Cleaning Out The Closet
The professor handed out the class waivers as I sat nervously in my seat, looking around the class at all the young, normal-body weight people around me.
I got the waiver and started to scan it. When I reached the second paragraph my heart sank to my toes as I read: "By signing this I confirm that I do not have any of the following physical conditions:" followed by a laundry list of physical conditions (any of which could have benefited from the class). Smack at the end of that list I see: "obesity, body fat ratio of >23% in men/>30% in women, and waist circumference being greater than hip circumference".
I had been a bit worried about registering for a PE class at my college in the first place. I feared that the professor would be disparaging or single me out based on my physical condition. I also worried that the other students would be (at best) disdainful or (at worst) downright cruel. I was stepping into the world of institutional Physical Education... and my previous experiences in that world had been scarring to say the least.
But I gave my worries the middle finger and registered anyhow. Participation in this class was part of my action plan for success in one of my other classes this quarter (Health and Wellness, where one of the final projects was to create and implement a wellness plan for ourselves.) Additionally, I wanted to add some structured physical activity to my long day of sitting in lecture and, hopefully, use the class as a vehicle to finally complete the c25k program I'd started and stopped a few times in the last year. Besides, to the people who ascribe to a traditional "thin is wonderful" mindset, what better candidate would there be for a class called Cardiovascular Conditioning than my fatabulous self?
But in reading the waiver all those worries came flooding back:
At the end of class, I approached the professor, pointed out the verbiage on the waiver and expressed my concern about putting my name on something that would amount to a lie. His initial response was not the most inspired. He sighed, looked at me and said: "Well, for you I just recommend giving it a try." Understanding myself well enough to know I might have been reading non-existent tone into his comment I further went on to discuss my current level of fitness with him and restated my concern, stressing the message that I knew I could do this, I just wanted to make sure he knew it too. He replied by explaining that the waiver is actually quite old and its verbiage hadn't been updated in some years. He also went on to say that this class commonly features a wide range of physical ability in it's students: everyone from 60-year olds, pregnant women, asthmatics and arthritis sufferers. Even morbidly obese people have participated. With that confirmation my worries were resolved and I went to the locker room to dress out for the rest of my classes.
This experience caused me to analyze my tendency to worry about how the people around me will react to my size. See, I've always worried about my size negatively impacting my interactions with others during daily life scenarios. Normal events like: doctor appointments, gym locker room interactions, group fitness/activity classes, family discussions, and leisure activities would all elicit an undercurrent of anxiety in my mind. I can cite several experiences during the course of my life that have reinforced this particular anxiety, but those experiences were not the root of the behavior - more they reinforced the need for the behavior and encouraged it to become a knee-jerk reaction for me. And, honestly, the core experience that started the downward spiral to where I am now is really not important - I can't go back and change what happened. What's important is that I see that this coping mechanism has become limiting and need to address the issue.
I am a firm believer in the power of honesty and importance of integrity as we walk through this life. I want to be the kind of person who, when people hear my name they think: "Wow... Sarah's just a great person to be around. She's intelligent, funny, honorable and loyal. The girl's got integrity." I want people to know that I am exactly who I say I am. With this in mind, how can I say I'm a Fat Activist when my initial, knee-jerk reaction is to shy away from being a visible example of a proud, fat woman who doesn't let her size get in the way of her goals? How can I say I'm a proponent of HAES when I'm not willing to stick my neck out and educate people about it... not only by talking about it but by living it?
Granted, knowing the problem does not mean the problem can be easily solved. It gives me a place to start at in trying to resolve the issue as well as a tentative map to follow as I navigate the path in correcting this behavior.
I got the waiver and started to scan it. When I reached the second paragraph my heart sank to my toes as I read: "By signing this I confirm that I do not have any of the following physical conditions:" followed by a laundry list of physical conditions (any of which could have benefited from the class). Smack at the end of that list I see: "obesity, body fat ratio of >23% in men/>30% in women, and waist circumference being greater than hip circumference".
I had been a bit worried about registering for a PE class at my college in the first place. I feared that the professor would be disparaging or single me out based on my physical condition. I also worried that the other students would be (at best) disdainful or (at worst) downright cruel. I was stepping into the world of institutional Physical Education... and my previous experiences in that world had been scarring to say the least.
But I gave my worries the middle finger and registered anyhow. Participation in this class was part of my action plan for success in one of my other classes this quarter (Health and Wellness, where one of the final projects was to create and implement a wellness plan for ourselves.) Additionally, I wanted to add some structured physical activity to my long day of sitting in lecture and, hopefully, use the class as a vehicle to finally complete the c25k program I'd started and stopped a few times in the last year. Besides, to the people who ascribe to a traditional "thin is wonderful" mindset, what better candidate would there be for a class called Cardiovascular Conditioning than my fatabulous self?
But in reading the waiver all those worries came flooding back:
- Was I now unworthy of participating in this class because I have a BMI of 52?
- Was I going to spend the rest of the quarter being the one all the students possessing "thin privelege" in the class titter about?
- Was the teacher going to laugh in my face and tell me to get out of a classroom?
At the end of class, I approached the professor, pointed out the verbiage on the waiver and expressed my concern about putting my name on something that would amount to a lie. His initial response was not the most inspired. He sighed, looked at me and said: "Well, for you I just recommend giving it a try." Understanding myself well enough to know I might have been reading non-existent tone into his comment I further went on to discuss my current level of fitness with him and restated my concern, stressing the message that I knew I could do this, I just wanted to make sure he knew it too. He replied by explaining that the waiver is actually quite old and its verbiage hadn't been updated in some years. He also went on to say that this class commonly features a wide range of physical ability in it's students: everyone from 60-year olds, pregnant women, asthmatics and arthritis sufferers. Even morbidly obese people have participated. With that confirmation my worries were resolved and I went to the locker room to dress out for the rest of my classes.
This experience caused me to analyze my tendency to worry about how the people around me will react to my size. See, I've always worried about my size negatively impacting my interactions with others during daily life scenarios. Normal events like: doctor appointments, gym locker room interactions, group fitness/activity classes, family discussions, and leisure activities would all elicit an undercurrent of anxiety in my mind. I can cite several experiences during the course of my life that have reinforced this particular anxiety, but those experiences were not the root of the behavior - more they reinforced the need for the behavior and encouraged it to become a knee-jerk reaction for me. And, honestly, the core experience that started the downward spiral to where I am now is really not important - I can't go back and change what happened. What's important is that I see that this coping mechanism has become limiting and need to address the issue.
I am a firm believer in the power of honesty and importance of integrity as we walk through this life. I want to be the kind of person who, when people hear my name they think: "Wow... Sarah's just a great person to be around. She's intelligent, funny, honorable and loyal. The girl's got integrity." I want people to know that I am exactly who I say I am. With this in mind, how can I say I'm a Fat Activist when my initial, knee-jerk reaction is to shy away from being a visible example of a proud, fat woman who doesn't let her size get in the way of her goals? How can I say I'm a proponent of HAES when I'm not willing to stick my neck out and educate people about it... not only by talking about it but by living it?
Granted, knowing the problem does not mean the problem can be easily solved. It gives me a place to start at in trying to resolve the issue as well as a tentative map to follow as I navigate the path in correcting this behavior.