ugh
hello, neglected journal. =A=)/
I haven't even been CHECKING LJ lately. I haven't been doing much of anything. I'm behind on everything internet-related. So to all who are wondering when I am going to finish ____________ (insert basically everything I should be doing here), I'm not getting to it any time soon because I'm too busy/depressed to care. My family is driving me nucking futs and every moment of free time is spent staring at the wall and wishing I had been born into happier circumstances.
Everything I've been doing this past month in more detail under the cut:
So, I reluctantly moved back to my hometown a month ago. It was hard moving my shit back and I have more to bring, but at least got the necessities. I was (and still am) completely broke, so free food and rent lured me back here, even if it means putting up with my mom all day. She's still batshit insane and lies to everyone. She didn't even tell me that my aunt was living with her now until we were on the way back here, and even then, when I asked why she hadn't told me sooner, she said "oh, she only came to live with me a week ago". My aunt had actually been living there for over two months.
This aunt used to live with my grandmother before she passed away last year. She has a mental disability as a result from a head injury when she was young (I hear she fell from a bridge or something). I don't mind her living here, but I wish my mom had told me BEFORE the last minute and not lied as usual. It is really, really awkward, though. My aunt spends all day eating and watching TV. She watches Nick Jr (a channel for preschool children) literally all day-- shows that teach kids how to count and stuff and talks to the TV and to herself all day. I don't mind, but.. but if I hear the songs from the Wonder Pets one more time I am going to shoot myself;; (look it up; it's a duck singing in a high-pitched lisp for 30 minutes at a time OH NO WE HAVE TO SAVE THE WIDDLE WABBIT WITH SONG AND COOWAPERWASHION aaaahh).
So, after my grandma's house was sold, my aunt was homeless. Her siblings wanted to put her in a home, but my mom didn't like that and took her in. Now my mother (a single, working mom) basically has to take care of a third dependent, while my child-less aunts and uncles live easy lives sitting on a big inheritance. My mom claims that her siblings stole her share of the inheritance money (which was supposed to pay for my HUGE tuition bill, which I am now stuck with and honestly don't know how to handle it) and tells me not to talk to anyone else in the family. As much as she likes to pretend she's not, my mom is flat broke and a mess and I worry every day that she'll be able to keep a roof over our heads. Even so, she feels so offended by her siblings (my mom even claimed that her own twin was saying she was happy that her father was dead and was flaunting her inheritance and teasing my mom, who didn't get her share) that she told me not to accept any calls or cards or gifts from anyone. Told me to throw away any money I got from them because they were just trying to look good after stealing the inheritance.
Then I got a call from my uncle today, telling me that he sent me and my brother checks a month ago. The checks were cashed, but not by either of us. Seems my mom had been telling me not to talk to the rest of my family and ignore their gifts so she could pocket them for herself.
I'm sick of being lied to and I'm sick of getting my hopes up just to be slapped in the face. I don't know who to believe any more about anything. This kind of family has made me so goddamn bitter about everything that I've become super paranoid and assume every time anyone is talking to me that they are lying or hiding something from me. I spent all afternoon frustrated and crying. Why the hell did I come back here?
The "wonderful job" that I was expecting doesn't really exist. I'm at a little startup where I feel useless and that the only reason they don't throw me out is because the boss knows my mom. I've been there for three weeks and haven't been paid yet, or even told how much I'd be paid. My coworkers are all wonderful people, but this kind of uncertain work without room for growth or skill-building just isn't what I want to be doing. Not with such a heavy debt on my shoulders.
I don't even have anywhere to go to take a break from it all. I can't drive and none of my friends live in this city any more. Everyone I want to see is back in Colorado. I got a call from R a week or so ago saying that he was in the hospital and might need emergency surgery, too, so that killed what was left of my nerves. His digestive system just stopped working one night and he was throwing up all over the place and drove himself to the hospital at 4am to see what the hell was wrong. They were able to fix him by sucking his stomach clean through a tube in his nose, so he didn't need surgery after all, but hearing this in only bits and pieces ("GOOD MORNING I'M IN THE HOSPITAL I MIGHT NEED SURGERY CAN'T TALK NOW BYE") destroyed what was left of my nerves. orz Hearing his call at the end of the day is the only thing I have to look forward to when I come home so I'm glad he's okay. =A= One day he called just to sing "marukaite chikyuu" into the phone before hanging up.
Nothing to do at home. My internet connection here is garbage and goes down every few minutes. Loading sites with a lot of images (like pixiv) just gets me a bunch of broken image placeholders. The TV is taken all day. My mom has been gone on a business trip since Friday and won't be back until Thursday (or later), so I can't go anywhere. Her friend takes me to work and back. Running out of groceries. Even though I moved here for free food and rent, it looks like it's pointless because my mom can't even seem to pay for groceries on her own and is constantly asking for cash.
Tomorrow is the only day of this week that won't be nice and sunny. 80% chance of thunderstorms, then will be back to nice and sunny the following day. Tomorrow also happens to be my birthday. I get to spend it alone at home.
Every year I have a plan in my head, forecasting a happier life for myself, but every time I somehow manage to just get more miserable. I don't like making whiny posts like this, but frankly, I'm all out of optimism. I just want to find a way to get out of this debt by myself (since every time help is offered, it shuffles away and ignores me when I need it) and move somewhere far, far away where I can start fresh and new. orz
I'm sorry if you read all of that. Good night. 9A9
I haven't even been CHECKING LJ lately. I haven't been doing much of anything. I'm behind on everything internet-related. So to all who are wondering when I am going to finish ____________ (insert basically everything I should be doing here), I'm not getting to it any time soon because I'm too busy/depressed to care. My family is driving me nucking futs and every moment of free time is spent staring at the wall and wishing I had been born into happier circumstances.
Everything I've been doing this past month in more detail under the cut:
So, I reluctantly moved back to my hometown a month ago. It was hard moving my shit back and I have more to bring, but at least got the necessities. I was (and still am) completely broke, so free food and rent lured me back here, even if it means putting up with my mom all day. She's still batshit insane and lies to everyone. She didn't even tell me that my aunt was living with her now until we were on the way back here, and even then, when I asked why she hadn't told me sooner, she said "oh, she only came to live with me a week ago". My aunt had actually been living there for over two months.
This aunt used to live with my grandmother before she passed away last year. She has a mental disability as a result from a head injury when she was young (I hear she fell from a bridge or something). I don't mind her living here, but I wish my mom had told me BEFORE the last minute and not lied as usual. It is really, really awkward, though. My aunt spends all day eating and watching TV. She watches Nick Jr (a channel for preschool children) literally all day-- shows that teach kids how to count and stuff and talks to the TV and to herself all day. I don't mind, but.. but if I hear the songs from the Wonder Pets one more time I am going to shoot myself;; (look it up; it's a duck singing in a high-pitched lisp for 30 minutes at a time OH NO WE HAVE TO SAVE THE WIDDLE WABBIT WITH SONG AND COOWAPERWASHION aaaahh).
So, after my grandma's house was sold, my aunt was homeless. Her siblings wanted to put her in a home, but my mom didn't like that and took her in. Now my mother (a single, working mom) basically has to take care of a third dependent, while my child-less aunts and uncles live easy lives sitting on a big inheritance. My mom claims that her siblings stole her share of the inheritance money (which was supposed to pay for my HUGE tuition bill, which I am now stuck with and honestly don't know how to handle it) and tells me not to talk to anyone else in the family. As much as she likes to pretend she's not, my mom is flat broke and a mess and I worry every day that she'll be able to keep a roof over our heads. Even so, she feels so offended by her siblings (my mom even claimed that her own twin was saying she was happy that her father was dead and was flaunting her inheritance and teasing my mom, who didn't get her share) that she told me not to accept any calls or cards or gifts from anyone. Told me to throw away any money I got from them because they were just trying to look good after stealing the inheritance.
Then I got a call from my uncle today, telling me that he sent me and my brother checks a month ago. The checks were cashed, but not by either of us. Seems my mom had been telling me not to talk to the rest of my family and ignore their gifts so she could pocket them for herself.
I'm sick of being lied to and I'm sick of getting my hopes up just to be slapped in the face. I don't know who to believe any more about anything. This kind of family has made me so goddamn bitter about everything that I've become super paranoid and assume every time anyone is talking to me that they are lying or hiding something from me. I spent all afternoon frustrated and crying. Why the hell did I come back here?
The "wonderful job" that I was expecting doesn't really exist. I'm at a little startup where I feel useless and that the only reason they don't throw me out is because the boss knows my mom. I've been there for three weeks and haven't been paid yet, or even told how much I'd be paid. My coworkers are all wonderful people, but this kind of uncertain work without room for growth or skill-building just isn't what I want to be doing. Not with such a heavy debt on my shoulders.
I don't even have anywhere to go to take a break from it all. I can't drive and none of my friends live in this city any more. Everyone I want to see is back in Colorado. I got a call from R a week or so ago saying that he was in the hospital and might need emergency surgery, too, so that killed what was left of my nerves. His digestive system just stopped working one night and he was throwing up all over the place and drove himself to the hospital at 4am to see what the hell was wrong. They were able to fix him by sucking his stomach clean through a tube in his nose, so he didn't need surgery after all, but hearing this in only bits and pieces ("GOOD MORNING I'M IN THE HOSPITAL I MIGHT NEED SURGERY CAN'T TALK NOW BYE") destroyed what was left of my nerves. orz Hearing his call at the end of the day is the only thing I have to look forward to when I come home so I'm glad he's okay. =A= One day he called just to sing "marukaite chikyuu" into the phone before hanging up.
Nothing to do at home. My internet connection here is garbage and goes down every few minutes. Loading sites with a lot of images (like pixiv) just gets me a bunch of broken image placeholders. The TV is taken all day. My mom has been gone on a business trip since Friday and won't be back until Thursday (or later), so I can't go anywhere. Her friend takes me to work and back. Running out of groceries. Even though I moved here for free food and rent, it looks like it's pointless because my mom can't even seem to pay for groceries on her own and is constantly asking for cash.
Tomorrow is the only day of this week that won't be nice and sunny. 80% chance of thunderstorms, then will be back to nice and sunny the following day. Tomorrow also happens to be my birthday. I get to spend it alone at home.
Every year I have a plan in my head, forecasting a happier life for myself, but every time I somehow manage to just get more miserable. I don't like making whiny posts like this, but frankly, I'm all out of optimism. I just want to find a way to get out of this debt by myself (since every time help is offered, it shuffles away and ignores me when I need it) and move somewhere far, far away where I can start fresh and new. orz
I'm sorry if you read all of that. Good night. 9A9