Ambiguous no more....
I am so tired of being invisible. The feeling of being able to transcend society without notice used to be amazing. I hated being noticed, ya know being invisible in the real world outside of raves and rocky was perfect for me. The problem is that when I was invisible before, all of my friends were invisible with me.....now I'm the only one who is invisible. It has become quite the lonely business where it never was before. I was a part of an invisible crowd that loved one another, and now it is no longer and I miss the kinship of it all. The only one who sees me now in this little invisible world I live in is Ally....and Max used to be invisible with me all the time, we used to think it was the best thing in the world to exist and live away from outside biggotry and judgemental hatred. Now he is so involved with other things...so busy with life, as am I. Now, I work, go to school, deal with my health/wellness, and do my best to take care of and keep Ally as happy as humanly possible. Seems as though she's the only one who wants to be a part of my world anymore, the reason my thoughts get splayed upon the internet...
I reach so far beyond my comfort zone to try and finddecent people to be friends with and it just fails over and over agian. Internet sites, real life, clubs, class, it is all the same. Either I intimidate or I am not good enough to someone else to associate with those that exist around me. I compliment others, open doors for strangers, try and spark conversation, actually make a concious effort to talk to people....yet the world blows me off like my pleasantries and words don't matter. I need more hours in my day to look like something worht people's time because apparently it seems people only talk to me when my tits are perked up and out. Why does my mind not matter anymore? Why are my words continuously going unnoticed? The world is a damn judgemental place.
It becomes more apparent each day that I need to find things that not only excite me, but Ally as well. We quite frequently do many of the same things and I don't want her to feel that our life here isn't worth her time. I know in my heart that she isn't fulfilled in life as of now, so I am trying to make a concious effort to make things easier for her. I need to put what little energy I have left into not only making myself look and feel better, but making her look and feel better as well. I have some ideas that willpossibly help her feel better and more like herself....problem is, I know she doesn't really want to be told what she should do for herself:
~increased shaving/waxing
~More underware/bras with innovative chest augmenting techniques
~A larger selection of feminine clothes that fit properly
~A coverup color that matches w/ more make-up experimentation
~SHOES, I think she would feel better if her feet looked feminine more regularly
~Looking into state health care or free clinics for braces and required gender therapy
~Learning to stand tall and proud as the beautiful lesbian she is in the public eye
Ally is so incredibly pretty when she wakes up and puts a tiny amount of effort into herself. Inside, and out she shines. Even if its just a babydoll T and her boy shorts, she is adorable and wonderful. The way her body curves, her gentle movements with it all...absolutely angelic...
She may not be in love with me, but I have not been able to fall out of love with her....I am so proud fo the direction she is going, being stable here with me. I am not going to leave her out in the cold like the world seems to continuously do to her...she is my FAMILY, and as long as I have her here as I do now, I'm happy. I tell her every single day that I love her, as she tells me back, it warms my heart to know she does. All I need now is a good friend that isn't going to back out on me.... Ally is my best friend, my lover, my sourse of affection and care, my closest semblance of family here. I just need someone outside of us who can bare to talk to me on a daily basis to keep my faith in humanity. I have faith in myself and faith in Ally, but there are times when society loses my light of hope and I do not know how life outside will continue.... I just need to know that Ally and I aren't the only decent people left in this world. There is so much ignorance and outright stupidity in the world to the point where the best quality of people get written off. I am sick of it and just 100% SICK of asshole. I am an adult, so why can't everyone else in my age-group act like it? "Bitches all be actin' like zombies in the mall" I guess. That damn statement is becoming more and more true each day I awaken. I have so many interesting things to say, let's see who has the ovaries/balls/reproductive organs to respond intelligently for ONCE.
I am enamored with her.
~Beaw
I reach so far beyond my comfort zone to try and finddecent people to be friends with and it just fails over and over agian. Internet sites, real life, clubs, class, it is all the same. Either I intimidate or I am not good enough to someone else to associate with those that exist around me. I compliment others, open doors for strangers, try and spark conversation, actually make a concious effort to talk to people....yet the world blows me off like my pleasantries and words don't matter. I need more hours in my day to look like something worht people's time because apparently it seems people only talk to me when my tits are perked up and out. Why does my mind not matter anymore? Why are my words continuously going unnoticed? The world is a damn judgemental place.
It becomes more apparent each day that I need to find things that not only excite me, but Ally as well. We quite frequently do many of the same things and I don't want her to feel that our life here isn't worth her time. I know in my heart that she isn't fulfilled in life as of now, so I am trying to make a concious effort to make things easier for her. I need to put what little energy I have left into not only making myself look and feel better, but making her look and feel better as well. I have some ideas that willpossibly help her feel better and more like herself....problem is, I know she doesn't really want to be told what she should do for herself:
~increased shaving/waxing
~More underware/bras with innovative chest augmenting techniques
~A larger selection of feminine clothes that fit properly
~A coverup color that matches w/ more make-up experimentation
~SHOES, I think she would feel better if her feet looked feminine more regularly
~Looking into state health care or free clinics for braces and required gender therapy
~Learning to stand tall and proud as the beautiful lesbian she is in the public eye
Ally is so incredibly pretty when she wakes up and puts a tiny amount of effort into herself. Inside, and out she shines. Even if its just a babydoll T and her boy shorts, she is adorable and wonderful. The way her body curves, her gentle movements with it all...absolutely angelic...
She may not be in love with me, but I have not been able to fall out of love with her....I am so proud fo the direction she is going, being stable here with me. I am not going to leave her out in the cold like the world seems to continuously do to her...she is my FAMILY, and as long as I have her here as I do now, I'm happy. I tell her every single day that I love her, as she tells me back, it warms my heart to know she does. All I need now is a good friend that isn't going to back out on me.... Ally is my best friend, my lover, my sourse of affection and care, my closest semblance of family here. I just need someone outside of us who can bare to talk to me on a daily basis to keep my faith in humanity. I have faith in myself and faith in Ally, but there are times when society loses my light of hope and I do not know how life outside will continue.... I just need to know that Ally and I aren't the only decent people left in this world. There is so much ignorance and outright stupidity in the world to the point where the best quality of people get written off. I am sick of it and just 100% SICK of asshole. I am an adult, so why can't everyone else in my age-group act like it? "Bitches all be actin' like zombies in the mall" I guess. That damn statement is becoming more and more true each day I awaken. I have so many interesting things to say, let's see who has the ovaries/balls/reproductive organs to respond intelligently for ONCE.
I am enamored with her.
~Beaw