Smallfandom Big Bang, Falling into Darkness, Chapter 2
Title: Falling Into Darkness
Summary: In a moment of insanity - during one of the many arguments Nick and Will have about Arianna's custody - Nick stabs Will.
This is what comes immediatly after.
This, this is not what was supposed to happen. It is not what he intended to happen.
Not even close.
His hands are shaking. They’re covered in Will’s blood. So is his sweater, and his pants. His pants are wet and covered in grass stains and that’s not important, it’s not, but it’s all he can really focus on. Because if he focuses on the blood he’ll lose it. He will. So he must focus on the grass stains because those don’t mean anything. They don’t prove anything. But the blood on his hands, all the blood proves that it did happen. It’s the proof that he didn’t just dream this moment. It means that Will is truly lying on the grass, bleeding, dying. It means he did this.
He stabbed him.
Oh god, what did I do?
He hadn’t meant to do it, he hadn’t. Hurting Will, physically hurting him, had never, ever been a part of his plan. Not ever. It hadn’t even occurred to him. They’d had problems, sure - mostly his fault, he knows, even if he can’t truly acknowledge it - but he hadn’t wanted to hurt him. This was an accident. It was not deliberate. He doesn’t want Will to die, he doesn’t, he doesn’t, he doesn’t. Nobody will ever believe him if they find out about this, he’s aware of that, but that doesn’t make it any less the truth. He doesn’t want Will to die, and he never meant to hurt him. He didn’t mean for this to happen.
He loves Will.
He does.
As unbelievable as that will sound to everyone - especially after all that has happened over the past year and a half, all he has done - it is the truth. And why did he do all those things, he suddenly wonders, why couldn’t he just compromise? Will had always been willing to do that, especially in the beginning, so why couldn’t he just go along with it? (Oh God, he’s going back to prison, isn’t he? Oh God, it’s all going to happen again, isn’t it?) Nobody will ever believe any of this, of course. Hell, he’s privy to his own thoughts and feelings and he doesn’t believe himself, so how can he expect anyone else to?
Perhaps he could have convinced people he didn’t want to hurt Will before this moment. Perhaps just a few hours ago he might have been able to convince them he loves the younger man. But now Will is bleeding out on the grass and his hands are covered in blood and the knife is lying at his feet and he’s shaking and how did this happened.
This wasn’t supposed to happen.
He hadn’t planned it.
He truly, truly hadn’t.
He’s not even sure how it happened. He’s losing the precious little control he has - over his life and over his own emotions and thoughts. They’re getting jumbled up and he can’t quite make sense of anything anymore. It’s been that way for a while, if he’s honest, and he’d thought - he’d convinced himself - that all he needed was Gabi and Arianna, and that once they were a family everything would be alright. And so he’d ignored everyone else, even when he knew deep down they were right. It all became a mess in his head and it was all too much and so he’d come here to calm down and think. He’d finally realized that he probably needed help, that perhaps he should reach out for help because it was all getting to be too much. All he had to do was convince someone he truly needed help. He hadn’t been able to figure out how because he couldn’t quite find a way to convince himself.
It was all too much.
And now, not that much later, there is blood everywhere and Will is lying unmoving on the grass. Everything has gone so horribly, horribly wrong. How did this even happen? How did they get here? How did they allow things to get this far out of hand? Why hadn’t he stopped himself? Why hadn’t he listened? It’s unbelievable. Last year Will hadn’t left him behind and had almost gotten himself killed. He’d almost never met his beautiful little girl. And now in gratitude, as a reward for that unselfish act, Nick has killed him.
He hadn’t meant to do it.
He hadn’t, he hadn’t, he hadn’t.
But he’d been so lost in his thoughts and feelings. So sure that Gabi was the way to security, to feeling alright again. And Will just wouldn’t back down. It was understandable, Nick knows that, but back then, in that moment, he hadn’t understood it.
And then Will had been standing in front of him, angry, and yet still calm enough to have a conversation. That’s all they needed to do, calmly have a conversation. But then they were yelling at each other, and he can’t remember with clarity how they got there, but he’s sure the memory will return at some point. And then he was holding a knife and….
And Will was on the ground.
He hadn’t brought the knife with him for this reason. That’s something else he suspects nobody will ever believe. Because if he wasn’t planning on using it, then why was he carrying a knife around? The answer to that is simple: because he always carries one. Because ever since that moment last year where he’d almost been killed he’d felt safer with some kind of weapon with him. The knife made him feel safe and protected. He just wanted to be able to defend himself.
And now he’s used it to stab Will.
The knife is lying on the grass in front of him and he can’t even remember letting it go.
There’s blood everywhere.
Will is not moving.
Will is not moving.
Before he realizes what he’s doing he’s on his knees beside Will. He’s shaking. He doesn’t know what to do. He’s having trouble breathing but that isn’t important at all. He can only imagine how much trouble Will is having. This is all his fault and what he’s feeling simply doesn’t matter. He’s talking - when did he start doing that? - but he has no idea what he’s saying or why he’s saying it. And he can’t stop.
“Will…I’m sorry….Will…I didn’t mean to.”
He has to stop the bleeding. That’s what he has to do. Just press his hands against the wound and stop the bleeding. But there’s so much blood. How can there be so much blood? Did he only stab him once or was it more times? Are there wounds he can’t see? He can’t remember. It’s all a mess, a hazy mess in his head and nothing makes sense.
“I’m sorry, Will….”
And he is, he is, he is.
Oh God, how could he have done this? How did they get here? How did things get so far out of hand? How did they go from Will being willing to die for him to him stabbing Will? How? It’s his fault, he knows it, but that doesn’t mean he understands it. Or maybe he does understand and know. Maybe he does remember every single second of what brought them here. Maybe he just doesn’t want to acknowledge that he does.
“I can’t believe this is happening again…”
He remembers it clearly. He remembers Will saving him and suddenly lying unmoving on the ground. He remembers that feeling of utter helplessness as he watched events unfold. He remembers being completely convinced that Will was dead. He remembers how that felt. His own words - said with so much anger towards someone else last year - are haunting him, mocking him.
He is innocent.
He had his whole life ahead of him.
He’d meant them, those words. He meant every one of them. He still does.
This can’t be truth.
It has to be some kind of horrible nightmare, it simply has to be. He has to be dreaming, there is no other option. Because if he is dreaming, then he can just wake up and all of this won’t have happened. And then he can still fix everything. Because he can change. He can. Except he’s not dreaming, because that would be too easy. But it is a nightmare, it’s just not one he can wake up from.
“I’m sorry this happened…..I wish things were different….”
But it might make things better.
Will not being around anymore might be better for everyone involved. It’s a horrible thought and he can’t quite believe he’s even thought it, but he has. It’s not like it hasn’t occurred to him before. Not in such a horrible way, of course. But he’s always thoughts that everything would have been so much better if the truth about Will being Arianna’s father had never been discovered. Everything would have been better if Will had accepted that Arianna would be better off without him. That would have been better.
But this?
This is not better.
Because Will shouldn’t die. That’s not what he wants, that’s not better. How could that be better? How could that have even occurred to him? He truly wishes things were different. Truly.
Why did he not stop himself?
Why did he not listen to the people around him that were honestly trying to help him?
Why?
“Will….”
He’s sobbing and shaking and trying to stop the flow of blood but there is just so much of it.
There must be something else he can do.
And then it hits him and he can’t quite believe it hadn’t occurred to him before: he can call for help. All has to do is get his phone. But where is it? And even if he remembers where he put his phone, how is he supposed to call for help without moving his hands? He’s not sure if he’s actually managing to help Will in any way but surely moving his hands will make it much worse than it is? Maybe using Will’s phone will be of more use, surely Will’s phone must be closer than his own.
But who does he call?
An ambulance seems logical, a doctor, the police. But what does he say? He doesn’t want to go back to prison. How does he even begin to explain this?
“I’m sorry…”
“Don’t die…I don’t want you to die…”
“No…no….no….”
Will isn’t moving and the blood is everywhere now. He’s not sure there is still a point in trying to stop it but he can’t just move his hands. Except he has to. Because he has to get help. (He has to get away from this place.) Move your hands, Nick, move your hands and get help. Just get up. Just move. Will is white - too white - and he’s not moving anymore, but then he hasn’t for a while. Is he even breathing? Does he even have a pulse? Is he just trying to stop the bleeding of a person that has already died? He has to check. He doesn’t want to, but he has to. So he moves one hand, slowly up, checking to see if there is still a pulse and… yes, there is one, it’s faint but it’s there.
It’s not too late, yet.
He can still help him.
He’s barely breathing and his pulse is exceptionally weak, but he’s still alive and that’s something. All he has to do is find a phone. That’s it. Just find Will’s phone. And then he sees it, lying underneath Will’s unmoving body, it must have fallen during the fight.
The phone is broken.
The phone is broken!
How can this be happening? Just calm down, Nick, just calm down, find your own phone. He stands, there’s no point in pressing down anymore, and there it is, on the ground, next to the knife. He picks them both up and without thinking puts the knife in his pocked.
Will looks worse than he did a second ago.
He’s not moving.
He’s so white.
He falls back down on his knees, searching for the pulse he’d found before but it’s no longer there.
It’s too late.
It’s too late.
Will is dead.
Will is dead.
He’s killed Will Horton. He’s killed his cousin. He’s killed Ari’s father. He’s killed Gabi’s best friend. He’s killed Sonny’s husband. He’s killed the boy that had once been willing to die for him.
He can’t stay here, he knows that, he has to go. Someone will eventually come by and see what has happened. And when that happens he has to be far away.
“I’m sorry, Will, I’m so sorry.”
He tries to run, but he’s unable to. He can barely stand. He walks slowly, not even paying attention to where he’s going. He doesn’t stop until he finds himself standing in front of the river Sami, Gabi and Kate threw him in just a few months ago.
Will is actually dead.
He is dead.
He’s killed him.
He can’t believe it.
But, but what if he hasn’t? What if it isn’t too late yet? He hadn’t been able to find a pulse, but he’s not a doctor so what does he know? He was panicking, after all, he could have made a mistake. Maybe Will is still alive, maybe he can still be saved. He’s holding his phone and his hands are shaking but he does somehow manage to dial 911.
“Someone has been stabbed…please….Please….help him….save him….”
And if you can, he thinks, if you can think of a way, then please try to save me too.
He mumbles Will’s location and then hangs up, staring at the water in front of him. He’s holding the knife again - when did he take it out of his pocket? He should have died in this river, he knows that now, he should never have come back at all. He ruins everything he touches, and if they let him near Ari he will ruin her too. Maybe Will always knew that. Maybe that’s why he was trying so hard to keep him out of Ari’s life. Maybe everything will still be alright, somehow.
He drops the knife into the river and watches it disappear.
Maybe Will can still be saved.
Maybe he won’t be able to remember what happened and he won’t end up in prison.
He might still be able to avoid that fate.
But for now he has to get somewhere safe. where he can stop shaking, where he can shower and get rid of everything that will prove that he was ever near Will when the other man got stabbed. And then…then he’ll get help for himself, he’ll make everything better somehow. Perhaps he’ll simply leave and never come back, that might be best for everyone. He hasn’t decided yet, but somehow it will all happen this way. At least he hopes it will.
If Will has not died, than everything might still be alright.
It will turn out alright.
It has to.
Summary: In a moment of insanity - during one of the many arguments Nick and Will have about Arianna's custody - Nick stabs Will.
This is what comes immediatly after.
This, this is not what was supposed to happen. It is not what he intended to happen.
Not even close.
His hands are shaking. They’re covered in Will’s blood. So is his sweater, and his pants. His pants are wet and covered in grass stains and that’s not important, it’s not, but it’s all he can really focus on. Because if he focuses on the blood he’ll lose it. He will. So he must focus on the grass stains because those don’t mean anything. They don’t prove anything. But the blood on his hands, all the blood proves that it did happen. It’s the proof that he didn’t just dream this moment. It means that Will is truly lying on the grass, bleeding, dying. It means he did this.
He stabbed him.
Oh god, what did I do?
He hadn’t meant to do it, he hadn’t. Hurting Will, physically hurting him, had never, ever been a part of his plan. Not ever. It hadn’t even occurred to him. They’d had problems, sure - mostly his fault, he knows, even if he can’t truly acknowledge it - but he hadn’t wanted to hurt him. This was an accident. It was not deliberate. He doesn’t want Will to die, he doesn’t, he doesn’t, he doesn’t. Nobody will ever believe him if they find out about this, he’s aware of that, but that doesn’t make it any less the truth. He doesn’t want Will to die, and he never meant to hurt him. He didn’t mean for this to happen.
He loves Will.
He does.
As unbelievable as that will sound to everyone - especially after all that has happened over the past year and a half, all he has done - it is the truth. And why did he do all those things, he suddenly wonders, why couldn’t he just compromise? Will had always been willing to do that, especially in the beginning, so why couldn’t he just go along with it? (Oh God, he’s going back to prison, isn’t he? Oh God, it’s all going to happen again, isn’t it?) Nobody will ever believe any of this, of course. Hell, he’s privy to his own thoughts and feelings and he doesn’t believe himself, so how can he expect anyone else to?
Perhaps he could have convinced people he didn’t want to hurt Will before this moment. Perhaps just a few hours ago he might have been able to convince them he loves the younger man. But now Will is bleeding out on the grass and his hands are covered in blood and the knife is lying at his feet and he’s shaking and how did this happened.
This wasn’t supposed to happen.
He hadn’t planned it.
He truly, truly hadn’t.
He’s not even sure how it happened. He’s losing the precious little control he has - over his life and over his own emotions and thoughts. They’re getting jumbled up and he can’t quite make sense of anything anymore. It’s been that way for a while, if he’s honest, and he’d thought - he’d convinced himself - that all he needed was Gabi and Arianna, and that once they were a family everything would be alright. And so he’d ignored everyone else, even when he knew deep down they were right. It all became a mess in his head and it was all too much and so he’d come here to calm down and think. He’d finally realized that he probably needed help, that perhaps he should reach out for help because it was all getting to be too much. All he had to do was convince someone he truly needed help. He hadn’t been able to figure out how because he couldn’t quite find a way to convince himself.
It was all too much.
And now, not that much later, there is blood everywhere and Will is lying unmoving on the grass. Everything has gone so horribly, horribly wrong. How did this even happen? How did they get here? How did they allow things to get this far out of hand? Why hadn’t he stopped himself? Why hadn’t he listened? It’s unbelievable. Last year Will hadn’t left him behind and had almost gotten himself killed. He’d almost never met his beautiful little girl. And now in gratitude, as a reward for that unselfish act, Nick has killed him.
He hadn’t meant to do it.
He hadn’t, he hadn’t, he hadn’t.
But he’d been so lost in his thoughts and feelings. So sure that Gabi was the way to security, to feeling alright again. And Will just wouldn’t back down. It was understandable, Nick knows that, but back then, in that moment, he hadn’t understood it.
And then Will had been standing in front of him, angry, and yet still calm enough to have a conversation. That’s all they needed to do, calmly have a conversation. But then they were yelling at each other, and he can’t remember with clarity how they got there, but he’s sure the memory will return at some point. And then he was holding a knife and….
And Will was on the ground.
He hadn’t brought the knife with him for this reason. That’s something else he suspects nobody will ever believe. Because if he wasn’t planning on using it, then why was he carrying a knife around? The answer to that is simple: because he always carries one. Because ever since that moment last year where he’d almost been killed he’d felt safer with some kind of weapon with him. The knife made him feel safe and protected. He just wanted to be able to defend himself.
And now he’s used it to stab Will.
The knife is lying on the grass in front of him and he can’t even remember letting it go.
There’s blood everywhere.
Will is not moving.
Will is not moving.
Before he realizes what he’s doing he’s on his knees beside Will. He’s shaking. He doesn’t know what to do. He’s having trouble breathing but that isn’t important at all. He can only imagine how much trouble Will is having. This is all his fault and what he’s feeling simply doesn’t matter. He’s talking - when did he start doing that? - but he has no idea what he’s saying or why he’s saying it. And he can’t stop.
“Will…I’m sorry….Will…I didn’t mean to.”
He has to stop the bleeding. That’s what he has to do. Just press his hands against the wound and stop the bleeding. But there’s so much blood. How can there be so much blood? Did he only stab him once or was it more times? Are there wounds he can’t see? He can’t remember. It’s all a mess, a hazy mess in his head and nothing makes sense.
“I’m sorry, Will….”
And he is, he is, he is.
Oh God, how could he have done this? How did they get here? How did things get so far out of hand? How did they go from Will being willing to die for him to him stabbing Will? How? It’s his fault, he knows it, but that doesn’t mean he understands it. Or maybe he does understand and know. Maybe he does remember every single second of what brought them here. Maybe he just doesn’t want to acknowledge that he does.
“I can’t believe this is happening again…”
He remembers it clearly. He remembers Will saving him and suddenly lying unmoving on the ground. He remembers that feeling of utter helplessness as he watched events unfold. He remembers being completely convinced that Will was dead. He remembers how that felt. His own words - said with so much anger towards someone else last year - are haunting him, mocking him.
He is innocent.
He had his whole life ahead of him.
He’d meant them, those words. He meant every one of them. He still does.
This can’t be truth.
It has to be some kind of horrible nightmare, it simply has to be. He has to be dreaming, there is no other option. Because if he is dreaming, then he can just wake up and all of this won’t have happened. And then he can still fix everything. Because he can change. He can. Except he’s not dreaming, because that would be too easy. But it is a nightmare, it’s just not one he can wake up from.
“I’m sorry this happened…..I wish things were different….”
But it might make things better.
Will not being around anymore might be better for everyone involved. It’s a horrible thought and he can’t quite believe he’s even thought it, but he has. It’s not like it hasn’t occurred to him before. Not in such a horrible way, of course. But he’s always thoughts that everything would have been so much better if the truth about Will being Arianna’s father had never been discovered. Everything would have been better if Will had accepted that Arianna would be better off without him. That would have been better.
But this?
This is not better.
Because Will shouldn’t die. That’s not what he wants, that’s not better. How could that be better? How could that have even occurred to him? He truly wishes things were different. Truly.
Why did he not stop himself?
Why did he not listen to the people around him that were honestly trying to help him?
Why?
“Will….”
He’s sobbing and shaking and trying to stop the flow of blood but there is just so much of it.
There must be something else he can do.
And then it hits him and he can’t quite believe it hadn’t occurred to him before: he can call for help. All has to do is get his phone. But where is it? And even if he remembers where he put his phone, how is he supposed to call for help without moving his hands? He’s not sure if he’s actually managing to help Will in any way but surely moving his hands will make it much worse than it is? Maybe using Will’s phone will be of more use, surely Will’s phone must be closer than his own.
But who does he call?
An ambulance seems logical, a doctor, the police. But what does he say? He doesn’t want to go back to prison. How does he even begin to explain this?
“I’m sorry…”
“Don’t die…I don’t want you to die…”
“No…no….no….”
Will isn’t moving and the blood is everywhere now. He’s not sure there is still a point in trying to stop it but he can’t just move his hands. Except he has to. Because he has to get help. (He has to get away from this place.) Move your hands, Nick, move your hands and get help. Just get up. Just move. Will is white - too white - and he’s not moving anymore, but then he hasn’t for a while. Is he even breathing? Does he even have a pulse? Is he just trying to stop the bleeding of a person that has already died? He has to check. He doesn’t want to, but he has to. So he moves one hand, slowly up, checking to see if there is still a pulse and… yes, there is one, it’s faint but it’s there.
It’s not too late, yet.
He can still help him.
He’s barely breathing and his pulse is exceptionally weak, but he’s still alive and that’s something. All he has to do is find a phone. That’s it. Just find Will’s phone. And then he sees it, lying underneath Will’s unmoving body, it must have fallen during the fight.
The phone is broken.
The phone is broken!
How can this be happening? Just calm down, Nick, just calm down, find your own phone. He stands, there’s no point in pressing down anymore, and there it is, on the ground, next to the knife. He picks them both up and without thinking puts the knife in his pocked.
Will looks worse than he did a second ago.
He’s not moving.
He’s so white.
He falls back down on his knees, searching for the pulse he’d found before but it’s no longer there.
It’s too late.
It’s too late.
Will is dead.
Will is dead.
He’s killed Will Horton. He’s killed his cousin. He’s killed Ari’s father. He’s killed Gabi’s best friend. He’s killed Sonny’s husband. He’s killed the boy that had once been willing to die for him.
He can’t stay here, he knows that, he has to go. Someone will eventually come by and see what has happened. And when that happens he has to be far away.
“I’m sorry, Will, I’m so sorry.”
He tries to run, but he’s unable to. He can barely stand. He walks slowly, not even paying attention to where he’s going. He doesn’t stop until he finds himself standing in front of the river Sami, Gabi and Kate threw him in just a few months ago.
Will is actually dead.
He is dead.
He’s killed him.
He can’t believe it.
But, but what if he hasn’t? What if it isn’t too late yet? He hadn’t been able to find a pulse, but he’s not a doctor so what does he know? He was panicking, after all, he could have made a mistake. Maybe Will is still alive, maybe he can still be saved. He’s holding his phone and his hands are shaking but he does somehow manage to dial 911.
“Someone has been stabbed…please….Please….help him….save him….”
And if you can, he thinks, if you can think of a way, then please try to save me too.
He mumbles Will’s location and then hangs up, staring at the water in front of him. He’s holding the knife again - when did he take it out of his pocket? He should have died in this river, he knows that now, he should never have come back at all. He ruins everything he touches, and if they let him near Ari he will ruin her too. Maybe Will always knew that. Maybe that’s why he was trying so hard to keep him out of Ari’s life. Maybe everything will still be alright, somehow.
He drops the knife into the river and watches it disappear.
Maybe Will can still be saved.
Maybe he won’t be able to remember what happened and he won’t end up in prison.
He might still be able to avoid that fate.
But for now he has to get somewhere safe. where he can stop shaking, where he can shower and get rid of everything that will prove that he was ever near Will when the other man got stabbed. And then…then he’ll get help for himself, he’ll make everything better somehow. Perhaps he’ll simply leave and never come back, that might be best for everyone. He hasn’t decided yet, but somehow it will all happen this way. At least he hopes it will.
If Will has not died, than everything might still be alright.
It will turn out alright.
It has to.