Liar Liar Pants on Fire
I feel like I'm lying to myself. An empty shell with nothing at all. AM I lying to myself?
I went out St Patty's Day, even though I was tired after work, even though I didn't want to deal with drunk fuckers on South Beach or the crowds or the incredibly ridiculous music they play at some of the bars. I went out because I felt I needed to. And luckily an old friend invited me out to a bar, this guy.. this guy, I could imagine myself married to him in the future because we are just that compatible.. He has the same personality traits, we like the same things, relaxing next to the bay, or on the roof of my apartment, and sometimes I feel that inkling of an attraction- but its not enough. Its not enough to start another complicated relationship, and really, I don't really want to be with him. I just feel we could be good together. Stuck in the friend zone I suppose, but that's okay.
I'm at this bar, the band playing is great, I have a beer in my hand and I could feel some guy stare at me. He's behind me and over the the left. Dark hair, a full beard, rugged in every way and its interesting because I was interested. All that dissipates when two women walk in.. Tall, short brown hair shaved to the sides and boots with spurs on her feet, I was distracted the rest of the night. Modest Mouse "Float On" comes on and just seeing her sway to it turns me the fuck on. The other girl she came in I'm sure was her girlfriend but I couldn't stop staring. I didn't make a move, although I'm pretty sure I could have. I was shy and insecure and really, I didn't think she saw me. It's really just about taking the first step though. I know this. I'm also seeing someone, a guy, that I have to remind myself is just a friend with benefits because I'm not getting anything emotional from him although it is nice to be with him. So why am I with him? I'm not sure. To avoid the truth? That I really am gay or bisexual or a Kinsley 5, whatever? That I really am alone? Why an I with someone that I cant share myself completely with, or that we don't create "memories"?
I want someone to cook for, someone to take a walk with, go to the beach with or the park. Someone to fucking go skydiving with, whatever. Just take me out, swing me around, make me fly.
If a couple walks in, I'll check out the girl.
I have dreams with women.
I'm pretty sure I was in love with an old girlfriend from middle school- or at least that's what my dreams are telling me.
I wish I could write this fast for the paper I am so completely avoiding right now.
I went out St Patty's Day, even though I was tired after work, even though I didn't want to deal with drunk fuckers on South Beach or the crowds or the incredibly ridiculous music they play at some of the bars. I went out because I felt I needed to. And luckily an old friend invited me out to a bar, this guy.. this guy, I could imagine myself married to him in the future because we are just that compatible.. He has the same personality traits, we like the same things, relaxing next to the bay, or on the roof of my apartment, and sometimes I feel that inkling of an attraction- but its not enough. Its not enough to start another complicated relationship, and really, I don't really want to be with him. I just feel we could be good together. Stuck in the friend zone I suppose, but that's okay.
I'm at this bar, the band playing is great, I have a beer in my hand and I could feel some guy stare at me. He's behind me and over the the left. Dark hair, a full beard, rugged in every way and its interesting because I was interested. All that dissipates when two women walk in.. Tall, short brown hair shaved to the sides and boots with spurs on her feet, I was distracted the rest of the night. Modest Mouse "Float On" comes on and just seeing her sway to it turns me the fuck on. The other girl she came in I'm sure was her girlfriend but I couldn't stop staring. I didn't make a move, although I'm pretty sure I could have. I was shy and insecure and really, I didn't think she saw me. It's really just about taking the first step though. I know this. I'm also seeing someone, a guy, that I have to remind myself is just a friend with benefits because I'm not getting anything emotional from him although it is nice to be with him. So why am I with him? I'm not sure. To avoid the truth? That I really am gay or bisexual or a Kinsley 5, whatever? That I really am alone? Why an I with someone that I cant share myself completely with, or that we don't create "memories"?
I want someone to cook for, someone to take a walk with, go to the beach with or the park. Someone to fucking go skydiving with, whatever. Just take me out, swing me around, make me fly.
If a couple walks in, I'll check out the girl.
I have dreams with women.
I'm pretty sure I was in love with an old girlfriend from middle school- or at least that's what my dreams are telling me.
I wish I could write this fast for the paper I am so completely avoiding right now.