Recap for BSG episode 3x05
Whew! This was one of the heaviest, most depressing episodes to date, so the snark took me a while. Oh, and it's come to my attention that the season three premiere now only counts as one episode (not two, as RDM originally stated.) So the recap numbering has been changed from 3x05 to 3x04; my bad!
EDIT: Alright, I've given up correcting the frakking episode numbering because I've heard 20 different takes on the subject. I'm back to calling this one 3x05...
Chief Justice Seelix: The Circle has found you guilty of crimes against humanity & has sentenced you to death by airlocking...because we here in The Circle don't need no stinkin' due process.
Jammer: *cries* But I helped save Cally! Chief, you gotta listen to me! Doesn't saving Cally let me off the hook for killing 23 other people?
Chief: As much as I and thousands of other fanboys want to thank you for that service, um, no it doesn't.
Connor: As the token raving lunatic of the Circle, I say KILLKILLKILL! DO IT NOW!
Jammer: *goes WHOOSH! out the launch tube*
Anders: I really should've tried harder to get out of jury duty. How 'bout we do this with a little less talk, a little more shut the hell up next time, okay?
Chief: Hey honey, remember when you were about to be brutally murdered by that Cylon firing squad?
Cally: Well, I thought I'd put that out of my mind...but thanks so much for bringing it up again. Why do you ask?
Chief: Did anyone help you get away? You know, like maybe one of our former friends who'd secretly joined the NCP, cut your cable ties & told you to run down a ravine to safety?
Cally: Come to think of it, that's exactly what happened! Hey, how did you know?
Chief: I'm just a really good guesser. I'm also guessing Jammer won't be able to babysit for us tonight.
Adama: I want to offer my heartfelt forgiveness for everything you've ever done wrong, Mr. President.
Tigh: I forgive you too, because you know what an understanding, sympathetic guy I've always been, right?
Laura: I can't control my sexual urges around you anymore, Gaius - I've always wanted you.
Gaius: Wow, today is my lucky day! I'm getting a complete pardon AND fulfilling my naughty schoolteacher fantasy all at the same time.
InvisiSix: Wake up and smell the psychosis, Gaius.
Gaius: You mean I'm dreaming? But this all seemed so perfectly reasonable!
Laura: Me kissing you? For real? In front of my pseudo-boyfriend and your not-so-invisible girlfriend? AS IF!
Gaius: *wakes up, naked, onboard a Basestar*
Red Forcefield of Doom: *pulsates*
Cylon Centurion: *pulsates*
Gaius: Oh frak...
Anders: Good morning, sunshine! *kisses Kara* Sleep well?
Kara: No, I'll sleep when I'm dead. And don't kiss me anymore; you sicken me.
Anders: Geez. Either this is some weird post-traumatic stress reaction, or you are really, really not a morning person.
Laura: Well Mr. President, it's three days before the new Quorum takes office; what's your game plan?
Tom: I'll have you elected as my Vice President, then immediately step down so you can be President again. I'm a big fan of trying out new positions with attractive, powerful women.
Laura: Uh huh, and I'm sure you're doing this out of the goodness of your heart. Just tell me what you want upfront.
Tom: All right, you got me: I'm doing this because Adama hates my guts & won't cooperate. And yes, it's been pretty obvious these past few episodes what I really want from you...but I'll settle for being your Vice President.
Laura: Well, I admit you have been kind of heroic lately. And we do share the same Hate-Cylons-Love-Flirting platform, so VP it is!
Tom: HOT DAMN! SHE LIKES ME! I mean, thank you ever so much.
Gaeta: *walks into CIC to resume duty*
Tigh: WHAT THE FRAK IS THAT COLLABORATOR DOING IN HERE?!?
Helo: Larry the Cable Guy was busy, so the Admiral wants Felix to fix our comm systems.
Tigh: Well, isn't that special? But EYE seem to be missing something; IRIS Gaeta could FOCUS on finding it for me. After all, he was Baltar's star PUPIL. EYE don't want him in Galactica's SEE EYE SEE anymore!
Adama: Saul, please! Go get some rest; that's an order.
Tigh: Why don't you frak off! EYE am not going to forget this anytime soon.
Chief Justice Seelix: Okay people, we have three days to go through this long list of collaborators.
Connor: Why don't we just assume they're all guilty? It'll save time.
Tigh: Far be it from me to argue with you, but we should at least pretend to be impartial. Like I'm about to pretend in Gaeta's case...I vote guilty.
Anders/Chief: But we don't have any proof he collaborated!
Tigh: Oh puh-lease! Gaeta was obviously the brains in Baltar's Hookers-and-Blow administration. He even saw the execution list - you know, the one with Cally's name on it?
Anders: That's total hearsay, and you people are frakked up! I'm quitting The Circle.
Connor: No biggie; let's just vote with five people instead of six. We'll get through that list in no time!
Chief: You can't do that - and unless I find proof Gaeta is guilty, I'm quitting too.
Seelix/Tigh/Connor/Jean: Party poopers!
D'anna/#3: Hi there, handsome; I thought you might like some happy pills to pass the time. How's being imprisoned on a Basestar working out for you?
Gaius: I've been here three days, and I still don't have my cape & swivel throne. I thought you people were going to be nice to me!
D'anna/#3: Oh yeah, about that...we took a vote and it looks like we're going to kill you instead.
Gaius: What?!? But I gave you Sharon's baby & did all sorts of rotten things against my fellow humans!
D'anna/#3: Your girlfriend Six is the undecided vote, so you should really be kissing her ass. Then again, you could always kiss mine too. *wink wink* *nudge nudge*
Lee: Have you noticed how some people in the fleet have gone missing lately? I can't find Jammer at all.
Adama: Well, keep me posted if anyone else disappears - or if you find Jammer floating around.
Lee: Will do, but right now I'm off to lose weight by skipping rope. I lost seven pounds already; aren't you proud of me?
Adama: My son: the pansy. Keep jumping, fatass.
Lee: Thanks for the encouragement, Dad; there's nothing more beautiful than a father's love.
Kara: Hi Felix; mind if I eat lunch with you?
Gaeta: I guess. I heard about your 'situation' on New Caprica; I'm really sorry that happened to you.
Kara: Don't worry, I've totally forgotten all about that...except that I totally HAVEN'T! WHY THE FRAK DIDN'T YOU HELP ME?!?
Gaeta: I didn't know - honest! I was a little busy passing along secrets to the Resistance using the dog bowl protocol.
Kara: Yeah sure you were. You're Felix Gaeta: Big Damn Hero...NOT! DIAF, ASSHAT!
Chief Justice Seelix: *watching Kara* This is exactly the kind of unbiased, level-headed thinking we need in The Circle.
Caprica/#6: I have to stop loving you, Gaius; I've given up everything for you, and it's only made me miserable.
Gaius: But darling, I've finally realized you're a real person now, with real feelings...who really needs to prevent my execution!
Caprica/#6: Gaius, you're a human - and I'm a killer robot bent on destroying humanity. Do the math.
Caprica/#6: *leaves*
Gaius: Did you just break up with me? I don't believe you just broke up with me! DAMMIT, YOU CAN'T DO THAT!
Caprica/#6: *is gone*
Gaius: Hello? Are you there? Honey?!?
Basestar: *crickets chirping*
Gaius: um, call me, okay?
Kara: As a new member of The Circle, I'd just like to say I'm looking forward to executing as many people as possible.
Tigh: Now now Starbuck, we're not here to inflict revenge or settle old scores. That's our story and we're sticking to it.
Kara: Not that it matters to me in the slightest, but this is all perfectly legal, right?
Tigh: Of course; we have approval from Zarek - but only for as long as he's President. Gods only know what The Old Man & Roslin will do when they find out about this secret court.
Kara: Well then as long as I'm here, the verdict will always be 'guilty'. I mean, why should Madame Airlock have all the fun?
Anders: Kara, I love you but you've gone completely bonkers. What gives?
Kara: I'm in a different place now in my life, Sam. It's like someone painted my world a different color; instead of a slightly bluish gunmental gray, my world is now more of a rust-colored gunmetal gray...with maybe a hint of mauve. It's INSANE!
Anders: I guess we should get a divorce then.
Kara: Yeah; I'd only end up taking my anger out on you. Besides, the writers are convinced all my relationships should end badly.
Anders: Well it's easy enough to give these dogtags back; this tattoo, however...
Tigh: C'mon Chief, quit stalling! You know Gaeta is a collaborator, so give us your vote.
Chief: But it was Baltar who worked with the Cylons, not Gaeta!
Tigh: Yeah, yeah - a slight technicality, I know. But just because someone is like family to us doesn't mean we should allow our hatred to be blinded by love. Hell, look what I did to Ellen - and I found her a lot more attractive than I find Gaeta.
Chief: Fine then, have it your way. Gaeta isn't the only one who's gonna feel guilty about this verdict.
The Circle: *kidnaps Gaeta & drags him to the Launch Tube of Doom*
Chief Justice Seelix: Felix Gaeta, you've been found guilty and are hereby sentenced to death.
Kara: But before we kill you, I want to hear you beg - like I'm sure Jake the dog begged whenever you tipped over his food bowl.
Chief: OMG! GAETA IS THE MOLE! He's the one who saved our bacon by giving the Resistance all that top-secret information!
Seelix/Tigh/Connor/Jean: Oh shit... Uh, sorry 'bout the mix-up, dude. No hard feelings, right?
Chief: Whew! I'm so glad we didn't have to airlock anyone today.
Kara: Speak for yourself.
Adama: What the hell is this?! You authorized kangaroo courts & death squads, on my ship?! Zarek, your presidency is a farce. I could kick your ass from here 'til Tuesday, but I'll settle for giving you my patented Adama Death GlareTM.
Tom: Why should collaborators get to milk the system with stupid things like due process, legal representation and appeals? Meh. I say wipe the slate clean & be done with them. Really Laura, I did it for you; I didn't want you to get carpal tunnel syndrome from pushing that airlock button twenty times a day.
Laura: Gee Tom, that's so romantic - and creepy. Stick with flowers next time, okay? Besides, the President can't just ignore Colonial law; believe me, I've tried.
Tom: Well I hope you come up with a better plan, because I'm fresh out of helpful ideas.
Adama: There's a shock...
Weird Smiling Priest: *swears Laura in as new President of the Colonies*
Laura: As your new replacement President (again), I've decided not to prosecute everyone who collaborated with the Cylons. Instead, I'm making the bold move of issuing a general pardon to these jerks. Yes, I know this will make me unpopular - and yes, I will personally miss using my airlock on a regular basis - but we need to move forward as a people, and this is the only way.
Adama: *gives Laura the slow golf clap in support, seeing as how this is the closest thing to a reunion scene they'll ever have*
Gaeta: *eats lunch at a table by himself*
Chief: *walks over to eat lunch with Gaeta*
Chief: Hey.
Gaeta: Hey.
Gaeta/Chief: *eat quietly*
Chief: So, uh, how are things?
Gaeta: Fine. Things are fine.
Gaeta/Chief: *continue to eat quietly*
Chief: I just love awkward silences, don't you?
to be continued...
Comments will be loved & given ambrosia; critical comments will be blown out the Launch Tube of Doom. :-D
EDIT: Alright, I've given up correcting the frakking episode numbering because I've heard 20 different takes on the subject. I'm back to calling this one 3x05...
Chief Justice Seelix: The Circle has found you guilty of crimes against humanity & has sentenced you to death by airlocking...because we here in The Circle don't need no stinkin' due process.
Jammer: *cries* But I helped save Cally! Chief, you gotta listen to me! Doesn't saving Cally let me off the hook for killing 23 other people?
Chief: As much as I and thousands of other fanboys want to thank you for that service, um, no it doesn't.
Connor: As the token raving lunatic of the Circle, I say KILLKILLKILL! DO IT NOW!
Jammer: *goes WHOOSH! out the launch tube*
Anders: I really should've tried harder to get out of jury duty. How 'bout we do this with a little less talk, a little more shut the hell up next time, okay?
Chief: Hey honey, remember when you were about to be brutally murdered by that Cylon firing squad?
Cally: Well, I thought I'd put that out of my mind...but thanks so much for bringing it up again. Why do you ask?
Chief: Did anyone help you get away? You know, like maybe one of our former friends who'd secretly joined the NCP, cut your cable ties & told you to run down a ravine to safety?
Cally: Come to think of it, that's exactly what happened! Hey, how did you know?
Chief: I'm just a really good guesser. I'm also guessing Jammer won't be able to babysit for us tonight.
Adama: I want to offer my heartfelt forgiveness for everything you've ever done wrong, Mr. President.
Tigh: I forgive you too, because you know what an understanding, sympathetic guy I've always been, right?
Laura: I can't control my sexual urges around you anymore, Gaius - I've always wanted you.
Gaius: Wow, today is my lucky day! I'm getting a complete pardon AND fulfilling my naughty schoolteacher fantasy all at the same time.
InvisiSix: Wake up and smell the psychosis, Gaius.
Gaius: You mean I'm dreaming? But this all seemed so perfectly reasonable!
Laura: Me kissing you? For real? In front of my pseudo-boyfriend and your not-so-invisible girlfriend? AS IF!
Gaius: *wakes up, naked, onboard a Basestar*
Red Forcefield of Doom: *pulsates*
Cylon Centurion: *pulsates*
Gaius: Oh frak...
Anders: Good morning, sunshine! *kisses Kara* Sleep well?
Kara: No, I'll sleep when I'm dead. And don't kiss me anymore; you sicken me.
Anders: Geez. Either this is some weird post-traumatic stress reaction, or you are really, really not a morning person.
Laura: Well Mr. President, it's three days before the new Quorum takes office; what's your game plan?
Tom: I'll have you elected as my Vice President, then immediately step down so you can be President again. I'm a big fan of trying out new positions with attractive, powerful women.
Laura: Uh huh, and I'm sure you're doing this out of the goodness of your heart. Just tell me what you want upfront.
Tom: All right, you got me: I'm doing this because Adama hates my guts & won't cooperate. And yes, it's been pretty obvious these past few episodes what I really want from you...but I'll settle for being your Vice President.
Laura: Well, I admit you have been kind of heroic lately. And we do share the same Hate-Cylons-Love-Flirting platform, so VP it is!
Tom: HOT DAMN! SHE LIKES ME! I mean, thank you ever so much.
Gaeta: *walks into CIC to resume duty*
Tigh: WHAT THE FRAK IS THAT COLLABORATOR DOING IN HERE?!?
Helo: Larry the Cable Guy was busy, so the Admiral wants Felix to fix our comm systems.
Tigh: Well, isn't that special? But EYE seem to be missing something; IRIS Gaeta could FOCUS on finding it for me. After all, he was Baltar's star PUPIL. EYE don't want him in Galactica's SEE EYE SEE anymore!
Adama: Saul, please! Go get some rest; that's an order.
Tigh: Why don't you frak off! EYE am not going to forget this anytime soon.
Chief Justice Seelix: Okay people, we have three days to go through this long list of collaborators.
Connor: Why don't we just assume they're all guilty? It'll save time.
Tigh: Far be it from me to argue with you, but we should at least pretend to be impartial. Like I'm about to pretend in Gaeta's case...I vote guilty.
Anders/Chief: But we don't have any proof he collaborated!
Tigh: Oh puh-lease! Gaeta was obviously the brains in Baltar's Hookers-and-Blow administration. He even saw the execution list - you know, the one with Cally's name on it?
Anders: That's total hearsay, and you people are frakked up! I'm quitting The Circle.
Connor: No biggie; let's just vote with five people instead of six. We'll get through that list in no time!
Chief: You can't do that - and unless I find proof Gaeta is guilty, I'm quitting too.
Seelix/Tigh/Connor/Jean: Party poopers!
D'anna/#3: Hi there, handsome; I thought you might like some happy pills to pass the time. How's being imprisoned on a Basestar working out for you?
Gaius: I've been here three days, and I still don't have my cape & swivel throne. I thought you people were going to be nice to me!
D'anna/#3: Oh yeah, about that...we took a vote and it looks like we're going to kill you instead.
Gaius: What?!? But I gave you Sharon's baby & did all sorts of rotten things against my fellow humans!
D'anna/#3: Your girlfriend Six is the undecided vote, so you should really be kissing her ass. Then again, you could always kiss mine too. *wink wink* *nudge nudge*
Lee: Have you noticed how some people in the fleet have gone missing lately? I can't find Jammer at all.
Adama: Well, keep me posted if anyone else disappears - or if you find Jammer floating around.
Lee: Will do, but right now I'm off to lose weight by skipping rope. I lost seven pounds already; aren't you proud of me?
Adama: My son: the pansy. Keep jumping, fatass.
Lee: Thanks for the encouragement, Dad; there's nothing more beautiful than a father's love.
Kara: Hi Felix; mind if I eat lunch with you?
Gaeta: I guess. I heard about your 'situation' on New Caprica; I'm really sorry that happened to you.
Kara: Don't worry, I've totally forgotten all about that...except that I totally HAVEN'T! WHY THE FRAK DIDN'T YOU HELP ME?!?
Gaeta: I didn't know - honest! I was a little busy passing along secrets to the Resistance using the dog bowl protocol.
Kara: Yeah sure you were. You're Felix Gaeta: Big Damn Hero...NOT! DIAF, ASSHAT!
Chief Justice Seelix: *watching Kara* This is exactly the kind of unbiased, level-headed thinking we need in The Circle.
Caprica/#6: I have to stop loving you, Gaius; I've given up everything for you, and it's only made me miserable.
Gaius: But darling, I've finally realized you're a real person now, with real feelings...who really needs to prevent my execution!
Caprica/#6: Gaius, you're a human - and I'm a killer robot bent on destroying humanity. Do the math.
Caprica/#6: *leaves*
Gaius: Did you just break up with me? I don't believe you just broke up with me! DAMMIT, YOU CAN'T DO THAT!
Caprica/#6: *is gone*
Gaius: Hello? Are you there? Honey?!?
Basestar: *crickets chirping*
Gaius: um, call me, okay?
Kara: As a new member of The Circle, I'd just like to say I'm looking forward to executing as many people as possible.
Tigh: Now now Starbuck, we're not here to inflict revenge or settle old scores. That's our story and we're sticking to it.
Kara: Not that it matters to me in the slightest, but this is all perfectly legal, right?
Tigh: Of course; we have approval from Zarek - but only for as long as he's President. Gods only know what The Old Man & Roslin will do when they find out about this secret court.
Kara: Well then as long as I'm here, the verdict will always be 'guilty'. I mean, why should Madame Airlock have all the fun?
Anders: Kara, I love you but you've gone completely bonkers. What gives?
Kara: I'm in a different place now in my life, Sam. It's like someone painted my world a different color; instead of a slightly bluish gunmental gray, my world is now more of a rust-colored gunmetal gray...with maybe a hint of mauve. It's INSANE!
Anders: I guess we should get a divorce then.
Kara: Yeah; I'd only end up taking my anger out on you. Besides, the writers are convinced all my relationships should end badly.
Anders: Well it's easy enough to give these dogtags back; this tattoo, however...
Tigh: C'mon Chief, quit stalling! You know Gaeta is a collaborator, so give us your vote.
Chief: But it was Baltar who worked with the Cylons, not Gaeta!
Tigh: Yeah, yeah - a slight technicality, I know. But just because someone is like family to us doesn't mean we should allow our hatred to be blinded by love. Hell, look what I did to Ellen - and I found her a lot more attractive than I find Gaeta.
Chief: Fine then, have it your way. Gaeta isn't the only one who's gonna feel guilty about this verdict.
The Circle: *kidnaps Gaeta & drags him to the Launch Tube of Doom*
Chief Justice Seelix: Felix Gaeta, you've been found guilty and are hereby sentenced to death.
Kara: But before we kill you, I want to hear you beg - like I'm sure Jake the dog begged whenever you tipped over his food bowl.
Chief: OMG! GAETA IS THE MOLE! He's the one who saved our bacon by giving the Resistance all that top-secret information!
Seelix/Tigh/Connor/Jean: Oh shit... Uh, sorry 'bout the mix-up, dude. No hard feelings, right?
Chief: Whew! I'm so glad we didn't have to airlock anyone today.
Kara: Speak for yourself.
Adama: What the hell is this?! You authorized kangaroo courts & death squads, on my ship?! Zarek, your presidency is a farce. I could kick your ass from here 'til Tuesday, but I'll settle for giving you my patented Adama Death GlareTM.
Tom: Why should collaborators get to milk the system with stupid things like due process, legal representation and appeals? Meh. I say wipe the slate clean & be done with them. Really Laura, I did it for you; I didn't want you to get carpal tunnel syndrome from pushing that airlock button twenty times a day.
Laura: Gee Tom, that's so romantic - and creepy. Stick with flowers next time, okay? Besides, the President can't just ignore Colonial law; believe me, I've tried.
Tom: Well I hope you come up with a better plan, because I'm fresh out of helpful ideas.
Adama: There's a shock...
Weird Smiling Priest: *swears Laura in as new President of the Colonies*
Laura: As your new replacement President (again), I've decided not to prosecute everyone who collaborated with the Cylons. Instead, I'm making the bold move of issuing a general pardon to these jerks. Yes, I know this will make me unpopular - and yes, I will personally miss using my airlock on a regular basis - but we need to move forward as a people, and this is the only way.
Adama: *gives Laura the slow golf clap in support, seeing as how this is the closest thing to a reunion scene they'll ever have*
Gaeta: *eats lunch at a table by himself*
Chief: *walks over to eat lunch with Gaeta*
Chief: Hey.
Gaeta: Hey.
Gaeta/Chief: *eat quietly*
Chief: So, uh, how are things?
Gaeta: Fine. Things are fine.
Gaeta/Chief: *continue to eat quietly*
Chief: I just love awkward silences, don't you?
to be continued...
Comments will be loved & given ambrosia; critical comments will be blown out the Launch Tube of Doom. :-D