I DIDN'T HEAR YOU LEAVE (IDHYL) : CHAPTER FIVE
Title : I dIdn’t Hear You Leave
Pairing: Sergio Ramos/ Fernando Torres
Fandom: RPF
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Real person fiction; Real person slash, angst,
Summary: a flashback into the events that lead to the present day situation. Plug Unravels
Notes:
hopefully this gives an insight to why Juan is the way he is with Fernando being over protective and all and why he is cold towards Sergio. This chapter is written is Fernando and Juan’s Point of View the next chapter would be told from Sergio and Navas’ point of view.
i want to thank those that are still reading for being patient with me and hopefully it would be worth your while. Thanks also on A03
PLUG 26/05/2013
PART 1
FERNANDO AND JUAN POV
"For you to be in a place you shouldn't be, in a country you said you couldn't be in and in that implicating situation"
***
"But it’s important to me Sergio, I want you here" Fernando said into the phone bewildered not knowing what else to say.
"Nando am sorry. I’m not free to travel this weekend, maybe the week after that" Sergio's voice sounded solid like he doesn't care.
"But you know how much effort I've put into this I've been planning for a while" Fernando replied without being hesitant
"sorry babe I know. It’s important to me too but i am really busy. Can’t be in London this weekend" Sergio’s tone sounded the same as it did before
"But I want you here!" Fernando said into the phone with an increased amount of irritation.
"Don't sound that way, I really tried to make it possible but my schedule doesn't look good we can do something later okay?"
“No it’s not okay” Fernando answered Sergio broken hearted.
“How Can you say that Sergio, what is more important than us?... “Tried to make it possible?” He quoted Sergio agitated
“When did we start trying? We don't try Sergio we just do. Or should I say I always do” Fernando said those words because he’s been feeling like all he does is give and Sergio just takes and doesn't care to return the favour
“Baby, i don't like it when you say things like that you know how much i love you and would do anything for you but right now i just can’t be with you”
Fernando goes quiet on the other end of the line because he doesn't know what else to do.
“I Love you" Sergio calls out when Fernando still didn't speak and ends the call.
*
It’s their anniversary in three days, nothing is working out the way they planned and it’s driving Fernando crazy. He wants to make this special and make a big deal but fate really is being a bitch.
The initial plan was to go back to "El nido de amor" the place they had their first date and first kiss when Sergio surprised him with the best date of his life.
It had been a good idea at the time and Sergio was in on it and very excited to do it, but when Fernando actually decided to go and view the place and make reservations there had been complications.
"El nido de amor" no longer existed. The restaurant that had run for years had shut down early in the year.
The place was taken over and was under new management, the new owners converted the whole thing into a private residential complex.
You could still see some old areas of the restaurant in the building like the pool, side walks and pavements that could be recognized but Fernando decided it would be awkward knocking at someone's home and asking to use it for your personal business.
After much lamentation and panic Fernando finally received a call that he was able to secure reservation at "Fino"; a high end restaurant in London fit for their anniversary, but the shocker was when Sergio canceled on him like it didn't matter.
He had to go through all that trouble just so they can be together but Sergio dint seem to care.
*
"He canceled on me. He said there is no way he could make it. Guess am not important" Fernando rests his case to his best mate
“Apparently we’ve gotten to that point in our relationship where we “TRY” to be there for each other. I feel so fucking stupid” Fernando with a sad chuckle at the end of his statement
"Am sure whatever is keeping Sergio from being with you must be important, it’s his anniversary too remember?"
Juan tries to sound as positive as possible knowing his best friend has a tendency to over think things.
"I know but I still can't believe Sergio wouldn't drop everything to come be with me, you know I would, no matter how important it is. And it’s making me think that what if he doesn't love me as much as I love him" he put the phone on speaker and lay on his back across the sofa starring into the ceiling.
"Oh common Nando I know where this is going. There is no way Sergio is seeing someone else you're over thinking it"
"I don't know. He's never canceled on me before except for that time before we started dating and it was all a fake but this..." Fernando paused "I don't know" he trails off still staring into the thing air while thoughts of different kinds take over his sanity.
"You know what? Why don't I be your date for 26th, I'll take you out to dinner.” Juan says over the phone casually but with so much care in his voice.
The words coming from the phone gets Fernando’s attention. He sat up suddenly, grabbed his phone, removed it from speaker and pressed it against his ear.
“But you have a thing you wanted to do on that day?” Fernando tried to protest “I don't want you missing an important event because my boyfriend bailed on me, i can manage”
“It’s alright, am not obligated to be there anyway, and no one should be alone on their anniversary. Besides, it would be a shame to waste all that money you spent booking that place. And after dinner I would take you to a nice club so you dance out your frustration"
Fernando laughed into the phone.
"Okay, that sounds like fun can’t remember the last time i went dancing"
Fernando ended the call with a huge smile on his face. He won’t be alone after all and he would still celebrate whatever there was to celebrate.
*
Their anniversary finally rolled around. Although Fernando had activities lined up, not having Sergio with him made most of the day a bust and a terrible roller Coaster. But it was great to have Juan there to pull him back a bit and tell him its okay to have fun without Sergio.
They went to "Fino" earlier and had the amazing meals Fernando was suppose to share with Sergio. It wasn't awkward at all except for that one time when the individual handling his reservation details said congratulations to Juan on his anniversary.
But what Fernando was looking forward to was this famous underground club called "PLUG".
*
"Wow! This place is amazing how come I've never been here"
Fernando exclaimed looking around the so called plug before his brain registered that he is in a gay bar, the mother of all gay bars.
It was obvious how excited and amazed Fernando was from the size of his eyes when he continued to look around like a novice ready to explore.He dint know a club could have so many sections and every one of those sections had a different theme with a different music playing.
The first room Fernando wandered into is a large room with two large bar stands made up of glowing lights at all edges, which gave the room a bioluminescence effect. It also had a jive drive and a calmer atmosphere.
There were few people dancing and others just hanging around but it wasn't crowded. Fernando observed that the people in this area were mostly drinking and chatting to each other but they dint seem like they’ve known each other long. Its almost like the outer room where you come and look at the person you've been dancing with in good lighting to make sure the lights dint play on your vision and then exchange phone numbers or just suck their faces.
There was another room that was twice the size of this room and it was crowded to the max. There were sweaty bodies everywhere, bumping into each other but no one cared all they wanted to do was have fun.
There were different kinds of props and people wearing costumes that depicted some sort of good and evil theme because they mostly wore black and white and he started wandering because halloween is not even close.
There were little stages at every corner with the hottest gogo dancers Fernando's ever seen or the only he's seen up close wearing some amazing costumes dancing in the most enticing way and Fernando was intrigued.
His curiosity was put to rest when Juan explained to him that today was “the battle of the angels” a theme where people can either choose to be an angel of darkness or an angel of light.
There was this one gogo dancer in an angel of light costume that Fernando couldn't stop looking at. He was locked away in a cage but was getting the most attention, people couldn't touch him but those interested were throwing crumpled money into his tiny cage while he danced and moved his hips in a seductive manner. The whole scenery fascinated Fernando he kept looking in amusement.
It was everything a club should be. It was everything he needed. Just like this imaginary world where weird things happen but its still fun and entertaining, With different kinds of people having their fun and dancing the way they know how to, even if it doesn't follow the music.
Curious, Fernando found another room. The third room had more of a sexy pill to it. It’s filled with all the drunken people who are horny as hell and can't stop groping at each other. Its also got comfortable surfaces like large couches and high tables where inappropriate dry humping and groping can take place. Fernando gave Juan a “is this place for real” look. Because he’s never seen a place more fun.
The lighting in this room was very deem and of a boring colour mixture made to give people the comfort of being hidden, you could hardly see who it was except you really knew who they were or the neon lights spin to their faces.
The room was created to play on the mind, “what would you do if you were in the dark and no one saw you and no was knew who you were” Fernando saw a quote written in glow in the dark body paint on the wall and he grins to himself. All he could think was that Sergio would love it here.
Fernando was beginning to notice that the place was bigger than he initially thought and there were some rooms he hadn't surveys when he got distracted by a very firm hand on his bottom and he flipped out almost hitting the person but stopped himself in time.
"Oh honey you’re so uptight, I take it you've never been plugged"
Some drag queen says to Fernando after she squeezed his butt
"Excuse me?" Is all Fernando could say with the most irritated look he could muster.
The drag queen turned to Juan who was snickering behind Fernando
"Your man is a total eye candy but he's too uptight you need to let him loose or you're not getting any" the drag queen points to the bar and winks at Juan misunderstanding again just like the guy at the restaurant.
"By the way it’s Neon Pebbles" and she walks away smiling
"Thanks I will Neon pebbles" following orders Juan pulls Fernando to go get drinks just so he can loosen up and enjoy himself”
“Who calls themselves neon pebbles?" Fernando says allowing Juan drag him to the bar
*
After a few rounds of Vodka Fernando starts talking but this time a bit intoxicated.
"What did he... She mean about being plugged?" Fernando says self conscious which makes Juan laugh.
"Nothing serious, she's just pointing out that you are a "plug" virgin, you are so uptight any one can tell it’s your first time here"
"I just don't like people groping me" Fernando defends
"No..." Juan instigates
"you are just thinking about your anniversary, a little grope never harmed nobody" Juan says winking at Fernando
"By the way, I heard your little chit chat about getting a piece of this"
Fernando gestures to his body and leans closer to Juan's lips
"Not happening" he says laughing
"Fucking tease" Juan slurs
"Well, am not that into you or I'll totally take advantage of you because you are stupidly drunk.
"Aww how romantic" Fernando commends
They both laugh at their joke and Fernando more than necessary because he's drunk so Juan asks one of the guys at the bar for a glass of tap water and ice. He helps Fernando down the glass and led him to an area to sit for a bit.
"Wrong table" Juan thinks to himself when he see's what they sat close to. "An engagement"
The guy next to Fernando was telling another guy that he loves him and he's been in love with him since high school and when he accepted to date him his world became complete and now he wants to be close to him forever and always be with him, they just started kissing from there and everyone went "awwwwwwwwwww"
Juan looked at Fernando's face and he's all blurry eyed.
"What now?"
"He dint even call to say happy anniversary, or tell me he loved me or a text message nothing" Fernando stood up walking back to the bar
"Am sorry Nando, I really am. Did you try to call him?"
"No I just can't speak to him right now. I can't believe he forgot, I can't believe Sergio would do this." Fernando breaks down but not to the point of drawing attention to him self.
Fernando was beginning to accept the fact that Sergio wouldn't be with him for their anniversary but it hurts more now. Acknowledging the reality of his situation that Sergio had a choice but chose to be away from him and that Sergio haven't called him at all today to wish him a happy anniversary like they hadn't spent almost a decade as a couple.
"Hey look at me"
Juan puts both hands on Fernando's face few inches away from his, whipping tears of Fernando’s face with hi thumbs.
"Am here for you and am always going to be here for you. Sergio loves you very much and I know where ever he is he is regretting this because he misses you. It’s a shame he can't be in London but he will be next week"
Fernando moved closer dropping a chaste kiss on Juan’s lips and hugging him tight both lasting a little longer than necessary because he really needs the comfort.
"Thank you Juan I don't know what I'll do without you"
Juan hugs him back and Fernando holds him longer with their heads pressed together "thanks Juan, I just hope he is okay. I miss him so much I just pray he is okay"
The weirdest thoughts pop into Fernando’s head. It is very unlikely for Sergio to act like this or treat him this way except somethings had happened to him. but juan knows Fernando too well and he isin't ready to let him fall of the edge anytime soon.
"He is okay am sure he is somewhere thinking about you. now I want you to be happy, we can go out to try his phone or you can dance with me. Juan says quietly without moving their position. Fernando turned and faced him with intensity in his eyes.
“I will dance, he decided to ditch me in the first place he can go fuck himself”
*
After an hour of dancing Fernando complains that his feet are hurting. And Juan can only think "what a drama queen, its not like he's got heels on maybe he should be the one called Neon Pebbles"
So Juan pulls him to the other part of plug to sit in order to avoid the newly engaged couple they stumbled into before. As they searched for a place for Fernando to rest his aching feet the stumble into the sexy pill room with the manipulated lights
As they get into the bigger and darker room Fernando was actually excited to see the “plugged” drag queen called Neon Pebbles.
"Look who finally got plugged eh?" he says to her causing the drag queen, Juan and couple of people around them to laugh
Juan feels accomplished at this point; he has done his job as a friend, he took care of Fernando and now he can see how happy and exited he is to be having fun and mixing up with everyone and just enjoying the moment not thinking about the hard stuff.
"Well I see you are a natural aren't you” She teased and squeezed his butt again but this time he giggled in appreciation
"Nice ass, cute bubble butt just like my boys on the podiums" she whispers to Fernando pointing to the gogo dancers
But something else distracted him from her second compliment
"Is that?" Fernando stops shell shocked when he saw what he saw, totally ignoring Juan and Neon Pebbles.
"It couldn't be, He is in Madrid he can't be here... No way" Fernando thinks out loud trying to convince himself that he is actually not seeing what his eyes are gazing upon.
"You know those two?” The drag queen says to Fernando.
“They've been going at it for a while now. Tried to tell them there is an inner room for things like that but the fire cracker nailing the small guy to the wall isint having it. He tried to bite my head off. He is so uptight"... She paused and looked at Fernando
"A lot like you when I first met you".
Juan peered forward as the lights rotate towards the two people pressed against the wall kissing passionately, trying to get a view of what Neon pebbles and Fernando where talking about.
He couldn't believe what he saw, that tattoo, that hair, everything, its Sergio fucking Ramos but it got worse. The person being pressed against the wall with his hand around his Lovers neck is Jesus Navas.
"Please get me out of here" Fernando gasped out like he was about to die
"You know them?"
Neon Pebbles asked confused
"That fire cracker is his Fucking Boyfriend and it’s their anniversary today which he canceled because he is supposed to be in a meeting in Madrid"
Juan says to Neon Pebbles as he guides a teary eyed Fernando out of plug.
*
Juan decided to take Fernando to his place that night.
The ride to Juan’s house was quiet. He dint know what was going through Fernando's mind but he could see from his demeanour that Fernando has grown 10 times worse. He’s not just sad that Sergio handled him like he dint matter, or blew him off for some meeting or totally ignored their anniversary. Fernando is just shocked that Sergio is cheating on him all his speculations are true and Juan is just shocked too.
It’s not something anyone wants to happen to do them. No one wants to witness the person that they care about holding another the way Sergio was holding Navas that being on the same day of your anniversary with another friend of yours is awful.
***
When they arrived at Juans' place Fernando walked slowly to Juan’s bed room. He dropped on the floor by the bed like a log, breathing hard and heavy with his vision clouded by tears.
Fernando’s constant struggle to breathe and cry at the same time was so loud it echoed around the house. From the sound of his voice you could read that it hurts so much, that he is in a state of confusion; not knowing whether to cry silently or scream in horror.
Fernando kept having the feeling like there is a fire burning through his veins inside of him, like something is moving around in his body and it hurts so much and the only solution is to get it out by cutting himself open reach inside his body and pull it out. But Fernando knows this feeling two well, ITS HIS MIND PLAYING TRICKS ON HIM AGAIN once he makes the first cut and he see’s the crimson colour, he gets a little bit of relief but he doesn't know how to stop. He keeps going because he feels the more he lets it out it would stop but it doesn't actually stop.
Fernando tried so hard not to scream, tried to breathe and calm down just to take control of his body and what he allows himself to feel but he kept seeing the image of what he just witnessed. He felt like the biggest fool. He’s been the joke all this while and he never knew it. The frustration kept growing on him and the feeling of the pain burning below his skin flowing all over his body intensified and Fernando started pulling at his hair strenously.
He could barely feel the pain he was inflicting on himself because his emotions have been masked by the pain that was not physical. Fernando had cut his hair short so he dint have enough hair to pull on.
Although, his face turned a deep shade of pink and his eyes began to water Fernando was not getting the result he craved so he started twisting his ankles partly because he is nervous but also because he just feels the need to control the pain, by causing a physical pain that he can control in order to distract him from what is really going on inside.
***
Few Minutes later Juan comes rushing into the room after locking up everywhere and finds Fernando on the floor. When Juan saw Fernando’s state he took his time to observe the surrounding environment.
Because of his relationship with Fernando and the knowledge of Fernando’s situation, Juan has read a lot of pamphlets on Fernando’s condition, both useful and useless just to gather as much information as he could and better manage the situation if any arises.
He read somewhere that when someone with such a history as Fernando does have a breakdown, the first thing to do as a friend or family around is to survey the environment and clear anything that they could use as a tool to aid their purpose at that time.
Juan doesn't know how ethical this information is but its better to be careful that sorry. Juan began to clear out the metal hangers that he scattered on the bed when he was selecting his outfit and removed his shaving razors from sight. Juan quickly locked them away in the bathroom before coming to sit behind Fernando on the floor. Juan put his arms around Fernando and placed his hand on Fernando’s wrists’ that were wrapped around his ankle and held them still.
“STOP” Juan tells Fernando firmly
“But it hurts!” Fernando cries out like a helpless child, tears streaming down his eyes without control.
“Hey, you are making it worse, your ankles are burning hot and your knuckles look sore. Nando you are hurting yourself” Fernando doesn't stop he started to use his fingers to dig into the skin on his ankles.
Juan holds him tight burying his face in Fernando’s shoulder. He knows it could be worse, he knows Fernando is holding back and he is proud of him that he is trying so hard. Apart from his parents and Sergio, Juan is the only other person that had seen Fernando at his worst and it’s not good.
When he first knew about Fernando’s self harm, he had this idea that it was all about cutting. But after knowing him for a longer period of time, listening to his parents and Sergio try to explain it and also going to therapy with Fernando, he understood that the bigger problem was within and no matter what people with self harm do to themselves on the outside it cant be compared to the turmoil they faced inside.
Fernando suffered from depression and self loathing as a young teenager. He went through a lot even before he was 14. He was bullied by his peers for being unpopular and being very slim. They always teased him that he would snap like a twig if he ever tried to get on the pitch and play football with them and if he dint they would make sure he did.
Being a young teenager and having to go through bullying of different kinds was so much for Fernando he started to withdraw. But his problem spearheaded when he found out that he dint like girls, he discovered that when he makes contact with a boy he feels things and wants things that you should only want with a girl and the confusion ate him from the inside out. He believed what people were saying about people like him that he was sick and deserved to die, this made him loathe himself more and he sought self harm as an avenue for relief.
Juan realised after watching Fernando that most people he knew in high school and thought they were okay were actually never okay because with Fernando he now knew that so many things he’s seen before and just waved off like its nothing, could actually be classified as self harm, that self harm is not just about the cutting.
There was the time when he repeatedly saw burn marks on Fernando’s arm and thighs and Fernando would give a flimsy excuse of how he got the burn and he would just forgo it, or when he would be found with sore knuckles like he’s been punching a wall and he would say he got the injury from boxing training. Or his excessive training in the gym, everyone would commend his dedication not knowing it was one of the ways Fernando devised to punish himself.
Juan had never experienced anything as bad as the story Fernando’s parents told him. They had found Fernando hiding under his bed lying in the pool of his own blood on his 16th birthday after receiving a message from someone telling him “no one will ever love you, you are damaged and damaged goods deserve to be treated like shit and thrown away, i can’t believe you thought i was into you”.
Juan looked at Fernando’s ankles again and saw an area that had been covered in blood under one of Fernando’s fingers and he got scared.
“Nando you have to stop this now, i care about you... What is going to happen to me if i loose you? Do you think about that when you start hurting yourself? or Your parents, your siblings? How do you want us to cope without you in our lives... i hate to see you hurts yourself because you are hurting me too”
Fernando stopped suddenly and kept sobbing until he went quiet. They sat like that on the floor with his back resting on Juan’s chest for a few minutes until Fernando calmed down and was ready to talk.
*
"What the fuck just happened?"
Fernando asked Juan like he has answers after he’s cooled off a bit. He stood up from the floor and starts taking off his clothes.
"You saw it too right? I wasn't hallucinating... That was Sergio right?"
"Maybe they were just-"
"No... Fucking No. Juan don't! don't make excuses for him to make me feel better, tell me how it is" Fernando sat on Juan’s bed to take of his jeans.
"Fernando I -"
"FUCKING TELL ME” He screamed with so much rage even Juan was shocked.
Juan has been friends with Fernando for so long and he knows what he's being asked to do. It hurts but that's the only way to get Fernando to actually calm down at least for a while. Pain, he uses pain against pain, whether physical or psychological.
"Okay, just calm down... He's not suppose to be there, he wasn't suppose to be in this country at all, he told you his schedule was full till next week"
Juan stops to check on Fernando
"Keep going I want to know how it looks from a third party so I know i’m not insane"
"He canceled your anniversary, dint call, dint text, all of a sudden you find him in a club in the same country he said he couldn't be in, kissing and groping another bloke like his life depended on it"
"Okay, thanks"
Fernando lays down to sleep off without saying a word.
"Want me to talk to him? I'll call him and ask him why he did it. He has no right to treat you the way he did. You don't deserve that" Juan feels like he’s not allowed to be upset because Fernando can get upset for the both of them but he really do think that was out of order and he just couldn't ignore it.
“I can't deal with him right now"
"Fernando, I feel bad, I've been feeding you with hope and telling you all this things I feel like I have to fix this. I should talk to him and put things straight"
"No Juan I will talk to him myself, better if I do it, but not now just come to bed i don't want to talk about Sergio my head hurts"
Juan knows to some people their relationship may seem a bit weird but there is really nothing to it. They've never fancied each other in that way and they’ve never done anything out of the ordinary. They kiss each other sometimes on the lips which he knows look a lot weird but really they feel nothing, they sleep on they same bed, they curdle and act like an old married couple but they've never done anything or played on their friendship and he thinks its what makes their relationship stronger, he knows sometimes Sergio feels insecure around him but really he has nothing to worry about. But now he can also feel the pain Fernando is going through because he knows how in love with Sergio, Fernando is.
"Fine, just promise me you will sort it and talk to him, I hate seeing you like this"
Juan finds Fernando something from his closet to change into.
"Yeah, as long as you promise not to call Sergio or act weird when you see him or Navas this is between me and him I don't want you getting dragged in"
Fernando replied with red puffy eyes as he slips into what Juan handed him.Juan looks at his best friend who looked so traumatised and just gives in.
"Fine... I'll let you handle it. Unless I feel like I need to step in. You know I care too much"
"Yeah I do... Come here"
Juan joins Fernando in bed and holds him close to himself its been one hell of an anniversary.
"Thanks for being here for me Juan" after sometime when it feels like Fernando had slept, he whispers in a sadistic tone
“Happy Anniversary to Me”
***
When Juan woke up in the morning the other side of the bed was empty and Fernando was gone. Juan jumped out of bed and started screaming Fernando’s name on remembering the incident of the previous night.
He quickly did a sweep of his apartment but still couldn’t find Fernando. He had searched the living area, the kitchen, the bathrooms, guest rooms even the pantry but no Fernando. Juan hurried back to his room to get dressed so he could check outside on the streets “maybe Fernando decided to leave” and then he hears the water running in the his master bathroom.
“Fernando! Fernando. Are you in there?”
Juan calls out moving closer to the bathroom door because the running water was steady but there was no sound of movement. Juan was hesitant to open the door because his mind was doing cat wheels giving him scenarios of what he might see when he opens the door and all were nothing he wished to set his eyes upon.
Juan finally gathered courage.
He turned the knob and it opened freely. The sight that met Juan left him emotionless, frozen with shock and breathless. It felt like his heart had been ripped out of his body in fear, the pain was there but he couldn't feel it because his heart was gone and his mind and eyes were fixed on a more brutal image. An image that he wished was a dream, an image he never wanted to be in a position to witness.
Fernando was lying with one hand hanging out the bathtub while his other hand and the whole of his body was immersed in the crimson coloured water. The water Fernando was lying in had turned a deep red colour and Juan dint know where to look or what to do.
Juan finally snapped out of it and ran to Fernando. When his head started working he decided to search for the affected area. Juan quickly fished out Fernando’s other hand from inside the tub to check for the source of the blood but it was clean just like the other. Then it hit Juan that Fernando had always been discrete about his situation, he dint want anyone knowing about his business.
Juan decided to get Fernando out of the water because his hands were very cold. Juan pulled Fernando’s whole body out of the bath and settled his naked body on the bathroom floor.
Inspecting Fernando’s body, he saw the source of the blood. Fernando had cut a vain on his left ankle. Juan quickly ripped his t-shirt and used it to tie Fernando’s ankle to stop him from loosing anymore blood, he took a huge warm towel from and spread it over Fernando. When Juan was sure he had secured the bleeding and Fernando’s body was getting some warmth, he clasped both hands on Fernando’s slapping him lightly on both cheeks to wake him up.
Fernando!... Nando! Nando! Come on!... please open your eyes... say something...Oh God” but Fernando was unresponsive.
“Come on Nando… Come on… open your eyes, blink, squeeze my hand, anything, please” Juan was losing his mind before he remembered to check Fernando’s pulse. Juan put his head on Fernando’s chest, Held his wrist and checked the movement of Fernando’s chest. He did everything that he knew would give him an answer, when he was satisfied that Fernando was still with him he got out his phone to make a call.
“Hey John, it’s me Juan please I need a favour, I need a doctor at my apartment with everything possible please it’s an emergency” Juan talked so fast into the phone it was almost impossible for the person at the other end of the line to totally understand him.
“...no I can’t call for an ambulance…it… it was an attempted suicide. I Don’t want to get the press involved. If they get a hold of this its going to go wide...” “No not me…please can you send your brother?. “… okay Thanks as soon as possible please”
“What am i doing, i should have just called an ambulance” Juan thought out loud. But he knows he couldn’t call an ambulance because it would be what the press would be talking about forever. it would overshadow every good thing Fernando has done in his career. He would be remembered as the footballer who almost committed suicide and not that the amazing person with a beautiful talent that he is. But Juan can’t let that happen.
“As he crouched down to hold Fernando, Fernando opened his eyed with tears flowing without control. “i’m...I’m so sorry...Juan please forgive me” Fernando tried to appologize for what he’s done. He wasn’t thinking at all, he didn’t mean to hurt anyone he just wanted stop hurting.
“shhhhhh... don't talk... just look at me... stay with me, help is coming okay” Juan say wiping the tears off his face and patting Fernando’s head from the tip of his fore head back to his hair.
“You stay strong okay? I’m gonna get you through this. I’m here fore you. I love you, I care for you, you are important. You are very important to me. I won’t leave you… you hear me? I won’t fucking leave you” Juan says as the tears starts to flow from his own eyes.
Juan continued to say words of encouragement to Fernando reminding him that he is loved so that Fernando could have a reason to fight, being that he had lost a lot of blood and Juan doesn't know how this works. He is not a doctor so he can’t say anything, all he knows is that Fernando’s face is so pale his freckles are more visible than ever and to him it looks like his best friend is dying slowly.
But Fernando looks up at him with his eyes barely open and nods... before gripping Juan’s hand and squeezing tight while they wait for the paramedic to arrive.
Pairing: Sergio Ramos/ Fernando Torres
Fandom: RPF
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Real person fiction; Real person slash, angst,
Summary: a flashback into the events that lead to the present day situation. Plug Unravels
Notes:
hopefully this gives an insight to why Juan is the way he is with Fernando being over protective and all and why he is cold towards Sergio. This chapter is written is Fernando and Juan’s Point of View the next chapter would be told from Sergio and Navas’ point of view.
i want to thank those that are still reading for being patient with me and hopefully it would be worth your while. Thanks also on A03
PLUG 26/05/2013
PART 1
FERNANDO AND JUAN POV
"For you to be in a place you shouldn't be, in a country you said you couldn't be in and in that implicating situation"
***
"But it’s important to me Sergio, I want you here" Fernando said into the phone bewildered not knowing what else to say.
"Nando am sorry. I’m not free to travel this weekend, maybe the week after that" Sergio's voice sounded solid like he doesn't care.
"But you know how much effort I've put into this I've been planning for a while" Fernando replied without being hesitant
"sorry babe I know. It’s important to me too but i am really busy. Can’t be in London this weekend" Sergio’s tone sounded the same as it did before
"But I want you here!" Fernando said into the phone with an increased amount of irritation.
"Don't sound that way, I really tried to make it possible but my schedule doesn't look good we can do something later okay?"
“No it’s not okay” Fernando answered Sergio broken hearted.
“How Can you say that Sergio, what is more important than us?... “Tried to make it possible?” He quoted Sergio agitated
“When did we start trying? We don't try Sergio we just do. Or should I say I always do” Fernando said those words because he’s been feeling like all he does is give and Sergio just takes and doesn't care to return the favour
“Baby, i don't like it when you say things like that you know how much i love you and would do anything for you but right now i just can’t be with you”
Fernando goes quiet on the other end of the line because he doesn't know what else to do.
“I Love you" Sergio calls out when Fernando still didn't speak and ends the call.
*
It’s their anniversary in three days, nothing is working out the way they planned and it’s driving Fernando crazy. He wants to make this special and make a big deal but fate really is being a bitch.
The initial plan was to go back to "El nido de amor" the place they had their first date and first kiss when Sergio surprised him with the best date of his life.
It had been a good idea at the time and Sergio was in on it and very excited to do it, but when Fernando actually decided to go and view the place and make reservations there had been complications.
"El nido de amor" no longer existed. The restaurant that had run for years had shut down early in the year.
The place was taken over and was under new management, the new owners converted the whole thing into a private residential complex.
You could still see some old areas of the restaurant in the building like the pool, side walks and pavements that could be recognized but Fernando decided it would be awkward knocking at someone's home and asking to use it for your personal business.
After much lamentation and panic Fernando finally received a call that he was able to secure reservation at "Fino"; a high end restaurant in London fit for their anniversary, but the shocker was when Sergio canceled on him like it didn't matter.
He had to go through all that trouble just so they can be together but Sergio dint seem to care.
*
"He canceled on me. He said there is no way he could make it. Guess am not important" Fernando rests his case to his best mate
“Apparently we’ve gotten to that point in our relationship where we “TRY” to be there for each other. I feel so fucking stupid” Fernando with a sad chuckle at the end of his statement
"Am sure whatever is keeping Sergio from being with you must be important, it’s his anniversary too remember?"
Juan tries to sound as positive as possible knowing his best friend has a tendency to over think things.
"I know but I still can't believe Sergio wouldn't drop everything to come be with me, you know I would, no matter how important it is. And it’s making me think that what if he doesn't love me as much as I love him" he put the phone on speaker and lay on his back across the sofa starring into the ceiling.
"Oh common Nando I know where this is going. There is no way Sergio is seeing someone else you're over thinking it"
"I don't know. He's never canceled on me before except for that time before we started dating and it was all a fake but this..." Fernando paused "I don't know" he trails off still staring into the thing air while thoughts of different kinds take over his sanity.
"You know what? Why don't I be your date for 26th, I'll take you out to dinner.” Juan says over the phone casually but with so much care in his voice.
The words coming from the phone gets Fernando’s attention. He sat up suddenly, grabbed his phone, removed it from speaker and pressed it against his ear.
“But you have a thing you wanted to do on that day?” Fernando tried to protest “I don't want you missing an important event because my boyfriend bailed on me, i can manage”
“It’s alright, am not obligated to be there anyway, and no one should be alone on their anniversary. Besides, it would be a shame to waste all that money you spent booking that place. And after dinner I would take you to a nice club so you dance out your frustration"
Fernando laughed into the phone.
"Okay, that sounds like fun can’t remember the last time i went dancing"
Fernando ended the call with a huge smile on his face. He won’t be alone after all and he would still celebrate whatever there was to celebrate.
*
Their anniversary finally rolled around. Although Fernando had activities lined up, not having Sergio with him made most of the day a bust and a terrible roller Coaster. But it was great to have Juan there to pull him back a bit and tell him its okay to have fun without Sergio.
They went to "Fino" earlier and had the amazing meals Fernando was suppose to share with Sergio. It wasn't awkward at all except for that one time when the individual handling his reservation details said congratulations to Juan on his anniversary.
But what Fernando was looking forward to was this famous underground club called "PLUG".
*
"Wow! This place is amazing how come I've never been here"
Fernando exclaimed looking around the so called plug before his brain registered that he is in a gay bar, the mother of all gay bars.
It was obvious how excited and amazed Fernando was from the size of his eyes when he continued to look around like a novice ready to explore.He dint know a club could have so many sections and every one of those sections had a different theme with a different music playing.
The first room Fernando wandered into is a large room with two large bar stands made up of glowing lights at all edges, which gave the room a bioluminescence effect. It also had a jive drive and a calmer atmosphere.
There were few people dancing and others just hanging around but it wasn't crowded. Fernando observed that the people in this area were mostly drinking and chatting to each other but they dint seem like they’ve known each other long. Its almost like the outer room where you come and look at the person you've been dancing with in good lighting to make sure the lights dint play on your vision and then exchange phone numbers or just suck their faces.
There was another room that was twice the size of this room and it was crowded to the max. There were sweaty bodies everywhere, bumping into each other but no one cared all they wanted to do was have fun.
There were different kinds of props and people wearing costumes that depicted some sort of good and evil theme because they mostly wore black and white and he started wandering because halloween is not even close.
There were little stages at every corner with the hottest gogo dancers Fernando's ever seen or the only he's seen up close wearing some amazing costumes dancing in the most enticing way and Fernando was intrigued.
His curiosity was put to rest when Juan explained to him that today was “the battle of the angels” a theme where people can either choose to be an angel of darkness or an angel of light.
There was this one gogo dancer in an angel of light costume that Fernando couldn't stop looking at. He was locked away in a cage but was getting the most attention, people couldn't touch him but those interested were throwing crumpled money into his tiny cage while he danced and moved his hips in a seductive manner. The whole scenery fascinated Fernando he kept looking in amusement.
It was everything a club should be. It was everything he needed. Just like this imaginary world where weird things happen but its still fun and entertaining, With different kinds of people having their fun and dancing the way they know how to, even if it doesn't follow the music.
Curious, Fernando found another room. The third room had more of a sexy pill to it. It’s filled with all the drunken people who are horny as hell and can't stop groping at each other. Its also got comfortable surfaces like large couches and high tables where inappropriate dry humping and groping can take place. Fernando gave Juan a “is this place for real” look. Because he’s never seen a place more fun.
The lighting in this room was very deem and of a boring colour mixture made to give people the comfort of being hidden, you could hardly see who it was except you really knew who they were or the neon lights spin to their faces.
The room was created to play on the mind, “what would you do if you were in the dark and no one saw you and no was knew who you were” Fernando saw a quote written in glow in the dark body paint on the wall and he grins to himself. All he could think was that Sergio would love it here.
Fernando was beginning to notice that the place was bigger than he initially thought and there were some rooms he hadn't surveys when he got distracted by a very firm hand on his bottom and he flipped out almost hitting the person but stopped himself in time.
"Oh honey you’re so uptight, I take it you've never been plugged"
Some drag queen says to Fernando after she squeezed his butt
"Excuse me?" Is all Fernando could say with the most irritated look he could muster.
The drag queen turned to Juan who was snickering behind Fernando
"Your man is a total eye candy but he's too uptight you need to let him loose or you're not getting any" the drag queen points to the bar and winks at Juan misunderstanding again just like the guy at the restaurant.
"By the way it’s Neon Pebbles" and she walks away smiling
"Thanks I will Neon pebbles" following orders Juan pulls Fernando to go get drinks just so he can loosen up and enjoy himself”
“Who calls themselves neon pebbles?" Fernando says allowing Juan drag him to the bar
*
After a few rounds of Vodka Fernando starts talking but this time a bit intoxicated.
"What did he... She mean about being plugged?" Fernando says self conscious which makes Juan laugh.
"Nothing serious, she's just pointing out that you are a "plug" virgin, you are so uptight any one can tell it’s your first time here"
"I just don't like people groping me" Fernando defends
"No..." Juan instigates
"you are just thinking about your anniversary, a little grope never harmed nobody" Juan says winking at Fernando
"By the way, I heard your little chit chat about getting a piece of this"
Fernando gestures to his body and leans closer to Juan's lips
"Not happening" he says laughing
"Fucking tease" Juan slurs
"Well, am not that into you or I'll totally take advantage of you because you are stupidly drunk.
"Aww how romantic" Fernando commends
They both laugh at their joke and Fernando more than necessary because he's drunk so Juan asks one of the guys at the bar for a glass of tap water and ice. He helps Fernando down the glass and led him to an area to sit for a bit.
"Wrong table" Juan thinks to himself when he see's what they sat close to. "An engagement"
The guy next to Fernando was telling another guy that he loves him and he's been in love with him since high school and when he accepted to date him his world became complete and now he wants to be close to him forever and always be with him, they just started kissing from there and everyone went "awwwwwwwwwww"
Juan looked at Fernando's face and he's all blurry eyed.
"What now?"
"He dint even call to say happy anniversary, or tell me he loved me or a text message nothing" Fernando stood up walking back to the bar
"Am sorry Nando, I really am. Did you try to call him?"
"No I just can't speak to him right now. I can't believe he forgot, I can't believe Sergio would do this." Fernando breaks down but not to the point of drawing attention to him self.
Fernando was beginning to accept the fact that Sergio wouldn't be with him for their anniversary but it hurts more now. Acknowledging the reality of his situation that Sergio had a choice but chose to be away from him and that Sergio haven't called him at all today to wish him a happy anniversary like they hadn't spent almost a decade as a couple.
"Hey look at me"
Juan puts both hands on Fernando's face few inches away from his, whipping tears of Fernando’s face with hi thumbs.
"Am here for you and am always going to be here for you. Sergio loves you very much and I know where ever he is he is regretting this because he misses you. It’s a shame he can't be in London but he will be next week"
Fernando moved closer dropping a chaste kiss on Juan’s lips and hugging him tight both lasting a little longer than necessary because he really needs the comfort.
"Thank you Juan I don't know what I'll do without you"
Juan hugs him back and Fernando holds him longer with their heads pressed together "thanks Juan, I just hope he is okay. I miss him so much I just pray he is okay"
The weirdest thoughts pop into Fernando’s head. It is very unlikely for Sergio to act like this or treat him this way except somethings had happened to him. but juan knows Fernando too well and he isin't ready to let him fall of the edge anytime soon.
"He is okay am sure he is somewhere thinking about you. now I want you to be happy, we can go out to try his phone or you can dance with me. Juan says quietly without moving their position. Fernando turned and faced him with intensity in his eyes.
“I will dance, he decided to ditch me in the first place he can go fuck himself”
*
After an hour of dancing Fernando complains that his feet are hurting. And Juan can only think "what a drama queen, its not like he's got heels on maybe he should be the one called Neon Pebbles"
So Juan pulls him to the other part of plug to sit in order to avoid the newly engaged couple they stumbled into before. As they searched for a place for Fernando to rest his aching feet the stumble into the sexy pill room with the manipulated lights
As they get into the bigger and darker room Fernando was actually excited to see the “plugged” drag queen called Neon Pebbles.
"Look who finally got plugged eh?" he says to her causing the drag queen, Juan and couple of people around them to laugh
Juan feels accomplished at this point; he has done his job as a friend, he took care of Fernando and now he can see how happy and exited he is to be having fun and mixing up with everyone and just enjoying the moment not thinking about the hard stuff.
"Well I see you are a natural aren't you” She teased and squeezed his butt again but this time he giggled in appreciation
"Nice ass, cute bubble butt just like my boys on the podiums" she whispers to Fernando pointing to the gogo dancers
But something else distracted him from her second compliment
"Is that?" Fernando stops shell shocked when he saw what he saw, totally ignoring Juan and Neon Pebbles.
"It couldn't be, He is in Madrid he can't be here... No way" Fernando thinks out loud trying to convince himself that he is actually not seeing what his eyes are gazing upon.
"You know those two?” The drag queen says to Fernando.
“They've been going at it for a while now. Tried to tell them there is an inner room for things like that but the fire cracker nailing the small guy to the wall isint having it. He tried to bite my head off. He is so uptight"... She paused and looked at Fernando
"A lot like you when I first met you".
Juan peered forward as the lights rotate towards the two people pressed against the wall kissing passionately, trying to get a view of what Neon pebbles and Fernando where talking about.
He couldn't believe what he saw, that tattoo, that hair, everything, its Sergio fucking Ramos but it got worse. The person being pressed against the wall with his hand around his Lovers neck is Jesus Navas.
"Please get me out of here" Fernando gasped out like he was about to die
"You know them?"
Neon Pebbles asked confused
"That fire cracker is his Fucking Boyfriend and it’s their anniversary today which he canceled because he is supposed to be in a meeting in Madrid"
Juan says to Neon Pebbles as he guides a teary eyed Fernando out of plug.
*
Juan decided to take Fernando to his place that night.
The ride to Juan’s house was quiet. He dint know what was going through Fernando's mind but he could see from his demeanour that Fernando has grown 10 times worse. He’s not just sad that Sergio handled him like he dint matter, or blew him off for some meeting or totally ignored their anniversary. Fernando is just shocked that Sergio is cheating on him all his speculations are true and Juan is just shocked too.
It’s not something anyone wants to happen to do them. No one wants to witness the person that they care about holding another the way Sergio was holding Navas that being on the same day of your anniversary with another friend of yours is awful.
***
When they arrived at Juans' place Fernando walked slowly to Juan’s bed room. He dropped on the floor by the bed like a log, breathing hard and heavy with his vision clouded by tears.
Fernando’s constant struggle to breathe and cry at the same time was so loud it echoed around the house. From the sound of his voice you could read that it hurts so much, that he is in a state of confusion; not knowing whether to cry silently or scream in horror.
Fernando kept having the feeling like there is a fire burning through his veins inside of him, like something is moving around in his body and it hurts so much and the only solution is to get it out by cutting himself open reach inside his body and pull it out. But Fernando knows this feeling two well, ITS HIS MIND PLAYING TRICKS ON HIM AGAIN once he makes the first cut and he see’s the crimson colour, he gets a little bit of relief but he doesn't know how to stop. He keeps going because he feels the more he lets it out it would stop but it doesn't actually stop.
Fernando tried so hard not to scream, tried to breathe and calm down just to take control of his body and what he allows himself to feel but he kept seeing the image of what he just witnessed. He felt like the biggest fool. He’s been the joke all this while and he never knew it. The frustration kept growing on him and the feeling of the pain burning below his skin flowing all over his body intensified and Fernando started pulling at his hair strenously.
He could barely feel the pain he was inflicting on himself because his emotions have been masked by the pain that was not physical. Fernando had cut his hair short so he dint have enough hair to pull on.
Although, his face turned a deep shade of pink and his eyes began to water Fernando was not getting the result he craved so he started twisting his ankles partly because he is nervous but also because he just feels the need to control the pain, by causing a physical pain that he can control in order to distract him from what is really going on inside.
***
Few Minutes later Juan comes rushing into the room after locking up everywhere and finds Fernando on the floor. When Juan saw Fernando’s state he took his time to observe the surrounding environment.
Because of his relationship with Fernando and the knowledge of Fernando’s situation, Juan has read a lot of pamphlets on Fernando’s condition, both useful and useless just to gather as much information as he could and better manage the situation if any arises.
He read somewhere that when someone with such a history as Fernando does have a breakdown, the first thing to do as a friend or family around is to survey the environment and clear anything that they could use as a tool to aid their purpose at that time.
Juan doesn't know how ethical this information is but its better to be careful that sorry. Juan began to clear out the metal hangers that he scattered on the bed when he was selecting his outfit and removed his shaving razors from sight. Juan quickly locked them away in the bathroom before coming to sit behind Fernando on the floor. Juan put his arms around Fernando and placed his hand on Fernando’s wrists’ that were wrapped around his ankle and held them still.
“STOP” Juan tells Fernando firmly
“But it hurts!” Fernando cries out like a helpless child, tears streaming down his eyes without control.
“Hey, you are making it worse, your ankles are burning hot and your knuckles look sore. Nando you are hurting yourself” Fernando doesn't stop he started to use his fingers to dig into the skin on his ankles.
Juan holds him tight burying his face in Fernando’s shoulder. He knows it could be worse, he knows Fernando is holding back and he is proud of him that he is trying so hard. Apart from his parents and Sergio, Juan is the only other person that had seen Fernando at his worst and it’s not good.
When he first knew about Fernando’s self harm, he had this idea that it was all about cutting. But after knowing him for a longer period of time, listening to his parents and Sergio try to explain it and also going to therapy with Fernando, he understood that the bigger problem was within and no matter what people with self harm do to themselves on the outside it cant be compared to the turmoil they faced inside.
Fernando suffered from depression and self loathing as a young teenager. He went through a lot even before he was 14. He was bullied by his peers for being unpopular and being very slim. They always teased him that he would snap like a twig if he ever tried to get on the pitch and play football with them and if he dint they would make sure he did.
Being a young teenager and having to go through bullying of different kinds was so much for Fernando he started to withdraw. But his problem spearheaded when he found out that he dint like girls, he discovered that when he makes contact with a boy he feels things and wants things that you should only want with a girl and the confusion ate him from the inside out. He believed what people were saying about people like him that he was sick and deserved to die, this made him loathe himself more and he sought self harm as an avenue for relief.
Juan realised after watching Fernando that most people he knew in high school and thought they were okay were actually never okay because with Fernando he now knew that so many things he’s seen before and just waved off like its nothing, could actually be classified as self harm, that self harm is not just about the cutting.
There was the time when he repeatedly saw burn marks on Fernando’s arm and thighs and Fernando would give a flimsy excuse of how he got the burn and he would just forgo it, or when he would be found with sore knuckles like he’s been punching a wall and he would say he got the injury from boxing training. Or his excessive training in the gym, everyone would commend his dedication not knowing it was one of the ways Fernando devised to punish himself.
Juan had never experienced anything as bad as the story Fernando’s parents told him. They had found Fernando hiding under his bed lying in the pool of his own blood on his 16th birthday after receiving a message from someone telling him “no one will ever love you, you are damaged and damaged goods deserve to be treated like shit and thrown away, i can’t believe you thought i was into you”.
Juan looked at Fernando’s ankles again and saw an area that had been covered in blood under one of Fernando’s fingers and he got scared.
“Nando you have to stop this now, i care about you... What is going to happen to me if i loose you? Do you think about that when you start hurting yourself? or Your parents, your siblings? How do you want us to cope without you in our lives... i hate to see you hurts yourself because you are hurting me too”
Fernando stopped suddenly and kept sobbing until he went quiet. They sat like that on the floor with his back resting on Juan’s chest for a few minutes until Fernando calmed down and was ready to talk.
*
"What the fuck just happened?"
Fernando asked Juan like he has answers after he’s cooled off a bit. He stood up from the floor and starts taking off his clothes.
"You saw it too right? I wasn't hallucinating... That was Sergio right?"
"Maybe they were just-"
"No... Fucking No. Juan don't! don't make excuses for him to make me feel better, tell me how it is" Fernando sat on Juan’s bed to take of his jeans.
"Fernando I -"
"FUCKING TELL ME” He screamed with so much rage even Juan was shocked.
Juan has been friends with Fernando for so long and he knows what he's being asked to do. It hurts but that's the only way to get Fernando to actually calm down at least for a while. Pain, he uses pain against pain, whether physical or psychological.
"Okay, just calm down... He's not suppose to be there, he wasn't suppose to be in this country at all, he told you his schedule was full till next week"
Juan stops to check on Fernando
"Keep going I want to know how it looks from a third party so I know i’m not insane"
"He canceled your anniversary, dint call, dint text, all of a sudden you find him in a club in the same country he said he couldn't be in, kissing and groping another bloke like his life depended on it"
"Okay, thanks"
Fernando lays down to sleep off without saying a word.
"Want me to talk to him? I'll call him and ask him why he did it. He has no right to treat you the way he did. You don't deserve that" Juan feels like he’s not allowed to be upset because Fernando can get upset for the both of them but he really do think that was out of order and he just couldn't ignore it.
“I can't deal with him right now"
"Fernando, I feel bad, I've been feeding you with hope and telling you all this things I feel like I have to fix this. I should talk to him and put things straight"
"No Juan I will talk to him myself, better if I do it, but not now just come to bed i don't want to talk about Sergio my head hurts"
Juan knows to some people their relationship may seem a bit weird but there is really nothing to it. They've never fancied each other in that way and they’ve never done anything out of the ordinary. They kiss each other sometimes on the lips which he knows look a lot weird but really they feel nothing, they sleep on they same bed, they curdle and act like an old married couple but they've never done anything or played on their friendship and he thinks its what makes their relationship stronger, he knows sometimes Sergio feels insecure around him but really he has nothing to worry about. But now he can also feel the pain Fernando is going through because he knows how in love with Sergio, Fernando is.
"Fine, just promise me you will sort it and talk to him, I hate seeing you like this"
Juan finds Fernando something from his closet to change into.
"Yeah, as long as you promise not to call Sergio or act weird when you see him or Navas this is between me and him I don't want you getting dragged in"
Fernando replied with red puffy eyes as he slips into what Juan handed him.Juan looks at his best friend who looked so traumatised and just gives in.
"Fine... I'll let you handle it. Unless I feel like I need to step in. You know I care too much"
"Yeah I do... Come here"
Juan joins Fernando in bed and holds him close to himself its been one hell of an anniversary.
"Thanks for being here for me Juan" after sometime when it feels like Fernando had slept, he whispers in a sadistic tone
“Happy Anniversary to Me”
***
When Juan woke up in the morning the other side of the bed was empty and Fernando was gone. Juan jumped out of bed and started screaming Fernando’s name on remembering the incident of the previous night.
He quickly did a sweep of his apartment but still couldn’t find Fernando. He had searched the living area, the kitchen, the bathrooms, guest rooms even the pantry but no Fernando. Juan hurried back to his room to get dressed so he could check outside on the streets “maybe Fernando decided to leave” and then he hears the water running in the his master bathroom.
“Fernando! Fernando. Are you in there?”
Juan calls out moving closer to the bathroom door because the running water was steady but there was no sound of movement. Juan was hesitant to open the door because his mind was doing cat wheels giving him scenarios of what he might see when he opens the door and all were nothing he wished to set his eyes upon.
Juan finally gathered courage.
He turned the knob and it opened freely. The sight that met Juan left him emotionless, frozen with shock and breathless. It felt like his heart had been ripped out of his body in fear, the pain was there but he couldn't feel it because his heart was gone and his mind and eyes were fixed on a more brutal image. An image that he wished was a dream, an image he never wanted to be in a position to witness.
Fernando was lying with one hand hanging out the bathtub while his other hand and the whole of his body was immersed in the crimson coloured water. The water Fernando was lying in had turned a deep red colour and Juan dint know where to look or what to do.
Juan finally snapped out of it and ran to Fernando. When his head started working he decided to search for the affected area. Juan quickly fished out Fernando’s other hand from inside the tub to check for the source of the blood but it was clean just like the other. Then it hit Juan that Fernando had always been discrete about his situation, he dint want anyone knowing about his business.
Juan decided to get Fernando out of the water because his hands were very cold. Juan pulled Fernando’s whole body out of the bath and settled his naked body on the bathroom floor.
Inspecting Fernando’s body, he saw the source of the blood. Fernando had cut a vain on his left ankle. Juan quickly ripped his t-shirt and used it to tie Fernando’s ankle to stop him from loosing anymore blood, he took a huge warm towel from and spread it over Fernando. When Juan was sure he had secured the bleeding and Fernando’s body was getting some warmth, he clasped both hands on Fernando’s slapping him lightly on both cheeks to wake him up.
Fernando!... Nando! Nando! Come on!... please open your eyes... say something...Oh God” but Fernando was unresponsive.
“Come on Nando… Come on… open your eyes, blink, squeeze my hand, anything, please” Juan was losing his mind before he remembered to check Fernando’s pulse. Juan put his head on Fernando’s chest, Held his wrist and checked the movement of Fernando’s chest. He did everything that he knew would give him an answer, when he was satisfied that Fernando was still with him he got out his phone to make a call.
“Hey John, it’s me Juan please I need a favour, I need a doctor at my apartment with everything possible please it’s an emergency” Juan talked so fast into the phone it was almost impossible for the person at the other end of the line to totally understand him.
“...no I can’t call for an ambulance…it… it was an attempted suicide. I Don’t want to get the press involved. If they get a hold of this its going to go wide...” “No not me…please can you send your brother?. “… okay Thanks as soon as possible please”
“What am i doing, i should have just called an ambulance” Juan thought out loud. But he knows he couldn’t call an ambulance because it would be what the press would be talking about forever. it would overshadow every good thing Fernando has done in his career. He would be remembered as the footballer who almost committed suicide and not that the amazing person with a beautiful talent that he is. But Juan can’t let that happen.
“As he crouched down to hold Fernando, Fernando opened his eyed with tears flowing without control. “i’m...I’m so sorry...Juan please forgive me” Fernando tried to appologize for what he’s done. He wasn’t thinking at all, he didn’t mean to hurt anyone he just wanted stop hurting.
“shhhhhh... don't talk... just look at me... stay with me, help is coming okay” Juan say wiping the tears off his face and patting Fernando’s head from the tip of his fore head back to his hair.
“You stay strong okay? I’m gonna get you through this. I’m here fore you. I love you, I care for you, you are important. You are very important to me. I won’t leave you… you hear me? I won’t fucking leave you” Juan says as the tears starts to flow from his own eyes.
Juan continued to say words of encouragement to Fernando reminding him that he is loved so that Fernando could have a reason to fight, being that he had lost a lot of blood and Juan doesn't know how this works. He is not a doctor so he can’t say anything, all he knows is that Fernando’s face is so pale his freckles are more visible than ever and to him it looks like his best friend is dying slowly.
But Fernando looks up at him with his eyes barely open and nods... before gripping Juan’s hand and squeezing tight while they wait for the paramedic to arrive.