long cheesy emo goodness
lets see...what are all the thigns going on in my life right now...need to find a place to live...but to find a place to live i need rent money...but for rent money i need a job...but to get a job i need an address and more time...on top of that i need a car or transportation of some sort...i feel like i'm back to where i was before...i guess i AM back to where i was before though...well almost there...i'm tryin to do whatever i can to make sure i dont get to that point...i hate the way i am where i get stuck in a rut and dig myself a deeper hole by goin back to my old habits of smokin and hanging and smoking while hangin out an gettin high then gettin rolled (by the cops...none of that x shit)...and i know that its fuckin me over but it takes me losing that one important person for me to kick myself in the balls and get started on fixin my life again...i was on a roll earlier this year man...i was goin to court and probation and everything...now...i'm struggling organize it all and always checkin online to make sure there isnt a warrant on me because i may have accidentally missed a court date...i hate myself especially for not noticing what i was doing to our relationship...i mean i wasnt the only one who needed to work things out but i was the one with the most things to work out...i was stretching the line so thin that all it needed was one bad night to fuck it all up...and lo and behold thanks to my almighty fuck shit up skills i'm now fighting back against the fate that i laid for myself just so i can be with her again...maybe its wrong that i'm doing it all for her instead of me...no...i'm not doing it because i want her...i'm doing it cause i want us...my actions from so many occasions have only shown her that i dont care what happens to me which and thus dont care what happens to us...it hurts me to know that she believes that i dont care about us...i've always cared about us...there have been many times where i didnt care what happened to me but i never wanted us to not be apart...i wasnt thinking about what would happen to us...i wasnt thinking about how you would feel about my downward spiral...i was being selfish and stupid and it took you breaking up with me to realize it...i'm so sorry carlotta for doing the things i did and making the choices i made...i fucked up...again...i dont expect you to take me back or to forgive me...i just want you to know that i'm trying and more than just for you or for me...for a dream that we shared...if you're willing to take me back i promise you wont be disappointed in me...i love you so much carlotta...for always and ever
~your panda bear
~your panda bear