its amazing to me how much can change in a year..
and so much can stay the same.
a year ago i was in high school, probably on one of the last days of classes, if not in finals week. and i remember thinking that i couldnt wait to get the hell out of here.
today im sitting around waiting for work to start this week. i cant wait to get the hell out of here. i had forgotten exactly how small my life was here. i hardly hung out with many people and that still hasnt changed. in a way i suppose its a good thing, because i dont have much in common with nearly all of the people i went to high school with. but im finding that as my life is changing from what it used to be, i have less in common with the friends i did have. for some reason i cant seem to adjust back to being who i used to be and the things i used to do. but thats probably because when i went to boston, it was the first time in my life that i felt ok with who i was, that i wasnt uncomfortable being around other people. and im having to deal with that all over again.
im having problems with this arrangement with cain too. thats definitely another big problem. he has this thing with keeping what goes on between us this big secret. now im not saying we should go around announcing what we do together. im just saying that...i dont know what im saying. i just dont like feeling like maybe hes ashamed of whats going on. ive also discovered that we arent really friends anymore. friends-atleast as far as i knew-went and did things together, beyond sitting around each others rooms and houses. we have never once left his house. he doesnt even know how to get to mine. and that bothers me. and we cant be friends really because true friends are not involved with each other in a physical sense. when that happens, the line between friendship and something more disappears. but were not a couple either, which makes me think that we only have this "arrangement." and yet that still doesnt make sense. nick and i had that and we never talked about as much stuff as cain and i do. since ive been home, weve talked about alot of stuff. things we never would have talked about before. so nothing makes sense and on top of it all i was realizing the other day that i havent been in a relationship in almost two years and im freaked out by that. its made me realize in full scale that ive grown out of my phase of one night stands and meaningless arrangements. i want something much more real. but im afraid at the same time. ben scared the hell out of me, used me, then stabbed me in the back. im so afraid of that happening again.
man im so fucking confused. and meanwhile, all i want to do is go home. i cant wait for next year, ill be where im most happy for the entire year. and it will be like from then on. i cant wait to claim a boston address as my permanent residence. i look forward to that more and more as these days drag by. its only been about 3 weeks, but it feels like months.
a year ago i was in high school, probably on one of the last days of classes, if not in finals week. and i remember thinking that i couldnt wait to get the hell out of here.
today im sitting around waiting for work to start this week. i cant wait to get the hell out of here. i had forgotten exactly how small my life was here. i hardly hung out with many people and that still hasnt changed. in a way i suppose its a good thing, because i dont have much in common with nearly all of the people i went to high school with. but im finding that as my life is changing from what it used to be, i have less in common with the friends i did have. for some reason i cant seem to adjust back to being who i used to be and the things i used to do. but thats probably because when i went to boston, it was the first time in my life that i felt ok with who i was, that i wasnt uncomfortable being around other people. and im having to deal with that all over again.
im having problems with this arrangement with cain too. thats definitely another big problem. he has this thing with keeping what goes on between us this big secret. now im not saying we should go around announcing what we do together. im just saying that...i dont know what im saying. i just dont like feeling like maybe hes ashamed of whats going on. ive also discovered that we arent really friends anymore. friends-atleast as far as i knew-went and did things together, beyond sitting around each others rooms and houses. we have never once left his house. he doesnt even know how to get to mine. and that bothers me. and we cant be friends really because true friends are not involved with each other in a physical sense. when that happens, the line between friendship and something more disappears. but were not a couple either, which makes me think that we only have this "arrangement." and yet that still doesnt make sense. nick and i had that and we never talked about as much stuff as cain and i do. since ive been home, weve talked about alot of stuff. things we never would have talked about before. so nothing makes sense and on top of it all i was realizing the other day that i havent been in a relationship in almost two years and im freaked out by that. its made me realize in full scale that ive grown out of my phase of one night stands and meaningless arrangements. i want something much more real. but im afraid at the same time. ben scared the hell out of me, used me, then stabbed me in the back. im so afraid of that happening again.
man im so fucking confused. and meanwhile, all i want to do is go home. i cant wait for next year, ill be where im most happy for the entire year. and it will be like from then on. i cant wait to claim a boston address as my permanent residence. i look forward to that more and more as these days drag by. its only been about 3 weeks, but it feels like months.