White Rabbit Syndrome
I promise you, I have plenty of things to say--but I always seem to be out of time to say them! In more than one way, too...
As far as blogs go, I am a VERY slow writer. I have to let a topic swim around in my head for awhile until I'm ready to make some kind of pronouncement on it....then I sit in front of my computer trying to organize what I think of as thought-vomit (really just every thought I've had on the subject, in no particular order, only connected in ways that make sense in my head) into a cohesive, coherent explanation--really it's more of a thoughtful translation than anything else. Then by the time I really have everything prepared and ready to write, it's like.....really late, and I've got work in the morning.....or it's time to leave to meet some friends, or whatever. Anywhere from three weeks to five months later, I make myself sit down and try it again, and then I manage to get it out, although even a few paragraphs can take an hour or more as I'm very easily distracted by things like, "Didn't I see a video on YouTube that was related to [insert random trail of thought barely connected to what I'm writing]," or, "Should this sentence have a 'who' or 'whom?' I'd better look it up. I wonder if it were in Spanish, if I could just say 'quien' or if it would have to be one of those 'lo cual' ones or if I could do either?"
So you can see why this is such a lengthy process. (And why I don't write regularly.)
But I'm also very much this way in real life, as well. Despite being a strong proponent of things that just need to be said, I do have a difficult time saying really important things, sometimes. I tend to be fairly reserved, especially when it comes to very personal things (You wouldn't believe how hard it is for me to link to this blog on Twitter). It isn't that I'm ashamed about events that have transpired in my life--well, sometimes I am, but that isn't why I don't often talk about them. It isn't that I don't want to be close to people, or that I mind them knowing things about my background or the things with which I struggle. It isn't even that they're too painful to talk about. They aren't; actually, I usually LIKE talking about them. It's a huge relief to get these kinds of things off your chest; to feel like you can share a burden with another, and not be alone in it.
It's just that I always feel so short on TIME. I'm running out of time to tell this story; it's getting late. Or I'm running out of time to describe what I'm thinking; no one in the room is in the mood for serious talk, so I have about 30 seconds before their attention spans run out. Or I don't have the time to go into this explanation; we're headed somewhere later and I don't want to walk in with mascara running because I got so emotional as to get teary. I like to call this "White Rabbit Syndrome."
(Occasionally it's something else, like, "I just met these people and would like them to have a little time to form a positive impression of me before I tell them some things about me they may not like." What can I say; sometimes I'm just shallow! :)
Some topics are really difficult to talk about when the environmental conditions aren't perfect---like how I can't write unless it's quiet, I'm not grumpy, and I'm not rushed in any way. So if i feel to rushed to really explain myself, I generally take the easy route and just don't say anything. I'm not saying this is good! It isn't good. But I hope it is, at least, understandable, and that you'll be patient with me while I work it out.
Last note on this for today (because, shockingly, it's getting late, and I've got church in the morning, and I'm out of time.....): I would also really appreciate if you could extend that patience to a withholding of judgment. I AM very reserved, but this does not make me untruthful. I can see why it might look like I "hide" things, and therefore am likely to be lying to cover them up. . . but you don't know that. And I can tell you right now that I'm not. I don't deliberately hide things; I just have a difficult time expressing them. Of course, I cannot say that I am never deceptive, but I am generally very honest--sometimes too much so, actually--and am trying to continue in that way, because I have discovered a deep love for truth within me! Also, I'm a terrible liar.
So please, give me the benefit of the doubt when you can. I know that is difficult; we all want to be strong & smart enough to not be duped by others. Nobody wants to be a sucker, and everyone wants to watch their own backs. I understand that. But I also understand the power of having faith in other people; the kind of inspiration that provides. I also know the power of patience, which allows us to get to know one another, and allows people like me to make themselves known! Let's help each other out, here!
What are some of the things YOU feel rushed through, that seem to pass you by for a long time? Also, is anyone else confused by this clock!?
As far as blogs go, I am a VERY slow writer. I have to let a topic swim around in my head for awhile until I'm ready to make some kind of pronouncement on it....then I sit in front of my computer trying to organize what I think of as thought-vomit (really just every thought I've had on the subject, in no particular order, only connected in ways that make sense in my head) into a cohesive, coherent explanation--really it's more of a thoughtful translation than anything else. Then by the time I really have everything prepared and ready to write, it's like.....really late, and I've got work in the morning.....or it's time to leave to meet some friends, or whatever. Anywhere from three weeks to five months later, I make myself sit down and try it again, and then I manage to get it out, although even a few paragraphs can take an hour or more as I'm very easily distracted by things like, "Didn't I see a video on YouTube that was related to [insert random trail of thought barely connected to what I'm writing]," or, "Should this sentence have a 'who' or 'whom?' I'd better look it up. I wonder if it were in Spanish, if I could just say 'quien' or if it would have to be one of those 'lo cual' ones or if I could do either?"
So you can see why this is such a lengthy process. (And why I don't write regularly.)
But I'm also very much this way in real life, as well. Despite being a strong proponent of things that just need to be said, I do have a difficult time saying really important things, sometimes. I tend to be fairly reserved, especially when it comes to very personal things (You wouldn't believe how hard it is for me to link to this blog on Twitter). It isn't that I'm ashamed about events that have transpired in my life--well, sometimes I am, but that isn't why I don't often talk about them. It isn't that I don't want to be close to people, or that I mind them knowing things about my background or the things with which I struggle. It isn't even that they're too painful to talk about. They aren't; actually, I usually LIKE talking about them. It's a huge relief to get these kinds of things off your chest; to feel like you can share a burden with another, and not be alone in it.
It's just that I always feel so short on TIME. I'm running out of time to tell this story; it's getting late. Or I'm running out of time to describe what I'm thinking; no one in the room is in the mood for serious talk, so I have about 30 seconds before their attention spans run out. Or I don't have the time to go into this explanation; we're headed somewhere later and I don't want to walk in with mascara running because I got so emotional as to get teary. I like to call this "White Rabbit Syndrome."
(Occasionally it's something else, like, "I just met these people and would like them to have a little time to form a positive impression of me before I tell them some things about me they may not like." What can I say; sometimes I'm just shallow! :)
Some topics are really difficult to talk about when the environmental conditions aren't perfect---like how I can't write unless it's quiet, I'm not grumpy, and I'm not rushed in any way. So if i feel to rushed to really explain myself, I generally take the easy route and just don't say anything. I'm not saying this is good! It isn't good. But I hope it is, at least, understandable, and that you'll be patient with me while I work it out.
Last note on this for today (because, shockingly, it's getting late, and I've got church in the morning, and I'm out of time.....): I would also really appreciate if you could extend that patience to a withholding of judgment. I AM very reserved, but this does not make me untruthful. I can see why it might look like I "hide" things, and therefore am likely to be lying to cover them up. . . but you don't know that. And I can tell you right now that I'm not. I don't deliberately hide things; I just have a difficult time expressing them. Of course, I cannot say that I am never deceptive, but I am generally very honest--sometimes too much so, actually--and am trying to continue in that way, because I have discovered a deep love for truth within me! Also, I'm a terrible liar.
So please, give me the benefit of the doubt when you can. I know that is difficult; we all want to be strong & smart enough to not be duped by others. Nobody wants to be a sucker, and everyone wants to watch their own backs. I understand that. But I also understand the power of having faith in other people; the kind of inspiration that provides. I also know the power of patience, which allows us to get to know one another, and allows people like me to make themselves known! Let's help each other out, here!
What are some of the things YOU feel rushed through, that seem to pass you by for a long time? Also, is anyone else confused by this clock!?