I know you're in there. I can hear you caring!
I remember some of the other things that I was planning to write about yesterday, and now some of those seem rather trite, well, for the moment anyway...
I was going to write about how I was worried that I'd never be in love with anyone and that I'd, to quoth Bridget Jones, ascend to the level Spinster-dom. While that is on my mind somewhat, I realized with my life being what it is right now, that I really would do a boyfriend severe diservice. I mean, I'm not exactly in the position to really be there for him. I've got my needy family. I think that we'd be lonely, cause I wouldn't be able to do a whole lot with him. [I wouldn't expect him to pay for everything. I'm modern enough to like to pay.] I also know for a fact that unless you're related to them, he would have a very hard time hanging out here even. Especially if he was my boyfriend. He'd most likely get ragged on for being my boyfriend and have to listen to them make fun of me or something. I doubt he would tolerate that....*dreams* Having a boyfriend would be fun though...I think that maybe after I clear some of the things on my list in the previous post, I might just put myself out there a bit more...^_^
...Since I guess I am writing about those things, I might as well keep going.
I've been thinking about my weight a lot recently. I just feel so unhealthy. I feel tired a lot. [This could also be from my uneven sleep schedule. My only "me" time is when everyone is asleep, so I tend to stay awake until the wee hours of the morning and be up with Zach a couple of hours later.] I hate having only t-shirts and jeans in my wardrobe. Don't get me wrong, I love the comfort, but I've been having this odd desire to dress more femininely as of late. Not going overboard, but just feel a little more like a woman... I don't know where that came from, but that's just this feeling in the back of my nog.
I need to make some inner changes to myself, though. Nothing to who I am integrally, just certain characteristics that I find weak and unbecomming on an adult. I try to blame my inability to do things on other people and things, but honestly, I am the one to blame. I'm comming to realize this more and more everyday, and even more when I talk to nekuranotensai, _snoogans_, and even when I talk to Sarah. I act like a child on too many levels. I need to become independent and responisble.
My plan of action
About Love: I need to be myself. I need to feel good in my own skin. Confidence is attractive is what I'm told. I'm still going to stick to my 'just let it happen' theory.
About my health: I need to take a long hard look at my daily habits and routines. I need to make more concious choices about what I eat and drink and how much I exercise. [Which I REALLY need to do more of. I think since Nicky told me to take Zach outside for 30 minutes a day, I should put him in the stroller and just walk up and down the street. And I could dance stupidly more, that usually gets my heart pumpin'.] I have to remember some advice someone who was heavier than me and was able to lose the weight told me "Baby Steps". I think that just doing these things will be the start to making me feel better inside and out. And while sleep is really important, I really don't want to give up the "me" time that I require to maintain my sanity. I think that if I'm able to go home on the weekends I'll try to be in bed by at least 2am. ^_^
About Me Inside: I think that no matter what this will be the most problematic area to deal with. I mean, come on, I think that no one has an easy time taking a good, long, inward look inside themselves to find out something more of who they are. I think that this will be a good test of my mettle and if I have the balls to stick it out. I think that my two biggest personality flaws are 1) my laziness and 2) my dependence on people.
1) Lazy. I've been lazy for as long as I can remember, and this will make it the toughest for me to change. I'll basically be fighting myself all the way. I'm not exactly known for my promptness when doing things. I realize but don't practise that if I just do something now instead of later that my life would run smoother and I wouldn't be left out.
2)Dependence on people. I do think that I'm too dependent. This [in my mind] enables me to put blame on those who don't actually deserve it. Well, okay, sometimes, they do, but there are times they don't. I gotta put on my big-girl panties and start being responsible for me.
...Anyone have any other ideas??? lol.
-----------------------------------------------------------
And now for something completely different.
nekuranotensai, did you ever get to watch Waterboys [the series]? Cause if you haven't I need to make you a copy, there is a hottie or two that make me tingle some. LOL. And there are JAPANESE BOYS IN SPEEDOES....MMMM!
For some reason, I've been floored by Indian (the country) music lately. I wish I knew where I could get more.
I'm really wanting to get caught up on my manga, mainly Bleach and AirGear. Since I'm not really able to do that here, hopefully _snoogans_ can hook me up on MSN with Bleach, and I can try for AirGear...
I find my self arting a bit more recently, going to attempt a couple of requests and another submission for songblade [might as well make the snail-mailing more interesting...]
Not much else is really going on right now...I think I'm going to forgo buying Conquoror of Shamballa so I can make a Renji t-shirt or something *love*
I need to go to bed now, so oyasumi nasai minna.
I was going to write about how I was worried that I'd never be in love with anyone and that I'd, to quoth Bridget Jones, ascend to the level Spinster-dom. While that is on my mind somewhat, I realized with my life being what it is right now, that I really would do a boyfriend severe diservice. I mean, I'm not exactly in the position to really be there for him. I've got my needy family. I think that we'd be lonely, cause I wouldn't be able to do a whole lot with him. [I wouldn't expect him to pay for everything. I'm modern enough to like to pay.] I also know for a fact that unless you're related to them, he would have a very hard time hanging out here even. Especially if he was my boyfriend. He'd most likely get ragged on for being my boyfriend and have to listen to them make fun of me or something. I doubt he would tolerate that....*dreams* Having a boyfriend would be fun though...I think that maybe after I clear some of the things on my list in the previous post, I might just put myself out there a bit more...^_^
...Since I guess I am writing about those things, I might as well keep going.
I've been thinking about my weight a lot recently. I just feel so unhealthy. I feel tired a lot. [This could also be from my uneven sleep schedule. My only "me" time is when everyone is asleep, so I tend to stay awake until the wee hours of the morning and be up with Zach a couple of hours later.] I hate having only t-shirts and jeans in my wardrobe. Don't get me wrong, I love the comfort, but I've been having this odd desire to dress more femininely as of late. Not going overboard, but just feel a little more like a woman... I don't know where that came from, but that's just this feeling in the back of my nog.
I need to make some inner changes to myself, though. Nothing to who I am integrally, just certain characteristics that I find weak and unbecomming on an adult. I try to blame my inability to do things on other people and things, but honestly, I am the one to blame. I'm comming to realize this more and more everyday, and even more when I talk to nekuranotensai, _snoogans_, and even when I talk to Sarah. I act like a child on too many levels. I need to become independent and responisble.
My plan of action
About Love: I need to be myself. I need to feel good in my own skin. Confidence is attractive is what I'm told. I'm still going to stick to my 'just let it happen' theory.
About my health: I need to take a long hard look at my daily habits and routines. I need to make more concious choices about what I eat and drink and how much I exercise. [Which I REALLY need to do more of. I think since Nicky told me to take Zach outside for 30 minutes a day, I should put him in the stroller and just walk up and down the street. And I could dance stupidly more, that usually gets my heart pumpin'.] I have to remember some advice someone who was heavier than me and was able to lose the weight told me "Baby Steps". I think that just doing these things will be the start to making me feel better inside and out. And while sleep is really important, I really don't want to give up the "me" time that I require to maintain my sanity. I think that if I'm able to go home on the weekends I'll try to be in bed by at least 2am. ^_^
About Me Inside: I think that no matter what this will be the most problematic area to deal with. I mean, come on, I think that no one has an easy time taking a good, long, inward look inside themselves to find out something more of who they are. I think that this will be a good test of my mettle and if I have the balls to stick it out. I think that my two biggest personality flaws are 1) my laziness and 2) my dependence on people.
1) Lazy. I've been lazy for as long as I can remember, and this will make it the toughest for me to change. I'll basically be fighting myself all the way. I'm not exactly known for my promptness when doing things. I realize but don't practise that if I just do something now instead of later that my life would run smoother and I wouldn't be left out.
2)Dependence on people. I do think that I'm too dependent. This [in my mind] enables me to put blame on those who don't actually deserve it. Well, okay, sometimes, they do, but there are times they don't. I gotta put on my big-girl panties and start being responsible for me.
...Anyone have any other ideas??? lol.
-----------------------------------------------------------
And now for something completely different.
nekuranotensai, did you ever get to watch Waterboys [the series]? Cause if you haven't I need to make you a copy, there is a hottie or two that make me tingle some. LOL. And there are JAPANESE BOYS IN SPEEDOES....MMMM!
For some reason, I've been floored by Indian (the country) music lately. I wish I knew where I could get more.
I'm really wanting to get caught up on my manga, mainly Bleach and AirGear. Since I'm not really able to do that here, hopefully _snoogans_ can hook me up on MSN with Bleach, and I can try for AirGear...
I find my self arting a bit more recently, going to attempt a couple of requests and another submission for songblade [might as well make the snail-mailing more interesting...]
Not much else is really going on right now...I think I'm going to forgo buying Conquoror of Shamballa so I can make a Renji t-shirt or something *love*
I need to go to bed now, so oyasumi nasai minna.