attempt number eighteen ♓ (action)
[ when she first approached akihiko's door, claire immediately second guessed her decision to stop by and simply walked on past it. wandering down the seventh floor hallway was the first time she realized that lana's room in the castle was on the same floor as akihiko's. small castle, though, not so much so, considering she spent all her time in the city. claire still wasn't convince that the whole city thing wasn't the best plan.
in fact, she wasn't convinced of what exactly she was doing up there, but her guilt drove her back to standing outside of akihiko's door and awkward raising her hand to knock on it, then stopping short and dropping her hand back to her side and sighing in frustration. repeatedly.
putting herself out there was hard. it had never ended well for her, it was scary, and it involved a whole lot more vulnerability than claire herself was willing to give. it wasn't that she was afraid to get close. she had a million excuses at the ready for why this was a stupid idea, but she couldn't let up on what kara and stephanie and lois had said.
if those complications weren't there, would she have wanted him to kiss her?
the answer was painfully clear.
unconsciously, she reached up to brush her fingertips against her lips and used her other hand to knock three times on the door of akihiko's room. immediately she regretted it. why was she here? if she started running now she could probably be safely in the stair well before he got to the door and she'd never have to acknowledge that not only had she been ignoring him for a good two weeks, but she'd also freaked out on him immensely before that.
it bothered her though. why did she freak out? she was normal. functional. okay, not exactly, but close enough. normal-ish. functional-ish. so what about this was so hard? she'd had relationships before. so maybe brody -- which wasn't exactly a relationship so much as a slew of horrible life decisions -- hadn't ended so well and maybe west still hurt sometimes. but she'd grown up since then. she'd realized that people didn't need to agree with everything she did to love her and be loved by her. so it could be better, right? but then there was alex. alex the anomaly that should have been her first clue that doing this closed off thing was a stupid idea, because she'd be a liar if she said she didn't think about the what ifs sometimes.
was that where she wanted to be in a few months? dwelling in what ifs while akihiko moved on because he wasn't going to wait around forever for someone as damaged as claire?
that thought, that realization, was what had solidified her decision. no what ifs. no waiting for a lull in the slew of bad things that the castle went through. bad things were going to keep happening. that wasn't going to change, but the castle couldn't take everything from them, and lois was right. claire just couldn't let it when this was one thing she could take back if she could just get over herself and stop hiding behind the walls she'd never realized were built so high around herself.
and if nothing else, she owed him a better explanation than "it's not you, it's me." no matter how true that held. ]
in fact, she wasn't convinced of what exactly she was doing up there, but her guilt drove her back to standing outside of akihiko's door and awkward raising her hand to knock on it, then stopping short and dropping her hand back to her side and sighing in frustration. repeatedly.
putting herself out there was hard. it had never ended well for her, it was scary, and it involved a whole lot more vulnerability than claire herself was willing to give. it wasn't that she was afraid to get close. she had a million excuses at the ready for why this was a stupid idea, but she couldn't let up on what kara and stephanie and lois had said.
if those complications weren't there, would she have wanted him to kiss her?
the answer was painfully clear.
unconsciously, she reached up to brush her fingertips against her lips and used her other hand to knock three times on the door of akihiko's room. immediately she regretted it. why was she here? if she started running now she could probably be safely in the stair well before he got to the door and she'd never have to acknowledge that not only had she been ignoring him for a good two weeks, but she'd also freaked out on him immensely before that.
it bothered her though. why did she freak out? she was normal. functional. okay, not exactly, but close enough. normal-ish. functional-ish. so what about this was so hard? she'd had relationships before. so maybe brody -- which wasn't exactly a relationship so much as a slew of horrible life decisions -- hadn't ended so well and maybe west still hurt sometimes. but she'd grown up since then. she'd realized that people didn't need to agree with everything she did to love her and be loved by her. so it could be better, right? but then there was alex. alex the anomaly that should have been her first clue that doing this closed off thing was a stupid idea, because she'd be a liar if she said she didn't think about the what ifs sometimes.
was that where she wanted to be in a few months? dwelling in what ifs while akihiko moved on because he wasn't going to wait around forever for someone as damaged as claire?
that thought, that realization, was what had solidified her decision. no what ifs. no waiting for a lull in the slew of bad things that the castle went through. bad things were going to keep happening. that wasn't going to change, but the castle couldn't take everything from them, and lois was right. claire just couldn't let it when this was one thing she could take back if she could just get over herself and stop hiding behind the walls she'd never realized were built so high around herself.
and if nothing else, she owed him a better explanation than "it's not you, it's me." no matter how true that held. ]