(no subject)
why am i doing this to myself? he was out of town for the last six days and as always i was at home, moping around, chainsmoking, just picking away at myself, really.
this whole week has been a single binge-party. i can feel myself gaining weight but i'm too scared to step on the scale that will confirm it.
i can feel myself spiraling down again. i'm fighting the urge to cut. i really really am. but it's making me tear out my hair, bite my nails, peel off skin. i swore to him that i would never take a blade as an escape again. i promised him. and it's a promise i've kept for almost a year now. i can't break it, i've come so far.
i'm disgusted with myself. i hate the way i can't let go of him. the way i keep letting him come back to me, shred me to pieces. he doesn't really care. i'm not sure if he knows what he wants. then again, neither do i. i do want him, but i want to feel GOOD about myself once in a while. i don't want to hear about my flaws every single day when it's bad enough that i've been picking them apart myself.
this whole week has been a single binge-party. i can feel myself gaining weight but i'm too scared to step on the scale that will confirm it.
i can feel myself spiraling down again. i'm fighting the urge to cut. i really really am. but it's making me tear out my hair, bite my nails, peel off skin. i swore to him that i would never take a blade as an escape again. i promised him. and it's a promise i've kept for almost a year now. i can't break it, i've come so far.
i'm disgusted with myself. i hate the way i can't let go of him. the way i keep letting him come back to me, shred me to pieces. he doesn't really care. i'm not sure if he knows what he wants. then again, neither do i. i do want him, but i want to feel GOOD about myself once in a while. i don't want to hear about my flaws every single day when it's bad enough that i've been picking them apart myself.