he would live for her, because if her. She had his life in her hands. Somehow the notion didn't bother him.
He rose a little placing one hand on her shoulder lightly.
"Can I have Mugen, too?"
It was out before she thought about it, and Misa covered her mouth with her hand. For a moment, when he said that, she was happy. She loved to be wanted, that was the point of everything. His hand felt heavy on her shoulder and Misa reminded herself that Kanda wasn't him. He wouldn't ever be him. Just like Light couldn't be him.
"Why?" she asked, tears gathering in her eyes. Misa never seemed to ask for anything, but someone was always-- "Why me?"
Kanda considered, "I need Mugen to protect you." he replied and straightened looking down at her. He felt horribly awkward in this moment, never knowing how to deal with crying people. Crying women. Although Misa wasn't crying. Yet.
Kanda did have a good ability to make people cry.
"You're the most important." the exorcist whispered.
Her hands reached out and she grabbed his arm, her head bowed. No one would ever tell her why. Really, she didn't need to be protected. It was a nice thought, but Misa wanted to protect him, help him. That's why she had been so happy when Rem gave her the Death Note. She could help her savior.
Out of the corner of her eye, she caught sight of the flower. But she was, wasn't she?
"You're mine now, right? I have your life." The words were quiet, but certain.
Kanda looked down at her, relaxing as she grabbed his arm. "Yes" he whispered in return. She had his life in her hands, in that flower. He glanced at the flower. It was better like this. It was what needed to be done, maybe it was what he wanted to do too. He wanted to trust her with something. Just so she knew she was important.
More than he could put into words.
It wasn't fair, she didn't ask. Misa didn't want to let him down, because he was important, too. It wouldn't be the same. He wasn't her boyfriend. He wasn't Light. But in the last five months, he'd come to be favorite someone. So she'd watch his flower for him, keep him safe, hide his secrets like she did the Death Note. Misa was good at keeping secrets. If her boyfriend came, if her feelings returned, whatever the castle had done, none of this would matter. But for now, she liked this.
Misa tugged on his arm, wincing at the cut on her hand. Maybe she didn't want to be alone right now. She didn't trust herself with the dreams she'd been having.
Kanda wasn't worried about being let down, he trusted Misa. She wasn't like other girls, hell, she wasn't like other people. He couldn't understand why it was, but she owned his life now, maybe even before now. He'd gone after her without Mugen. Just because, he knew he had to be there.
Noticing her wince, Kanda dropped one arm around her, pulling her closer.
"Sorry," she murmured, leaning against him. "I broke the mirror."
Suddenly Misa felt tired, worn, and hungry. She didn't understand it. There were people in the castle that made her feel special and wanted and loved. She wasn't acting like herself. Mm, couldn't tell Light about this. That was bad. She was supposed to follow Kira only, but ...nothing was there. Still, he was her savior.
She shook her head. Misa was doing it again, thinking too much. That could get her into trouble. Pretty girls didn't have use for that, right? Wasn't that what has been said since before she could remember? Be simple. Be cute. But right now, even that seemed too much to think about. She closed her eyes and clung to Kanda.
Kanda shifted to wrap his arms around her properly. "Doesn't matter." he replied resting his chin on top of her hair and looking ahead thoughtfully. "Come on," he released her briefly to tuck her into bed and sit himself beside her, using one arm and drawing her close taking mind of her injury. He sucked at this.
Whatever it was, Kanda would save her. There was so much death in his world, around him, by his hand. He was only good at destroying, so if that was needed to protect her, he would.
"You're nice," she whispered. He did take care of her, even if he thought he was bad at this kind of thing, he tried. Misa supposed a lot of people tried for her. It was different here.
...She guessed she'd give Reno EMR back just this once. In a few days.
Tiredness pulled at her from every direction, and she relaxed against him. She felt like a little girl. "I'm not pretty right now. Is that okay?"
Kanda did a soft 'hn' in reply, no he wasn't. He wasn't a nice person at all, but that was alright, it really was. He felt her relax and he let out a little sigh. There was some progress being made, little as it was, but he was glad. Or something. It was not always easy to know his feelings.
Not pretty right now?
"Hn." Of course, Kanda was not worried about those things. "Doesn't matter." he muttered
It did matter. She thought so. Maybe. It used to. It was risky to live for someone else, Ravi was right, but that's why she did it. Live for herself...
Misa held tight to him, suddenly afraid. Bad thoughts. That night. What was done to her.
There was no 'self' to live for. She died that night with her parents. Misa hid her face, her breath quick. She was scared. Terrified. Of living.
She tensed and his grip on her became firmer, pressing her against him. There were no words that could help now really.
Kanda wasn't living, he was simply doing his mission. Not living.
They both needed to live for someone else.
Misa was shaking and she realized she was crying, because images she couldn't help were coming back. Blood and screams. It was such a different way to kill than the Notebook. So she held to him as tightly as possible as she shook, remembering Rem's words. Misfortune. Well, misfortune had come to her long before she knew what a Death Note was. Don't think about it. Don't think about it even a little.
Just think about the now. There isn't anything else. Worry about everything later, because in this moment, she really was safe from the things she saw at night.
One hand rose to awkwardly to pat her hair slowly when she began to cry. Oh hell. Now he felt he had really done nothing and had no way of fixing it. Just sit here and watch this.
Kanda closed his eyes, she had to live. She just... she had to.
"Sorry," she said again, and she'd been saying that a lot lately. Misa didn't want him to worry, because she wanted to be strong. She wanted...nn, the girl didn't really know anymore.
Slowly, she admitted, "I don't know what's wrong with me. But I'll be fine. I'll be ...Misa again."