Smallfandom Big Bang, Falling into Darkness, Chapter 1
Title: Falling Into Darkness
Summary: In a moment of insanity - during one of the many arguments Nick and Will have about Arianna's custody - Nick stabs Will.
This is what comes immediatly after.
He’s sleeping.
At least, he thinks he is, he must be. Because the world is dark and completely silent. And what else but sleep could possibly make the world this dark? So he must be sleeping. He must be. It’s the only thing that really makes sense. And now, now he’s floating through that dense darkness thinking, I must be asleep, I must be. Or maybe, maybe it’s not floating he’s doing, maybe he’s flying free as a bird. Or perhaps he’s falling, like a bird with broken wings. He hasn’t quite figured it out yet. But he is sleeping, he’s sure of it, because that’s the only thing that makes sense. And yet, at the same time, it doesn’t make sense, because nothing really does. Because the world is too dark for it to be a dream, isn’t it? So it’s not really a dream because there is no dream. Just that darkness he’s floating through (or flying, or falling). But then, he wonders, does everyone actually dream every time they are asleep?
Perhaps the darkness is the dream.
So he’s asleep.
He must be.
And yet, and yet, sleeping doesn’t make sense.
Something is wrong, he can actually feel it. There is something incredibly wrong with the situation he’s found himself in. He knows there is. He doesn’t know what it is, though, he can’t quite figure it out. He can’t point to one thing and say, with absolute certainty, that that is what is wrong. But it’s there, all he has to do is figure out what it is, and then he’ll know what is going on. (He’s not sure that makes sense but then not much does.) It must be something small, something so incredibly obvious he’s just ignoring it. He has to figure this out and once he does he’s pretty sure he’ll be able to wake up. (Because this is a dream, isn’t it?) But there is a small voice - a voice he’s been trying to ignore - that says that knowing will make everything so much worse. That knowing won’t wake him up because he’s not asleep and this is not a dream. It’s the part of him that just wants to keep floating through the darkness and forget everything else. It would be so much easier. Maybe that’s the part of him that actually knows what happened, that remembers how he got here. The part of him protecting the rest of him from the truth. Or maybe it’s all just part of the dream. He’s not sure.
It’s dark.
Too dark.
And the world is completely silent, there’s not a single sound.
He can’t feel anything.
Something is wrong.
Or maybe nothing is wrong, maybe him thinking that something is wrong is just a part of a completely random nightmare. He’s probably just asleep and in his sleep he’s thinking he is not. This dream could just be a consequence of everything that is happening in his life right now. It wouldn’t surprise him. Nick is trying to steal his little girl after all - again, what is with him? - and Gabi is agreeing with him at every turn. His feeling about all of it - anger and disappointment and absolute fear - have already seeped into his writing. A fact which many of his teachers have commented on. So the fact that they now seem to have taken over his dreams? He’s not that surprised by it.
That makes sense.
Except it doesn’t.
Because the thing is, this might all just be a dream - and therefore nothing to worry about - but he doesn’t actually remember going to sleep. He has no memories of ever going home, of putting Ari to bed and crawling into his own bed with Sonny. He doesn’t remember, but if he’s truly asleep, then all of those things must have happened. The not knowing could be a part of the dream - after all do you always remember going to sleep when you’re asleep? He doesn’t know. It’s not something he’s ever thought about. The last thing he remembers is leaving the club. He’d left, determined to talk to… He was going to… He can’t remember, but he does remember it was important. He went out to do something and now he’s here. All of that might just be a part of the dream, this not remembering, but he just doesn’t know. He does know that sometimes dreams have the capability of seeming so real that you don’t quite realize that you are asleep. But then how could he not realize he’s asleep considering he’s floating in dense darkness? But the situation is so wrong. He can’t quite point to something specific but he knows it is there. He knows it. All he has to do is figure it out.
He’s starting to fear this isn’t a dream.
And that really, really, really scares him. Because if he’s not sleeping, then something else is going on. And he’s pretty sure that something else is nothing good. It doesn’t feel like a good thing. It feels like something bad has happened to him and that all he needs to do is remember what it is. Perhaps if he were just to think a little bit more, just analyse the situation critically, he’ll be able to determine what it is that is bothering him.
He’s floating in darkness…
...he must be asleep…
…in his bed…
That’s it.
That’s what’s bothering him. It’s not that he can’t remembering going to bed - that could just be a part of his dream - it just doesn’t feel like he’s lying on a bed. And he knows you can probably never tell whether or not you’re lying on a bed when you’re asleep. But that’s the thing, he feels he’s lying on something, it’s just not a bed. Whatever it is, it’s hard and cold and wet. It’s absolutely not a bed - unless something really, really weird has happened in his apartment, of course. (It’s not outside the realm of possibilities.)
He can’t hear anything - not his own breathing, not Sonny’s, not a damn thing. Except, he realizes suddenly, he is hearing something. Maybe he’s been hearing it the whole time and his brain has only now registered it. It’s like everything is going in slow motion. But the sounds he now realizes he’s hearing don’t calm him down. Because everything he hears - birds and the sound of rustling leaves and insects - do not belong in his bedroom. Not even a little bit.
And it is much, much too cold.
Now that’s odd. Just a second ago he couldn’t hear or feel anything and now he can. It’s like his brain has suddenly kicked in.
He’s cold and wet and freezing and he’s seemingly outside and…
…there’s no way he’s asleep.
There is no way this is a dream.
This is something else entirely. Something has happened to him, he now knows, something bad. It must be because why else would he lie down on the ground outside? Why would he just do that? He wouldn’t, so something must have happened to him? But what? He just doesn’t know. He just can’t remember. All he really knows is that he’s cold and wet and…
...and in pain.
A lot of pain.
It’s really strange the way his brain is processing this situation. It’s like his brain doesn’t think he’ll be able to handle the whole thing at once. Or perhaps time is going much slower than he thinks it’s going, perhaps not that much time has passed. Perhaps everything is going normally, he just doesn’t think they are. At least the pain is real.
It’s a distant kind of pain at first. It spreads slowly until suddenly it’s everywhere. He can’t even tell you what is hurting, just that he’s in pain. He’s having trouble breathing - and how did he not realize that? It feels like he’s on fire, which is not a particularly pleasant feeling. Something has definitely happened to him, he has absolutely no idea what it is but it has happened. It feels somewhat familiar too. It reminds him of that moment a year ago - and oh God, he can’t believe a year has actually passed - when he’d been shot trying to save Nick. It feels somewhat the same. And then he remembers: he’d been floating through darkness too back then.
Is that perhaps what happened? Did he get shot again?
No, no, that’s not it, it can’t be. Because he remembers what it felt like to be shot, he remembers the pain, he remembers all of it. And while this does remind him of that moment, it doesn’t feel the same. It’s something else.
Perhaps he’s been hit by a car.
Except, if he had been hit by a car he wouldn’t be lying on the grass. (Because he is lying on the grass.) And wouldn’t there be people with him if he had been hit by a car?
That’s not it.
So then what? What happened to him? He needs to remember. Because if he remembers he might be able to figure out how to help himself. So he just needs to remember. Remember and wake up and get help. Because this pain is very, very real.
And then he hears a voice calling his name and suddenly there are hands pressing on his body - he suspects that someone is trying to stop the bleeding. (He can’t see it but he suspects he must be bleeding. It makes sense.) Had that voice always been there and had he only now noticed it? Or did someone just stumble on him lying here, wherever here is? Or perhaps not that much time has passed and the fact that he’s only now hearing the voice isn’t that strange. He knows that voice. He does. All he has to do is remember, but he can’t think anymore. He’s freezing and he’s bleeding and it hurts and he’s weak and he’s tired and he just wants to sleep.
“Will…I’m sorry….Will…I didn’t mean to.”
Whoever it is keeps apologizing - and he knows who it is, he does, if his brain would just kick in, then he could actually understand. The voice keeps talking, words upon words, but his brain just can’t seem to comprehend them. He’s not sure it even matters. Everything is going to be alright either way. Because surely this person has called an ambulance and help will arrive at any moment. And then he’ll be able to wake up and tell this other person that everything will be alright. Because his brain might not be able to comprehend every word this other person is saying but he can definitely hear the anguish in the voice. The pain is real. So that means that whatever happened, if this other person is responsible, it must have been an accident. Except, well, you can feel horrible about having done something while still having done it deliberately.
But an accident is far better than the alternative.
The male voice - it’s a guy, he’s not sure when he realized it, but he has - just keeps talking. Just repeating his name, over and over again, pressing down on whatever wounds he has.. They’re still there, even if it wasn’t an accident, and surely that means that everything will be alright now. Except he doesn’t hear the ambulance.
“I’m sorry, Will….”
He knows that voice, he does. It’s on the tip of his tongue - so to speak - but he just can’t remember. He still can’t hear an ambulance, though. Maybe it wasn’t an accident. Maybe whoever did this to him wants him to die here on the cold ground. Does he have any enemies? There are people that don’t like him, he knows that - after all, you can’t get along with everyone. Even if he doesn’t have any personal enemies his mother sure has many. But is there actually someone in his life that wants to kill him? Well, he thinks, there must be, because why else would he be lying here? If this other person wanted to kill him, then why is there still someone by his side trying to stop the bleeding? Maybe it was just something that got out of hand.
If only he could remember.
He’d left the club, he remembers that, determined to talk to someone. So who had he been looking for? What had been so important to him in that moment? If only he could remember, then he’d be able to figure out a solution. (It probably doesn’t work that way, but he has to believe in something.) Unless this has actually nothing to do with him of course. Unless he ran into someone else before he ran into whoever he was looking for. For all he knows the person by his side is not the one who did this to him. Why can’t he hear an ambulance? And what’s with the guilt he can quite clearly hear in his voice?
“I can’t believe this is happening again…”
He’s still floating through darkness - or maybe he’s falling. He knows he’s not flying because he doesn’t feel free, not anymore. He’s losing consciousness, well more so than he already has. But he can’t. He has to stay awake - well he’s not actually awake either but he’s still here, he can still hear, he can still feel. And as long as he does he can still try to find a way to open his eyes. Because he has to do something. But anything he can think of requires far more energy than he feels he has. At least the pain is fading away, at least he’s no longer seemingly on fire. He suspects that’s probably not a good thing, but right now, at least, he’s no longer hurting.
He’s going into shock. He’s dying.
Oh God, he’s dying.
But he can’t die, he can’t. He can’t leave Sonny just a few weeks into their marriage. And wouldn’t that just be horrible? Wouldn’t it just be so terrible that he was the one so afraid to marry Sonny because he was afraid he’d lose everything only to die just a few weeks into their marriage? Long, long ago Adrienne had once told him that someday he would break her son’s heart, perhaps not even intentionally, and he might not recover from that. It looks like that moment has finally arrived, though he doesn’t think this is what she had in mind when she said it. Surely it had never occurred to her that he’d break her son’s heart by dying. He can’t die. He can’t. He can’t go. He can’t leave his little girl, he can’t.
He can’t leave Ari.
He can’t leave Sonny.
He can’t leave Gabi to raise Arianna all on her own.
He can’t leave his friends, or his family.
He can’t die.
He has to open his eyes somehow. He has to find a way to communicate to whomever it is that is sitting beside him. He has to find help. He has to remind this other person that an ambulance needs to be called. Because surely if an ambulance had been called it would have gotten here by now. But then it might be that whole time thing again. It might be that not as much time as he thinks has passed. Perhaps it’s only been a second. Or it might be that whoever it is doesn’t want to help him, no matter how guilty they seemingly feel. Or he hasn’t figured out what he wants. Or he’s just forgotten what one needs to do when a crisis arrives.
It doesn’t matter, he has to wake up.
He has to.
But it’s beginning to look like he won’t be able to.
If there ever was a chance.
“I’m sorry this happened…..I wish things were different….”
It doesn’t make any sense, but nothing about this situation does. If he could recognize the voice he might be able to understand the situation better. At least understanding might bring him some solace.
Someone has to come.
Someone has to.
Help will arrive at some point.
It will.
The alternative is too frightening.
Please, please, I don’t want to die.
“Will….”
He knows that voice, he knows that voice, he knows it. If only his brain would cooperate. He was leaving the club to talk to someone. It had to do something with Ari. Everything is about her. He was looking for…
It’s Nick.
Nick is the one on his knees beside him, talking to him about God only knows what. He’s the one pressing down on his wounds, begging for forgiveness. It’s Nick. Did Nick do this to him? It makes sense, considering all that has happened over the last few weeks. Or did someone else do this and did Nick just stumble on him? That doesn’t make sense. Recognizing the voice has not helped him, it’s just made everything more confusing.
“I’m sorry….”
And then, suddenly, he remembers. It happens in flashes, bits and pieces that don’t tell him a lot, but it’s enough for him to understand. He’d found Nick and they’d gotten into another fight. Nick had lost his patience - which, in retrospect, sounds rather odd. Considering what was going on surely he should have been the one to lose his patience? Nick was the one seemingly in control, after all. And then, suddenly, Nick had been holding a knife. Or maybe he’d always been holding it, that part is fuzzy. But surely, surely if Nick had been armed he wouldn’t have actually gotten into a fight with him. Nick had stabbed him - that is quite obvious by now - but he can’t remember what got them to that point. Had that always been his intention? Or had it been some horrible impulse?
He’s not sure what would be worse.
This can’t be happening.
It’s so surreal. Just a year ago he’d risked his life to save this man. He’d jumped into a dangerous situation because he didn’t want Nick to get hurt. He’d gotten shot trying to save him, he’d almost died. And he’d done it willingly, because he didn’t want Nick to get hurt, because Nick is his cousin and he loves him. (Loved him.) And now here they are. Nick with a knife and him bleeding out on the cold, wet gress.
“Don’t die…I don’t want you to die…”
If that’s true, Nick, then get help. If this is an accident, or a horrible impulse you didn’t mean to follow, then get help. Snap out of it and find someone to help me!
If you truly don’t want me to die, Nick, then get help.
Call someone.
Tell anyone at all what happened.
Please Nick.
“No…no….no….I didn’t mean for this to happen…Will, please….I….”
You did this, Nick. You did. You stabbed me. If you don’t want to actually kill me then do something, anything at all.
Then Nick’s voice disappears. Oh, he’s still there, he can hear him sobbing, he can feel his hands pressing down on his wounds. But he’s stopped talking, like he can’t think of something else to say. Or perhaps he’s realized that nobody can respond to his words. Or perhaps he never noticed he was talking. It doesn’t matter, he’s now silent. And he’s truly starting to fade. He’s disappearing into the darkness, falling into it.
At least the pain is now completely gone.
But he’s still cold. And so, so tired. All he wants to do is sleep. He knows he can’t - because if he actually allows himself to fade away he’ll die - but he wants to. He doesn’t think he can last much longer.
Get help, Nick.
Get anyone.
Please.
The hands that had been pressing down on him to stop the bleeding are suddenly gone. The presence beside him disappears, leaving him only with silence.
Nick is gone.
Maybe he’s gone to get help. Maybe the other man has realized that he can’t help him on his own and he’s gone to get someone to help him. Oh God, he thinks, please let that be what is happening, because he can’t die here, he can’t. He can’t die alone on the cold, wet grass. There are so many things he still needs to do, so many things he still wants to do. Nick should not be allowed to take these moments from him.
He thinks of Sonny, of his smile and the feeling of his hand in his and all the promises they’d made to each other.
He thinks of Arianna, of her beautiful little laugh and the way she looks at him. He thinks of all the things that still have to come, all the milestones that are still coming.
He can’t give up.
He can’t give into the darkness.
But what is he supposed to do?
Perhaps someone else will now stumble on him. Or perhaps Nick did call an ambulance and he’s run off because he can hear them coming. He hasn’t heard one, but that doesn’t necessarily mean anything. Perhaps only a few seconds have passed. How is he supposed to be able to tell?
Oh please, let someone come, please, please God.
I don’t want to die.
There are still so many things he wants to do. He wants to spend more time with his friends. He wants to talk to Chad, who hasn’t returned yet from Chicago, about random things. He wants to fix the fact that he hasn’t been able to spend a lot of time with T over the last few weeks. He wants to actually be there when his mom and E.J. get married - not that it’s the first time he’ll be at one of her weddings, but who knows, maybe this time it will be happily ever after. He wants to be there for that moment. He wants to find a way to talk to Gabi and find a way to help her through all her trouble. He wants - no he needs, he definitely needs - to make sure that Nick doesn’t get anywhere near her or Arianna again. Ever.
He wants to hold Sonny and tell him he loves him.
He wants to hold his daughter.
He wants…
He wants…
At least the pain is now completely gone. At least the cold has faded away. Even the sounds of the world around him have faded away.
The darkness has gotten denser.
He can’t fight anymore.
This is the end.
What he wants doesn’t really matter. Surely every other murder victim out there has thought the same things. Nothing he has ever wanted has mattered before, so why should it start now? Nobody is coming. He knows that now. Or perhaps he’s always known that. Perhaps he had just been unable to deal with that possibility. Because even if Nick was truly sorry, even if he truly hadn’t meant for this to happen, it’s quite obvious that he didn’t get help. From his point of view it would be easier if he dies here.
This is the end.
This is it.
What was the last thing he said to Sonny? He knows he kissed Ari before leaving the club - because he always does - and that he told her that daddy would be back soon, but what did he say to Sonny? Was it, see you later? See you at home? I love you? Oh God, please let him have left Sonny with an ‘I love you’. Because it doesn’t really look like they’ll get a goodbye.
Please God, I don’t want to die.
I want to live.
I want to hold my daughter.
I want to kiss my husband.
Sonny, Ari, I love you guys so much and I want to stay here with you. Please know that, please believe that I fought so hard to stay.
I don’t want to leave.
I don’t want to…
I don’t…
I….
Summary: In a moment of insanity - during one of the many arguments Nick and Will have about Arianna's custody - Nick stabs Will.
This is what comes immediatly after.
He’s sleeping.
At least, he thinks he is, he must be. Because the world is dark and completely silent. And what else but sleep could possibly make the world this dark? So he must be sleeping. He must be. It’s the only thing that really makes sense. And now, now he’s floating through that dense darkness thinking, I must be asleep, I must be. Or maybe, maybe it’s not floating he’s doing, maybe he’s flying free as a bird. Or perhaps he’s falling, like a bird with broken wings. He hasn’t quite figured it out yet. But he is sleeping, he’s sure of it, because that’s the only thing that makes sense. And yet, at the same time, it doesn’t make sense, because nothing really does. Because the world is too dark for it to be a dream, isn’t it? So it’s not really a dream because there is no dream. Just that darkness he’s floating through (or flying, or falling). But then, he wonders, does everyone actually dream every time they are asleep?
Perhaps the darkness is the dream.
So he’s asleep.
He must be.
And yet, and yet, sleeping doesn’t make sense.
Something is wrong, he can actually feel it. There is something incredibly wrong with the situation he’s found himself in. He knows there is. He doesn’t know what it is, though, he can’t quite figure it out. He can’t point to one thing and say, with absolute certainty, that that is what is wrong. But it’s there, all he has to do is figure out what it is, and then he’ll know what is going on. (He’s not sure that makes sense but then not much does.) It must be something small, something so incredibly obvious he’s just ignoring it. He has to figure this out and once he does he’s pretty sure he’ll be able to wake up. (Because this is a dream, isn’t it?) But there is a small voice - a voice he’s been trying to ignore - that says that knowing will make everything so much worse. That knowing won’t wake him up because he’s not asleep and this is not a dream. It’s the part of him that just wants to keep floating through the darkness and forget everything else. It would be so much easier. Maybe that’s the part of him that actually knows what happened, that remembers how he got here. The part of him protecting the rest of him from the truth. Or maybe it’s all just part of the dream. He’s not sure.
It’s dark.
Too dark.
And the world is completely silent, there’s not a single sound.
He can’t feel anything.
Something is wrong.
Or maybe nothing is wrong, maybe him thinking that something is wrong is just a part of a completely random nightmare. He’s probably just asleep and in his sleep he’s thinking he is not. This dream could just be a consequence of everything that is happening in his life right now. It wouldn’t surprise him. Nick is trying to steal his little girl after all - again, what is with him? - and Gabi is agreeing with him at every turn. His feeling about all of it - anger and disappointment and absolute fear - have already seeped into his writing. A fact which many of his teachers have commented on. So the fact that they now seem to have taken over his dreams? He’s not that surprised by it.
That makes sense.
Except it doesn’t.
Because the thing is, this might all just be a dream - and therefore nothing to worry about - but he doesn’t actually remember going to sleep. He has no memories of ever going home, of putting Ari to bed and crawling into his own bed with Sonny. He doesn’t remember, but if he’s truly asleep, then all of those things must have happened. The not knowing could be a part of the dream - after all do you always remember going to sleep when you’re asleep? He doesn’t know. It’s not something he’s ever thought about. The last thing he remembers is leaving the club. He’d left, determined to talk to… He was going to… He can’t remember, but he does remember it was important. He went out to do something and now he’s here. All of that might just be a part of the dream, this not remembering, but he just doesn’t know. He does know that sometimes dreams have the capability of seeming so real that you don’t quite realize that you are asleep. But then how could he not realize he’s asleep considering he’s floating in dense darkness? But the situation is so wrong. He can’t quite point to something specific but he knows it is there. He knows it. All he has to do is figure it out.
He’s starting to fear this isn’t a dream.
And that really, really, really scares him. Because if he’s not sleeping, then something else is going on. And he’s pretty sure that something else is nothing good. It doesn’t feel like a good thing. It feels like something bad has happened to him and that all he needs to do is remember what it is. Perhaps if he were just to think a little bit more, just analyse the situation critically, he’ll be able to determine what it is that is bothering him.
He’s floating in darkness…
...he must be asleep…
…in his bed…
That’s it.
That’s what’s bothering him. It’s not that he can’t remembering going to bed - that could just be a part of his dream - it just doesn’t feel like he’s lying on a bed. And he knows you can probably never tell whether or not you’re lying on a bed when you’re asleep. But that’s the thing, he feels he’s lying on something, it’s just not a bed. Whatever it is, it’s hard and cold and wet. It’s absolutely not a bed - unless something really, really weird has happened in his apartment, of course. (It’s not outside the realm of possibilities.)
He can’t hear anything - not his own breathing, not Sonny’s, not a damn thing. Except, he realizes suddenly, he is hearing something. Maybe he’s been hearing it the whole time and his brain has only now registered it. It’s like everything is going in slow motion. But the sounds he now realizes he’s hearing don’t calm him down. Because everything he hears - birds and the sound of rustling leaves and insects - do not belong in his bedroom. Not even a little bit.
And it is much, much too cold.
Now that’s odd. Just a second ago he couldn’t hear or feel anything and now he can. It’s like his brain has suddenly kicked in.
He’s cold and wet and freezing and he’s seemingly outside and…
…there’s no way he’s asleep.
There is no way this is a dream.
This is something else entirely. Something has happened to him, he now knows, something bad. It must be because why else would he lie down on the ground outside? Why would he just do that? He wouldn’t, so something must have happened to him? But what? He just doesn’t know. He just can’t remember. All he really knows is that he’s cold and wet and…
...and in pain.
A lot of pain.
It’s really strange the way his brain is processing this situation. It’s like his brain doesn’t think he’ll be able to handle the whole thing at once. Or perhaps time is going much slower than he thinks it’s going, perhaps not that much time has passed. Perhaps everything is going normally, he just doesn’t think they are. At least the pain is real.
It’s a distant kind of pain at first. It spreads slowly until suddenly it’s everywhere. He can’t even tell you what is hurting, just that he’s in pain. He’s having trouble breathing - and how did he not realize that? It feels like he’s on fire, which is not a particularly pleasant feeling. Something has definitely happened to him, he has absolutely no idea what it is but it has happened. It feels somewhat familiar too. It reminds him of that moment a year ago - and oh God, he can’t believe a year has actually passed - when he’d been shot trying to save Nick. It feels somewhat the same. And then he remembers: he’d been floating through darkness too back then.
Is that perhaps what happened? Did he get shot again?
No, no, that’s not it, it can’t be. Because he remembers what it felt like to be shot, he remembers the pain, he remembers all of it. And while this does remind him of that moment, it doesn’t feel the same. It’s something else.
Perhaps he’s been hit by a car.
Except, if he had been hit by a car he wouldn’t be lying on the grass. (Because he is lying on the grass.) And wouldn’t there be people with him if he had been hit by a car?
That’s not it.
So then what? What happened to him? He needs to remember. Because if he remembers he might be able to figure out how to help himself. So he just needs to remember. Remember and wake up and get help. Because this pain is very, very real.
And then he hears a voice calling his name and suddenly there are hands pressing on his body - he suspects that someone is trying to stop the bleeding. (He can’t see it but he suspects he must be bleeding. It makes sense.) Had that voice always been there and had he only now noticed it? Or did someone just stumble on him lying here, wherever here is? Or perhaps not that much time has passed and the fact that he’s only now hearing the voice isn’t that strange. He knows that voice. He does. All he has to do is remember, but he can’t think anymore. He’s freezing and he’s bleeding and it hurts and he’s weak and he’s tired and he just wants to sleep.
“Will…I’m sorry….Will…I didn’t mean to.”
Whoever it is keeps apologizing - and he knows who it is, he does, if his brain would just kick in, then he could actually understand. The voice keeps talking, words upon words, but his brain just can’t seem to comprehend them. He’s not sure it even matters. Everything is going to be alright either way. Because surely this person has called an ambulance and help will arrive at any moment. And then he’ll be able to wake up and tell this other person that everything will be alright. Because his brain might not be able to comprehend every word this other person is saying but he can definitely hear the anguish in the voice. The pain is real. So that means that whatever happened, if this other person is responsible, it must have been an accident. Except, well, you can feel horrible about having done something while still having done it deliberately.
But an accident is far better than the alternative.
The male voice - it’s a guy, he’s not sure when he realized it, but he has - just keeps talking. Just repeating his name, over and over again, pressing down on whatever wounds he has.. They’re still there, even if it wasn’t an accident, and surely that means that everything will be alright now. Except he doesn’t hear the ambulance.
“I’m sorry, Will….”
He knows that voice, he does. It’s on the tip of his tongue - so to speak - but he just can’t remember. He still can’t hear an ambulance, though. Maybe it wasn’t an accident. Maybe whoever did this to him wants him to die here on the cold ground. Does he have any enemies? There are people that don’t like him, he knows that - after all, you can’t get along with everyone. Even if he doesn’t have any personal enemies his mother sure has many. But is there actually someone in his life that wants to kill him? Well, he thinks, there must be, because why else would he be lying here? If this other person wanted to kill him, then why is there still someone by his side trying to stop the bleeding? Maybe it was just something that got out of hand.
If only he could remember.
He’d left the club, he remembers that, determined to talk to someone. So who had he been looking for? What had been so important to him in that moment? If only he could remember, then he’d be able to figure out a solution. (It probably doesn’t work that way, but he has to believe in something.) Unless this has actually nothing to do with him of course. Unless he ran into someone else before he ran into whoever he was looking for. For all he knows the person by his side is not the one who did this to him. Why can’t he hear an ambulance? And what’s with the guilt he can quite clearly hear in his voice?
“I can’t believe this is happening again…”
He’s still floating through darkness - or maybe he’s falling. He knows he’s not flying because he doesn’t feel free, not anymore. He’s losing consciousness, well more so than he already has. But he can’t. He has to stay awake - well he’s not actually awake either but he’s still here, he can still hear, he can still feel. And as long as he does he can still try to find a way to open his eyes. Because he has to do something. But anything he can think of requires far more energy than he feels he has. At least the pain is fading away, at least he’s no longer seemingly on fire. He suspects that’s probably not a good thing, but right now, at least, he’s no longer hurting.
He’s going into shock. He’s dying.
Oh God, he’s dying.
But he can’t die, he can’t. He can’t leave Sonny just a few weeks into their marriage. And wouldn’t that just be horrible? Wouldn’t it just be so terrible that he was the one so afraid to marry Sonny because he was afraid he’d lose everything only to die just a few weeks into their marriage? Long, long ago Adrienne had once told him that someday he would break her son’s heart, perhaps not even intentionally, and he might not recover from that. It looks like that moment has finally arrived, though he doesn’t think this is what she had in mind when she said it. Surely it had never occurred to her that he’d break her son’s heart by dying. He can’t die. He can’t. He can’t go. He can’t leave his little girl, he can’t.
He can’t leave Ari.
He can’t leave Sonny.
He can’t leave Gabi to raise Arianna all on her own.
He can’t leave his friends, or his family.
He can’t die.
He has to open his eyes somehow. He has to find a way to communicate to whomever it is that is sitting beside him. He has to find help. He has to remind this other person that an ambulance needs to be called. Because surely if an ambulance had been called it would have gotten here by now. But then it might be that whole time thing again. It might be that not as much time as he thinks has passed. Perhaps it’s only been a second. Or it might be that whoever it is doesn’t want to help him, no matter how guilty they seemingly feel. Or he hasn’t figured out what he wants. Or he’s just forgotten what one needs to do when a crisis arrives.
It doesn’t matter, he has to wake up.
He has to.
But it’s beginning to look like he won’t be able to.
If there ever was a chance.
“I’m sorry this happened…..I wish things were different….”
It doesn’t make any sense, but nothing about this situation does. If he could recognize the voice he might be able to understand the situation better. At least understanding might bring him some solace.
Someone has to come.
Someone has to.
Help will arrive at some point.
It will.
The alternative is too frightening.
Please, please, I don’t want to die.
“Will….”
He knows that voice, he knows that voice, he knows it. If only his brain would cooperate. He was leaving the club to talk to someone. It had to do something with Ari. Everything is about her. He was looking for…
It’s Nick.
Nick is the one on his knees beside him, talking to him about God only knows what. He’s the one pressing down on his wounds, begging for forgiveness. It’s Nick. Did Nick do this to him? It makes sense, considering all that has happened over the last few weeks. Or did someone else do this and did Nick just stumble on him? That doesn’t make sense. Recognizing the voice has not helped him, it’s just made everything more confusing.
“I’m sorry….”
And then, suddenly, he remembers. It happens in flashes, bits and pieces that don’t tell him a lot, but it’s enough for him to understand. He’d found Nick and they’d gotten into another fight. Nick had lost his patience - which, in retrospect, sounds rather odd. Considering what was going on surely he should have been the one to lose his patience? Nick was the one seemingly in control, after all. And then, suddenly, Nick had been holding a knife. Or maybe he’d always been holding it, that part is fuzzy. But surely, surely if Nick had been armed he wouldn’t have actually gotten into a fight with him. Nick had stabbed him - that is quite obvious by now - but he can’t remember what got them to that point. Had that always been his intention? Or had it been some horrible impulse?
He’s not sure what would be worse.
This can’t be happening.
It’s so surreal. Just a year ago he’d risked his life to save this man. He’d jumped into a dangerous situation because he didn’t want Nick to get hurt. He’d gotten shot trying to save him, he’d almost died. And he’d done it willingly, because he didn’t want Nick to get hurt, because Nick is his cousin and he loves him. (Loved him.) And now here they are. Nick with a knife and him bleeding out on the cold, wet gress.
“Don’t die…I don’t want you to die…”
If that’s true, Nick, then get help. If this is an accident, or a horrible impulse you didn’t mean to follow, then get help. Snap out of it and find someone to help me!
If you truly don’t want me to die, Nick, then get help.
Call someone.
Tell anyone at all what happened.
Please Nick.
“No…no….no….I didn’t mean for this to happen…Will, please….I….”
You did this, Nick. You did. You stabbed me. If you don’t want to actually kill me then do something, anything at all.
Then Nick’s voice disappears. Oh, he’s still there, he can hear him sobbing, he can feel his hands pressing down on his wounds. But he’s stopped talking, like he can’t think of something else to say. Or perhaps he’s realized that nobody can respond to his words. Or perhaps he never noticed he was talking. It doesn’t matter, he’s now silent. And he’s truly starting to fade. He’s disappearing into the darkness, falling into it.
At least the pain is now completely gone.
But he’s still cold. And so, so tired. All he wants to do is sleep. He knows he can’t - because if he actually allows himself to fade away he’ll die - but he wants to. He doesn’t think he can last much longer.
Get help, Nick.
Get anyone.
Please.
The hands that had been pressing down on him to stop the bleeding are suddenly gone. The presence beside him disappears, leaving him only with silence.
Nick is gone.
Maybe he’s gone to get help. Maybe the other man has realized that he can’t help him on his own and he’s gone to get someone to help him. Oh God, he thinks, please let that be what is happening, because he can’t die here, he can’t. He can’t die alone on the cold, wet grass. There are so many things he still needs to do, so many things he still wants to do. Nick should not be allowed to take these moments from him.
He thinks of Sonny, of his smile and the feeling of his hand in his and all the promises they’d made to each other.
He thinks of Arianna, of her beautiful little laugh and the way she looks at him. He thinks of all the things that still have to come, all the milestones that are still coming.
He can’t give up.
He can’t give into the darkness.
But what is he supposed to do?
Perhaps someone else will now stumble on him. Or perhaps Nick did call an ambulance and he’s run off because he can hear them coming. He hasn’t heard one, but that doesn’t necessarily mean anything. Perhaps only a few seconds have passed. How is he supposed to be able to tell?
Oh please, let someone come, please, please God.
I don’t want to die.
There are still so many things he wants to do. He wants to spend more time with his friends. He wants to talk to Chad, who hasn’t returned yet from Chicago, about random things. He wants to fix the fact that he hasn’t been able to spend a lot of time with T over the last few weeks. He wants to actually be there when his mom and E.J. get married - not that it’s the first time he’ll be at one of her weddings, but who knows, maybe this time it will be happily ever after. He wants to be there for that moment. He wants to find a way to talk to Gabi and find a way to help her through all her trouble. He wants - no he needs, he definitely needs - to make sure that Nick doesn’t get anywhere near her or Arianna again. Ever.
He wants to hold Sonny and tell him he loves him.
He wants to hold his daughter.
He wants…
He wants…
At least the pain is now completely gone. At least the cold has faded away. Even the sounds of the world around him have faded away.
The darkness has gotten denser.
He can’t fight anymore.
This is the end.
What he wants doesn’t really matter. Surely every other murder victim out there has thought the same things. Nothing he has ever wanted has mattered before, so why should it start now? Nobody is coming. He knows that now. Or perhaps he’s always known that. Perhaps he had just been unable to deal with that possibility. Because even if Nick was truly sorry, even if he truly hadn’t meant for this to happen, it’s quite obvious that he didn’t get help. From his point of view it would be easier if he dies here.
This is the end.
This is it.
What was the last thing he said to Sonny? He knows he kissed Ari before leaving the club - because he always does - and that he told her that daddy would be back soon, but what did he say to Sonny? Was it, see you later? See you at home? I love you? Oh God, please let him have left Sonny with an ‘I love you’. Because it doesn’t really look like they’ll get a goodbye.
Please God, I don’t want to die.
I want to live.
I want to hold my daughter.
I want to kiss my husband.
Sonny, Ari, I love you guys so much and I want to stay here with you. Please know that, please believe that I fought so hard to stay.
I don’t want to leave.
I don’t want to…
I don’t…
I….