i hate this.
i hate that i have to be her babysitter. i hate that i have to be her maid. i fucking hate dealing with her when she's healthy, im going fucking crazy dealing with her while she's recovering from major surgery. i hate that my xmas break is shot to hell because i have to take care of her. i am so frustrated, i dont know what to do. half the time i feel like crying, and the other half i feel like screaming. my brother is here, too, and he helps some. but mostly he takes care of the pets and a couple of things around the house, and he'll take care of my mom when im at work or something. i think he hates taking care of her more than i do. i cant explain it, the relationship i have with her and the one my brother has with her. we cant be honest with her, b/c her feelings get hurt so easily and she guilt trips people and holds grudges and plays the victim and doesnt even realize she's doing it and, well, she's just fucked up.
i just dont know what to do or how to feel. i want her to get better, i want her to not be in pain. but i also want her to not fucking be a pain in the ass. i just hate it. i hate it all. i hate giving her her pill every 6 hours and making her food before she takes it and reminding her 5 times a day of things that i've been telling her every day for the last week. i hate having to take care of her fucking cat, whom i dont like and have not liked for the past few years. i hate having to be quiet so she can rest. i hate how my brother seems to be able to get away from the house more than i do. i hate how i spent 100 dollars from my own pocket so she could have plenty of food in the house, but she STILL asks for fucking peanut butter and jelly sandwiches all the time. I BOUGHT A SHITLOAD OF GROCERIES SO YOU COULD STOP WISHING WE HAD SOMETHING BESIDES PBJ!
i hate how when i took her to the doctor today, he laughed at my disgusted expression and said "imagine doing this stuff thirty times a day, hahaha." YOU FUCKING GET PAID TO. YOU WENT TO SCHOOL BECAUSE YOU WANTED TO BE A DOCTOR. AT THE END OF THE DAY, YOU DONT GO HOME WITH HER AND HAVE HAD TO DEAL WITH HER SHIT FOR THE PAST 20 YEARS.
i hate that i dont have more patience to deal with her. but i just dont have it. i dont like her when everything is normal, and i sure as hell dont like her when i constantly have to remind her not to over-do it, and no you dont have to be at work, and no you dont need to do such and such, we'll do it for you and blah blah blah. i know she's on a lot of pain killers and they are confusing her. I KNOW THAT. but it doesnt make it any easier. people can say "oh, she's your mother, she carried you for nine months and raised you all your life and took care of you blah blah blah be grateful, its the least you can do to take care of her now." FUCK THAT. I KNOW THAT, TOO. i think its great that she DID all that. but FUCK! that was her decision. she wanted kids all her life, she likes to provide for people, it is in her nature to nurture, she is the motherly type. i dont think i am that way. im helping her out of a sense of duty. i dont want to, but im doing it anyway.
i dont think i should have to enjoy it. and im complaining abut it here b/c that is part of what this thing is for. im just so damn frustrated and i dont know what to say. i just hate everything thats going on right now. i cant get away from it. its only been a week, but it feels like a month. and when i go back to school, its still not over. there's a lot more ahead. i might have to still be at home a lot of the time watching her after school starts, b/c i KNOW she'll push herself too far if no one is there to stop her. she'll hurt herself and then it'll be more of the same shit, but for idiotic reasons.
I had a really hard semester, what with two grandparents dying, and all i wanted was to be able to relax for a few weeks before next semester starts. (and before you say it, i know the last months have been harder for her b/c they were her parents. i didnt say i have been the only one suffering from that loss.) but on top of the stress of ahving to be her nurse, xmas sucked royally. i had to do everything, go tno thatnks, had to go to work, and got hit with the realization on xmas eve that the holiday holds no magic for me anymore with my grandmama and grandaddy gone. god, i fucking hate it. this break sucks so bad.
i dont like hating this. i dont like feeling this way toward her. but it is what it is and i dont know how to handle it. i dont want to be short with her (which i am starting to do) b/c it hurts her feelings. i know she cant help the way she is right now and i dont want her to feel bad for the way she's acting. but GOD DAMN! all the little things that she normally does that bother me are amplified 100 times now that im frustrated with having to be her fucking babysitter! i dont know what else to say. if i sound like a terrible person, thats too bad. this is one time i really dont care. i know what its like to be her daughter, no one else does. i know how much i dislike her at times (most times). i love her, but i cant stand her and its hard to explain it in words.
!!!FUCK!!!
i hate this.
i just dont know what to do or how to feel. i want her to get better, i want her to not be in pain. but i also want her to not fucking be a pain in the ass. i just hate it. i hate it all. i hate giving her her pill every 6 hours and making her food before she takes it and reminding her 5 times a day of things that i've been telling her every day for the last week. i hate having to take care of her fucking cat, whom i dont like and have not liked for the past few years. i hate having to be quiet so she can rest. i hate how my brother seems to be able to get away from the house more than i do. i hate how i spent 100 dollars from my own pocket so she could have plenty of food in the house, but she STILL asks for fucking peanut butter and jelly sandwiches all the time. I BOUGHT A SHITLOAD OF GROCERIES SO YOU COULD STOP WISHING WE HAD SOMETHING BESIDES PBJ!
i hate how when i took her to the doctor today, he laughed at my disgusted expression and said "imagine doing this stuff thirty times a day, hahaha." YOU FUCKING GET PAID TO. YOU WENT TO SCHOOL BECAUSE YOU WANTED TO BE A DOCTOR. AT THE END OF THE DAY, YOU DONT GO HOME WITH HER AND HAVE HAD TO DEAL WITH HER SHIT FOR THE PAST 20 YEARS.
i hate that i dont have more patience to deal with her. but i just dont have it. i dont like her when everything is normal, and i sure as hell dont like her when i constantly have to remind her not to over-do it, and no you dont have to be at work, and no you dont need to do such and such, we'll do it for you and blah blah blah. i know she's on a lot of pain killers and they are confusing her. I KNOW THAT. but it doesnt make it any easier. people can say "oh, she's your mother, she carried you for nine months and raised you all your life and took care of you blah blah blah be grateful, its the least you can do to take care of her now." FUCK THAT. I KNOW THAT, TOO. i think its great that she DID all that. but FUCK! that was her decision. she wanted kids all her life, she likes to provide for people, it is in her nature to nurture, she is the motherly type. i dont think i am that way. im helping her out of a sense of duty. i dont want to, but im doing it anyway.
i dont think i should have to enjoy it. and im complaining abut it here b/c that is part of what this thing is for. im just so damn frustrated and i dont know what to say. i just hate everything thats going on right now. i cant get away from it. its only been a week, but it feels like a month. and when i go back to school, its still not over. there's a lot more ahead. i might have to still be at home a lot of the time watching her after school starts, b/c i KNOW she'll push herself too far if no one is there to stop her. she'll hurt herself and then it'll be more of the same shit, but for idiotic reasons.
I had a really hard semester, what with two grandparents dying, and all i wanted was to be able to relax for a few weeks before next semester starts. (and before you say it, i know the last months have been harder for her b/c they were her parents. i didnt say i have been the only one suffering from that loss.) but on top of the stress of ahving to be her nurse, xmas sucked royally. i had to do everything, go tno thatnks, had to go to work, and got hit with the realization on xmas eve that the holiday holds no magic for me anymore with my grandmama and grandaddy gone. god, i fucking hate it. this break sucks so bad.
i dont like hating this. i dont like feeling this way toward her. but it is what it is and i dont know how to handle it. i dont want to be short with her (which i am starting to do) b/c it hurts her feelings. i know she cant help the way she is right now and i dont want her to feel bad for the way she's acting. but GOD DAMN! all the little things that she normally does that bother me are amplified 100 times now that im frustrated with having to be her fucking babysitter! i dont know what else to say. if i sound like a terrible person, thats too bad. this is one time i really dont care. i know what its like to be her daughter, no one else does. i know how much i dislike her at times (most times). i love her, but i cant stand her and its hard to explain it in words.
!!!FUCK!!!
i hate this.